Any other single mothers who have no contact with their child's father/raised their child alone from pregancy feel isolated even from other single mothers?

[LucieMay]

My ds is six years old and was conceived through a fling. Long story short, his father turned out to be a waste of space (to put it mildly) and I had to terminate (the very intermittent) contact when he was 18 months old. I was never with his father and was single throughout my pregnancy and throughout raising him (though I've had a few relationships with other men). I've always felt very disconnected from two parent families, even those with whom I was already friends with, and have always found it hard to make friends with other parents (although I'm quite a sociable person and make friends easily when I meet them through social circumstances/at work, where my DS isn't a factor in our friendship).

Over the last year, I made friends with the mother of one of my ds's classmates. Like me she is a single mother, but like all the other single parents I've ever come across, her ds has contact with his dad, and she was married to him when her ds was born (they separated two years ago). My sister is a single parent but both of her dds were born from relationships and both the dads have contact with their dds. I feel quite alienated even from these sorts of single mothers as I have never even known what it is like to have a child with their father present- living in the same house, making decisions together, sharing child care, it has always just been me and DS.

Even as a baby, I never left my ds alone with his dad (he wasn't fit to care for him) so I never get weekends off or a night off and during the school holidays other kids seem to go off on holidays with their dads and the mums get free time. I can't empathise at all really when some single mums have to work out contact schedules and deal with their xh/xp's new partners etc and I've never had a penny in maintenance from him (he's never had a job so it would have been pointless going down the CSA route).

I know logically of course many other women are in my position but I've just never come across any. It is a special sense of alienation which I probably place upon myself but I can't even empathise with the single mums in the playground who complain about their exes or their divorce or all of those issues. I feel like I'm in my own little bubble with no one who really understands what it's like and I even find myself getting jealous of those single mothers who get weekends/time off and get maintenance, let alone two parent families. I hate feeling that way because me and DS have a good life and I would not change one single thing about having him. I just feel lonely sometimes, despite having good friends and family. I do plan to use the meet up section of MN to see if any other parents locally in my position exist.

Just venting really and wondering how other women in my position cope?

I'm in pretty much the same position. The DC's haven't seen their Dad in almost 3yrs and with a bit of luck he won't appear again, I wasn't in the least bit heartbroken when he went - I was glad we were all safe! There's another mum at the school whose partner left her a year ago and they have no contact.

So, you're not alone. But I know what you mean. Never getting a break is shit really. It puts paid to evenings out and seeing friends. The logistics of work, kids parties, activities etc are a PITA.

My mum helps me, but mainly in the week when I work, so at weekends it's just me and the small people. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes I'm climbing the wall by 10am on saturday. XP was useless so I've never really known what it's like to have a sensible, supportive partner, it's always been down to me.

I'm sure I could say something more inspiring but it's late and my brain is overtired!

hiya Lucie you are not alone honey I am in same boat my ds 7 but with SNs on top so more worrying over ds making it in big world when I'm gone!
Want ds to be 18 yrs old tomorrow so I know what else I need to do to try and get him independant.

But the no shared care, maintenance, weekend off, making very hard decisions and having to do all health/education meetings alone yep it's hard.
I guess my ex saw me as a long fling! Then left when I was pregnant etc
But...

I get no abuse (well I did but CCTV stopped that lol), no objections to ds treatments/school, no being tried to be controlled, endless petty rows, who is having ds next Xmas day/birthday, uncomfortable parents evenings etc etc

Stress free please myself life kinda except can't have a social one at all as no family or friends(cause can't get out because I got a dc) to socialise with. Umm I do understand that bubble! we truly are single parents Lucie

Nope, you're not alone, and it does suck to get absolutely no time off. You get used to it though

And it is fine to vent, we all need to sometimes

Hi. I'm in the same position too: father no contact, no maintenance, no time off. I don't feel isolated though, not with anybody including friends who have a complete family with dhs. I do feel a twinge of sadness when I see children with their dads though. Im trying to think why I don't feel like you do, though I can empathise with you. Maybe it's because I did have dp with us for the first 3 years and having lived through that I feel so much happier that it's just me and the dcs. So I guess that in my particular situation I've learnt that the grass is greener on your own side of the fence, if you know what I mean - and that's what makes me happy.
Also, I keep busy and wherever I go I take along the whole "family" of me, dcs and dog. And that's how I see it: man or not it's team kissingfrogs.

I'm in a similar situation - ds (8) has never had any contact with his father, we broke up before ds was born.

