Any other single mothers who have no contact with their child's father/raised their child alone from pregancy feel isolated even from other single mothers?

[LucieMay]

My ds is six years old and was conceived through a fling. Long story short, his father turned out to be a waste of space (to put it mildly) and I had to terminate (the very intermittent) contact when he was 18 months old. I was never with his father and was single throughout my pregnancy and throughout raising him (though I've had a few relationships with other men). I've always felt very disconnected from two parent families, even those with whom I was already friends with, and have always found it hard to make friends with other parents (although I'm quite a sociable person and make friends easily when I meet them through social circumstances/at work, where my DS isn't a factor in our friendship).

Over the last year, I made friends with the mother of one of my ds's classmates. Like me she is a single mother, but like all the other single parents I've ever come across, her ds has contact with his dad, and she was married to him when her ds was born (they separated two years ago). My sister is a single parent but both of her dds were born from relationships and both the dads have contact with their dds. I feel quite alienated even from these sorts of single mothers as I have never even known what it is like to have a child with their father present- living in the same house, making decisions together, sharing child care, it has always just been me and DS.

Even as a baby, I never left my ds alone with his dad (he wasn't fit to care for him) so I never get weekends off or a night off and during the school holidays other kids seem to go off on holidays with their dads and the mums get free time. I can't empathise at all really when some single mums have to work out contact schedules and deal with their xh/xp's new partners etc and I've never had a penny in maintenance from him (he's never had a job so it would have been pointless going down the CSA route).

I know logically of course many other women are in my position but I've just never come across any. It is a special sense of alienation which I probably place upon myself but I can't even empathise with the single mums in the playground who complain about their exes or their divorce or all of those issues. I feel like I'm in my own little bubble with no one who really understands what it's like and I even find myself getting jealous of those single mothers who get weekends/time off and get maintenance, let alone two parent families. I hate feeling that way because me and DS have a good life and I would not change one single thing about having him. I just feel lonely sometimes, despite having good friends and family. I do plan to use the meet up section of MN to see if any other parents locally in my position exist.

Just venting really and wondering how other women in my position cope?

Quotation marks, not brackets

Sorry to hear so many of you in the same boat. Hope that helps LucieMay.
I have been a single mum since being pregnant - and the idiot who left me and just decided to rear his ugly head after 6 years.. believe me - the on your own is the best bet - I hope my ex decides to go back under his stone as it is badly affecting my poor DS.
I tend to try and just be a Mum - and not think to much about what others may have in terms of support and just deal with my situation.
I find many of my female friends in couples end up doing most things themselves anyway and have another person to consider too - the grass isn't always greener.
After so long we have a routine now and that it why I will not have my settled stable, beautiful DS scared by his irractic `father' who has never paid a penny and claimed only 3 months ago he was not the father.
Enjoy your time together, have fun and don't think to much about what anyone else may have - I know it isn't easy x

I was in the same boat. I had help from grandparents on both sides but he didn't show much interest and my DD never spent any time with him, so no set weekends when I didn't have any responsibilities. A tiny amount of maintenance was forthcoming but I never included it in my incomings and saved it up for her instead.

I gave up trying to have a separate life and incorporated DD into everything that I did. Had quite a few relationships with men who were on the whole mindful of our special relationship and organised days out where there was something for her to do. So she met most of them and now at aged 18 says she hasn't been scarred by it .

Every family has it's own unique joys as well as problems and I can understand how you feel. I bet there are many other single mums just around the corner who are in the same position and at least you don't have a difficult ex to deal with. So count your blessing on that one.

Me too, 1 ds, father disengaged when I was 8 months we split up when ds was 1year. Seen him once since then, no financial contributions either.

I get the loneliness, the tiredness, the not connecting but it's also easier, no arguments, no contact problems, no parenting techniques clashes.

It's easier in a sense but very lonely.

I am on my own with my three dd, their father is a total and utter knobjockey he sees my eldest two dd mostly every two weeks, when it fits in with his social life but the youngest who is also his he has seen 8 times in total (she is almost 4) I keep hoping he will fall off the face of the earth.

It is not easy being alone, I am the only single mum in my group of friends but I am lucky that I have a lot of very good friends, and in that group a lot of the husbands/partners work in the UK (ex-pat in France) and we have a great social life.

I dont know what to suggest really, I understand that it can be lonely and hard work, but being in an unhappy relationship or marriage can actually be a lot worse

Hmm well this thread has pulled me up short OP and I understand what you are saying and I am glad you have had replies from those with similar situations

Its funny theres a thread going at the moment where the OP has 50:50 residency and her XH is clearly trying to drip drip drip make it 100% residency and it sounds awful

All of us reside somewhere on this scale and each spot has its drawbacks and its positives. I have been feeling a bit isolated as all my large circle of friends are married, everyone I work with, all my neighbours basically everywhere I turn people are married !

