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Original poster

is Fuckarama about? need help reattatching my MN balls

45 replies

IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 16:40

so no contact from EXp all week. he texted me last night at 8pm saying "what are the boys at?" i replied saying "now?" as it was after bedtime and he knows that. he didn't reply at all. then today at 20 past 1 he texts asking if i was doing anything with the dcs today. i reply saying "what is your plan? i need definite times" he replied saying "i come and get them about half 2 and have them back about 8" i text back saying "no, i need definite times. 'about' doesn't mean anything. do you not wat to keep them overnight?" (it's ds2's birthday tomorrow which is why i asked) he didn't reply so at ten past 2 i texted him saying "i need to know pretty soon what's happening or else they wont be ready to go at half 2" got no reply so at quarter past i texted him again saying "i take it you are't having the boys then?" again no reply. he then text 15 minutes ago saying "i got a car so can get the boys when they are ready" and then a follow up message saying "yeah i want the boys to stay, just didn't ask incase you wanted ds2 for tomorrow" (bulshit he didn't want to ask!)

so what do i reply? for anyone that doesn't know i have asked him already to give me notice of when he would like to have the dcs and he has failed to do this. he is still just texting and arriving. also, would it be UR of me to ask him to ring me in future to arrange contact as clearly texting is not working because he just ignores whatever questions he doesn't want to answer in texts?

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Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 17:06

or anyone?

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fuckarama · 26/05/2012 17:12

What time will you be here? They must be back no later than x time tomorrow.

(Sorry was out in the sunshine)

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 17:16

oh fucks you star!! (dont blame you being out on a day like that!)

if i'm honest i was thinking of telling him they are unavailable now as we've just had dinner and were going to settle down for our DVD night. they've been out all day and are shattered. i was going to tell him to collect them in the morning.

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fuckarama · 26/05/2012 17:42

Tonight doesn't work for me. You can collect in the morning at x time.

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 18:00

done. thank you again. i will get the hang of this one day.

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corlan · 26/05/2012 18:02

I agree with fuckarama!
And tomorrow, if he doesn't turn up within half an hour of the time he says he will, go out( or pretend to be out Wink) and don't return his texts until you get back.

He is still mucking you around - to say he will be round about half 2 and still have not turned up after 4 is just disrespectful, as if your time is worth nothing.

Bossybritches22 · 26/05/2012 18:06

Does he not get the concept of regular set contact times?

Not sure of your history so sorry but at any age this sort if will he/won't he is unsettling for them & no good for your nerves or planning your child-free time.

I think you need to take charge of this not be so kind & offering him access to suit his social life. It needs to be regular (one mid-week night plus every other or third w/e depending on ages & work patterns) and at the very least 24 hrs notice of any changes.

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 18:06

yes that's it exactly corlan. this has been his pattern for as long as i can remember and i'm just so fed up wasting day after day waiting for him to even reply to a text so i know whether i can even tell my dcs if they are going to see him or not. they were asking today if he had been in touch and i had to say no because if i had said yes they would have been expecting him all day (like the last time) and had their little hearts broken again when it got to bedtime and he still hadn't arrived.

if only he knew how this was affecting them. or would he even care.

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Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 18:12

xposting with bossy. yes i agree. i want him to agree a regular contact schedule and have told him that i want 2 weeks notice of all contact including dates ad times of pick ups and drop offs. he has ignored this request and continues to just text (usually on a weekend day around lunch time) asking if they are free that day. i think i have let it go on so long because he is in the forces and doesn't have regular leave. but i've been a mug. he is bound to know at least a week or so in advance of when he is going to be home and actually he has been home all of may and could have sat down with his calendar and decided to have them every tuesday wednesay and saturday and arranged this with me but he wont do it. he doesn't have to because i have been letting him jsut turn up and take them. but i do need to get tough. this cant go on. and yes he doesn't seem to understand at all why giving me a time for pick up is rather essential. his response when i last asked for a definite time was "why do you want specifics?" Hmm surely it's common sense that if you plan to meet someone or collect someone you tell them what time you will be there. you dont just say, "i'll see you sometime in may!"

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corlan · 26/05/2012 18:15

You need your MN balls Booybilee!

Every time he messes you around by turning up late, go out, don't enter into a text conversation with him,just go. Then he has wasted a journey and his plans for the day are screwed up. Eventually (if he has any sense), he will realise that messing you and his children around doesn't get him what he wants and he may decide it's in his interests to turn up on time.

