Should I tell him I have given birth

[angelelle]

Just really wanted to get some quick thoughts. Recap although I have posted before. 28 wks pregnant, father not involved so far. Does not want to be at birth or take his 10 days paternity leave to help out. Has not contacted me regarding anything to do with pregnancy. Should I tell him I have given birth? Has anyone else been in this situation. He knows full well my dates and I figure if he really wants to know he will contact me on or before this date or send me a text asking me to let him know when I have done the deed. I doubt I shall hear from him before I give birth so question, should I bother telling him when dd arrived or just leave it for him to get in touch if and when he is interested?

What would you do?

his pet has a fb page?....hahahahahahahaha....folk are so odd sometimes!!

I would be the better person and do the right thing and send a congratulations card with a photo and birth details...

Then Mr Scared can SEE the reality and let it sink in, etc

when you post the card...be posting the application to csa at same time...

Angelelle i am in similar position but baby's dad split with me before i found out was pg and then told me i was 'irresponsible and stupid' if i went ahead with pregnancy knowing he wasnt interested!! I told the prick how 'irresponsible and stupid' he was when he removed the condom!!!

Ive had no contact with him since and he lives just down the road from me. We are still friends on FB and when i post pictures after the birth it will be his loss.

And i plan to tell the csa too which iwasnt going to at first

Thanks, i am really hoping and praying it Will look like him and then send à foto. I am glad he is not on My fb so he cant take the Easy option of not asking to see pic but seeing it anyway!! Hormonalhell...i dont think it Will be that Easy for him when he seds you walking down the road with the baby but these men can be strange....it Will be interesting to start à new thread after we have given birth....what did the father do in the end?! I Will end up in another country from the father so be interesting to see if he gets on à plane to see us.

I was in a similar situation, ds dad wasn't over interested in my pregnancy and i told him around 20 minuets after i had ds which he took badly shouted at me for me not telling him sooner (he didn't want to be at the birth!) called me various names and slammed the phone down, regret ever telling him he stills holds a grudge now and it's one of many excuses of why he won't see ds!

Ok, first things first: baby and you.

Once the turmoil if baby arrival has settled down, your hormones have calmed down and you feel stronger to deal with more rejection or a sudden change of heart, then is the time to contact him. Otherwise you will be making things more difficult for you two at the time you leasr need it.

Personally, I would send him a text now telling him when is the due date, no questions, no room for him to hurt you. And forget about it. If he chises to get in touch, good. If he doesn't... Well you already knew he didn't care.

If he decides to care at a later time, there will be time in the future to sort it up, in the mean time, concentrate in being well fir the sake of baby and yourself.

Id not bother contacting him. Next thing you know, he'll want to be at the birth as a rubber necking spectator, and that's going to add a whole new level of stress guilt and obligation.

This chap is not going to turn into dad of the year. In fact, he may well turn into nightmare dad trying to take baby places you dont want her to go.

I'd say you are better off writing him out of the picture and letting the CSA deal with it all - if he was interested, he would have been in touch regularly. He'd want to see your bump. He'd want to be at the scan. He'd want to be at the birth. His family would be making discrete enquiries about your health and welfare, and there would be offers of money to buy cots and prams.

You are getting nothing, not pysical, financial or emotional support - so for your own future sanity, get your head into the idea that you are a single parent and he is a twunt. There is no fairy tale ending to this story, you need to start imagining a future with someone new who will love and cherish you and your DD.

I have to say I very much agree with Hatti's post. Take stock and carry on. Without him.

I was more or less in your situation.

I DID let him know. I suppose I felt that my DD and her father deserved a clean slate and that I had to separate everything he had done to me from what he may or may not do to her.

It was hard, but until my DD was/is old enough to act and speak for herself, I have always felt that it is my duty not to stand in the way of any relationship they have.

If he had proved himself to be crap then of course I would acted accordingly!

I say give him a chance, but not a second one!

As it happens, DD has the most devoted father in the world now. Still causes me lots of grief, but I am glad I let it happen. I would never have wanted her to come back and say that I stopped her having a Dad.

I think you need to stop chasing this man, who has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be a father. By all means set the CSA on him, but trying to make him into the good dad you want him to be simply isn;t going to work, and is a waste of your time and energy.

can one get the CSA involved if the child does not have the father surname?

Yes, of course you can. How it works is that they assume the man you make the claim against is the father and if he denies being the father they offer him a DNA test. It is made clear that if after the test the man is proven to be the father he will have to pay for it. If he refuses the DNA test then he is assumed to be the father and the claim is chased up.

In short, if the man shares DNA with the child then he can be chased by the CSA. There are a lot of naive men I know who think you have to be married or something to make a claim and that they would not have to pay for a child conceived say, via a one night stand. Not so!

thanks for all the comments and feedback :) I think I will send a simple text so he knows. Then it is up to him. I will be going back to my mums to give birth so initially there is no chance for him to come back hours after the birth and throw his weight around and I will deal with that if/when he chooses to see his daughter. That is really up to him and his problem, I am not going to chase him.

