Is anyone else being pushed out of their DC's lives? Does it matter?

[SidelinedMum]

I've name changed as I know ex checks out my online activity and I don't want him seeing this yet, please don't out me if you recognise me!

Before I start, I know that DD is far more fortunate than many DC's as her Dad does care about her, spends time with her and financially supports her. I am not suggesting for one minute that she would be better off without him around, but I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who has ever felt the way I do at the moment, and ask for advice from those that have, or are, in the same position as me.

Since ex and I split 3 years ago, we have had 50:50 care of DD (11). She spends a week with each of us. It hasn't been easy, and there are days when I regret not following my solicitors advice and seeking a less equal split of care.

My ex has, from the outset, made choices which appear to be an attempt to exclude me from my DD's life. He arranged for her mail to be forwarded from the family home to his new address, he tried to change her GP to one nearer his new home, and he changed her primary place of residence with the school and local Children's Services Dept to his new address, arguing that he has as much right to as I do.

He has also established a much closer relationship with my family than while we were married, which they have supported by ensuring that their family events - such as weddings and christenings - are scheduled at a time that means that DD attends them with him, rather than me.

When he decided that he no longer wanted DD to walk to my house after school each day until he finished work (which was the regular arrangement) he didn't talk to me or DD in advance about it, he went to a solicitor and arranged for a letter to be delivered to me after DD had gone to school on the day it was going to happen and the first DD knew of it was when her Dad turned up to pick her up from school.

There have been literally dozens of incidents, which taken individually seem fairly innocent, but when put together, become a pattern of behaviour that seem to be designed to minimise my role in DD's life.
Ex arranges and takes DD to all her dentist appointments - occasionally he will email me to tell me what has been said. I asked him for details of the dentist DD sees recently, and he emailed me back to say that he thought he was in charge of her contact with her dentist. (He did provide me with the details when pushed, though).
When DD told her Dad that she and I had been planning her first solo bus journey the following week, he arranged for her to take a solo bus journey before she saw me next.

When DD asked him if she could spend an extra day with me because a friend of mine had offered to introduce DD to her own DD and friends who she will be going to secondary school with, ex made direct contact with my friend (via her place of work) and arranged to drop DD off and pick her up himself.

When DD asked her Dad for her passport so that she could open a bank account that she and I had been talking about, he took her to open a different account before she next saw me. (he has her passport & her Birth Certificate, oh, and her baby box with all her scans, hospital bands, formal baby photos etc in, which he took when he moved out).

I have tried to take the high ground, tried not to allow it to bother me, tried to keep DD's best interests at the forefront of my mind, but it is really, really hard.

On the one hand - does it make a difference to DD? She is still doing all the things she wants to - it's just that she does them all with her Dad, not me. On the other hand, is his desire to be involved in everything creating a superficial relationship between DD and myself?
He has a right to know what is going on in her life; but when he is told by DD or myself of plans that we have together, he then ensures that she has that experience with him first, instead.

Am I alone? Mad? Stupid to worry about it?

I've just seen this thread - amazed as I could have written it! My ExH did pretty much all of the above over the last 6 years - I even turned up at my doctors once with DS2, to be told he was no longer a patient! The humiliation of eventually seeing my GP, with my own son registered as a 'temporary visitor', stayed with me for a long time. He had of course changed their doctors without telling me.

All i wanted to say to you is I think you have behaved with dignity, maturity and common sense. I'd like to think I behaved exactly as you are (ok maybe not ALL the time ) and now DS's are 17 & 15. They still see their dad, when they want, and ignore his 'timetable'. He used to insist on 50:50, the boys have now voted with their feet and it's more like 80:20. They seem to almost pity him, and when we discuss anything to do with their life with him there's lots of eye-rolling and shrugging. DS2 at 15 is extremely vocal about his dislike of his dad's need to control him, and won't have it.

I don't see this as any kind of victory, but I know my Ex narcissist very much sees it as a defeat, and is very angry with me. So what. Hang on in there, I know it's tough but believe in yourself that one day you will be seen as the one, stable, normal, reliable person in your child's life.

He sounds just like dhs ex who has dedicated her life to preventing ds having a relationship with him - down to creating in school so dh left so there was no scene.

You are right to be wary - we are at the point where 40/60 court orders have been erased and ds is now reduced to sneaking up once a week for tea behind his mothers back (16) because it's easier for him to pretend he doesn't see his dad than cope with the histrionics if she knows ds has been here.

Dh always took a backs seat because ex took everything out on ds (except fighting for contact in court). As soon as ds was "too old" (14) to enforce court orders - pressure was put on ds to comply - including one day just banning ds from his mid week contact with dad - achieved by screaming at ds in the street when he tried to leave with next days uniform.

If I hadn't lived it - I wouldn't believe it - how much emotional power she has over ds. And I know we aren't the only ones in this situation.

You could just stop sending DD half the time and wait for him to go to court - but DD would have to agree and I have seen the power these sort of scum people wield over their children.

I think you are very right to be wary - but remember once DD gets to 13 no-one can force her to do anything if she has the emotional strength to refuse (my ds is traumatised and has been in counselling for years his mother has no idea about).