It is hard, and I am VERY jealous of single mums who get weekends off. I have no advice abut how to deal with this, I haven't figured it out yet! I don't have any family here, so I never get time to myself. I have been out at night without ds twice in 4 years. I'm a full time student, so I don't have the money to pay for a babysitter, even if I had anywhere to go.

I don't think you have to be in exactly the same situation as someone to empathise though. And I don't think being in the same situation is necessarily the basis of a good friendship. I know one other single mum with no ex involved, our sons are the same age. We're friends, but we have nothing in common and we're not particularly close.

Am in pretty much the same situation though I was married to my DTs' father but we split when my children were 6 months old. He had sporadic contact for a year or two and (had been in the UK on a spouse visa) he was then removed to his home country.

He has seen the kids once since then when I and my xbf took the kids on a day trip to see him. He claims he cannot get a visit visa and I have never received any financial support from him.

I'm lucky enough (sort of ...) to live with my mum so I do manage to get out but I do not have weekends off.

And sometimes I really miss (well, never had so not sure miss is the right word to be honest) having someone to discuss the children with or help make decisions.

No advice really but just wanting to let you know you are not alone ....

I am in the same situation, I had a relationship with my son's dad but we split before he was born and he's never had any contact.

I am a bit lucky in that when DS was 4 I moved to be closer to my family, who helped out loads, so I was able to get time off on weekends and support with school pickups. That made a huge difference and it meant I could socialise and have hobbies.

It's a huge responsibility to make so many decisions on your own. Parents in typical families with two parents have no idea, and even other single parents don't really get it, if they have an involved ex who pays full maintenance, has regular contact, gave them a big house in the divorce etc.

I have tried to focus on the positive aspects which others have mentioned above - no one to argue over your parenting decisions, no split holiday time (would hate to only spend half my Christmases with DS like some other single parents), no one else with parental responsibility which some exes use to prevent LPs from moving or travelling abroad, no long journeys for contact weekends with the other parent, no ex on the scene to complicate things if you want to start up a new relationship. Overall I think it has been better for me and DS to have no contact really. I often read about LPs who have been forced to have contact with manipulative exes (if exP had bothered to make the effort he'd be one of these). The exes are given a huge amount of legal powers but there's no demand made for them to make any real effort with the children.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. My son was conceived outside of a relationship, his dad is an immature nob who ran away from his responsibilities. Although he has seen DS a few times recently, we live 200 miles apart now, and I would never be able to leave them alone together as he doesn't have the capacity to understand a child's basic needs. I get hardly any time off - I mean maybe a few hours a week - even worse hours than a junior doctor!

I find it very difficult to make 'mum friends' for all the reasons you mentioned. Often, other single mums want to slag off their ex partner, or talk about maintenance, access issues, holiday shares etc. I don't fit in here, and I definitely don't fit in with two parent families. It's very difficult and lonely.

I sometimes I wish I could advertise for others like me locally, but I don't think there are any - I live in a very conservative area!

I'm in the same situation. I've been on my own since I was 7 weeks pregnant. I don't get weekends off and I don't get maintenance. it's been really hard on my own but I can see the other side because I was single mum before the accident also after breaking up from a long term relationship with my son's father.

there are certainly unique differences between single parenting and lone parenting. I didn't appreciate the difference until I became a loan parent so I could see why you may feel distance from other single mums if they don't understand your own difficulties. heather I would recommend that you try to foster good support network as being a loan parent it's very lonely stuff and having friends who at least partly understandhow tough it is it's better than being alone.

sorry for any typos I am using voice recognition anna doesn't like my scottish accent. my arthritis is bad today and I am having to be creative to get this message down. haha.

Hello I am in exactly the same situation, I fell pregnant after a one night stand brief fling and although I contacted the father he made it clear he wanted no involvement. I have been on my own the whole way through, my dd is also 6yo.

I feel that there is certain prejudice against single parents and there is also levels of acceptability even within single parent groups, for example,

widows are fully acceptable single parents without any stigma attached
divorced still fairly acceptable
child concieved in a relationship not marriage, as long as still has contact with the dad thats o.kay.
And right at the bottom of the heap are us the lone parents which is actually very different to being a single parent.

I don't know anyone else in my situation.

I don't feel like I'm at the bottom of the heap but I do feel very jealous of single mums who get that break once a fortnight.

Sort of the same boat here - was married to ex but marriage was already in bits when I found I was pg with DD (now 6) and we already had DS (now 8). He left the area and has made practically no contact for over 4 years now. We don't know where he lives - I think he stays kind of hidden as he is scared I'll chase for maintenance! Sometimes I am pleased that I don't have to "share" them, but it is bloody hard work being totally financially responsible for them, dealing with emotional stuff and just worrying about everything! Not just a lone parent, but a bit lonely sometimes too!