I suppose we just have to take whatever positives there are and expand them in our minds and as above being in an unhappy relationship is worse

I'm in the same position and was also wondering where the others were like us. I split from my 2 year old dd's 'father' when I was just days pregnant and he has never seen her or contributed financially towards her. He lives abroad and has no interest in saving the air fare or applying for the visitor visa, and I don't believe we'd be safe if I returned there for a visit. I don't miss my ex and I'm glad too that I don't have all the issues that surround that, but I do wish for a break sometimes. I have no family nearby either and no babysitters, so it's easy to get exhausted and wish life was different. I don't meet any other single mums like me either, they all have ex partners involved, and most of the women at toddler group etc are married. No real advice, just saying I'm here too and in the same boat. Happy to chat any time xx

Love this thread makes me feel much better to know I am not alone!!!

I'm in the same position too (no contact with dd's father since I was 2 months pregnant,she's now 7.5), although I have some family help so do get the odd night out. I do get jealous of those who have 'weekends off' but I'm also extremely glad I don't have the stress of constant negociation and compromise with an ex-partner.
I'm lucky to have found a really friendly supportive group of Mums in a wide variety of family situations, and all of us can find things to empathise with (and be jealous of!) in others' situations. And I quite enjoy that I can can keep a foot in both camps, and have common ground with my (mostly married) friends with children and my (mostly childless) single friends.
It's actually only on forums like this that I really feel I don't have much in common with other single mums, as they do seem to often be a space for venting about problems with exes and it's not something that I have any experience of (thank goodness!)

I have a six year old daughter. Her father and I went out very briefly (having known each other through work for a long time). He told me he was in the middle of a divorce. I started to suspect that this might not be completely true and I was right. He was never intending to divorce his wife. He said from the outset that he wanted NOTHING to do with my child and if I tried to get money out of him, he would take his life. Similarly, if she comes looking for him when she is older, he will take his life. He gives me some money, but it's a pittance as he is Operations Director of a huge engineering company. I haven't CSAd him because I don't want to hurt his wife and other kids. But it sucks and the most horrible thing was going to ante natal classes when everyone else brought their partner along and everyone felt sorry for me. The midwife asked 'couldn't you bring your mother?' I said 'well, that's a bit more difficult as she's been dead since 1995'. Still, we don't need him and we get lots of love and support from our family. As to what will happen with my girl is older - who knows. She is a wilful child and if she does want to contact him then I don't know how easy it will be to stop her. She did ask about him once but hasn't since.
It gets more disgusting than that because he occasionally sends me really filthy texts and tries to get me to go to sordid hotels with him. I refuse of course and he stops for a bit but it usually starts again if he's been on the ale or had a good day at the races. Lovely man.

I'm in the same boat really, and I know some women who've had a child from a one night stand.

DS' Dad f*cked off when he was 6 months old, the relationship was a nightmare anyway (abuse), he's never paid a penny in maintenance or ever bothered to contact him. (He did have his first meeting with him last year, he was weird but a lovely family, so DS felt very welcome, so that's great).
He lives on another continent actually - thank god!

I never had a w/e off, (so envious of those who did!) but my parents did help out sometimes during half-term when I had to work. Other times I had to make other arrangements, like summer camp for a week - getting up at the crack of dawn to drop him off every day!

I would hate other women complaining about their DH/DP (tho I know I was better off alone than some of them in a relationship) and what really used to get me was those complaining about feeling "like a single mother" cos their husband was on a business trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yea, the best thing is that he's coming up for 21 now and at uni, so I'm sort of FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in the same boat too. Split from ds father after 4 year relationship when ds was almost 2 (he's now 6.5). Ex had sporadic contact for almost a year then just vanished without any word or warning nor apology. Ex's mother also stopped all contact at the same time as she wanted to support his decision to further his career... WTAF? I heard this all through Ex's father (who finally contacted me a year later) after he realised that all the gifts he had been sending to EX to give to his grandson but none were ever forwarded onto ds. I now keep contact with him and sometimes take ds over to see him as he is housebound.

It is hard, there is no break. And I second what Suburbophobe just said about women in relationships complaining about feeling like a single mother when their dp/dh is on a business trip or whatever. Totally pisses me off even though its only words.

Oh to have a weekend or a day/night off sometimes would be bloody blissful.

However. I would not wish to be back in a relationship with him. EVER. Spineless twat. DS and I have a great relationship, he is a very happy, balanced and great company.

And this is a man who is supposedly from very good stock and had a fabulous education. They all have it in them to just walk away and get away with it.

However. God help him if I ever lay eyes on him again. Which is always a possibility seeing as I believe he lives less than 10 minutes away in another village.

You are not alone in your thinking :)

Sorry that turned a bit ranty then!!

Yes I agree it can be very isolating but to be honest it is so much better than when EX was here, we were walking on eggshells, now it is a nice chilled out house-hold and I am unsure if any man could come into this house now but yes I defintily feel isolated, even on here sometimes when I see DH or b/for just small things can trigger it.

I need to make an attempt to get out more, the way some parents look at me at school you would think no-one ever split with their partners and one of the mum even snubbed me quite blatantly after we split, whether it was coicidence or not, it hurt, I almost feel like having a sign on my back saying "yes I am a single parent but I am still ME".

My family are great though.

I miss having someone to discuss things with, regarding the children more for my piece of mind, I have one friend but she is a car journey away,I should make more of an effort to go see her though tbh, I wonder if I cut myself off sometimes.

