Single and pregnant

[angelelle]

So I thought I would start a new thread today as feeling a bit down and hoping for some words of comfort or people going through/been through the same.

I am 27 weeks pregnant and alone from the beginning. The father and I were not together at the time of conception but had been together on and off for the past couple of years and in my mind retained a great friendship. When I told him I was pregnant he immediately said he didn't want to have the child but at my age - 38 - I felt like I wanted to go ahead with it. The first months he showed a smidgen of support but this tailored off until 3 months into my pregnancy I got a text simply stating 'I am dating someone'. Since then he has wanted to know nothing about the pregnancy, never asked me once how I am feeling, basically does not give a crap.

I realise that we were not together at the time and he did not want a child but what eats me up is that we were really good friends for the past 3 years and now he wont even talk to me! I can't believe he can care so little for something that he co created that is growing inside me. I feel like I am sitting here on my own feeling depressed while he is off having an amazing time with his new gf.

I have already made plans to return to my mothers, give birth where she lives and stay with her in the beginning for support. I am really lucky to have a supportive family.

I realise that my situation is different from those who have been left pregnant, this is a choice I made. But it doesn't make it any easier when your friend of 3 years treats you like you don't exist, has a new partner and wants nothing to do with you during the pregnancy :( I never expected us to be a couple but I guess I thought human decency would make him pick up the phone once to ask how things are.

Everyone says it gets easier once the baby is born in terms of feelings. I guess I am just fed up with this sickening feeling deep inside that he can deny something so beautiful.

Basically having a completely pants day :(

My ex ran into another relationship when I was 3 months pregnant. I now have a beautiful 10 month old dd who has never met her dad. I have a thread on here 'what would you do' but don't know how to link.

Try to focus on positive things in your life and keep negative people and thoughts out. I organised a baby shower and invited everyone who was special to me along. It was a highlight of my pregnancy.

Feelings change once you have the baby. I did waste 6 months trying to involve her dad in her life. Every encounter was negative.

It sounds like the father of your baby is trying to distance himself. It is actually very empowering to realise you can manage on your own. Good luck with everything xx

My ex ran into another relationship when I was 3 months pregnant. I now have a beautiful 10 month old dd who has never met her dad. I have a thread on here 'what would you do' but don't know how to link.

Try to focus on positive things in your life and keep negative people and thoughts out. I organised a baby shower and invited everyone who was special to me along. It was a highlight of my pregnancy.

Feelings change once you have the baby. I did waste 6 months trying to involve her dad in her life. Every encounter was negative.

It sounds like the father of your baby is trying to distance himself. It is actually very empowering to realise you can manage on your own. Good luck with everything xx

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I am 10 weeks pregnant and single, I have 3 other children. Exp and I broke up a few days after conception and I only realised I was pregnant last week. He isn't very supportive and doesn't want the baby although accepts that I am keeping him or her.

I know it will be really hard - my youngest is only 12 months old but exp didn't help with him and I've managed so far.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Sorry you are having a crap time - I would focus on your friends and your family, and of course the fact that you're clearly going to make a great mum. I wouldn't waste another second even THINKING about him...

When I told him I was pregnant he immediately said he didn't want to have the child but at my age - 38 - I felt like I wanted to go ahead with it.......with the greatest of respect, you knew the situation, and you chose to go ahead with the baby. I would have done this too.(also 38!).BUT he did say he didn't want a child. He hasn't misled you. You chose to ignore what he said. No offence, but he clearly wasn't that into you, so why are you depressed that he's off having such a 'great time' with his girlfriend?! You're going to have a baby!!! That tops anything he's having with her!!!! You sound like you're much better off without him.

Focus on you. Focus on the baby. Big congrats - but please, don't waste any more precious energy thinking about happy families with him, it was never ever meant to be that way. Sorry if I sound harsh x

Single parent here (lots of us about, we aren't rare). Well, when I had my two children I was desperately trying to cling on to a fragile relationship. It was hard work and took away from the pleasure of newborns. I'll never get that time back. My X upset me so badly that instead of being able to focus on my babies I was stressed and worried and angry and insecure. I wish now I'd gone it alone so much sooner. So, I'm not going to say "you're lucky" as that won't ring true. But there ARE positives. You can focus 100% on your baby without having to worry about a relationship. And when your baby is a bit older, the breakup/breakdown of the relationship will be far enough behind you that you will be able to go on a date without talking about why it all turned out like this like I did two years ago. Morto.

