Should i let dd send her dad a fathers day card?

[Emmielu]

Last time he saw her she was 2 weeks old. (Shes now 5) Shes never really mentioned him until recently & i have told him that she has been asking about him. Although we get on well, hes not sent her birthday cards etc & he does plan on starting to build a relationship with dd end of this month when dd & i have moved. Its a bit difficult to start a relationship with him & dd right now because i live with my parents & they hate him. It wouldnt be fair on dd & it wouldnt be the right way to start such a big thing. So i figured when dd & i have moved it'll be easier.

Anyway, whenever dd hears or sees the moonpig advert or any other advert that mentions fathers day she asks "can i send my dad a fathers day card?" or "can i make him one to send?" I dont know what to say. I dont have an address for him but i could easily ask for one but i dont know if its a good idea to. I dont see a problem with it but then again i dont know if it is.

Emmielu - I'm a bit confused.

Why hasn't your ex seen his daughter in 5 years or even sent her a card?

It sounds heartbreaking that she has a dad that you have contact with but she doesn't.
Of course let her make a card but if this man has no real intention of being part of her life, it would be kinder to sort it out now rather than getting her hopes up.

I remember another post from you emmielu, I think it would be a good idea to introduce that her dad is around, maybe she could buy and write one and give it to him when she sees him rather than sending it. If I am totaly honest I dont see why a 5 year old should make such an grand guesture and big effort if the chances are it may not be reciprocated and she will after all not be seeing her dad at the end of the month.

On the other hand it maybe be usefull if ex writes to her and sends her a few cards through the post or via you as a way to build up contact, then the fathers day card may not be so missed placed.But i think he should make that intial contact before she sends the card.

I would just be afraid that he is putting off contact, i understand your situation is unsettled at your parents, however it has been a while since your original thread Im shocked no contact of any sorts has yet been made.

I dont think you can just sring an estranged father on a 5 year old over night and expect all to be just fine.

dangerous - thats what im worried about. How on earth do you start a relationship with a child you've not seen for years? Is there any right way to go about it? No contact has been made since my last post because all moving plans were pushed back by a month. :(

The question is not 'how do you' but 'why would you want to?' IMHO. I cannot imagine a person with any decent bone in their body would choose to not see their child for 5 years. I'm not sure what's going on in your head, OP, but I implore you not to allow this waste of oxygen near your child.

well unless any contact is intiated by him then I would not encourage dd to send a card. It is his and your responsibility to make such arrangements etc and it seems like things are stalling therfore i feel it would be detremantal as it seems that (sorry if this is out of term) neither of you have made much effort to go forward with contact.

I don't have any experience in this area op, so you should probably take that into account....

However I don't see how it would hurt for your DD to send her dad a card, unless she will get upset at the possibility of not receiving any response. It sounds like she is keen to send one if she keeps mentioning it - obviously she doesn't see all the obstacles that an adult does. She probably just thinks 'I have a daddy, it is father's day, I should send him a card'.

He might receive it and get an emotional kick up the arse, you never know....

Sorry, don't get why dd shouldn't send a card if she wants to.
I realise the obvious risk is her getting hurt and feeling let down by a dud response from him so you prepare her to expect not much. (e.g. Yes of course you can make him a card, but remember he isn't someone who sends cards himself.)

If you let her she has the chance to join in with school friends etc and have someone to send a card to. She opens the doors to him to allow a response if he has it in him. If he is not big enough to respond it will be his fault.

If you don't let her you will be held to account in the future ('you didn't let me contact my dad, you kept me from him, it's your fault we have no contact etc') etc

HR - That is how shes thinking. She doesnt expect a reply or anything. She has never asked if her dad has sent her a birthday card etc. I've tried for 5 years to get this sorted but it keeps falling back & i do nothing to stop that. I've been at a park i havent been in before with DD waiting for him & hes not turned up. I stopped doing things like that when she was just turned 2. He never bothered to turn up but he seems to be more interested now more than ever. Its him asking me about her, how is she doing at school etc. He even said he couldnt wait for the job center to sort his money out so he could start paying towards DD eventhough it'll only be £5 a week. He needs something to kick him into shape. I just wish i could see into the future a little to see if its really worth it or not.

if you prevent her, won't she think it's all your fault?

Slam - thats the other thing. I dont want her to feel like she cant send him a card because i havent got a good enough reason to decline her sending one.

I really wouldn't encourage any contact unless your ex initiates it. All you are doing is setting her up for disappointment. If he is really interested he would have made an effort by now. Ds has no contact with his father and keeps asking to make contact. I've said no. Absolutely the right decision as ex wants no contact and would only reject ds if he tried.

I think there is a big difference between a 5 year old wanting contact and say a teenager. It is impossible to explain to a 5 year old why her father doesn't want to see her.

Maybe this kind of contact would be a good way of easing into things and beginning to build a relationship. She could send him a picture, he could send her a thank you card back. Maybe speak to ex about it too and see what he thinks.

I'd be worried it didn't work out but all you can do is be there for her, let it be on her terms, and hold your head up high knowing you have always done your best by her.

Why do you need to see into the future? Surely the past and present tell you all you need to know about this fuckwit.
And frankly, I judge you also, for being on what sounds like casual chatting terms with a man who has abandoned your child.
Get a grip!

