Is anyone else being pushed out of their DC's lives? Does it matter?

[SidelinedMum]

I've name changed as I know ex checks out my online activity and I don't want him seeing this yet, please don't out me if you recognise me!

Before I start, I know that DD is far more fortunate than many DC's as her Dad does care about her, spends time with her and financially supports her. I am not suggesting for one minute that she would be better off without him around, but I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who has ever felt the way I do at the moment, and ask for advice from those that have, or are, in the same position as me.

Since ex and I split 3 years ago, we have had 50:50 care of DD (11). She spends a week with each of us. It hasn't been easy, and there are days when I regret not following my solicitors advice and seeking a less equal split of care.

My ex has, from the outset, made choices which appear to be an attempt to exclude me from my DD's life. He arranged for her mail to be forwarded from the family home to his new address, he tried to change her GP to one nearer his new home, and he changed her primary place of residence with the school and local Children's Services Dept to his new address, arguing that he has as much right to as I do.

He has also established a much closer relationship with my family than while we were married, which they have supported by ensuring that their family events - such as weddings and christenings - are scheduled at a time that means that DD attends them with him, rather than me.

When he decided that he no longer wanted DD to walk to my house after school each day until he finished work (which was the regular arrangement) he didn't talk to me or DD in advance about it, he went to a solicitor and arranged for a letter to be delivered to me after DD had gone to school on the day it was going to happen and the first DD knew of it was when her Dad turned up to pick her up from school.

There have been literally dozens of incidents, which taken individually seem fairly innocent, but when put together, become a pattern of behaviour that seem to be designed to minimise my role in DD's life.
Ex arranges and takes DD to all her dentist appointments - occasionally he will email me to tell me what has been said. I asked him for details of the dentist DD sees recently, and he emailed me back to say that he thought he was in charge of her contact with her dentist. (He did provide me with the details when pushed, though).
When DD told her Dad that she and I had been planning her first solo bus journey the following week, he arranged for her to take a solo bus journey before she saw me next.

When DD asked him if she could spend an extra day with me because a friend of mine had offered to introduce DD to her own DD and friends who she will be going to secondary school with, ex made direct contact with my friend (via her place of work) and arranged to drop DD off and pick her up himself.

When DD asked her Dad for her passport so that she could open a bank account that she and I had been talking about, he took her to open a different account before she next saw me. (he has her passport & her Birth Certificate, oh, and her baby box with all her scans, hospital bands, formal baby photos etc in, which he took when he moved out).

I have tried to take the high ground, tried not to allow it to bother me, tried to keep DD's best interests at the forefront of my mind, but it is really, really hard.

On the one hand - does it make a difference to DD? She is still doing all the things she wants to - it's just that she does them all with her Dad, not me. On the other hand, is his desire to be involved in everything creating a superficial relationship between DD and myself?
He has a right to know what is going on in her life; but when he is told by DD or myself of plans that we have together, he then ensures that she has that experience with him first, instead.

Am I alone? Mad? Stupid to worry about it?

Having had a chance to think things over, I have clarified my thinking and worked out what made me

He created a situation in which DD was unable to share that milestone in her life with both her parents, and engineered the circumstances so that she could only share it with him and his stbDW.

I have drafted a response to his email - which I am going to leave until I have calmed down before I re-read, edit and send, but putting it on paper really helped.

A good idea to calm down. Your advantage is to be the sensible, reasonable one that makes things happy and relaxed for DD. Keep the high moral ground by not descending to his level.

Oh dear.

I did send what I believed to be a reasoned and calm reply, explaining that I felt pressured by his behaviour and would have appreciated space to orientate myself and come to decisions in my own time, rather than be expected to agree with what he had already decided.
I also said that I felt that DD had missed out because she did not have the opportunity to meet and teachers or see any of the school with me; she did all of that with ex and his stbDW.

He replied within an hour with a tirade of accusations and criticism - accusing me of demeaning his role as DD's father by asking for my own copy of the registration form, of disrespecting and belittling him as her father by asking DD if she wanted to do take a look around the school and of being hypocritical by expressing concern about the fact that he expects DD share milestone events in her life with his stbDW, when DD also has a step-father in her life (who, I hasten to add, doesn't play the same role in her life as her step-mum does and wasn't at the school meeting).

So, I think that going to see a solicitor is the next step - but what do I ask? How can I present it? It boils down to a he-said, she-said situation, with me asking for more involvement, and him accusing me of excluding him - will a solicitor be able to do anything other than tell me to get on with it?

This is horrendous to deal with.

I think for your solicitor, try writing down a list of incidents along with dates and say that you are concerned about the overall pattern of him trying to exclude you from your dd's life. I think you have been very articulate about your concerns here so I'm sure you'll get it across to the solicitor. Don't be afraid to try more than one solicitor to find one that really gets it (many will give you a free 30-minute session).