Recently I met a woman in REAL LIFE who is also a single parent and that's been great. I know there are lots on line but try and find some single parents in real life.

Congratulations by the way!

OP, my situation was/is almost identical to yours. I had been with my ex for 5 years, then we separated but remained friends. In fact he was the best friend i had. On his birthday we got drunk and ended up in bed. Month later I realised I'm pregnant. I called him, he said he doesn't want to know, hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

I didn't expect us to become a family but i was shocked that the man i had loved and respected for many years and who had supported me through the difficult times in my life could suddenly become so cold and heartless. It was really hard to accept.

Also, because he had been my only good friend prior to this, I didn't really have any support at all (family living in another country). I gave birth alone and for the first 9 months i was all on my own with the baby, then finally made the decision to return to my home country (and it wasn't an easy decision as i had been living in UK for nearly a decade).

My son is now 14 months and while i still think about my ex regularly (feeling sorry for him, then for myself, then getting angry at him, then getting angry at myself for even thinking about that waste of space.. etc) but it's only couple of times a week after i've put my baby to sleep and I'm spending the evening alone and bored. Which is a great progress considering that in the beginning of my pregnancy I spent 90% of my waking hours thinking of my ex...

So what I'm saying is it WILL get easier. Slowly, yes, but time is a great healer. Oh and once your baby is born, you just don't have the time to be thinking of your ex!

It will all be okay! :)

Thanks everyone for the uplifting words, yes I know I can do this :) Error, our situations sound very similar. I dont think it is the fact I thought we would be together again, rather the fact that I feel so let down by what I thought was my best friend. I too live abroad right now but am moving back to UK in 3 weeks to give birth near my family. Thankfully have lots of supportive friends back home.

I know it will get easier....even now it gets better day by day. And at the end of the day, if he doesn't want to see his beauitful baby girl then that is his loss.

thanks ladies xx

I'm 28 weeks and I'm alone...
Except my x tries to be emotionally abusive.

I really do feel your pain, I have no advice bar what the other ladies have said. I just wanted to tell you I know exactly how you feel and wanted to give you a

I was alone from more or less 3 months pg with my daughter op, I found out all sorts of things about my so called partner who i'd known for six years at that point. We'd had an on/off relationship too. He was here one day and gone the next. Changed his number and that was that. He did turn up briefly when dd was nearly five but I wont bore you with the details of that.

It was hard in the beginning, I couldn't believe this guy who had sat on my sofa crying over the death of the baby he had with his ex could deny our baby, but he did. For probably the first few years of dd's life I was screwed up over the whole thing but now I don't really even think of him as her dad. I dont understand or know why he walked away...and I dont need to. She knows who he is but she isn't bothered at all. She's happy and well loved. It's his loss.

You'll be fine, time is a great healer (cheesy I know). Lots of things bug me on a daily basis but he is no longer one of them!

Pickles . To any of you pg and alone, big unmumsnetty hugs. I'm the biggest wimp ever and I did it.

It really helps to keep hearing positive stories.
It helps to try and keep busy too.... (even
Though I find It so hard Op)

Angelelle - I am pretty much you but nearly 6 years on.

Similar situation all round really. However actual fact in the end, the father decided to be involved with DD but not with me.

He wanted nothing to do with a baby to start with. Once she was here, he tried but I could tell he was struggling to give a shit. Gradually that all changed and he is the most excessively devoted father you could ever meet.

DD is 5 now and it took about 3 years to get over what happened. I had an enormous amount of anger towards him which has finally subsided over the past 18 months or so. Only in the last 6 months I can actually talk to him normally.

Not saying that will happen in your case, but I suppose what I mean is that things change.