If he's expressing more of an interest in her and she wants to send him a card, then I think that maybe you should just let her do it. Granted it may turn out to be a waste of time and he may continue being a crap dad, but at least you'll have given her a chance to get to know him.

Trying and failing would at least be a positive mistake rather than 'we never tried so I'll never know' IYSWIM. And this way no-one can blame you later for standing in the way....

I have been in this situation with my dd, when she asked to phone her dad send him cards etc, in the past when her father was out of the picture. HE made that choice NOT HER and simply I explained to my dd, It is up to your father to make contact he is your parent it is his job not yours to make contact, he knows where we are if and when he is ready to call you talk to him, but it is important that you do not feel responsible for maintaining a relationship. end off.

I do also find it difficult to comprehend why you have so much contact with him yet no effort has been made to make contact with your dd. I would be telling this man, it is not me you need to be talking with but your dd. Tell him you dont want hear from him again unless it is to make some firm plans or arangement for your dd.

The child is 5 for goodness sake it is not as if she is a teenager for goodness sake, she sends a card so what happens when she says can you take me to see my daddy you know where he lives because we sent a card. then you say no, right? but to her she does not understand why not. I think it is important to send a consistant message that her dad is the responsible adult and at 5 it is not her job to initaite contact. as where do you draw the line and say no actually we cant do that to seek out your father.

It doesn't sound like the op's daughter feels any responsibility to send her dad a card though, dangerousliason - simply that she would like to. I doubt the little girl has put any more thought into it than that.

I would not undermind how this could affect her or what she wants to be the otcome or expectations of this. I have experience of this and the expectation my dd had at 2 and 3 that if she phoned her daddy or if I wrote a letter then he will come and see her and all will be lovely, that is something that I did not want to perpetuate to her. In my opinion it is about values, if the man has no value of his parenting role or any real intention of seeing his daughter then the child is better off knowing from an early age the responsibilty is not hers it is his, she may not feel any responsibilty as such to name it yet, but if she sends a fathers day card every year unfruitfully then she will develop a responsibilty to that.

I would just not do it untill I was sure it was something that was not going to end in years of rejection.

But you can never be sure of that, dangerousliason - in ANY relationship!! I know that as the mum it's your role to protect your DD, but I don't see how you can possibly guarantee that all her relationships will end well. It's a risky business, unfortunately.

op it does sound (to me, anyway) like your ex might be trying to change the way things are. He may follow through or he may not - depends on whether you feel like giving him the chance. Should it be a case of 'You were crap before and so you will never have another chance?'

I disagree HRH. Im not saying he should not be given a chance and that he is crap and therefor will remain crap. Im saying at this age it should be kept simple, obviously in the future or at a different age a different approach would be considered.

The OP will obviously do as she sees fit but I just wanted to post from my experience and I dont see the need for you to have a constant come back to me. I have gave my opinion and experience and I feel it is being put down by you, you will not change my opinion or experience im afraid.

I didn't mean to upset you or put your position down in any way dangerousliason, so I'm sorry for any offence caused. I thought I was just continuing the discussion. Obviously it is up to the OP how she goes forward.

I think it looks like I'm constantly 'coming back' at you because you and I are the only ones posting at the moment!!

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

Ok fair enough. I think its also important to remember it just not him that is placing obsticles in the way, I think that Op wanting to wait untill they have moved and the fact your parents dont like him being a factor in what is preventing contcat should also be considered Op, and all of these factors In my opinion should be ironed out beore introducing dd or allowing her to send the card as it seems none of the adults in this situation are sure of what to do.

Emmie my Dh found out he had a daughter when she was 10 years old. The Mother had moved abroad after a fling and not told him. He has managed to build a reationship with his DD despite iving in another country and despite feeling very angry about the fact that her Mother had essentially robbed him of any chance of her early years.

He skypes with her, sends emails and cards and presents...writes letters and has been to meet her once...it's expensive though. He pays monthly child support and has let them know they can come and stay with us at any time.

The child knows that her Mum kept her a secret from my DH (because she was engaged at the time and passed the DD off as her fiancee's) but now has admitted what she did.

Children are very open.

dangerous - Letting him come to my parents house wouldnt help things because he wont come here. It'll cause arguments between me & my parents & THAT is NOT fit for around a child whatsoever. I want this done between the people that matter. DD, ex and me. No one else needs to be there or be involved. That includes his soon to be wife. He wants to start a relationship with her, she wants to start getting to know him. The poor girl asks me everything about him. What does he look like? Am i like him? What music does he like?

I dont want to tell DD that its he has to make the move & not her. Its not fair that she has to be told a basic "no" when its as difficult for her as what it is him. Its nerve racking. We were both young & stupid when i fell pg & trying to make up for it now is hard. Im giving him the benefit of the doubt because for the first time in 5 years he wants to know. I just dont know how to go about it. But do think now that sending a card regardless of whether its fathers day or not or a letter would be a way to break it in.

I would not do it at you're parents house either to be honest, I would very much keep it away from there. what about meeting at a park or somewhere? I just think it seems odd and unfair that you are in contact with him and dd is not if Im honest. I just think you need to get on with letting them meet each other.