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Original poster

exp refusing to collect DS from DP house

29 replies

Happylander · 06/06/2012 17:14

My exp is refusing to pick up DS from DP house despite it being no different in miles and is in fact quicker to get to than mine or my mums. His reasons are it is further...proved to him it is not as is actually quicker to get to and then he said it is further from nearest big town than mine or my mums. I yet again proved to him that it is the same. I feel he is trying to control where I spend my weekends by doing this and just being very difficult again.

So far he has tried to use the excuse that he is duty to not see DS on Sunday and he wanted him Saturday but we already have plans for a lovely day out with friends so I said no. Then duty went to an event and when he realised I was not going to back down (he requested Sundays and specific dates when he took me to court and so I have worked my life around his dates) he said he will only have him if he can pick him up from mine or my mums house and not DP! That he will not back down on this. WTF!!!!

I am getting bored of all the shit that comes with having a child with a twat. Still helped DS 2.5 make him a fathers day card and birthday card though. GRRR!

Just really wanted a rant I suppose..

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 06/06/2012 17:20

Hmm so why did he feel he had to take you to court?

LaurieFairyCake · 06/06/2012 17:22

Does it not specify in the agreement where he is to pick up DS?

It doesn't matter whether it's your DPs or not, surely he would expect to pick him up from yours?

Original poster
Happylander · 06/06/2012 17:22

No idea really I wanted him to have more contact than he wanted. He does not turn up and refuses to have him when I ask if I need to go to something. My barristers words to the judge were 'this is quite an usual case sir in the fact the mother is offering more contact than the father wants'

My barrister and the social worker could not understand why he did as I could prove on many occasions when he had not turned up for his weekends.

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Original poster
Happylander · 06/06/2012 17:25

Oh and his reasons for specific dates up until September is because he has other things to do on what should be his weekends and so is not seeing him every other weekend and I have offered other weekends but he has refused.

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Original poster
Happylander · 06/06/2012 17:26

in the court order it says he is responsible for drop offs and pick ups.

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Original poster
Happylander · 06/06/2012 17:28

Oh and he has no problem with picking him up from friends houses when I have visited them and they have been out of his way. This is not out of his way and is the same in distance and quicker in time.

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LaurieFairyCake · 06/06/2012 17:43

Ok, so he's responsible for drop offs and pick ups but that doesn't mean you could send him all over the place to get him Confused

I'm sure he's doing it to be a cock but I think you'll have more personal satisfaction if you take a different tack - "of course you don't need to pick him up from Joe's, I didn't realise you were so bothered by my boyfriend". Look pityingly at him. Job done.

Original poster
Happylander · 06/06/2012 17:48

I am not really sending him all over the place though as it is no different to collecting him from my house or my mums. I have said to him that he clearly has a problem with the fact that I have moved on. His response was 'I don't care and you are to get him to your mums house by 0900 on Sunday or I won't have him' This actually means me doing a 40 mile round trip so is putting me out however, DP's house is on his way to where he wants to take DS!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/06/2012 17:50

"Oh okay so you don't want to see him then, fine by me"

MrGin · 07/06/2012 07:25

With all due respect, I can understand why he wouldn't want to pick his dc up from your dp's house. It seems fairly obvious even if he is a dick.

mathanxiety · 07/06/2012 07:41

Do not pander to this man's jealousy. You are in a relationship with your DP. You and DS stay there sometimes if I have read this right, and it is no further for him to travel to do what he is obliged by the court order to do. If you give in to this tantrum of his you will only encourage him.

It is because he is a dick that he won't give you the satisfaction (as he sees it) of seeing him crawling (as he sees it) to another man's house to pick up his DS. Never mind that the DS is stuck in the middle here. You are dealing with an immature first class fool here. Sadly, so is your DS.

I think you need to separate the different issues here:
One is the ongoing summer weekend thing where he won't or can't see the DS for various reasons and won't or can't commit to alternative dates.
The other is the picking up thing.
You also need to look at things from the pov of the DS and ask yourself if any of this is doing him any good.

Both his objections and his behaviour here are unreasonable and tbh, I don't see how anyone will benefit from trying to keep up this visitation arrangement. What you are going to end up doing is show your DS that his father has to be dragged kicking and screaming into a relationship with him, and you are giving your ex an opportunity on a plate to be a thorn in your flesh and control you -- you are probably better able to deal with this than the DS though, and what you are also giving the ex here is the chance to use him against you. I really recommend trying to get a new agreement, even one that limits the amount of time the DS spends with him.

RedHelenB · 07/06/2012 08:08

Your son comes first & is it really too much to ask if he wants to pick him up from your house? Or could you drop him off at6 his instead? Sometimes you have to rise above things - you know he's a prick but it's doubtful he's going to change!! As to father's day cards - at age 2 1/2 why bother?

Original poster
Happylander · 07/06/2012 12:45

mrgin he had an affair and left me for OW who no doubt will be in his car when (if) he picks DS up so how can he have a problem with picking DS up from my DP house.

I have arranged a whole weekend seeing friends, DS meeting up with his little buddy etc at DP house. Why should I yet again change things to suit this man??? It has now become a joke with my mates and family about what crap he will come out with to get out of having him when it is his contact weekend.

As I have said it makes no difference to him time wise or distance wise but makes a lot of difference to me. This is just a long line of crap and controlling behaviour from him I have had to deal. Why is it not too much for him to pick him up from DP house??? Why shouldn't he rise above whatever issues he has with it?? Why can't he put DS first for once??