I obviously don't know what your solicitor will advise. As a first step, it might be just writing a letter noting your concern at your ex's behaviour. It might help to think of any positive steps you could request that would make things better, eg. saying he needs to consult you properly before making any changes to the status quo (whether that is changing arrangements about your dd coming to your house after school or changing official records relating to her primary place of residence).

Good luck with it, and if you do find helpful strategies, please share!

I agree with NickNameTaken. Start keeping a log.

I have now found out from the school that ex completed and signed a catch-all permission slip regarding DDs time at the school when he was there on Wednesday evening; he did not mention this to me while we were there, or afterwards.
He has excluded my name from all of sections where parents details are required on the form

Usually only one parent does this anyway, even if still together. Let it go, but be firm on the important stuff.

Sounds hideous, I can see why he's your EX.

My EX doesn't actually have PR but I still put his name and details on those school forms!

He sounds like an utter control freak and I agree with what others have said re parenting a teen, I can picture your DD finding his 'ways' difficult to get along with in the next few years.

He really does sound as if he's trying to push you aside and maintain full control.

Sorry only sympathy, ill leave the advice giving to those who know.

PS you are certainly within your rights to write to the school requesting copies of everything ie school reports/letters etc are sent to you too.

redhen What do you think I should stay firm about? Looking back, I do feel that I have caved to his pressure at lot, but I don't want to go the other way and become stupidly demanding

If he plans changes to care arrangements but lets me know at the last minute, for instance, how can I insist on sticking with the agreed plan without causing a scene and dragging DD into it?
In relation to the day DD and I spent together on Weds, if I'd said in advance that we would meet him at the school meeting in the evening rather than DD return to him 2 hours earlier he would have refused to let her spend the day with me. If I'd let him know of a change of plan once DD was with me then he'd have caused an almighty scene (turned up on doorstep etc) and anyway, that is the kind of lack of consideration I am complaining about from him, so would feel uncomfortable behaving towards him in that way

Sorry - redhelen not redhen - damn iPhone!

I can see why your solicitor was advising against 50/50 split, s/he must have recognised a bully in him... so I guess if you went for an advce you could trust him and follow it

I would be furious at my ex taking his GF to school visits, dentists etc - can't that not be prevented?
she isn't one caring for your DD after all

I think you should have said re the meeting dd stays with me & we will see you at 6 for example. If you have made plans with dd then stick to them. But as it is a 50/50 split I really can't see a way round it if he chooses to spike your guns. The upside is that an 11 yr old dd will far rather talk about a lot of things with a mother & go girly shopping etc |(uniform shopping is boring!!!)

My ex takes ow to everything(have separate parents eve appointments) & they don't have any care of my kids beyond the odd afternoon outing - makes me laugh cos as a teacher he used to moan about basically having to doub le his workload cos of divorced parents!!!)

Your dd must be nearly 12. She will have her own opinions about what she wants and how she wants to do it.
These opinions cannot be rode roughshod over by her df your ex as he risks her pushing him out of her life. He might not like that's she's growing up and getting her own opinions but that's tough.
At some time in the near future he won't be able to force her to do what he wants, and you won't be able to force her to spend time with him either.
If you tried to formalise your contact and other arrangements via court I assume that due to her age she would be consulted. He may not realise it but these arrangements are all about the child's right to a relationship with their parents not the other way around.

He sounds like a bully in other ways. I'm assuming you both have PR.
If you do then he has no right to exclude your details from information supplied to the school. I would be very concerned about this it's like he's trying to pretend you don't exist. If you go to a solicitor you must tell them all about these incidents, as it seems to me that his insistence in exercising his right to be recognised as her patent is airbrushing you out of the picture.
This can't be right.
If your dd had an accident at school, it would NE extremely distressing for her if you could not be contacted. And the other stuff about her dentist wtf. He seems to be like he cannot recognise your dd's rights in his quest to overshadow you as main parent.

This attitude can't be in your dd's long term best interests.

NE = be

He sounds like my cousin's ex who is a total narcissist. Very controlling, aggressive, send s her huge long emails and texts a triad of criticism and accusations. Please please do take legal advice. And you may have to grow a bit braver as regards him. Is your daughter happy with him? Or is she uncomfortable around his controlling ways? You have very good examples for a solicitor of him trying to keep you out of DD's life. You've been very articulate. Don't let him intimidate you. The leaving your name off the parental detail forms is beyond unreasonable and a great example for your solicitor. He doesn't want to be involved in your DD's life to be a good father; it's just controlling. If he wanted to be a good father he'd be relaxed about letting your DD do things with you when she wants to. like doing the tour of the school.
He sounds a nightmare.

You need to talk to the school, make it clear to them you have joint PR, and give them correctly completed forms giving both sets of contact information. I would also suggest you have a good talk to a head of year or head of pastoral care, and discuss the issues you are having with your Ex. It will not be the first time they have had to deal with such a situation. you may need to have two appointments for parents evenings, and you can request that all information is sent to both your addresses etc.
But do also see a solicitor.

What does your daughter want? Try to make sure that this is recorded as much as possible.