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 18:23

i think he's changing tactics. the past few times rather than turning up late he has texted asking if he can have the boys and then when asked what time he will be there he doesn't reply for hours. and when he first texts at 2pm this means that most of the day is gone by the time he gets back to me. i'm trying to work out what the reason behind this is. like today when asked to confirm a definite time, he didnt respond for 2.5 hours and when he did, still didn't give a time, just said he would collect them when they were ready. well they would have been ready at half 2 except i couldn't tell them to pack their bags as there is no guarantee he will turn up and tehy would be gutted all over again. and i sure as hell wasn't telling them at half four that daddy will be coming for them "at some point, yet to be decided by himself".

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Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 18:25

i've told him to collect them at 12 tomorrow but he hasn't replied. if he isn't here by 12.15 we will be going out as it is ds2's birthday and i can think of loads of fun things they would enjoy. i am NOT wasting his birthday waiting around for that selfish bastard. i'm not even telling them he's coming. how sad is that that i cant tell my dcs they are going to see their dad? Angry

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fuckarama · 26/05/2012 18:27

What a fucking arse he is.

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 18:30

totally.

i have hope that one day they will find a cure. Grin

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fuckarama · 26/05/2012 18:30

Grin If only

AnitaBlake · 26/05/2012 18:56

He's trying to play you at your own game love. Simple response, no sorry we are busy today. I've asked you to give me two weeks notice. If you can't give me this, I can't definitely say when, or even if they will be available. They have lives too. Please give appropriate notice in future.

If he says he'll pick then up when they are ready, it a simple, we're out for the day now. I asked you fir two weeks notice. The boys have plans today and tomorrow now.

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 20:14

thanks anita. you are right. i just need to remind him of what he has to do.

still no reply to my last text. i dont think tehre will be one.

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Bossybritches22 · 26/05/2012 20:33

Booybilee it sounds like you are being more than reasonable.

I think you need to get tougher with him in an official way as he is just taking the p.

Write a letter or email something like this;
stating the days/times you are prepared to have the boys ready for him as a regular thing. When he is on exercise/deployed then he will know the dates as you say & can give you 48 hrs notice if it has to be other days.

Also state that if he does not collect the DC's at the given time or within 1 hr of the agreed time then he forfeits that days access.

State that this is for the good of the children, they need regularity and they need to see their dad and whilst you have no wish to block that access you don't want them becoming distressed when contact is so sporadic & unreliable.

Add in that while you have no wish to make this official if he can't agree & stick to the above you will have no option but to seek legal advice to formalise the access arrangements.

He is taking the mickey & walking all over you, but he will because he can.

Not easy I know but it will make life easier if you can stand up to him.

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 20:41

that is a great idea bossy, so even if he didn't let me know he was home i would know that say 30 minutes after the start of contact time that i could leave the house. i wouldn't have to wait around for him to decide when he was coming.

i'm going to start wording that now. thank you!

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Bossybritches22 · 26/05/2012 20:47

Exactly, he lives by routine & order at work so he can damn well apply it to his arrangements with you!

Have you ever taken legal advice BTW?

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 20:48

hmm. do you think it would be unreasonable to request that he inform me 48 hours in advance of when he will be taking them for contact. i know it isn't about me, it's about them seeing their dad at regular times but it does leave me not knowing until say 12pm on a saturday that i will have a childfree afternoon/night which if i wanted to make good use of my childfree time is quite short notice to arrange to meet with friends. again, i know this isn't about me but i can forsee how this will play out. he wont let me know when he's going to be home and i will be spending all my childfree time stuck in the bloody house because i haven't had enough notice to organise stuff to do.

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Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 20:51

i did take legal advcie years ago when ds1 was just a baby. EXP stopped seeing him (for reasons still unknown to me) when he was 7 weeks old and then instructed a solicitor when he was 19 weeks old to negotiate weekly contact. exp wasn't in the forces at the time and his weekly contact transferred to his mum when he did leave to join up.

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Bossybritches22 · 26/05/2012 20:55

So does mum still have contact?

No you set the visiting hours/days & it's up to him to notify you if he CAN'T make it otherwise it's still leaving him a get out.

You can get a free half hour with a family law solicitor if you need to & it may be worth forking out or trying to get legal aid if you can't afford it

MissPricklePants · 26/05/2012 20:59

Listen to bossy, she always gives great advice!

Original poster
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 21:00

yes his mum and dad have a contact order now for ds1 (there was a violent incident when ds1 was a toddler and i stopped the contact so they took it to court)

i just know he wont let me know if he cant have them. he'd love the fact that i would have planned a night out only to have to cancel it because he was away back to work without letting me know. he jsut would stick to that agreement of either letting me know he was taking them or letting me know he wasn't. i think i'm going to have to see a solicitor. do you know what happens if an agreement is reached through solicitors but he doesn't stick to it? is there anyway of making him?

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