Single and pregnant

[angelelle]

So I thought I would start a new thread today as feeling a bit down and hoping for some words of comfort or people going through/been through the same.

I am 27 weeks pregnant and alone from the beginning. The father and I were not together at the time of conception but had been together on and off for the past couple of years and in my mind retained a great friendship. When I told him I was pregnant he immediately said he didn't want to have the child but at my age - 38 - I felt like I wanted to go ahead with it. The first months he showed a smidgen of support but this tailored off until 3 months into my pregnancy I got a text simply stating 'I am dating someone'. Since then he has wanted to know nothing about the pregnancy, never asked me once how I am feeling, basically does not give a crap.

I realise that we were not together at the time and he did not want a child but what eats me up is that we were really good friends for the past 3 years and now he wont even talk to me! I can't believe he can care so little for something that he co created that is growing inside me. I feel like I am sitting here on my own feeling depressed while he is off having an amazing time with his new gf.

I have already made plans to return to my mothers, give birth where she lives and stay with her in the beginning for support. I am really lucky to have a supportive family.

I realise that my situation is different from those who have been left pregnant, this is a choice I made. But it doesn't make it any easier when your friend of 3 years treats you like you don't exist, has a new partner and wants nothing to do with you during the pregnancy :( I never expected us to be a couple but I guess I thought human decency would make him pick up the phone once to ask how things are.

Everyone says it gets easier once the baby is born in terms of feelings. I guess I am just fed up with this sickening feeling deep inside that he can deny something so beautiful.

Basically having a completely pants day :(

Ha ha thanks guys, also excuse the spelling. À foreign iPad automatically wants to write lots of strange words!!! The good news is that the Hard Times' get shorter and shorter:) and excitement of being à mum gets bigger and bigger. Like i say his loss. Whether you want to be a parent or not i believe you have to stand by your actions...obviously à bit old fashioned me. He actually told me when i was 4 months pregnant that his new gf was going to be à stepmum to My child which obviously made me feel lovely bearing in mind i hadn't become à mum myself yet! And the one time i made the mistake of saying i was sad he didnt want to contribute to any babythings he Said that he wanted nothing to do with me and that his focus was himself and his girlfriend and he didnt Owe me anything. Which was nice!! Lol i guess i Will laugh one day in the future at his assholery!!!

Angelle - what the fuck??? What a massive, massive tool!

Scarredbutnotbroken. Yay for you. Lots of benefits i am already noticing about being alone and preggers. Like not having to worry about the terrible wind i have been getting!! And eating when and what i like and sleeping when i want...buying the things that i want and not having to worry about anyone Else. See i already feel better:)

I know the stepmum comment really took the biscuit. He didnt want the child but then suddenly he had found à new mum...like hello!! He did send me into à spin for à few weeks though panicking he would take My baby ( was totally hormonal) but spoke to à lawyer so feeling à lot more secure about things now. Like i say, i wasn't expecting marriage, just à touch of milk of human kindness!! I sometimes think i would have been better off having à ons...might have got à bit more support that way, well i couldnt be getting less. The good news is that My good make friends all think he is à tool as well which goes to show there are good men out there....hopefully some left by the time i get to dating again.

Male friends, damn ipad

By the way Angelelle, every single person I encountered when I was pregnant was absolutely lovely to me. Most people are very kind indeed. Surround yourself with such people. The other thing is that your family will have a strong bond with your baby - they will feel extra close to him/her.

You have a point there about male friends. A while after the split I started noticing male behaviour in the positive sense. In a social worker and I work with lots of blokes who work in a mainly female team and lots of male carers/stay at home dad types. It really lifted me when I realised there are lots of men out there who are just really nice, down to earth men who 1 arnt threatened by women, 2 are genuinely comfortable with themselves and 3, are not total misogynists!!! It really helped me separate exp from other men. Exp was a shit because that's who he is - not because he is a man and all men are bastards or whatever - they really arnt
Work sent me for a course of counselling sessions which has really helped. My counsellor is genuinely appalled by some of exp extreme behaviour - it helps because I need someone to tell me it was shocking and unacceptable. But also she is very focused on the present and future and supportive of my parenting decisions. It's def helping me feel like I can cope with 2 on my own

Thanks, yes so far i definitely dont feel like all men are shit heads. Some people are shits, that is all. I have also had counselling and she has been supersupportive in making me feel like i am not in the wrong, plus after i told her lots of Stuff about mine and his relation she actually Said that even 20 years of counselling wouldnt help him...lol. So yes feel very supported.

Hey girls I am also single and pregnant, with dc3. Feel completely shit bout it all as this is my third to a third father but no one plans for things to turn out ths way...I have a dd, 11 and ds, 5 who has severe special needs. So, life is tough. I am 25 weeks pregnant to a guy I was with 3 months, he turned out to be a complete weirdo tbh he told me he did want something to do with the baby but now haven't heard from the bastard
in weeks. Tbh, I am quite glad bout that as I didn't really want him
Involved, he got very weird on me after we split, so I'm going it alone too. Have days where I am completely depressed. Not because of preg or anything, just feel down. Can't wait to
Meet my lil girl. xx

hey notmyself....we all feel bad. I felt crap when I posted yesterday, then a bit better, then I made the mistake of emailing the 'dad' last night and regretted it this morning and panicked. No answer of course. I should just leave well alone, lol. But filled with hormones etc I am very emotional right now. Just focusing on joining NCT classes, single mums groups, preparing for birth etc is keeping me going. If you are glad he is not involved than thank your lucky stars. I was really upset for months that he didnt want anything to do with the pregnancy process but now I feel grateful. To be honest, our relationship has broken down completely since I got pregnant (we were very close before) and to have him interfering would have been horrible. So I am trying to be thankful that I can make all the decisions. I know he will probably be back in a few months to interfere as I know him v.v. well and he has huge control issues, ha ha. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it. For now focus on me and enjoying my up moments in the day. Booked a haircut for thursday to cheer myself up.

hugs

I'm also single and pregnant and have a DD age 2. I had an EA ex so generally feel better that I'm away from him, though there are still a lot of problems to resolve there. I'm 16wks and the baby has high risk of Down's Syndrome. I was also living abroad but have managed to move back with DD against my ex's will. I'm living with family, but basically it means I'm homeless as I had to leave all my belongings abroad.
It's good coming back to where I have friends and family, but everyone feels it's their place to talk about all my problems and tell me what I should do.

