Can I stop DS from having any contact with OW?

[BornToFolk]

I split up with exP about 2 months ago after discovering he was having an affair with a family friend. Apparently affair had been going on for about 1 month. Our DS is 4.

So far, arrangements about DS have been fairly amicable. We agreed a pattern of contact, and have been having weekly phone calls to discuss DS.

I did tell exP that I didn't want DS having any contact with the OW. I can't see why it would be necessary, and it's not in DS's best interests. He knows this woman as a family friend and introducing her now as exPs new girlfriend can only cause him confusion. I feel that the contact time that exP has with DS should about them spending time together. I thought that exP agreed with this.

However, I had a letter from his solicitor yesterday saying that I had been "dictating" when and where exP could see DS and who he could see when he has him, specifically that DS cannot see exP's new "partner". This apparently is not acceptable to exP...

I have replied to my solicitor stating that I have never dictated terms of contact - we have discussed and agreed contact arrangements and that I have never dictated when and where exP can see DS, I have only said that he is not to meet OW.

Do I have a legal leg to stand on? Can I prevent DS from seeing the OW? I don't want to stop, or even reduce, contact with exP as I firmly believe that it's in DS's best interests to have a good relationship with his dad. I don't believe that he needs to have any kind of relationship with OW though. DS has had a lot to deal with, with exP leaving and he's starting school soon. He's got enough upheaval in his life without introducing OW into it.

If they stick together she may one day be your child's stepmother so at some point she will have a relationship with him and your acceptance of this will be really important to helping your son cope with the two homes scenario.

That said I think that two months is far too early. Is it possible that you could have a conversation with him to explain why he should wait for their meeting i.e. recent break-up, Dad not being at home, starting school, confusion over the fact he knows her as friend of family - all these are really good reasons not to rush the meeting, and he could severely mess up any potential relationship between his OW and his son by not thinking about this carefully and rushing things.

Put the emphasis on your son's feelings and keep the emotion out of it as far as the husband stealing OW goes.

What an utterly ridiculous situation. You do not have any right to expect or demand this. You cant say that it is in your child's best interests - that is just your opinion. Did your 4 year old really noticed that he hasnt seen OW or OW's husband for ages? Most kids I know of that age have absolutely no undertanding of the passing of time or think of people (outside of immediate own family) in that way.

You're right, ladydeedy, it is a ridiculous situation that I have no say over who my 4 year old has contact with.

Of course he mentionned that he hadn't seen OW and her husband for ages, why on earth would I lie about that? Before the affair was discovered, they and their children were family friends of ours and we'd socialise with them on a regular basis. Of course he's noticed that they disappeared abruptly from our lives. I'm surprised it's taken him this long to mention it actually.

Why would it be in his best interests to see her? I can't see any benefits to him at all.

I've come to the conclusion that I probably can't prevent it and all I can do is try to persuade exP to delay as long as possible. So, I'm trying to be as nice as I can to him to keep him on side. Yep, it's a fucking ridiculous situation alright.

I do know of couples who have mutually agreed not to introduce new partners until a specified time has passed, and that has worked for them. Persoanlly I wouldn't want my ex to have that much control over my life. But putting a 'ban' on someone is bound to get his back up (how would you feel if he did it to you?) so I'm glad you are taking the advice on board and going for a calmer approach. Apart from anything else, how on earth would you enforce such a ban? And what could you do if your ex told you not to be ridiculous and simply went out for the day with them both - that wouldn't punish the child?

However, as others have said, if the OW stays in your ex's life, then clearly it is going to be in your DS's interests to meet her at some point. How long were you thinking of asking your ex to leave it?

Dear OP
I feel for you and know exactly where you are coming from.

The OW in my split, has in the past texted me to ask if I know EXH was, when I said with his DCS. The screwed up little bitch proceeded to tell me she was stressed as she had had a phone call from him and he was about to end it all.

I knew he had taken DCS on the bus to pick up his car from a multi storey car park. She then refused to tell me where he was and told me she was going to drive the 90 mins to save him. Knowing I was 5 mins away from gettingthe DCs.

Allegedly, I misinterpreted this and she never meant to make me think he was going to commit suicide with the kids, she was just scared for him. Effing whoring little bitch, I know struggle to let EXH have the kids and everytime we see in the papers about father gone and done..... I stress beyond belief.

She knew what she was doing and the effect it would have.

I would rather my poor DCS were not exposed to the two faced lying whore that she is, but I have no choice.

It sucks and never gets better. DC1 has just returned from ON visit, ~(4th in 5 months) with bruises on their arm from her DCs pinching him and bloody nits..

I hate it, hate it hate it and now apparently she wants to have a chat with me, to make things easier for me. You destroyed it the day you would not tell me where he was and my DCS were in danger, if you really cared you would not have minded who got to EXH first but you played a game with my head.....