Same story here! Split with dd father just before I found out I was preg. We decided it would make or break us and it broke us completly! In her 8 months on this earth, he has seen her twice, last time being with she was 2 months old .
We don't speak anymore but I have great support in my family and friends but yes, I do feel so lonely at times. It's a huge financial strain (he pays nothing towards her) but I love dd and secretly feel glad I don't need to share her. It's hard work at times!

Just away to stress over the forthcoming summer holidays. Loads of things DD wants to do, but I have to juggle my annual leave, with what dates are available in Kids Club. And clubs cost a fortune, but I only have limited holidays for the whole year.

I would cry with joy if her deadbeat father even offered to take her for a few days over the summer.

Me too. First time around it was a short casual thing long gone before I realised I was pregnant. Told him and he said he was too young to be involved. He saw DD when she was 5 days old full of promises and declarations of love. He never turned up again.

I raised her alone for 8 years and it was hard but you just get on with it.

Second time yes, I am that stupid I thought we were more seriouse but he apparently had other ideas. The very second I told him I was pregnant he told me he couldn't be involved and it was my problem.

He's never seen DS (3) although has just asked to. I don't think it will work out though. He's not really showing any concern for DS's needs in contact. Just satisfying his own curiosity.

I would never choose to do it alone again. I'd love to share a pregnancy and a newborn with someone one day.

I have friends who have every weekend to themselves and I must admit sometimes I envy them! It would be lovely to have a break but it's not likely to happen anytime soon so you just have to get on with it.

Nice to hear some similar stories , I can empathise with a lot of what has been said.

My ex has sporadic contact with her father. She saw him for 3 hours yesterday, the first time since February. I would quite like it if he slipped off the face of the earth, but, unfortunately, DD misses him, so when he gets in contact shes desperate to see him.

It is very hard, not only not having any time to yourself, but also not having anyone to give you input on hard decisions. Not that XP would be any good at that, but I see what other dads do for their children. My family are brilliant at helping me, having her while I work, I couldn't have done it without them, but I would literally kill sometimes to be able to go out with a friend, or go away spontaneously, without having to juggle around childcare.

I was a single parent from 6 mths pregnant, daughter 19. No contact from the father, spent years trying to get him to be a father. No maintenance either or time off, minimal help from family. Second child, single parent again after 2 yrs.

You are not on your own.

totally quote Znaika
it sucks no two ways about it
I have been dreaming of going to pilates for 7 years

Gosh I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a young widow, how very sad :-( and people sometimes to seem to think childcare grows on trees! I've only ever left my son with a cm/nursery/after school club while I work or immediate family. I've had people suggest I put up a notice in the local shop for a babysitter! Yes because I'm really going to shell out cash to invite a random teenager I don't know anything about into my home to look after my son

Same as all of the above, pregnant on my own and have a DD. I have to admit to feeling sorry to the parents who have to share their DC at the weekends, I would be loathe to have to send my DD away to her father when we could be out having fun together! I'm lucky in that I have parents nearby and a good social circle but the donkey work is mine and happily so. I call the shots, no arguments over how to raise my child and I have the wonderful reward of knowing I did it all with a lot of hard work and love.

The sacrifices are big, especially career wise but I'm so glad I did it.

The 'not being able to run out after 7pm' still gets me even after 3 yrs. I have to organise everything in the 10 mins I have before work and the 10 mins before I collect DS from school and then DD from nursery. It's bloody impossible most of the time. I don't even get a lunch break so I'm always making calls while dashing up to the school.

My DD1 is 10 and it is pretty much exactly the same, except he now pays CSA after taking me to court for a paternity test.

He spent a whole year getting to know her then fucked her off 5.6 years ago! I have since been married, had another 2 DC and divorced and TBH exh is just as much of a useless twat!

In answer to your op I am very lucky that my best friend is in a similar position to me and we do quite a lot of things together and I don't really care what anybody else thinks, I think that helps.

I think that a lot of the "isolation" comes from a massive underestimation of the logistics involved by pretty much anyone not in a similar situation.

And I put isolation in brackets because it can both be a physical thing (a lack of understanding that you may have no access to childcare or money for childcare), or more mentally challenging (that 'head meet wall' feeling you get when it's clear that someone really doesn't understand your situation).

You can either let it get to you or roll with the punches and try to educate a few. It also helps to accept that some days will be better than others.

It would also really help if lone parents didn't get such a bad press I'm sure.