My ex's GF has cut my sons hair!!

[SOULofLOVE]

I need some opinions on this please!
My ex brought back my sons this morning and my oldest had had all his lovely locks shaved off!! I was close to tears. And then to add insult to injury, the cut was done by his girlfriend.
I feel violated. I know that sounds a strong word but i do. We dont have the best of relationships as it is (he left with no warning when I was pregnant with 2nd son which we had planned, moved in round the corner with the woman he was having affair with, denied pregnancy, didnt see new baby for the first 6 months of his life, and now that the my son is 17 months he is taking me to court for 50 50 custody. He already gets 40% over 2 weeks). So its a very very caustic situation right now. Right in the middle of heated horrible expensive court battles.
This feels like a final straw to me. She knew exactly what she was doing.
What do I do? If i roll over and do nothing it just perpetuates this feeling of my impotance and low self esteem. If I get angry and (do what? i dont know) then all that that achieves is further animosity and negative feelings all round. I feel trapped. and my thoughts escalate out of control and I start thinking I will always live in this ground hog day of spending all my energies fending off these awful situations.
I hope someone has some answers.

I do think that ex's GF has overstepped the mark. But also agree that your ex should have a say in your DS's haircutting.

I have an understanding with both ex and ex's GF because my DP's DS is 3 and has the most ridiculous hair. It's gorgeous blonde curls but it really is too long (pretty much shoulder length) and gets really tangled up and he's not the biggest fan of hairbrushes (mind you, his older sister is worse!). It really does need a cut, but my DP knows that it would cause massive upset if he did anything about it (which wouldn't be me doing it - a) because I'd make a right mess, and b) because I really don't think it's my place to do so) so he's trying to keep the peace. Again...

Think you have to just suck this one up I'm afriad. It's happened, and you've realised that it's crossed a boundary for you, but wasn't one that you had explicitly laid out with your Ex and his partner.

Someone on here has already said, but I think getting angry doesn't help. The only thing you can do is express your disappointment that they didn't discuss it wiht you first, and agree that they will next time.

Another one who can totally see your POV. A haircut, especially on a young child, can totally change their appearance. When my ex CM cut my DS's hair short with my permission it was still a shock to see him looking like that.

I hope you can resolve this without having to go down the route Couthymow has had to take.

I would be LIVID! And I think it's got everything to do with who cut it also.
Of course you would be angry if your exes bit on the side decided to play mummy.

I do agree however that this is more than likely a way to "get" at you. New girl is most definitely terrified her new territory is going to do the same thing to her that he did to you and is using your son to mark her territory. She's probably far more messed up than you. And hey, she's stuck with him now, you are well shot.

"exes bit on the side" really? Presumably they've been a couple for almost 2 years and she has been in the life of the school age son for that amount of time?

Oh I don't know, maybe it is worth all the frothing. Personally I would have hoped to have moved on by now if this was me, but what do I know? Obviously some people hurt more than others.

As long as both parties don't try to use the kids as pawns, I'm sure it will work out in the end.

I put up with it from when DS was 19 months old until he was 10yo. At that point, when she was actually having to restrain him to cut his hair, that HE didn't want cut, I snapped and took it back to court.

IMO, if a DC is old enough to express an opinion on how they want their hair, that is a PART OF THEIR OWN BODY, then they are old enough to be listened to. And not be physically restrained to have it cut when they don't want it to be.

They have, however, taken notice of the court order when they took no notice of either me OR my DS!

And YES, LtEve, bit on the side. I STILL see Ex-H's OW as the other woman even though they have been together for over 9 years...

Once an OW, ALWAYS an OW. Don't fuck someone else's husband...

...If you can't cope with being referred to as the OW for ever more!

IMO, if a DC is old enough to express an opinion on how they want their hair, that is a PART OF THEIR OWN BODY, then they are old enough to be listened to. And not be physically restrained to have it cut when they don't want it to be.

Gosh yes, absolutely in your case. No doubt there, your case is shocking. I was still thinking about the OPs OP.

