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Original poster

Can I stop DS from having any contact with OW?

35 replies

BornToFolk · 19/07/2012 10:09

I split up with exP about 2 months ago after discovering he was having an affair with a family friend. Apparently affair had been going on for about 1 month. Our DS is 4.

So far, arrangements about DS have been fairly amicable. We agreed a pattern of contact, and have been having weekly phone calls to discuss DS.

I did tell exP that I didn't want DS having any contact with the OW. I can't see why it would be necessary, and it's not in DS's best interests. He knows this woman as a family friend and introducing her now as exPs new girlfriend can only cause him confusion. I feel that the contact time that exP has with DS should about them spending time together. I thought that exP agreed with this.

However, I had a letter from his solicitor yesterday saying that I had been "dictating" when and where exP could see DS and who he could see when he has him, specifically that DS cannot see exP's new "partner". This apparently is not acceptable to exP...

I have replied to my solicitor stating that I have never dictated terms of contact - we have discussed and agreed contact arrangements and that I have never dictated when and where exP can see DS, I have only said that he is not to meet OW.

Do I have a legal leg to stand on? Can I prevent DS from seeing the OW? I don't want to stop, or even reduce, contact with exP as I firmly believe that it's in DS's best interests to have a good relationship with his dad. I don't believe that he needs to have any kind of relationship with OW though. DS has had a lot to deal with, with exP leaving and he's starting school soon. He's got enough upheaval in his life without introducing OW into it.

OP posts:

hihohiho · 19/07/2012 10:13

No you don't, harsh as that is - neither would he in the reverse situation - you could spend a fortune on sols but the outcome would be the same.

avenueone · 19/07/2012 10:14

Sorry to hear what you are gonig through - it seems a lot to handle in a short space of time. Legally I don't think you can stop him being in certain people's company when he has care of your DS, even though it may be morally wrong at the moment.
If you are pretty amicable, I would try and sit down and ask for his understanding on the matter as it would not be forever just for an intrim period, although if he has already got a solicitor involved it doesn't seem very amicable.

Lovemy3kids · 19/07/2012 10:18

Whilst I understand completely where you are coming from as i am in the same situation, unfortunately there is no way that you can dictate to your ex what and who your DS sees whilst he is in his care.....as irritating as it is.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/07/2012 10:23

No, you don't have a legal leg to stand on. However, the same is true the other way: your ex-P can't dictate who you introduce to your DS's life either.

Understand where you are coming from but you have to let this particular one go.

MissPricklePants · 19/07/2012 10:28

I understand where you are coming from but you cannot say who your exp can have in your ds's life when he spends time with his dad. Same goes for him though, ex cannot state who you can have around your ds either.

cestlavielife · 19/07/2012 10:55

you do have to look at it the otehr way round -eg if xp started telling you who you could take ds to see on your days with him. would you like that? no.

see if you can get on a course for seprated and divorced to let out your feelings eg www.drw.org.uk some local areas have counselling for separated refered by GP too . ask. or ask about a separated parents course if exp is willing to go too . parenting apart courses .

Original poster

BornToFolk · 19/07/2012 11:13

"you do have to look at it the otehr way round -eg if xp started telling you who you could take ds to see on your days with him. would you like that? no. "

Of course not, but I haven't actually done that. I've just said that I don't want DS to see a woman who he last saw sneaking out of our house after we discovered her in bed with his father. I don't think that's unreasonable...

OP posts:

kittyfishersknickers · 19/07/2012 11:15

No, you don't have any legal right to do that. There's no point even trying, all it will do is cost you pounds in solicitors' fees for sending letters back and forth.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/07/2012 11:17

BornToFolk, many of us have stood in your very shoes or been in similar situations and I completely understand that what you are suggesting doesn't seem unreasonable - but it does not have legal status!

You really do have to let it go.

Olympia2012 · 19/07/2012 11:18

You need to pick your battles. Maybe they will end up being together for a while... Moving in together, marriage maybe? Then she will be stepmum.

Or they could split. Nobody knows the future

Mama1980 · 19/07/2012 11:25

No I'm afraid you don't have a leg to stand on. You cant dictate who your ds has contact with while with his dad, same as he cant when hes with u. I do understand your feelings but you're gonna have to let this one go.

hihohiho · 19/07/2012 11:38

It's not unreasonable. It's just not legally possible.