If new baby wasn't high risk of ds I would be feeling fine, but as it is I'm having a really hard time.

Positives for you OP are that in my experience the father has caused me lots of probs. It is much easier on your own.

Girls I think we should keep this thread going, give us all a bit of support because reassurance and MN is helping me cope more than anything at the moment

hi summerinthe sun. I am in a similar situation but looking at the positives. I do have my own place abroad where I live but I am moving in to my mums in 3 weeks and will probably stay there througout most of my mat leave. I see this as a positive. My mum will wait on me hand and foot, lol! No but seriously, being surrounded by friends and family is the best now. And ignore people who tell you what you should do, go on your gut. So far you have done an amazing job by just deciding that it is best for you to move home and getting on with that!! Not everyone can make decisions like that.

I am sorry your baby has high risk of DD, sending you hugs and try not to worry, there is also a 'risk' that everything will turn out fine :)

The thing that keeps me going is that my ex will throw a shitfit when he realises I have left the country but that is his problem...he didn't want anything to do with the pregnancy but I know he thinks that in a few months time he will come in and interfere, this keeps me going and makes me laugh a bit inside, ha ha. (please dont get me wrong, i will totally allow access and for him to bond with child etc if he wants but he can get stuffed if he thinks he can ignore me for 9 months and actively say that he wont be at the birth 'cos it is horrible' and then get joint custody!!)

Pickles, yes, this keeps me going as well and away from moping about the poohead dad, lol

Just to add another voice to the pack-I had my DD 15mo on my own with family support too. She's the best thing I ever did although I do remember some lonely days pre birth. The NCT classes were a bit sad, being the only one bringing her mum rather than a partner but TBH, everyone was lovely to us.

My HV was fantastic, very supportive and kind as was my midwife. I was initially reluctant to tell them i was alone lest they think badly of me (although I'm 37) but it turned out to be completely the opposite.

I now have the most amazing daughter; she's bright and articulate and is very much adored by everyone. I can count the bad days on one hand and having her was the right choice as I know it will be for you.

PS, FWIW, as soon as my DD's father expressed no desire to be a father, I didn't chase him and this has proved to be a wise choice. I would never deny my DD the opportunity to see her birth father but he hasn't made any moves and I've not tied myself in knots to make a silk purse out of an old sow's ear. We deserve better.

Not myself- the strongest parent I know is a line parent of 3x3. No judging here!

Summer - so so sorry re the ds risk - it is just a risk though x

Re single parent groups - how did you hear about them? I've just looked at gingerbread and even the area the group is in puts me off. I know that's judgy but I know my city v well

Hi Angelelle, you have definitely done the right thing coming back to UK to have the baby. There are so many custody horrors if you have the baby somewhere else. I very nearly broke the law coming back to UK, but my lawyer advised me to do it anyway, as once on UK soil I'm protected by the law here.

Good luck with NCT and everything, and let us know how you get on. I'm thinking of doing the classes too to make some friends, just have to pluck up the courage to sit among all the blissful smug marrieds!

I mean I nearly broke the law bringing dd back to UK without her father's consent

hi summersun, yes that is why I am going before I give birth :) It is tough but I know it is the best thing and wouldnt I rather be surrounded by people who love me and long for this little baby (ie my family) than someone who is actually encouraging me to disappear :)

DId you have a good lawyer? I am going to consult one back in the UK, just so I know I can relax a bit :)

Err my lawyer is ok, I didn't have time to apply for legal aid or anything, so I've already spent £2000 and we are not that near getting divorced yet.

I think it's worth consulting a lawyer in any case just as you say so you can relax a bit. You would probably just need one meeting just to put your mind at rest.

yes that is what i am planning to do, pay for an hour to get a consultation on my rights...should cost more than about £200 and it is worth it!! I am trying to be really positive and hope it wont come to that. Strange thing is we have been really close friends for the three years we have had our on/off relation and it took me getting pregnant for him to just not want to talk to me again. Its a strange feeling. But I am trying to be really positive and hope that it wont come to that, even if he ever wants to be part of the babies life that we will be able to have an amicable relation. However, I have noticed that women getting pregnant seem to bring out the worst in some men, lol. SO checking with lawyer just in case he stays an asshole!!

Number one, the guy's a jerk.
Number two, you made a great decision to have the baby. Great joy awaits you!!
Number three, I'd still be really hurt, let down, upset. Have a good old cry and wallow in front of a sad film when the mood arises. It'll take time.
Took me about 18 months after the birth of my daughter (split up at 8 months pregnant) to get over it. Doesn't matter if it's rational or not. It's what you feel and your feelings count.
I hope everything goes well for you!

hey there, thanks, yes it is a slow process but I am getting there although up and down. Mixed feelings from he is a jerk, to I want him by my side no matter what. But will never regret keeping baby :) Went to see friends last night who have a 1 month old. It was so wonderful. Tinged with sadness as new dad running about proud as anything and waiting on his gf but I just thought how much the father of my child is going to miss out on these months of bonding. His loss!!! Still hard though, lol.

glad to hear you have come out the other side :)