So sorry you are suffering from effing OWs!!

My STBXH is living with his best mate and his wife (who is also the OW).... So I cant stop my DD from seeing her. Now OW is coming back in the van with them each Sunday evening to bring DD back (to see a "sister" that lives nearby (who doesnt exist...)). STBXH has taken DD to watch OW play netball, they go to the park together and for meals etc.

I cannot stop this from happening. It makes me mad... but if OW's H ever wises up to whats going on with some help from me after the divorce then I also have to face the reality that OW and my STBXH could end up living together..... DD loves OW and likes spending time with her....

I tried to make the point to my STBXH that when he has DD its about spending time together 1-on-1, not about watching OW play netball, but of course, I was told that Im just bitter, there is nothing going on with OW, and that I spend time with my friends with DD, so why shouldnt he.......

AARRGGH!! I do feel for you and think you are right, but i dont think you can stop them without good reason.

We did always state that if we ever split up (hypothetical conversation that ended up coming true), that we would not introduce new partners to DD until we had been seeing them for a few months, so that we were sure it would last.........

You have my sympathy. It's a crap situation but nothing that you can do to legally prevent it unless the OW is seen as a danger to your child.

I personally have zero respect for ANY parent (male or female) who quickly introduces a child to the girl/boyfriend (at at a few months into the relationship it can only be boy/girlfriend not partner).

It is selfish behaviour designed to make their lives easier and it has no real benefit to the child. We seem to have an epidemic of this behaviour and a significant percentage of parents rush headlong into new relationships (dragging the children with them) without a thought.

I had an friend who left her husband and within weeks the OM was living with her. She is no longer a friend as I can't respect her at all. Her dc's are shell shocked. Another close friend was left by her husband and he moved in with OW and her dc's. They immediately introduced all the dc's and it is not going well as the dc's are all competing for parental attention - whilst the adults are blissfully ignoring the issues as they are "madly in love".

I recall your initial thread where you uncovered the affair, which was shocking. When someone fails to take responsibility for their part in a problem (i.e your ex) they tend to act out the roles in the drama triangle. Your ex is likely to be the rescuer, the OW the victim and you are given the role as persecutor. If this is happening their relationship is fundamentally unhealthy and likely to implode at some stage. If it wasn't the email you sent it would have been something else (as evidence that you are the persecutor) so don't beat yourself up. I think you showed amazing restraint given the circumstances.

Has the OW left her husband?

"Has the OW left her husband?"

I don't know. Last I heard she was still living with him but divorce proceedings had started. He did text me the other day to ask how I was and I responded briefly to say I was OK. I suppose I could ask him what's going on but I don't want to give exP and OW any more ammunition to paint me as persecutor or otherwise unhinged so my instinct says to leave it alone. ExP is still living at his parents and he's not mentionned any plan to move. He inititially said he'd be there for a few months but then he initially said a lot of things that he's since gone back on so we'll see.

I've been super-nice to exP over the past few days, texting him pictures of DS etc. Basically trying to appear as un-unhinged as possible so he's more likely to comply with my requests...I hope.

I know exactly how you feel it is bloody awful to know that some woman with very few morals and family values is there looking after your son with your ex who has equally shit morals. It makes your skin crawl doesn't it. Unfortunately nothing you can do about it apart from ask him to wait. I asked my ex to wait 6 months to allow time for our DS to get used to the idea of him not being there and in this family unit before he introduced the OW to him as this will confuse and upset DS and then asked him to do it gradually. He did comply with this but mainly because he never stuck to his every other weekend as he was too busy with his social life with her so it wasn't much of an issue.

The only trouble with doing this is that he may get your DS to lie and keep secrets about who is there on his contact weekends/days. This happened to my friend and her daughter was getting more and more upset and she could not figure out why until she gently coaxed it out of her that her ex had told her to keep it a secret that OW was there. Poor little girl was getting so upset over it all as she did not want to lie and keep secrets from her mum.

Support your DS and realise that he is probably going to see a few women in your ex's life. Plus be thankful he is not in your life any more. Oh and I think the whole 'dictating' wording is rolled out all the time by solicitors. Ignore it.

As others have said, you can't stop him legally, you can just ask him to wait a bit.

But the other thing worth bearing in mind is that at the age of 4 your DS probably won't have much of an idea that OW is anything significant in his dad's life (unless he tells him differently). So if your ex insists that he is going to let DS spend time with OW, you could ask if he can avoid making her out to be anything other than a friend - which should be quite easy to do if DS already knows her as a family friend. Kids can be quite flexible about how they think everyone relates to each other, he won't necessarily start thinking of her any differently than he does already. My DS was at least 6 before he had any notion at all that a boyfriend was something different from a male friend.