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Original poster

My ex's GF has cut my sons hair!!

42 replies

SOULofLOVE · 15/07/2012 22:58

I need some opinions on this please!
My ex brought back my sons this morning and my oldest had had all his lovely locks shaved off!! I was close to tears. And then to add insult to injury, the cut was done by his girlfriend.
I feel violated. I know that sounds a strong word but i do. We dont have the best of relationships as it is (he left with no warning when I was pregnant with 2nd son which we had planned, moved in round the corner with the woman he was having affair with, denied pregnancy, didnt see new baby for the first 6 months of his life, and now that the my son is 17 months he is taking me to court for 50 50 custody. He already gets 40% over 2 weeks). So its a very very caustic situation right now. Right in the middle of heated horrible expensive court battles.
This feels like a final straw to me. She knew exactly what she was doing.
What do I do? If i roll over and do nothing it just perpetuates this feeling of my impotance and low self esteem. If I get angry and (do what? i dont know) then all that that achieves is further animosity and negative feelings all round. I feel trapped. and my thoughts escalate out of control and I start thinking I will always live in this ground hog day of spending all my energies fending off these awful situations.
I hope someone has some answers. Sad

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 15/07/2012 23:01

Why does it add insult to injury just because of who it was who cut his hair?

I agree I would maybe be upset if he did it if you didn't want it cut, but really the relevance should be that it was cut, not who cut it?

Northernlurker · 15/07/2012 23:01

No point getting angry but certainly say calmly that you were unimpressed they cut his hair. That was not what you expected to happen and you ask them not to do it again without discussing it with you. Your ex will then spout a load of bollocks about how it's his son too blah blah and you'd best ignore that. They're doing it to exert control so don't play the victim. Just say it's pissed you off and then leave the subject.

Original poster
SOULofLOVE · 15/07/2012 23:09

thanks northernlurker, anger is not the best policy. I asked a few of my mates with husbands and even they said that hubby wouldnt even think of doing it. Its a special mum thing i think. althought the more I write the more I realise i might be losing context here. Havent been on mumsnet in ages and the post underneath mine is about being pregnant alone. been there and got the t shirt so i know how monumentlly huge a journey that is. I should be able to cope with my sons bad hair cut.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/07/2012 23:12

Haircuts aren't special. It's the cutting of hair, that's all. The point is something happened to your child whilst he was with his dad that you don't like and didn't expect. You should let them know that but don't rend your clothing - because getting you upset will make them feel like they're winning. In fact they just need to grow up!

saladsandwich · 16/07/2012 08:57

children look so different after a hair cut so it must have been a shock... try stay calm and dont give them the satisfaction of getting you wound up.

if i was going to say anything i'd probably say if you think hes ready for a hair cut in future let me know and i will take him to the barbers for a proper cut

Bonsoir · 16/07/2012 09:00

Yes, your ex's GF has overstepped the boundaries. It sounds to me as if she is competing hard for territory over your DS. What other decisions does she enact that are a mother's rightful territory?

LtEveDallas · 16/07/2012 09:16

Makes no odds who cut the hair - presumably DS's father was a party to it and agreed for it to be done.

Did you and your ex discuss the cutting of your sons hair?
Do you think he needed a haircut? Did your ex?
Did you disagree over how long your sons hair should be?

2 sides and all that - you may want your DS to have longer hair, but his dad may want him to have shorter hair.

If you feel you need to say something (esp if it is a bad cut by an unqualified hairdresser) then I would go with saladsandwich's "In future if you feel DS needs his hair cut then let me know and I will take him to a qualified barber"

Hair grows, and I don't think you need to add to your stress levels by overthinking this.

ChasingSquirrels · 16/07/2012 09:24

Did your DS want his hair cut?
Been there, felt like you do, moved on - because in the end it is only hair and it grows back.
Now I am happy when ex gets their hair cut - saves me the bother.
(hair also done at home whether by me or ex, no. 6 all over).

Happylander · 16/07/2012 17:27

My DS had his hair cut when he was with his dad and I all thought was thank god one less thing for me to try and fit and means he actually does some of the boring parenting stuff. However, I can see at this stressful time that anything is going to make your blood boil but I personally wouldn't say anything you will just add fuel to an already horrible situation.

Shit I know and very hard not to bite back and something I have only just learnt to do.

Mobly · 16/07/2012 18:35

Well my ex badly cut my ds2's hair some months ago. I was gutted to be honest. I like his hair long, he's only 2 & he knew it would piss me off.

It's obvious they're doing it to annoy you & I don't understand the blasé responses you've had on your thread. I had very different responses. Apparently it's a well know tactic in abusive type relationships- designed to hurt the mother.

I'm not saying that's the case here but that I can completely empathise with you feeling upset.

It's probably best to feign indifference in your situation and not let them see you hurt.

Does your son like it?

LtEveDallas · 16/07/2012 18:37

"It's obvious they're doing it to annoy you"

How so?

HecateHarshPants · 16/07/2012 18:39

IF she has done it to wind you up, IF she has done it in the hopes that it will upset you then the best reaction is to thank her. Thanks so much for cutting his hair, it looks fabulous, you've really saved me a job.

And yes, I know it's childish. But IF she wanted to upset you, then you being really happy and going on about what a favour she's done you will really piss her off.

And I know that is spectacularly bad advice, but I have a petty streak when it comes to people trying to wind me up, so it's what I'd do Blush

Mobly · 16/07/2012 18:49

Ltevedallas- really? What woman would take it upon herself to cut another woman's young child's hair without permission? Especially in the middle of all the animosity. I doubt she did it innocently. I wouldn't dream of doing it. Would you?