I was terrified whilst I was pregnant, I literally lost the plot. My stress levels were unreal and probably contributed a lot to having my DD 5 weeks prem. The minute she was here it was all ok. Not easy, but worth every minute.

Havent really made sense but trying to say will all be ok in the end! My DD has absolutely made me. I was nothing before her!

When I was nine months pregnant, on new year's eve I tiled the bathroom floor .

I read a lot too, nothing romantic mind, frothy lighthearted stuff. Marian Keyes "under the duvet".

I DO moan about my kids, they drive me nuts at times but that's just being a parent I think!

Oh my gosh
Do we need to Learn to do things such as tiling? please OP tell me you can't do such things either?

Dd just made toast, she's sitting in her Spongebob jammies that she wont take off. See? 8 years on, she's a normal irritating child

I never said I was GOOD at tiling did I?

Heheeeeee hope your feeling better op.
thanks for cheering us up guys

OP - can I ask, how do you want him to behave? What do you want from him? He has been straight with you - you weren't a couple at the time of conception, and he clearly told you he didn't want a child when you announced the pregnancy. He made you no promises, and did not send mixed signals so I am not sure why you are upset with him now.

Did you subconsciously think/hope that the pregnancy would bring the two of you closer, and perhaps make you into a couple? Reading between the lines, that is what I would guess.

Anyway - best of luck. In your shoes, I'd plan to proceed without him and start thinking about what practical and emotional support you can arrange. Do you work? How will you support yourself and the baby? Is your living situation stable? Those are the things that require your attention now.

Angelelle - whenever I felt low, my Mum (and others) would say to me that once the baby was born nothing else would matter. So, so true.

I hold no ill will towards my eldest's bio father as without him I wouldn't have my utterly wonderful dd.

It does get better. I promise.

It takes two to tango earlybird......!

If a man doesn't want a baby then he should be sorting his contraception out too, it isn't rocket science.

Anyhow, what's done is done...and adults deal with it.

Thanks for all the lovely support:) of course i was expecting the odd...well he was honest, what did you expect..comment which is fine too. I was expecting him to continue to be à friend, that is all. Instead he has actively been nasty and wont discuss any practicalities with me in terms of legalities. I have asked for nothing from him but like i say, as à friend and someone who once Loved me i just thought he would show à bit more human kindness :) but like you all say, cant force someone to take part and i know i Will be stronger at the end of it. Also very lucky with lovely supportive family around me. Cant wait to hold My little bundle. He is more than welcome to have contact if he wished. Cant say i Will welcome him with open arms after à few of the harsh things he has Said to me....there is à difference between opting out and being nasty...but at the end of the day his loss.

Big hugs to all

Oh and the person who asked about My circumstances to support My child i have à fulltime jobb, à good education and à flat. And à wonderful family:)

Oh and the dogsrolex, i agree. We had unprotected sex three times the week i got pregnant....ummmm what did he expect??? I never asked him to marry me, just to take his responsibility. He knew i would never have an abortion due to me and him having one two years prior which traumatised me. I am sorry but i believe there are many men who, in making à woman pregnant, would try and do the right thing by giving some support....unfotrunately i did not pick one of them.

I didn't pick one of them either OP and I kept my baby for exactly the same reason.
I think your doing great-- I'm admiring you

You dont have to explain yourself to anyone angelelle, you're pregnant alone and need support.

Don't worry, my first post ever on this site was when I was pg with dd (nine years ago) and I was accused of trolling .

I'm pg abs alone. I'm 24 weeks. I threw exp out when I was about 9 weeks. I'm in the middle of a horrible divorce and contact battle re dd who is 3.

All that crap aside I love it! I was stressed and exhausted last time due to EA ex. This time I am calm, prepared and so happy at home with my gorgeous dd.
I am tired obviously but I just go to bed with dd and we sleep 12 hours together and no one minds!
Every keeps saying I must get stressed with the divorce etc in case it upsets the baby. I think god are you serious? You have no idea how bad it wax with exp last time - ill show you stress!!

I can't wait to have dd2 on my own. This time I will do it mu way from the beginning and not have to run every bloody decision past retard ex who knows nothing. My house will remain a calm happy place