Oh I love the freedom though, no-one telling me what/where/why to do and do this/that/the other, well than than my parents but they have done this from birth so.....

*other than

Sometimes it is good to get things off your chest though.
Some men are just the pits. And why is it that every man over about 35 is either married, mad or both??????
Oh yes and even people who don't know that my child's father is a married fool think I'm a complete and utter trollope even though I haven't had any kind of relationship for YEARS?????

Nice to read other's experiences :-) If anyone in the north west (ideally Preston/Lancashire area) fancies getting in touch, drop me a pm.

not sure if this makes it worse or better, but i don't even know where DS's dad is.

brief fling, time goes by, then find i'm pregnant and bloke is gone, vanished like a puff of smoke. he wasn't from the UK anyway, so possilby gone back to his home country and I have zilch chance of finding him and nothing to give/tell my son when he's older. that's a conversation i utterly dread.

i don't even know any single parents where i live, but have a few lovely friends with and without children. i hate the weekends - so awfully, awfully lonely. typically i go the whole two days only having spoken to another adult over the phone. my family don't live anywhere near either.

but, my DS is lovely, manic, but lovely and i do fill the week with things to do.

one day i might try and work out dating again, but tbh, i'm very wary for my son's sake.

Hey, can I join in? (passes round wine to go with cake)

On my own 3 years after abusive marriage. ExH did have contact for a while, but had to stop him coming to mine because of the continued abuse.

I've now got a non molestation order in place and he has refused to see DD and DS for nearly a year.

My only family nearby is my mum, who has OCD, so she can't look after the kids. The only break I have from them is when I am at work, and sometimes it gets to me so badly!

I can't afford a babysitter, and the only time I go and socialise, is when I visit friends with the kids. It's nice, but I get so desperate for some mental space!

I have a couple of fantastic friends locally who are brilliant with the kids, but they are very often doing family things so not around.

I have some other local friends with young kids, but they seem to be finding the 'early years' (our kids are aged between 1 and 6) quite tough, and have said that they find having us as well as their kids all together, too much. It's a shame as I've known them over 20 years and it makes me feel even more isolated and a bit unwanted really

Sorry, didn't mean to moan, but I do feel your pain! It is really really tough, but I have faith that it will eventually get better

Another one here. Dd's father did a runner when I was about twelve weeks. I knew where he was but he changed his number and wouldn't respond to messages sent through mutual friends. Five years later he turned up, said he wanted to be her dad, messed her about and fucked my head up with serious emotional abuse...resulting in a fight between us which got physical. I found out he was drinking and driving, and taking his other child to a house full of drug users. Luckily we hadn't gotten to the stage where he would see dd alone. (This all happened within five months). I said he could not see her unless I was present, he didn't bother. He then got his new gf pregnant, married her and forced me to take a dna test through the csa (prompted by her no doubt, he'd never asked for one before).

If I ever see him again it will be too soon. I'm glad he hasn't tried for contact really as she's happy and stable and doesn't seem to be damaged by the few months she did know him. I was kicking myself at the time for allowing him back into our lives but at least now I know he had his chance and blew it. He'd always been a wanker but over that five years he'd gone from being teetotal to a drinker and drug user too.

It really doesn't bother me anymore because I know now that nothing I did would have made any difference to the way he treated her. I thought, in the beginning that if he would just see her he would fall in love with her and be a good dad. Now I know that's bollocks, and it really is his loss!

I don't have any evil ex stories to share and I think that in itself is quite isolating. The worst thing is wanting to do stuff in the evenings - go to meetings at the school/go to a class - and not being able to do it. And never ever getting a lie-in!

Oh Dowagers, I hear you - I really do. A night out, or a lie-in...

Hey! I came to join in.
Im a single mum to DS 11months old.

I was engaged to his dad, found out all the lies he'd been telling me, found out he was having an affair. I split with him when 6months pregnant.

In pregnancy i suffered from hyperemesis and gallstones, causing my full term baby to be just 5lb 11oz, bless him!
When DS was 6weeks I was in ICU with pancreatitis and also had surgery to remove evil gallbladder. I remember being terrified as I could have died and being so scared that my gorgeous DS wouldnt have a mummy or a daddy. But I made it.

DS's dad has no involvement, he put us both at risk and through hell to the point I had to involve police over threats and harassment. He reared his ugly head a few months back but he never got to see DS because he couldn't even stick to his promises to be a father for longer than 24hrs and then he was back to the lies and threats etc.

I get so lonely just me and DS and I don't get much help at all. Ex does not pay a penny and emotional support from friends and family is a bit thin on the ground.

I miss the nipping to shop at anytime for something forgotten and going out to cinema/for dinner. I hate not having anyone to discuss worries with in middle of the night if DS is sick and having to go with him to A&E alone and panic with no one to put my mind at rest and to tell me everything will be ok. I worry that il never find anyone and DS will hate me for him not having a dad. But I'm strong, I'm doing this on my own and I'm doing ok....I think

People don't really understand unless they have experienced it. But I know I'm stronger for not having anyone else to rely on. I have no friends in a similar situation so it is tough.