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Lone parents

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Original poster

Anyone around with a shoulder?

28 replies

zonedout · 03/06/2012 19:11

So exh moved out in March. All perfectly amicable and we agreed that, for now, we would share weekends but that our two ds's (aged 6 & 3) wouldn't stay at his until they were both ready which ds2 had not been. Ex had also been coming to ours for bath time once or twice a week etc. Today he had them and I went up to his flat at around 4pm to bring them home with me as usual. However they both told me they had decided they wanted to stay the night tonight. Of course, it was what they wanted and I agreed. Now I am home alone (aside from my lovely and very ancient dog who seems unwell tonight) feeling somewhat bereft and very very sad and lonely. Aside from rather plentiful hospital visits with ds2 (and a night in hospital for tonsillectomy with ds1) I have never spent the night apart from my boys and had wanted it to be planned in advance so that I could see a friend (I rarely get to go out at night due to cost of babysitters etc) Of course it was too last minute to make any arrangements and my couple of closest friends are both away so no one to even cry to on the phone as I don't want to disturb them Sad

Just wanted to get that out and perhaps hear that it might get easier one day Sad

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PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 03/06/2012 19:13

No advice but I can imagine how difficult that must be x

Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 19:20

Thank you.

Whilst I am happy for my boys I am sad for me, in a very selfish way of course.

When I talked about being apart from them during hospital visits I meant that I have always stayed with whichever ds has been in hospital, thus being apart from the healthy one at home. Ds2 is asthmatic. Have spent a lot of time in hospital with him, including one particularly grim Christmas week during which we nearly lost him.

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sillymillyb · 03/06/2012 19:22

Oh zone out I'm sorry your feeling a bit bereft, why not nip to the shops ans grab a face mask, some rubbish food and some wine and pamper yourself? I know its not a night out with friends but it might distract you? Thinking of you x

liveinazoo · 03/06/2012 19:25

its horrible being stuck in sometimes when they akip nd the world seems to be off doing something excitig but beng home alone and theyre elsewhere is a whole other world i try to avoid at all costs

does make me realise how much i love the little buggers though

pat yourself onthe back for allowing them to stay.whenthey are older they will be grateful you were able to do such a selfless thing when your heart was telling you to scoop them both up and head for home in a storm sharp words with xh.x

liveinazoo · 03/06/2012 19:27
LineRunner · 03/06/2012 19:30

I remember the first time I was alone, the first time that the ExH had the DCs overnight. They were little, too. It was very lonesome.

Watch The Apprentice with me (or MumsNet!) or something fun. You're not alone. And they'll be home soon. Smile

Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 19:30

Thank you silly. I have done just that (without the face mask!) Stopped off for supplies on my home, tears streaming down my face. Think they thought I was a bit of a loon in the shop Grin

Am in the middle of making myself a very spicy chickpea curry (my favourite food but the ds's wouldn't eat) with a huge glass of red on the go!

Thank you for your thoughts.

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Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 19:36

Sorry liveinazoo and Linerunner, didn't mean to ignore you. Just a slow poster, only just seen yours now. Thank you both. You are all really helping.

Liveinazoo, have I've chocolate at the ready for after the curry. Tis true, just a day at their dads makes me adore and appreciate them that bit more.

Linerunner, I see the rather pleasant to look at (in my admittedly questionable opinion) Gary Barlow is on before The Apprentice. I shall be watching both with great interest Grin

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Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 19:39

Blush please excuse all the typos and appalling grammar. Not been checking and think that huge glass of red is beginning to take effect Hmm

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WannaBeMegMarch · 03/06/2012 19:48

zoned couldnt pass without commenting...I know exactly how that feels and you are a marvellous mum for leaving them without any guilt on their part. You are giving them an enormous gift.
Its horrendous being without them. Indulge yourself as much as you want. I find MN a great distraction at these times. Grin

AnotherLoad · 03/06/2012 19:51

it does get easier, when my DS's first started to visit their dad, i didnt know what to do with myself. all the times id wished for a break from the DS's noise and i found myself....missing the noise!

I used to just go out for the sake of not sitting in silence (visited friends with noisy kids!) then after a while actually found it quite nice just to sit in and chill. no worries about what the Ds's are getting up to, didnt have to do lunch or dinner until i felt hungry....

i now look forward to my fortnightly break from them :)
same as another poster said - it did make me realise just how much i love & apreciate them .

i think its new to you and your just feeling a little lost with what to do with yourself. if the DC's come home saying they want to make a regular thing of staying over dads, then at least you can plan a night out with friends (when they are back)

put a film on and relax Brew

FashionEaster · 03/06/2012 19:55

Offers comforting hug.

Bawled my eyes once the door shut behind the dcs when they first went out for the day with my ExH, magnified by the fact he was being a total arse and nagging about the dcs meeting the OW.

It does get easier and in fact often look forward to that time to do the stuff I don't get a chance to when the dcs are here - meal out with friends next Fri for instance. You feel recharged and more appreciative of the times you do have with them.

Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 20:56

Thank you for all shoulders, hugs and words of wisdom. You all speak perfect sense. The wine isn't doing its job right now, in fact it's having quite the opposite effect to the drowning out I'd hoped for. Just heard from ex that ds2 is hysterical Sad

They are just so little and it all feels like such a long road ahead right now.

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MavisGrind · 03/06/2012 21:06

You poor thing. I remember being in this position (am 3 years on now).

I spent the first year of my dcs visits to their dad moping around, waiting for them to come home. However, I did make the decision to start doing something with the time I had to myself.