I've had a busy morning!

I've booked an appointment with the mediation company that we have used several times before - if I'm waiting for a call back from a solicitor to see if they will take my case, and I've written to DD's new school, with a completed and signed copy of the Data Form and permissions slips, explaining the current situation regarding DD's care. I have also requested that the school send me copies of any letters/forms etc by post or email, and asked that if they need parental permission for anything, that they seek my permission in addition to any permission that DD's Dad might give them.

I've also spoken to the Dentists, and left them trying to work out how they deal with the situation - they are reluctant to talk to me without some "proof" that I am DD's mum due to patient confidentiality! It took a lot of effort not to get really shout'y with them - I do understand their position, and there is no point taking it out on them - but how on earth did I let it get to this?!?

What else do I need to do? I'm horrified that I have been letting DD down by not standing up for her right to have me involved in her life - but don't want to go too far the other way because that will make things worse!

You have her birth certificate don't you? I'm afraid I would be arsey enough to take/ send a copy to the dentist. Just to prove a point.

Your ex is trying to make you a non person in her life. Don't let him for her sake.

Why should his dw have/ get PR she already has 2 parents. One of whom - you - seems to really care about her, the other just cares about himself.

You have her birth certificate don't you? I'm afraid I would be arsey enough to take/ send a copy to the dentist. Just to prove a point.

Actually no, I don't have DD's Birth Certificate - ex does. He took it, along with all her other baby momento's like hospital bracelets (and most of the furniture), when he moved out of the family home three years ago.

I've never pushed the issue as I don't need it - and DD did recently ask him for her passport as she needed a form of I/D. I've always assumed that I could get a copy of her birth certificate if I needed it?

Not sure what to do now

I've spoken to three local solicitors, none of whom are currently accepting legal aid cases -so even though I'm eligible, they won't take me on and I'd have to pay full legal fees (court fees etc would be waived). Only one will give me a free 1/2 hr appointment - the practice I have previously used have offered me a fixed fee initial appointment of an hour.

Could I do this on my own? What support is there out there for Mums who self-represent? I'm off to the legal board!

Omg - why should he think hes entitled to all her baby memorabilia? I can only hope from a charitable pov he's just looking after it for your dd.

Re birth cert - ring the register office of the local authority where she was born.
You can get a full copy for a fee. I just paid £12 for a copy of my marriage certificate.

Omg - why should he think hes entitled to all her baby memorabilia? I can only hope from a charitable pov he's just looking after it for your dd.

Because he is her Dad, and as he tells me and anyone else who will listen he has just as much right to keep those things as I do I'm sure that he has them somewhere safe - although they might be in his future MIL or SIL's houses - as he has told me he is storing his important filing and other items with them.

When we separated and he moved out, I agreed that he could have everything he wanted from the house - I wanted to avoid having to spend months in his company sorting through everything to decide who got what, which is what he wanted to do. He is a hoarder and so the house was jammed to the rafters ('000 of DVD's, CD's etc) and much to the incredulity of the mediator at the time, he couldn't actually remember what was in the house, so he couldn't tell me what he wanted so I could pack it up and give it to him.

He demanded at least a weeks access to the house via his solicitor, during which he turned up with a truck and ransacked it, stripping it of furniture, pictures and other items (for instance, he emptied the dog toys onto the floor and took the box they were kept in). One of the reasons I have fallen out with my parents is that my mums reaction was to tell me that it was my own fault - and that if I had allowed a toddler help themselves in a sweet shop, they wouldn't show any self-restraint. It does slightly amuse me that the relationship he has built with them since is based on my mums opinion that he behaves like a 3 year old!

I look back now and think how could I have been so stupid - but I wanted out as quickly as possible, and would have happily walked away from the house as well; the only reason I stayed was because he said he was going to declare himself bankrupt and we would have lost of tiny amount of equity we had. I bought him out and sold it as soon as possible afterwards.

The dentist has got back to me, and have said that I can bring her in for appointments and that they will try and keep me up to date with her treatment.

I did say that I wanted them to seek my consent before treatment in future, but they seemed a bit woolly about that and so I want to follow it up with a letter - having trouble with the wording, though - I don't want to come across as ars'y but don't want them to assume that ex's consent implies that I give consent as well and want to have the opportunity to discuss it as well. Any ideas?

I used to trust ex to do this, but given his recent behaviour, I'm not sure that's a good idea at the moment.

Re consent I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will come along but I'm sure at her age she will have some sort of input into treatment and her consent should be relevant. I think it's called Gillick competency.
Girls not much older than her can access contraception and the morning after pill, without referring to parental consent.

Obviously this affects you and your ex's relationship with her and unless he recognises her autonomy and her right and desire to maintain a healthy mum daughter relationship with you it's not going to end well for him.

You seem to want her to be happy and in doing do have accommodated your ex but I really don't think he has her best interests at heart as he seems unable to recognise her needs is all of this.

Please for both your and her sakes stand up to him and his increasing unreasonable behaviour.