Send a text or get your birthing partner to. An actual baby is a lot more real than one in the belly for most men. Just leave the door open for him to establish contact for the sake of your child but don't feel it's your job to promote the contact.

Hi guys, thanks for all the lovely feedback and support. Well as I am leaving the country in two days (which is exactly what he wants, my theory is then he will never have to feel guilty re not turning up for birth as 'I wasnt here anyway'). So moving home so my mum can be my birthing partner. Decided I wanted to do the right thing so that I can always hold my head high in this situation and with a friends support who was staying here I sent simple text saying 'leaving for UK in a few days, will let you know how things go'. Surprise surprise, no answer :) Not that I was expecting one but in my heart I was hoping for a good luck or something (although that would have felt very hollow). So will send him another simple text after birth just giving him date/time/weight. After that it will be entirely up to him what he chooses to do but then no one can ever say that I did not keep him entirely in the loop. I will not chase the dna test either, he wanted it, I set it up for him, not a words of thanks. He wont be on the birth certificate unless he decides he can fork out 150 quid for a plane ticket to come and see dd and put his name on it. That will be entirely up to him. Beyond caring really. xxx

Hi angelle

Just a few thoughts which you are free to ignore but... assuming you wish to travel freely in and out of the country, should your DD's father decide to take some parental responsibility, he may kick up a bit of a fuss and make you life a bit tricky. Given that he's not pulling his weight at the moment, you might choose to let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy the freedom to make positive choices for you and your child. Now I'd never suggest denying him the right to see his child but given that he's not stepping up at the moment, the option to quietly go about your business might appeal. Blow what anyone else thinks (and frankly few will judge you).

Just a thought x

hi queen, exactly my sentiments. I have already been down that road and talked to solicitor :) I actually think he has sat there thinking he can say this and that and threaten me....and then think I will sit there with open arms and welcome shared custody. Make me laugh a bit inside knowing I have left no stone unturned when it comes to looking at legalities :) Giving birth in england means my child is British and protected under british law. Should he wish to see her he is more than welcome but like I say, lets see if he forks out for a ticket to come and see her after the birth...he can afford it! The father is from another european country and my child will have half that nationality BUT for the time being it wont be a resident there, it will be a resident of the UK which is where my family and support network is. He will have a very hard time forcing me to move back to his country. Like I say, am open to access for him and who knows what the future holds but for now it is best for me and my daughter to be allowed to give birth in peace and have my family around me for support. And I have already heard a few negative comments about my plans and to be honest I dont give a shit. For anyone who thinks I should move back here and sit here on my own with no family or support around me, getting depressed just so he can see his daughter I am not doing it, and if people have an issue with that they can spend 9 months being pregnant on their own getting shit thrown in their face and being told their baby is like cancer...grrrrr!

Oh and to add to that, I did get a response to my text, three days later and at midnight last night. He asked when I was coming back and said he was thinking about life! Then talked about the olympics. Really happy for him that he is thinking about life. Lucky for me I have been there and done that for the past 7 months and now have a great plan in place for me and my daughter to cope with single parenthood. Shame it has taken him 7 months to even start contemplating life, lol :)

Yes you should tell him. Even if he is a complete arse, he created half that life and should be told. He might change his ways when the reality kicks in. I HAVE been in that situation so I'm speaking from experience.

What an idiot!

DS's dad called me a few days after my 12 week scan and that's the last I've ever heard from him. I called when I found out it was a boy & then another day shortly after that. I sent a text to him, the same I sent most of my phonebook, when he was born and he never replied.

I still live at the same place and have the same number, so it's his loss.

I expected no reply but at least I can say I gave him every opportunity to be in his son's life. I want to change my number but I'm waiting a little bit longer, not that I think he'll ever call, I'll probably do it at the end of the year when DS turns 1.

Update, i answered his text and asked him straight out. He wants to be told and he wants to see à photo. In à way i am lucky that he is overseas now so he wont be able to physically disturb me after the birth. Could not handle seeing him. But he Will be informed and then it is up to him. Will update with what happens.

Scaryfeet, do u mind me asking what happened to you?

Angelelle, you are doing great. Putting yourself and the baby first.

I was in your situation. Just that I had left DD's dad before I knew I was pregnant.

He then decided he wanted nothing to do with us. Like you, I went back to my family to give birth -- best decision ever!

Pedigree has the right idea: I let things calm down a bit after the birth and then contacted him with pictures and description of his baby. No response. I have since sent pictures sporadically and little anecdotes about how she's developing. No accusations, no demands. Still no response.

I will continue sending stuff for a while for the simple reason that one day DD is going to ask me about her daddy. And I will be able to show her all the sweet emails that I sent him and say: I tried.

Good luck and keep us posted.

thanks, yes that is a great idea and which is why I let him know I was leaving the country. So no one can ever say I did not try. Hopefully I will be so consumed with my DD after the birth that the last thing on my mind will be chasing the ex:) But I will still let him know so, like you say, I can't ever be accused of not doing my bit!! Thanks, 7 months in, not sure how I got here, thank goodness for family and friends!!!