It will get easier, I promise. They are little but they are with a parent that they love even if you know he's a twat. They will be ok. You will be ok. Shame there is only shite on telly! Smile

BodyUnknown · 03/06/2012 21:15

Hi zonedout. Sorry to hear you're feeling low... I know the feeling well, my DD is almost two and goes to her dad's every other weekend. He lives over an hour from me, and when she's gone I feel so lost, I miss her cheerful noisiness and her happy chatter as I go through the day, and come 7pm I feel hopelessly bereft. I tend to spring clean the house when she's away and keep as busy as I can, and come evening I buy myself a no-cook meal (well, usually pizza express takeaway...) and watch a full-length film as there is never enough time for that kind of thing when she is here. It's just a way of taking my mind off her missing presence.

It isn't helpful though, to hear that your child is hysterical away from you. I would suggest, as tactfully as I can from having been on the phone to ex-P when DD has been bawling in the background, that you suggest he calls you once the DC are settled, whatever time that may be, and that you explain to him that it is upsetting to hear that they have been hysterical without you when they are still away. My ex-P now gives me a full update on his weekend once DD is back with me, that way I know exactly what she's been going through (or not, as the case may be, as sometimes she is very well settled) but am not faced with the agony of feeling that my baby is crying for me so far away and there's nothing I can do about it.

Much love to you OP. It is really, really hard but it does eventually start to get easier... xx

Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 21:16

Thanks Mavis Smile

May I ask what you do with your time these days

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Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 21:21

Than, you BodyUnknown. You are obviously very wise. I just miss their whole presence, if that makes sense.

You are right, it is nothing but torture to hear that he is so upset with nothing I can do. I have just heard that they are both now asleep, thank goodness. Very good idea too to get the full lowdown once they are home. Thank you x

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WannaBeMegMarch · 03/06/2012 21:27

Oh I'm sorry that he rang you with that news...you would have been better off not knowing til it was over. At least they are over it.
Another one who springs cleans, paints rooms, drags poor dog for marathon walks when they are away....anything to fill the time.

MavisGrind · 03/06/2012 21:28

Well, I retrained as a teacher after the split and have moved and bought a renovation project so I spend much of my time stripping woodchip wallpaper!

I'm trying to get better at doing stuff that I can't do with the dcs - mine are the same ages as yours (and as I say I've been single for 3 years, not great timing on XH part) whether that be go to a gallery/museum, go for a long walk up a steep hill, a good old look around the shops with coffee or lunch with a book thrown in or, at the very least, out to a supermarket after 7.30pm!

Really I need to get some hobbies going - the building project isn't going to last forever, however whatever I do, although I miss the boys terribly when they're away I now realise that I have to take advantage of this time away from them, lone parenting is hard enough - you/I deserve a break and it doesn't make you a bad parent!

Original poster
zonedout · 03/06/2012 22:01

Oh wow, you're a bit inspirational Mavis. Amazing, good for you.

I know it's only early days for me but I'm a little bit worried about actually mobilising into doing something eventually. The first sunday that ex had the boys for the day, i took myself to the cinema to see a film i really wanted to see. I patted myself on the back for taking initiative and using my time. Aside from one yoga class and some dog walks i have done nothing on my free days since. I find it so hard to get out of my miserable zone and not mope about. Still, early days I guess Hmm

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MavisGrind · 03/06/2012 22:34

Give yourself some time (and other somesuch cliches!). I think that once you've had children you can't quite remember what you did before them - for example before children what exactly did you do between the hours between 5 & 7? too early for tea, just back from work but what exactly???

It's about finding those things that you cant easily be with your dcs that you can reclaim when you're on your own. That said, I still make sure my boys bedroom curtains are drawn when they're not here and it still feels odd to go into their room in the evening when they're not there Sad

It's just a different path - there are a lot of us on it, I hope to keep on getting better at it!

(very envious you have a dog!)

Original poster
zonedout · 04/06/2012 07:44

Morning! Well, I survived the night. My eyes are red and puffy from all the sobbing Blush and I still woke up at the crack of dawn (the ds's are early risers!) but I survived!!! And I'm secretly quite enjoying lazing around in bed rather than jumping into the shower and rushing to get breakfast sorted...

I have absolutely no recollection of what I used to do between 5 & 7... Actually I worked odd hours so probably worked or did a yoga class or some such... I like the idea of going to a supermarket after 7.30pm, just because you can!

It is lovely having a dog and good company when the boys aren't here. However, as lovely as mine is she is really very elderly, somewhat stinky and no longer in possession of all her marbles... In all seriousness though, I dread the day she pops her clogs. I will, of course, miss her terribly but I really worry about the boys, especially ds1, who was beside himself when she had to stay at the vets for two nights a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, I'll shush now. Happy Bank Holiday Monday to all.

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ChildofIsis · 04/06/2012 07:57

I was in the same situation when ex left last year. I sobbed and thought I couldn't cope without DD.

Since when I've redecorated the house and am having a 'thank god he left' party today to celebrate my lovely house.

DD is with her dad fri pm/saturday each week so I get loads of time to visit my mates or go out for the day.

I'm going on a date next saturday!

There is life after a split but don't pressure yourself to do too much too soon. You'll need some time to just let it all settle and get into a pattern that is predictable so you can book time with other people.

MavisGrind · 04/06/2012 08:07

Glad you're feeling more positive this morning - enjoy your lie in!

BodyUnknown · 04/06/2012 20:07

Hey, just checking in to see how you're doing. Are your children home now? Enjoy the rest of the bank holiday and look after yourself x

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