Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

so bloody predictable!

36 replies

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 19:44

ds1 asked today at 4pm if he could see his dad. i texted his dad asking if he could have the dcs tonight (he is off work the whole month of may so no work commitments tomorrow or anything). i just knew he wouldn't reply til he knew they would be in bed so he didn't have to have them but i texted all the same. and surprise surprise he texted at 7.33pm (he knows they go to bed at 7pm) saying he had just got my text. this is bullshit. he has his phone in his pocket at all times, even when he goes to teh gym he keeps it in his shorts. he makes me so angry. they are an inconvenience to him except when he wants to play the doting dad. ds has gone to bed really upset that his dad hasn't gotten back to my message. Grrrrrr!!!

i'm just venting. i dont need replies. just so angry.

OP posts:

neverontime · 30/05/2012 19:51

I completely sympathise, my Dcs dad is exactly the same

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 20:00

what is wrong with these people? why dont they want to see their children? i couldn't cope if i wasn't able to tuck them in at night and see their sleeping faces before i went to bed. why doesn't he want to do that? there is something wrong with him. some vital emotion missing in his genetic make up. and it's not because his mummy didn't love him, 'cause she thinks he's the fucking dogs' bollocks.

OP posts:

neverontime · 30/05/2012 20:04

I think my ex is just too bloody selfish to give a shit about anything other than what he wants.
No idea why, thats just the way he's made. But he is an alcoholic, so i suppose i shouldnt really expect more.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2012 20:07

To be fair, if my ExH texted me to ask if I could have DD overnight at short notice (she splits her time 50:50), I may not be able to drop everything, either

Why isn't there a regular contact arrangement in place? That way, he knows in advance when he can see the DCs (and yes, I realise he could still be a loser, and not turn up, but at least you've tried).

neverontime · 30/05/2012 20:09

My ex and i have a formal arrangement, put in place through the courts, and he STILL doesnt always stick to it.

neverontime · 30/05/2012 20:10

NotaDisneyMum - But i'll bet you would text your ex back straight away to say you werent able to have your DD that night.

susiedaisy · 30/05/2012 20:12

Vent away, it's so disappointing for the kids isn't it

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 20:24

it's complicated by his job and his unwillingless to let me know when he will be in the country. he is forces and doesn't have what you would call regular and predictable leave so we cant arrange formal contact. he says he never knows when he's going to be home (on leave) til shortly before but tbh, he still doesn't let me know anyway. he just turns up. i have put forward proposed arrangements for contact for when he is home. all of which have been ignored,. he doesn't understand why i would need to know what time or dates he might want to see his children my next step is a solicitor but tbh i dont think it will make a blind bit of difference. he'll just do as he pleases and sod the kids. i texted tonight because my son knows his dad lives less than a 10 minute drive away and he wanted to see them, i'm not going to deny him that. i would hate for EXP to tell ds he couldn't see me just because it wasn't within and agreed contact period if that is what ds wanted.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2012 20:26

never probably not - but that's a whole other story!

I appreciate you're venting OP, but it doesn't hurt DCs to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them.
If your DS announced to you at 4pm one day that he wanted you to take him visit a family member (grandparents, aunt etc) would you drop everything to give him what he wanted, no matter how inconvenient? I hope not!

I don't pretend to understand parents who don't ever make time for their children - but not being available at a moments motive is not necessarily the sign of a crap Dad (or Mum, in my case).

NotaDisneyMum · 30/05/2012 20:27

*notice, not motive!

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 20:28

and yes notadisney. i have no problem with him not being able to take the dcs tonight. i do have a prblem with him ignoring my message and leaving my dcs without an answer either way until they are forced to accept he isn't coming and go to bed. that is my issue with this behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 20:31

no, his grandparents are not his dad! you only have two people in this world who are entirely responsible for you. 2 people that are your mum and your dad. it isn't the same at all as wanting to see favourite cousin or aunty jan or granny dora. not the same thing at all.

and actually if we had nothing planned tonight and ds asked to see granny i would ringher to see if that suited. she would tell me whether it did or it didn't and we would know then what we were doing for the evening. she would leave us without an answer until after she knew it was too late for us to come. and before anyone asky why i dont ring him. he doesn't answer my calls.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 20:35

she wouldn't leave us without an answer.

and i think the fact that i was able to tell exactly when EXP would deign to honour me with a reply tells you that i have been through this many times with him. this isn't a one off of him being stuck in a meeting and not being able to get to his messages. this is him, all over predictable as ever. he chooses when he wants to be a parent andif he doesn't feel like being daddy tonight then he'll just ignore any requests for him to be one.

OP posts:

neverontime · 30/05/2012 20:57

It must be really hard for you and your DS. I worry my DCs will end up having self esteem issues with knowing their dad cant be bothered to see them or would prefer to have a drink with his mates or watch footy instead of spending time with them.

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 22:50

for me it is frustrating. i cant make him come and see them. but for ds it is gutting. he gets so upset when he sees the hours tick by and dad still hasn't arrived. it's awful, he sobs his heart out when he realises he isn't coming.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 31/05/2012 07:32

I think that's the problem. NRP do seem to end up more like grandparents/aunts/uncles than parents. I know full well that my ex would be very different towards the children if we were still together.

