so bloody predictable!

[IAmBooybilee]

ds1 asked today at 4pm if he could see his dad. i texted his dad asking if he could have the dcs tonight (he is off work the whole month of may so no work commitments tomorrow or anything). i just knew he wouldn't reply til he knew they would be in bed so he didn't have to have them but i texted all the same. and surprise surprise he texted at 7.33pm (he knows they go to bed at 7pm) saying he had just got my text. this is bullshit. he has his phone in his pocket at all times, even when he goes to teh gym he keeps it in his shorts. he makes me so angry. they are an inconvenience to him except when he wants to play the doting dad. ds has gone to bed really upset that his dad hasn't gotten back to my message. Grrrrrr!!!

i'm just venting. i dont need replies. just so angry.

there is no reason he couldn't have sat down at the start of teh month and organised the whole month of contact

I agree. Why didn't this happen -with the assistance of mediators if necessary?

NotaDisneyMum, I think you've misunderstood what we've been saying. IAm was saying that her DC's father hardly sees them at all. She's not saying she can't be parted with her children, or that their father should see them every day. What she's saying is that even though he's off work for a month he's made little or no effort to see his children, and as mothers who couldn't possibly bear that little contact with our children we find his laziness hard to understand.

Perhaps I have. I have fought long and hard to stop my exH from expecting me to be available at his beck and call when DD is in his care - and I do ignore texts from himwhile DD is with him that I consider to be unreasonable or demanding - so maybe I am over sensitive when I see a parent criticised for the same thing.

I understand that some Dads (and Mums) are crap - but the fact that the OP's ex is not working, and therefore in her opinion should respond to her text immediately - is not, on it's own - conclusive evidence of that.

True, but IAm then elaborated and it's clear the her ex deliberately doesn't respond to texts in order to not have to see his children. I'm sure that's totally no the case with you. I might have it wrong but it sounds to me that in your situation your ex texts you unnecessarily as sort of a power game?

I agree, the OP didn't make clear that this is just another incident in a catalogue of failures on Dads part; and that solicitors, mediation etc have made no difference to his commitment to his DC's

Speaking as a father who has been both NRP and now RP I can assure you that it isn't a gender thing. My children do not even get a birthday card now from their mother now.

i agree that textign on the day and saying "can you come see me this evening" is not a good approach - unles he lived literally next door. or this was some rouine you ahd going on wher the answer would usually be yep sure i am on my way.
you setting ds up to "fail" here.

sadly you going to have to find a way to support DS with the fact that his dad is not going to be there for him when he wantss and will only drop in at his convenience.

you cannot make his dad think or behave differently - only his dad can chose to act differently.

so you tell DS - i will text dad but he might be busy ok?

i know you feel sad and want to see him and it is ok to feel sad about it. but if you dont see him oday you will see him another day.

really; until or unless dad steps up you have to find way to make ds' life ok without dad in it. accept that is way dad is.

if he around for a month- offer set times/days ds could be free to see him.
if he doesnt take them up - well that is life.

also maybe yes x purposefully ignores your texts - i do with exp because after a stream of texts telling me i am this that or the other i am not keen to open the next one - even tho it might be one saying something sensible o with a genuine specific request .so i might ignore for several hours. i dont know what kind of texts you send him wheether just facual or if you saying to him what you saying on here in terms of how you feel about him? are you able to keep all emotion out of your texts? have you ever told him what you think of him by text?

whole lot depends on how communication is generally -and from what you say it isnt good?

i typed a big long response and i got logged out before i got to post it.

but basically there is no emotionall or bitchy texting. the content of my texts has been well documented on my other threads in LP topic. i respond to his requests to see the dc with a "yes they are here, what time will you be coming for them?" he doesn't respond or if he does he gives a vague time like "i'll be in in about an hour" or "i'll be in about half 2" but never turns up at that time he will turn up a hour later or not bother at all. i dont text him unless he has texted me or unless ds1 has asked me to text him and i dont ring him because he ignores my calls.

i totally understand that there are rps who make things awkward and are spitefull but believe me i bend over backwards to make sure my dcs see him as often as possible. i have had to cancel family plans on many occasions because he has just turned up asking to see them and i have also had to cancel things i have planned with my friends because he hasn't turned up to have the dcs.

when he texted at the end of march saying he would be off all of may and that he wanted to have the dcs i asked him to give me dates and times (so i could plan ahead) and he didn't reply. i asked again about 2 weeks ago as he failed to show up again for the dcs and he said "why do you need specifics?".

i cannot make him tell me when he's going to be turning up and even if i could i cant make him turn up when he says he will.

i cant even tell my dcs anymore when they will be seeing dad as i dont know. even when he does text sayig he will come in for them, i cant tell them until he is actually at the door.

you are right. i just need to manage how my children deal with it and make it as un upsetting as possible.

if only you knew him nota you would know exactly what i mean.

very frustrating...

"why do you need specifics?".

say "I dont but the children do. they need to know which days you coming beause they look forward to it"

but in meantime just arrange other babysitting and not rely on him - i is a real pain tho

if only you knew him nota you would know exactly what i mean.

I do get it - I have a very difficult ex, as does my DP - and through trial and error, we have learned to manage the situation so that the DC's are supported.

Have you considered mediation? I appreciate that it may not make a difference, but you never know until you try - and it would certainly give you the opportunity to explain to him how his actions impact on the DC's.

Although I understand that you want structure for your DC's, and some notice and reliability regarding your ex's contact with them - he may not believe that it is important or necessary. He may think that the only reason that you want to know is so that you can keep tabs on him - he may genuinely not realise that his reaction to your request is having a negative impact on the DC's; even if you have told him. It sometimes takes a third party, spelling out what we think is blatantly obvious, in order for things to change.

You can wait in vain for him to reply to your texts, bitch about him when he lets the DC's down or refuses to engage with you in the way you want him to, and hope that on his next leave, he has changed - or you can take control of the situation now and ask him to discuss the situation like adults with an impartial mediator who will allow both of you to have your say and help you come to a compromise that puts the DC's first.

yes, my next step is to see a solicitor. we have used solicitors in the past when ds was a baby, for some reason EXP was more reliable then and turned up most weeks (he had weekly contact) on time.

"He may think that the only reason that you want to know is so that you can keep tabs on him - he may genuinely not realise that his reaction to your request is having a negative impact on the DC's; even if you have told him."

i think you could be spot on with this.

he told me he has given his notice at his job and will be leaving it next july to return home and live here full time (he has just bought a house here). i think i'm going to have to see a solicitor now to get this sorted because knowing him as i do he will expect this same as and when he feels liek it 'arrangement' to jsut continue once he is here full time. whereas for me the only reaosn i have tolerated it is because his job doesn't (according to him) give him regular leave with much notice. when he is here full time it wont be unreasonable to have a fixed contact schedule.