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Lone parents

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Original poster

He has my children

43 replies

Thirtyeight · 23/07/2012 13:29

I left my husband after years of abuse. He has always lived with his mum and it had got to the stage where his mother was raising my sons whilst I worked full time to support his debt and his mother.
I moved out and was expecting to take my very young sons with me. Husband told me I couldn't take my sons as it would be abduction. So now I am alone without my sons. Ex won't let me back in the house cos it'll upset his mum. I have been trying to get my boys living with me during the week but my solicitor has done next to nothing in three months.
I'm scared now that it's been too long to get my sons. My ex says that the children had three parents and I'm the one that left.

Any advice or insight would be helpful

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 13:32

How long has it been? Where was your DH whilst you were working?

FireOverBabylon · 23/07/2012 13:38

OP your son doesn't have 3 parents, he has two parents and in-house childcare for when their mother is working. You can take your sons when you move out, that is not abduction, he is the abusive party; a court wouldn't make him the resident parent.

I would go back to your solicitor and see what the reason is for so little action in 3 months - it could be your husband's solicitor stalling, for example. If you can't see a valid reason, change your solicitor. Do you still have contact with your children, outside of the home?

Original poster
Thirtyeight · 23/07/2012 14:09

He works Monday to Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thirtyeight · 23/07/2012 14:13

The thing is, the boys have always lived in that house and he has them. I see both boys on a Saturday evening. One is at school and the other at playschool part time. But ex's mother increased my pre schoolers hours when I left. I' work weds to Sunday. So I literally get 3 hours a week. His mother is raising my sons

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 14:26

This could be tricky then, as a court would want to keep the 'norm' for the boys. Who would look after them whilst you work if they lived with you full time?

Sassybeast · 23/07/2012 14:53

You could have your children overnight Monday and Tuesday ?
What does your solicitor say ?
Your ex has no right to try and replace you with his mother.

Original poster
Thirtyeight · 23/07/2012 18:08

My five year old is at school and I would be around to collect him after. My youngest can change his play school days to wed thurs fri and again I'd be back in time to collect him.
I'm so scared I won't see them grow up.
This hurts like hell

OP posts:
MummySparx · 23/07/2012 19:44

Get a new lawyer. My original lawyer told me that I'd have to pay my ex half for the car I bought using money I inherited... but he was wrong. I switched lawyers, and yes it cost me more, but it also saved me a fortune.

Good luck.

S.

Olympia2012 · 24/07/2012 00:32

Do you still get a free half hour with solicitors? I would look at changing your sol!

cestlavielife · 24/07/2012 12:54

get a new lawyer ,.
pesent a contact schdule which would fit aound your work commitments so you have the boys more.

is the abuse documetned eg police repotrs etc?

are teh boys thriving and ahppy in the current situation? are there any welfare concerns?

assuming here are none then
your ex may present a good case for the status quo but you also have a good case for increasing contact so you have them monday and tuesday to fit your work pattern. that at least would be a start towards a more shared arrangement

Original poster
Thirtyeight · 24/07/2012 21:17

Thank you all for your advice. The abuse is not documented as I didn't realise what was happening at the time. I was very depressed and couldn't see that him shouting at me till I cried wasn't normal. I did know that the sexual abuse wasn't right but felt powerless to do anything.
My sister has sorted out a new solicitor for me as she was obviously thinking the same as you lovely ladies.

OP posts:
jumpy2012 · 25/07/2012 07:29

It isn't normal for someone to treat you like that, but it becomes your version of normal...it was mine, too.

You cannot abduct your own children, but since the time has passed you do need to get things moving legally asap. My DP had to go to court to formalise contact with his DD and although it's an unpleasant process, it is centred around what it best for the children. You CAN get this resolved and see your boys a lot more. Good luck..

Mobly · 25/07/2012 08:35

They are still abusing you emotionally. Sad

Do you want full custody of your children? If you do, you need to seriously get assertive here. Insist it was childcare mil was providing. Does their dad look after them much?

Original poster
Thirtyeight · 25/07/2012 13:47

Hi Mobly

What do you mean by insisting MIL was child care? Am I trying to stop the courts seeing her as a third parent? My ex watches football whilst snoring on the sofa. So no he doesn't do much.
I want residency of my children. I have no issue with ex having them at the weekends when they are not at school and he is not at work.
As I work all weekend and one child at school I cannot see my sons!!

OP posts:
Akermanis · 25/07/2012 13:52

OP Just for your info, It took me 2 1/2 years to get any meaningful contact with my children and 12 months to get any contact at all.

Mobly · 25/07/2012 14:08

No, the courts wont see her as third parent. But you need to change your mindset too, it sounds like they have browbeaten you into the status quo.

You don't have to negotiate with her or him for your own children. I would go when he is not there and take them. Politely & firmly, take a friend if need be, assert your rights, you are their mother.

Obviously, you have practical arrangements to sort out in terms of childcare. If the situation could remain amicable (which I doubt) then mil could help out but if not I'd go for nursery or childminder. As a single parent you should get help with childcare costs.

You need a good solicitor.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 25/07/2012 14:13

If it would be 'abduction' if you had taken them, then what is it when he keeps them and refuses to let you into the house? The abuse has made it difficult to see this but they have totally set you up to take whatever they dish out. Your son does not have three parents. You are his mother and that cannot be disputed. Get another solicitor right away.

I'm not knowledgeable on this front but does the husband have the right to deny the OP access to her children in a formerly shared residence like this? Can she ring the police and get support for going round to get them?

Akermanis · 25/07/2012 15:27

The Police wont get involved, this situation happens all the time with the residential parent denying contact with the non-residential parent the only solution is via mediation and/ or the family court.

Original poster
Thirtyeight · 25/07/2012 16:02

Akamanis

2 and a half years is way too long. My children are so young if I'm not there for them for two years the damage could be irreparable.

Are you a man or woman. It's more usual for the woman to have the children.

I'm so scared.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 25/07/2012 16:05

Can you go and get your children? Just don't bring them back after you have them on Saturday.

Original poster
Thirtyeight · 25/07/2012 18:30

His mum made me write a letter to child benefit asking for it to be paid to him. I could take my boys but I'd be unable to feed and clothe them.

OP posts:
EightiesOlympicGolds · 25/07/2012 23:15

OP, I really think you need to seek 'official' support then. You need to tell someone in an organisation that can stand up for you that you have been bullied into giving up child benefit and all sorts of other things. Can you ring Women's Aid? You need some professional advice on how to fight back.

Mobly · 26/07/2012 07:40

Why can't you feed & clothe them? I take it you have suitable living space & you have already said you work. There are benefits for single parents- would take a few weeks (maybe longer) to organise but it's doable surely?

Do you have any family support?

Mobly · 26/07/2012 07:43

Isn't child benefit for main carer? If your ex works mon-fri what did you say in letter to get them to pay it to him? While you lived with mil, did you care for your sons on the days you were off work?

NotaDisneyMum · 26/07/2012 08:01

CB can easily be changed back - another letter to the CB agency, explaining that the DCs now live with you will begin the process - and once that is in place, you can claim tax credits and other benefits.