This is more about him trying to get out of having DS yet again and using this as an excuse. So far, as I have previously stated, he tried that he was duty then when that did not work it became an event he wanted to go to and now this!

As I said in OP I merely wanted a rant

OP posts:
ladydeedy · 07/06/2012 14:01

I think it is quite reasonable for him to say he will collect from your house, not DPs. The fact that your ex had an affair is completely irrelevant. You say you ask him to have DS when you need to go out to things and expect him to do so. You do sound to be a bit controlling, at least you come across like that. Rather than get in a state over this and escalate it, just have DS at your house at pick-up time. Sounds like you are almost spoiling for a fight, tbh.

hattifattner · 07/06/2012 14:07

can you suggest a compromise: Meet in a car park thats on the way to your mums, so he is not having to travel as far and not having to collect DS from your new bfs.

I would however, tell him you will be thee from 9:00 to 9:20 and if he doesnt arrive you will be leaving. ANd then go and record it as a no show.

Never ever tell him you have plans.

Original poster
Happylander · 07/06/2012 14:27

Ladydeedy Controlling because I have asked him if he will look after our son so I can go to a hen do and a wedding etc. I am not sure how that is controlling??? I asked him and he said no and sorry but if you have a child shouldn't you expect to look after them??? He is his father fgs and wouldn't it be better for our DS to spend time with his father than a babysitter?? He always and I mean always says no anyway. He has never ever looked after DS when I have asked him too. As far as I am concerned we both had a child we are both responsible for childcare and for parenting however, it is all left to me. I am expected and I mean expected as I don't even get a say in it when he refuses to have DS on HIS contact weekends because he wants to go out or go on holiday or away for the weekend. I do not even get asked he just tells me he is not coming. So how can I be the controlling one here??? How is he not the controlling one when he tells me I am to have DS when he doesn't want him on his weekends and that I am expected to take DS to my mums so he can pick him up form there when yet again I will say the time and distance is the same to my mums as it is for him to go to DP's. I am confused by your comment.

Surely you can see from my point of view that he is still trying to control me by refusing to pick up DS from DP where we are spending the weekend when the distance is the same. I am not asking him to drive any further in time or distance and if I was then yes I would meet him.

Also why is him picking up DS from my partners house such a problem?? I am sure if I was saying that I do not want OW to be in the car when he picks him up from my mums then I would be getting told I am controlling for that yet he is effectively doing the same by refusing to pick DS up for DP's

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Original poster
Happylander · 07/06/2012 14:31

By the way Ex does not live locally so I am not asking him to go out of his way it is on his route to where he wants to spend the day with DS.

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MrsRhettButler · 07/06/2012 14:32

Ladydeedy are you op's xp?

Op YANBU

mathanxiety · 07/06/2012 17:27

'..he had an affair and left me for OW who no doubt will be in his car when (if) he picks DS up so how can he have a problem with picking DS up from my DP house.'

Because sauce for the goose may not not be sauce for the gander, OP. He may feel he can do whatever he wants but you can't.

'This is just a long line of crap and controlling behaviour from him I have had to deal. Why is it not too much for him to pick him up from DP house??? Why shouldn't he rise above whatever issues he has with it?? Why can't he put DS first for once??
This is more about him trying to get out of having DS yet again and using this as an excuse. '
No, it has nothing to do with DS. It is about him using DS (because he is handy) as a way of putting you down, annoying you, disrupting your life, and controlling you.

You really, really need to rethink the visitation arrangement. This will not stop. He will drive you nuts. You will have no life as long as he has this foot in your door via visitation. He does not care about the DS. You are dealing with a complete jerk.

Don't bother getting all tied up in arguments about who is being controlling here. You are not that person. Get a solicitor and terminate the visitation. If the exH fights this, bring up your list of all the times he refused to participate (I hope you have one) and any texts or emails he has sent you (hope you have kept them) telling you he is not coming, etc. Either that or you will need a court order forcing him to do his allotted weekends and you will need to be prepared to go back to the court to get it enforced. Is this what you want your life and your DS's life to be? Much simpler to cut your (and your DS's) losses and move on.

mathanxiety · 07/06/2012 17:34

OP, you need to buy and read 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. Also 'The Batterer as Parent' and 'When Dad Hurts Mom' by the same author; they may be useful to you even if you haven't experienced violence at his hands.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Huansagain · 07/06/2012 17:52

Mathanxiety

Are you advising the OP to stop all contact?

Original poster
Happylander · 07/06/2012 18:04

I don't want to stop contact. I want him to see him however, I do not want my life controlled by him.

There is a court order although a waste of time as he uses excuses to not see him. However, I could not and would not prevent contact but I do need to live my life and yes he is bullying me but I don't feel I have the right to say 'no you can't see him' He can see him but he will need to pick him up from DP house when we are there as he has no real argument not to IMO.

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dangerousliaison · 07/06/2012 18:05

I have had similar in the past, I no longer ask exp to have dd when i want but attempt to stick to routine which he has recently veared off. I would just go home to meet him and allow myself to rise above. i did this and it made things alot easier for myself included. you shouldnt have to granted but allowing him to creat stress for you ds and dp is just not worth it.

RandomMess · 07/06/2012 18:11

Your ex is using the fact that you want your ds to have a relationship with him as a stick to beat you with?

Why are you so determined that your ds spend time with a man who isn't interested in him?

Original poster
Happylander · 07/06/2012 18:17

because I just can't believe he would not want to spend time with him

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