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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should I tell him I have given birth

48 replies

angelelle · 15/07/2012 13:05

Just really wanted to get some quick thoughts. Recap although I have posted before. 28 wks pregnant, father not involved so far. Does not want to be at birth or take his 10 days paternity leave to help out. Has not contacted me regarding anything to do with pregnancy. Should I tell him I have given birth? Has anyone else been in this situation. He knows full well my dates and I figure if he really wants to know he will contact me on or before this date or send me a text asking me to let him know when I have done the deed. I doubt I shall hear from him before I give birth so question, should I bother telling him when dd arrived or just leave it for him to get in touch if and when he is interested?

What would you do?

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 15/07/2012 13:08

I'd let the CSA inform him personally

Along with a schedule of his expected maintenance payments

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 15/07/2012 13:11

I wouldn't. You don't need the extra stress after you've just given birth. i suspect that you are hoping he'll suddenly have a change of heart and turn into a fabulous, helpful dad. Sadly, ime, that's doubtful and you'll be left feeling disappointed and rejected at a time when you least need it. Leave it a few weeks

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/07/2012 13:13

I agree with babylon.

He has shown no interest so far. When your beautiful baby is born he should be the last thing on your mind. Enjoy being a mum and let CSA sort him out. If he makes contact then decide your next move, but its not upto you to worry about him!

SpottyTeacakes · 15/07/2012 13:14

I think it's the last thing you'll want to be thinking about, and rightly so. Let him find out through someone else or wait for him to ask you, if he does.

kilmuir · 15/07/2012 13:15

Yes of course

Original poster

angelelle · 15/07/2012 13:50

thanks guys, yes that is my sentiment. I think if I send him a text saying I have given birth etc and he doesn't respond or sends something like 'OK' (I guess I am expecting a congrats for all the hard work, lol). I will be more upset.

I think I will wait for him to ask. It is hard as I so badly want him to attach to his daughter (not me, his daughter) but every text I have sent regarding her development 'in utero' has gone left unasnwered so I have stopped now. Just too disappointing. Thanks for confirming what I felt in my gut. If he hasn't asked in 9 months why would he start after baby is born? His loss, not mine. Will try not to text, however emotional I get!!

OP posts:

SpottyTeacakes · 15/07/2012 15:48

He might change his mind once she's born , you never know definitely not worth worrying yourself with though you have far more important things to think about!

MrsTomHardy · 15/07/2012 16:05

Agree with Babylon...get csa involved and let them tell him.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/07/2012 16:11

I think you should tell him

SpottyTeacakes · 15/07/2012 16:25

Could you send him one last text asking him if he wants you to let him know? If he doesn't reply to that one then you don't have to feel guilty for not telling him but otoh he might surprise you

Sallyingforth · 15/07/2012 16:40

It's sad that if he doesn't want to be involved with his child, and you should certainly tell him after the birth so that he can come and see the little one if he wants.
But if he's really not interested there's no point in trying to persuade him.

However you must certainly put the CSA onto the case because he still has that financial responsibilty.

Original poster

angelelle · 15/07/2012 17:01

ohh mixed feedback, which is good :) All opinions welcome. I will have to play it by ear. To be honest, with his behavious in the past 9 months he wont be the first person on my to call list. Really don't feel like sending anymore texts to him as I have been burnt by either no reply or nasty reply :(

Oh well, have 2.5 months to think.

OP posts:

perceptionreality · 15/07/2012 17:10

I would not bother, honestly - I have been in this situation too. There are some people who are happy to be in denial that they have chosen to ignore their own child.

Definitely get the CSA after him though!

queenofthepirates · 15/07/2012 18:52

I was in your situation and I didn't call and boy am I glad I haven't churned myself up over it. I have occasionally contemplated calling my DD's dad but

I can't make him into an unwilling parent
my focus needed to be on me and my DD
if he wanted to call, he would
it would cause bellyache all round
we don't have to worry about a flighty, uncommitted man drifting in an out of our lives asserting his right to occasionally parent and causing damage to my DD's self esteem any more than being an absent parent would.

I now have the time and energy to love and care for my DD without this kind of stress. Your ex is an adult and if he wants to respond to you, he can. You've done enough to facilitate him, now let him come to you. You do deserve much better.