Runoutofideas · 19/07/2012 11:40

I think your best course of action is to appeal to ExH's better nature....He should (hopefully) be feeling pretty guilty about his behaviour and if you go in with "I'm not telling you what to do regarding OW - just please bear in mind that DS has had a lot of changes in the past few months and is also about to start school, so please think it through carefully before introducing him to people in a situation which he may find unsettling. You are responsible for parenting decisions while ds is with you, so please make those decisions in his best interests....." Not sure if it would help, but as you haven't got an argument legally, it may be your best hope. Actually, hard as it is for you, if ds already knows OW then it probably won't seem strange at all, through his innocent 4 yr old eyes and will probably affect you more than him. Feel for you though, it is a horrible situation to be in.

Original poster

BornToFolk · 19/07/2012 11:48

"I think your best course of action is to appeal to ExH's better nature"

I'm starting to think he hasn't actually got one. He does, however, see himself as a good dad (which he is, in some ways) and my being confrontational does not work with him. So, I think you are right, I need to word it in terms of "I'm sure you can appreciate that DS has had a lot to deal with recently, and has a lot more coming up, so can you please consider delaying an introduction to OW for a while?" And hope like hell they break up in the meantime...

Part of the issue is that I did a stupid thing a few weeks ago - I sent a message to OW on Facebook called her a homewrecking whore. Not my finest moment and I regretted it the instant I did it. However, I believe that exP has now cast me as evil witch and poor OW as defenceless victim of my horridness . So I'm not sure how much guilt he has left...

OP posts:

hihohiho · 19/07/2012 11:50

Tbh - I don't think he is going to listen to you - if he is already involving his solicitor - I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them know it gets to you.

Sassybeast · 19/07/2012 11:53

Unfortunately no. Parents can drag any number of girlfriends, boyfriends etc into their kids lives and the other parent has no say whatsoever. It stinks, but that's the way that it is. I would say though that if they've only been together for 3 months, it's far to soon anyway, and you could appeal to him as a father to put the brakes on and wait until they are in a commited relationship of a number of months. Having said that, people who have affairs tend not to give a shit about the feelings of other people anyway

Olympia2012 · 19/07/2012 11:56

Er, how do you know they haven't met yet anyway?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2012 11:58

You'd hope parents would be less idiotic than to introduce their children to someone they've been shagging for a matter of weeks.

Sorry not terribly helpful of me, but I'm angry on your behalf that your ex seems to think it unreasonable of you to ask that he exercises some judgment before introducing your child to people.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/07/2012 11:58

It is hard BornTo - none of this will be easy & believe me I know how much it grates to hand your DS over to ex-P knowing that he'll be seeing the OW.
You definitely have to let this one go.

You can try appealling to ex-P, but I'd leave it. I doubt it will make alot of difference to your DS & it will just continue to exacerbate bad relations between you & your ex.

Original poster

BornToFolk · 19/07/2012 12:11

"Er, how do you know they haven't met yet anyway?"

Cos the other day DS said to me "oh, we haven't seen OW and OW'shusband for ages, have we?" As I said, she was a family friend and I'm sure that DS would tell me if he'd seen her.

You are all right, and it's good advice not to pursue it through solicitors. I can't afford to waste a load of money chasing after something that's not going to happen. Looks like I just have to appeal to exP's better nature and then just suck it up. I don't actually know if he is planning on introducing DS to OW or whether he's just pissed off that I've said I don't want it to happen.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 19/07/2012 13:39

anyway if she is a family friend ds will think nohing of it if your ex is with her.

your ds is not going to click straightaway what the new situation is unless it spelled out to him - which at some point will become obvious anyway .

STIDW · 19/07/2012 13:48

From the legal point of view if your ex-partner has Parental Responsibility both parents have equal responsibilities and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means either parent can unilaterally decide day-to-day issues such as who the children spend time with.

On a more practical level children may grieve for the loss of their parents relationship and often blame or reject a parent and/or their new partner because in their eyes they caused the breakdown of the family. You may be able to persuade your ex that it would in his interest to be sensitive to their needs and introduce his new partner with care and gradually.

Lovemy3kids · 19/07/2012 13:54

Me exH introduced our kids to his new GF after only being with her for 3 weeks.....I was absolutely furious with him, but realised at the end of the day that there was absolutely nothing i could do about the situation apart from hope and pray that it all fell apart and the bastard gets hit with the karma bus soon

WildWorld2004 · 19/07/2012 23:57

Im gna disagree with the lot of you. I did just this. My solicitor & my exes solicitor both agreed that the new partner shouldnt be anywhere near my dd.

Sassybeast · 20/07/2012 11:50

Wildworld - my ex was 'instructed' not to introduce OW by both his solicitor and social services. He ignored them.

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