Happylander · 31/05/2012 08:40

I think he is talking crap about his leave. Contact the welfare officer. My ex always uses the Army as an excuse but I tell him unless he can prove it he still has DS or it goes down in the book as him yet again failing to turn up. He has never been able to prove any of crap he comes out with and funnily enough the reasons change as he can't keep up with his lies.

Mine is not having any of June despite nothing to do with me stopping him despite him taking me to court he just has better things to do but blames the Army. All a load of lies as I still know a few people that can tell me he is talking out of selfish backside.

I hate the fact that DS gets upset and that he will grow up knowing his dad is selfish and can't be bothered to see him. I grew up like that and it did affect my self-esteem so I really don't want it for DS but I can't make his dad turn up. I can really understand your frustration.

CailinDana · 31/05/2012 08:52

What gets me is that if a woman did this she would be considered the devil incarnate. But even here, on mumsnet, some posters are making excuses for this "father", saying the child was asking something inconvenient by wanting to see his own dad! It seems as if society believes that men looking after their own children is a choice rather than a duty, and that if they do choose to do so, they are great, whereas a woman is just expected to do all the caring and they are not allowed to opt out at all, under any circumstances.

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 31/05/2012 09:34

absoloutely 100% agree cailin. that is exactly how i feel about this situation. i feel as if my ex picks our dcs up like a magazine when he finds himself with a spare few hours. i am in no doubt that him and his family consider him a great parent because he pays the csa recommended amount and he tickles them so the are forced to laugh when he has them . truly and honestly i can see no other reason for his behaviour other than laziness. laziness in not wanting to bother himself with organizing his day a few days i advance so he knows whe exactly he will be able to see the dcs. instead of just waking up at 2.15 on a saturday afternoon and realising his partner is at work and he has nothing to fill the next few hours. he is entirely capable of sitting down with a diary, deciding what days he would like to see the dcs and arranging it with me before putting it in the diary for everything else to be arranged arround. he has been home the entire month of may and he knew this from the end of march yet despite me asking 4 times now for definite dates and times he continues to text with vague times and still failing to turn up.

if my parents thought i wasn't seeing my children for 10 days at a time when they lived 10 minutes away and i wasn't working they would seriously worry about my mental health.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 31/05/2012 09:42

This is why, even though I am a feminist, I can't quite believe it when people claim that there is no difference between men and women. I mean, the vast majority of mothers, I believe, just could not be parted from their children for weeks on end. It's a visceral thing, not really connected to society's pressure on them, I think, it's just an overwhelming desire that overrides everything else. Yet, as far as I can tell, there seems to be thousands of men who hardly see their children at all. What makes them have no desire to see their children? I can't really understand it.

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 31/05/2012 09:49

me either cailin. i just couldn't imagine myself in a place where i could maintain a happy life without my children being right there with me. it would destroy me if i couldn't see them and be part of their lives.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 31/05/2012 10:21

but you can't have it both ways, surely?

You can't expect a Dad to be an equal part of the their DC's lives and fully commit to parenting them, but at the same time, claim that you cannot be parted from your DC's for long for "biological reasons" - the reality is that if parents do not live together, then either the DC's spend time apart from each parent (the visceral needs of that parent not-withstanding), or one parent has a less hands-on role.

I do understand that some parents (not just fathers) walk away from their responsibility, let their DC's down and show little interest in their DC's lives. BUT, just because a parent doesn't have daily contact with their child doesn't make them bad parents

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 31/05/2012 10:28

have you read my post nota where did i say i wouldn't allow them to have contact with him because of biological reasons (that's what you're basically saying)

i have said it would destroy me if i couldn't see them and be part of their lives, i've said my parents would worry about my MH if i was ignoring them for 10 days at a time whilst living ten minutes away and having no work obligations.

and yes i do expect their father to be an equal part of their lives and fully commit to parenting them. sadly he will never be that parent that they need. i think every parent should be as fully commited as possible to any children they create.

and i would like you to quote where i said that parents who dont have daily contact with their dcs are bad parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 31/05/2012 10:35

look here's the gist of it nota

their father lives 10 minutes away from them. he has been there for the entire month of may with no work to go to. he knows their bedtimes and their school times, he knows both my mobile and my landline number, he knows our address. he ignores any requests from my dcs to see him and when he takes it on himself to see them he refuses to give a time for pick up or drop off and sometimes he fails to turn up. he has seen them on 5 occasions this whole month. you can tell me til you are blue in the face that thsi guy is busting a gut to be with his kids if that satisfies whatever agenda you have WRT this but it wont make it true. this man is a lazy fucker when it comes to seeing his children. he picks them up like a hobby then forgets about them until he finds himself with nothing to do in a week or 10 days time. he can probably justify it to himself just as you are trying to do but it doesn't wash with me. there is no reason he couldn't have sat down at the start of teh month and organised the whole month of contact.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAmBooybilee · 31/05/2012 10:36

i have to go to an appointment. i'll be backlater.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2