ThoughtsPlease · 16/07/2012 14:52

To be honest he obviously has a rough idea when you will give birth, or perhaps he could take the initiative and actually ask you if you would let him know once the baby has been born.

corlan · 16/07/2012 17:06

I've been in this situation and I told him when I went into labour. I suppose I was 'lucky' as these things go because 13 years later he is still a 'Sunday Dad' to our DD ( we split up when I was pregnant and he said he would have nothing to do with her. I didn't contact him at all for the last 6 months of my pregnancy and he didn't contact me. )

I think you are right to play it by ear - you really don't know how you are going to feel when your child is born and you don't know how he will feel. On past form, he's not going to step up but you never know, stranger things have happened.

Just concentrate on yourself and your baby - assume that this guy is not going to be involved and definitely go to the CSA to get him to support his child financially.

Good luck!

avenueone · 16/07/2012 19:11

I told mine (he left when I was PG) he text my birthing partner back 12 hours later and asked to see the baby - I let him supidly on my own - he squared up to me and make lots of demands including how he wasn't going to pay - it was terrible.
I don't know what to suggest - looking back at least I can now say you had your chance and you were agressive and unsupportive.
It was so hard for me when my baby was first born and it added real pressure, spoilt things a lot.
Good luck with everything - you have to do what is best for you two.

AmberLeaf · 16/07/2012 19:17

Have you got support in place for when youre having/have had the baby?

So he's totally blanked you when you have text him about your progress? Has he said he wants any involvement since you told him you were pregnant?

Original poster

angelelle · 16/07/2012 21:29

Hi, yes my mum Will be with me and i have set à whole support system upp for myself so no worries there :) i have stopped telling him about progress due to lack of interest when i tried. He actually refused to ask the sex of the child after the scan, also did not want to know about Scan but there i buckled and told him all was well. Never asked about anything Else though, anything he knows i have fed him via mail or text, no replies though. I am thinking i Will probably send bog standard she is born, weight and height etc and then it Will be up to him if he wants to see pictures. He has Said he wants to see her when she is born but due to total lack of interest up until now i kind of figure it is up to him to lift à finger... He does know where i am and due date, not rocket science eh :) thanks for feedback.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 16/07/2012 21:40

That's really good that you have good support in place.

I think if it were me I'd let him know but leave it at that.

I think you're going about it in the right way, whatever he does you can't say you haven't tried.

Wish you well with it all. [Smile]

Babylon1 · 16/07/2012 21:43

My initial response yesterday was very flippant I think.

After giving it more thought I would probably text him and ask him if he'd like to be informed when baby arrives.

If there is no response or a nasty response, I think you then need to go down the road of letting the CSA inform him on your behalf.

Whatever you do though, don't mention CSA to him at all. Don't give him an opportunity to pack up work and squirrel away his assets/savings etc. Surprise him with it

twonker · 16/07/2012 23:02

How much of a wanker is he? If he is a total wanker, create distance while it is easy to. Sometimes it is hard to tell if it is just that he can't cope with it until the reality is there for him, or if he is a 100%waste of space. Good luck not losing too much energy over it while you figure it out.

Original poster

angelelle · 17/07/2012 16:26

As of right now I have decided to send him a text and ask him if he wants to be informed of the birth. Thinking I will send this around 33 weeks as anything can happen after that. Guess it is sort of last chance saloon...He is not a complete wanker. He is just quite an immature, scared man who is very very afraid of responsibility and is in denial (my assessment having known him for 3 years). At least then I will know if he answers or not, I am pretty sure he will want to know. I have to tell a funny story (yes funny through heartache). This man owns a pet and has a fb page for his pet (yes weirdo I know). We stopped being fb friends when we broke up (his choice) but I was still friends with his pet! After my big scan I put a picture of the scan on my fb page. Found out later he had gone through his pets page to look at scan!! It actually made me think what a twat! He actively did not want me to show him the picture when I had it in my hand but still wanted to see it. Really hurt that he couldnt just ask to see the picture when I stood there with it in my hand...needless to say his pet and I are no longer friends.

OP posts:

Pickles77 · 17/07/2012 16:37

I think it will give you peace of mind
To know you have told him? IFYSWIM

JennerOSity · 17/07/2012 16:40

his pet and I are no longer friends That made me laugh.

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