(I'm not as sure about the OW thing mind, but I've never been on the receiving end of something like that though, so...)

Heehee couthymow, I see we have both at some point been there.

I stand by the OPs reaction.

I think you're over-reacting massively. It's only hair and it will grow
back. Unless she held him down and shaved his hair off there's nothing at all you cando about it! Don't let her know that you know she did it. I also don't think you can blame her, your ex may have said to her "DP can you cut DS's hair as it's too long/messy/hot/impratical for school/ he's asked for it cut etc.

I feel your pain op! Ds had lovely wavy blonde locks until he was about 4. His father's gf took him (without asking me) for a haircut. He came home with an ugly curly frizzy do. My feelings weren't about jealousy (we had split on mutual terms and I got on really well with his gf to the point that we'd have girls nights out). But I was NOT happy, he looked like an idiot. She knew it, and apologised that the hairdresser had cocked it up.

Now he's 15 and after he grew his hair for six months and had the piss ripped out of him at school so he could eventually have it cut into a nice style what did his dad do again? Yep, two weeks after ds had it cut by a fab hairdresser, his dad took him to get it "trimmed" and the "barber" took the fooking lot off. I was bloody seething!!

i expect my suituation may be very different to yours but i have prohibative steps orders that stop my dc's dad from
taking part in any medical instruction
any part in educational decisions other than being informed off
cutting hair
taking dc within 100 yards of any venue that enables international travel
obtaining a passport
having any access to my dc's money
leaving his gf in sole charge of dc
withholding any medication in any way
taking dc to any religious venue without my agreement
any phisical punishment
stopping dc making use of a telephone for emergency reasons
force feeding dc
removing dc from any venue without my expressed consent

some of these orders are as a injuction with power of arrest attached

it helped me that my ex was a total twat and informed the judge that he was intending on kidnapping our child and taking him to a country that is not signed up to the international child abduction thingy.and he actually stated that he did shed loads of things to punish dc and me and that it didnt matter that his gf was concidered to be a risk it was his choice as his dad.

im sorry that this happened but i kinda agree with hectate, that reaction will nip any stuff done intentionally to wind you up in the bud.
a normal haircut done safely and without injury may piss you right off but on the scale of things its not worth giving them the satisfaction

wow,
havent been on for ages. Thanks for all the replies. This topic has certainly ruffled some feathers! I have had a week to think about it. AND I AM STILL FUMING!!! no matter how many people I tell, even dads, they ALL agree that GF crossed the line. My solicitor said she has shown a total lack of respect and that this kind of behaviour will be taken on board by CAFCASS when they carry out a full investigation later this year. It will be shown that the ex and GF's constant undermining of me as the boys's mother, is having a direct effect on the emotional wellbeing of the boys. It stands to reason that no matter how hard you try to hide your feelings with your children and put on that happy face, they feel it. They know if their parents arent getting on. I feel so so incredibly sad that they keep shitting on me when Im dong nothin wrong. Never denied access. Never bad mouth them to my kids. Never asked for more money (measly). Always trying to communicate without solicitors. Why is it when someone is gulity as hell, they actually treat the one theyve shat on, even worse? and continue to so. Maybe its that, or face what they have done. And my ex will NEVER face up to his actions.

Because they are the ones who birth them ... a man can't go from being half arsed to dictating everything.. fathers juat aren't as important that simple .. my exes gf did it to my 2 hear old son last week .. when i asked her she threw insults at me a d said if he were hers she do a better job.. step moms are trouble

@CouthyMow , I completely agree with what you’ve said . My ex stopped seeing my eldest as he saw his new family as more important, but the ow , was always the ow too me.

I would say that as a dad, my ex cuts our daughters hair all the time without informing me, and the first time it happened it upset me too. Different situation I guess as I wasn't the primary caregiver, but ultimately is it worth the argument? I'm pretty sure he's entitled to get DC's hair cut if he wishes, and showing up in court complaining about a haircut isn't going to do much, meanwhile if he shows up saying you argued with him causing issues because he did it's likely to help him if anything?

I think this is probably a point where you're right, but you should pick your battles?