LtEveDallas · 16/07/2012 18:57

Permission? What, from one of the parents? Oh...

Mobly · 16/07/2012 19:09

So would you do what she did?

LtEveDallas · 16/07/2012 19:18

Why?

If my DD needs a haircut I get it cut, yes. I wouldn't ask my husbands permission to do so.

If the OP thought her DS needed a haircut would she ask his fathers permission to get it done? I doubt it.

So to that end if the father thinks his son needs a haircut why shouldn't he get him one? Fathers partner might be a hairdresser for all we know, so it would make sense for her to do it. I know lots of wives that cut their DHs hair with clippers etc, so it would make sense for her to do the child's as well.

If the haircut has been done badly by an amateur that's different, and I would suggest the response by saladsandwich. But the OP doesn't say it has.

Mobly · 16/07/2012 19:26

I'm asking you if you would (in the stepmum's position) cut the child's hair? But you won't answer the question so I'll leave it there. I wouldn't and would think it obvious why not but let's just agree to disagree.

My main point was to express empathy for the op and I've done that.

susiedaisy · 16/07/2012 19:36

YANBU to be upset op, you said your son had 'lovely locks' and that they shaved his head, that is unreasonable in my book, unless your Ds was desperate to have his hair cut, then that throws a different slant on it!

LtEveDallas · 16/07/2012 19:50

I just don't think that it is the mothers right to dictate the child's hair.

I know of a man who detests his young sons long hair, absolutely hates it. But has been told in no uncertain terms that he CANNOT get it cut. He daren't go against his ex in case she withholds contact because of it (and she would). I think that is really unfair. Why should the mother have the last say?

DH has got as much right to get his child's hair cut as her mum has. If DH asked me to take his DD for a haircut (because he was too busy, or didnt really want to sit in a hair salon) I would, and have done. I wouldn't expect him to get his ex wifes permission to do so.

In this case I think the OP needs to let it go. She is under considerable stress as it is and she doesn't know that this cut was done in spite - she may feel this way because of the ongoing court battle, but really, hair grows.

hectorthestandbyhawk · 16/07/2012 19:59

Although both parent should have a a say in decisions about things like this, it's a dead cert the dad this as a wind up. He knew it would offend the op. It's not a normal hair cut, it's a drastic change from curls to a shorn head. There seem to be a lot of unofficial haircut threads. I'm sure it's because those who are feeling insecure about their position in a child's life will use a haircut to gain power in the situation ( just as happened in the bible story).

hectorthestandbyhawk · 16/07/2012 20:00

Although both parent should have a a say in decisions about things like this, it's a dead cert the dad this as a wind up. He knew it would offend the op. It's not a normal hair cut, it's a drastic change from curls to a shorn head. There seem to be a lot of unofficial haircut threads. I'm sure it's because those who are feeling insecure about their position in a child's life will use a haircut to gain power in the situation ( just as happened in the bible story).

LtEveDallas · 16/07/2012 20:24

But maybe the son wanted his haircut? Maybe he's being teased at school for having 'lovely locks'. Maybe all his friends have short hair and he wanted it too.

(I was confused earlier thinking the op meant her baby son, but on re-reading it's her eldest son, so he is able to talk and possibly ask for a haircut)

Less · 16/07/2012 20:54

I think a lot of fathers deal with their sons' haircuts TBH, almost a right of passage thing. (and we complain when they don't do enough with/for them). If you ex was wanting to get it done and his GF was willing and able it makes sense to me to let her rather than pay someone else.

I'd think it was unreasonable if she'd done it without permission, but presumably she did have his father's permission. I also don't think it's unusual for a father to want his boy to get rid of his "lovely locks" when mum is quite attached to them. Ideally it would be properly discussed, but I don't think mum has more right than dad to decide if/how it should be cut.

Doing it with clippers is easy and will save £££, so between them they have/will have saved you a fortune.

Realistically, the lovely locks would have had to go eventually anyway.

I'd do exactly as Hecate says. If they did it without thinking/realising how upset you'd be, then it's the right thing to do. If they did do it deliberately to wind you up then it will drive them mad.

CouthyMow · 16/07/2012 21:07

I have IMMENSE sympathy for you, and how you are feeling right now. I have this issue with the OW my Ex-H left for. And it wouldn't seem quite so bad, if my 10yo didn't WANT longer hair...

And it is nothing to do with his Dad, the haircuts (think Justin Bieber style to shaved head) - it's his Dad's GF, who thinks that his hair should be cut the same as HER son's hair, so it "Looks the same in photographs." Her son doesn't even have the same father!

What she didn't reckon on was me taking it to court as they were ignoring his wishes. If she cuts his hair again - they will be in breach of the court order, and contact will be limited to a contact centre.

Which might sound OTT when it is currently an 8/6 day split over a fortnight, including overnights - but when you have dealt with a 10yo who is in floods of tears because she has held him down to clip his hair off, and it is emotionally affecting him - he even said he just didn't feel like himself, and wanted to hide away from everyone until his hair grew - you might understand.

It is done by a GF with the SOLE intention of writing a mother out of her DC's life. I have been dealing with it for 9 years now - she even cut off his baby curls!

NEVER A-FUCKING-GAIN!

queenofthepirates · 16/07/2012 23:32

You have every right to throw an enormous wobbly at this woman, she's gone too far.

Whether you choose to though and prefer to vent here, is another thing entirely. Could I suggest getting some crockery and having an almighty chucking session? Terribly destructive but rather good for pent up anger and frustration.

I wish you well, you've been treated badly.