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Original poster

Ex forbidding DD to bring belongings between homes

27 replies

PlainClothed · 13/05/2012 20:39

DD (11) has a 50:50 between her Dad and I - one week at each house.

As she has got older, exH has bought DD a lot of the latest gadgets - 18 months ago, he bought her a iPod and told me that she wouldn't need to bring it with her when she visited because she already had an MP3 player that I had bought her for her birthday, so the iPod was to use at his house. (at no point did I ever tell DD she could'nt take her MP3 player to her Dads, BTW)

A few weeks ago, DD asked why DSS was allowed his iPod here but she wasn't, and I explained that if she wanted to bring her iPod then that was fine with me. So she began to bring it with her.

DD has just arrived and she has told me that her Dad has bought her a laptop computer yesterday, and when he gave it to her he said that "all he asked was that she never brings it here". It's not a birthday present or anything; he's always been a spontaneous spender. It may be a coincidence, but this gift coincides with DD spending an extra few days with me so she can get to school easier for her SATS. It's a one off, and she spent an extra week with him in the Easter hols, so it's not like I'm trying to keep her from him.

I know he is being an arse, it is latest in a long history of idiocy on his part - but is there anything that I can practically I can do for DD to make this easier for her, or do I just accept that one day soon DD will work out that he is a arse for herself

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RabidAnchovy · 13/05/2012 20:45

I am sure your DD will soon work out he is an idiot.

I have two boys who take things between houses, (thankfully we only live 10 minuets apart and first H is not a dick) there have often been early morning phone call as school shoes/coats.books are at the other home

If the things belong to your DD then she should be allowed to take them where she wishes

girliefriend · 13/05/2012 20:47

Hi is being an idiot and really unfair on your dd. Have you tried to talk to him about it? To me it sounds like he is trying to bribe her into spending more time at his house and also trying to buy love.

curiositykitten · 13/05/2012 20:52

There could be various reasons, aside him being an arse.

For example, I don't allow my DC to take anything that can't be machine washed to their dad's house, because he smokes and everything used to come back fucking stinking!!

Original poster

PlainClothed · 13/05/2012 21:11

curiosity what reasons can you think of? I genuinely would like to understand his possible motives.

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purpleroses · 13/05/2012 21:17

Has your DD tried asking her dad why she can't bring it with her?

She might have more chance of pursuading him to let her bring things if she knew what his reasons were. Maybe he'll say he's afraid they'll get broken and she could offer some reassurance, or you could offer to buy replacements if they get broken at your house. Or does she go via school? Could understand not wanting her taking a laptop and ipod to school with her.

My DC have various things that go between their two houses (our arrangements ounds very like yours, rabid ) and I do somethings try and stop things going to their dad's if I'm worried I won't get them back each time.

But I think you need to leave it for her to argue out with her dad really if he bought them.

thewickedestsm · 13/05/2012 21:57

There is a lotof advice online about how it is better for children if they are allowed to take things between homes. Could you show him that and appeal to his reasonable side (if he has one?) Maybe he doesn't realise the damage he could be doing?

There are some exceptions to this, I feel. For example, my DSD has had 4 pairs of headphones bought for her in the last six months for use with the iphone that DH bought her for Xmas. She has a pair at her Mums but pairs leave here and never return, then she speds all weekend complaining that she doesn't have any here. So we've banned them from leaving the house. She thinks it's incredibly unfair, and so does her Mum as they are "her" property, not ours... but it is purely a practicle measure!! When she has brought things to you have you always sent her back with them for use there? Could that be why he's not keen for them to leave?

I let my DD take things to her Dad's because that is what the professionals advise... but it is pretty galling when you are missing 8 DVDs and DD has no DVDs to watch here when i want a quiet moment...

thewickedestsm · 13/05/2012 22:00

I also insist on clothes coming back from Dad's/ going back to dad's too... not sure if that is unreasonable or what - I'm just sick of buying clothes and then never having them when i need them, and with DD having no uniform at her school, we get through a lot of clothes
He thinks that makes me a twat too. meh.

Original poster

PlainClothed · 13/05/2012 22:23

No, there's never a problem with things going back - although she is an air head, and regularly leaves things in the wrong place.

But whereas, I'm happy for her to manage without her games console for the week she is here, or even get into trouble with school if she forgets to bring her school shoes from her Dads, he will go out of his way to avoid any inconvenience for her - and will drop off or pick up things she has forgotten
There are rarely any natural consequences for her forgetting things - so she continues to forget!

Although changeover is through school - she drops her handover bag here before school when she comes to us, and picks it up after school when she goes to his (we live very close to school so it's easy); I agree, its not safe to have high-value stuff at school - and I introduced the bag drop-off because she was leaving her smartphone, cash, ipod, DS etc in the cloakroom all day! I wouldn't have minded if he had said he was worried about theft or similar; it was the way she clearly quoted him as saying "he only asks one thing" and that was that she didn't bring it here

I can't change him, and don't intend to try - what I'm struggling with is how to support DD as she begins to realise that her Dad sometimes puts her on a pedestal, but other times, disregards her needs.

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thewickedestsm · 13/05/2012 22:28

It must be pretty confusing. How pissed off would he be if he was told he couldn't take his property where he wants to.
I'm not sure how to support her through this... sorry

reddaisy · 13/05/2012 22:42

I think this kind of thing is fairly normal isn't it? If he has bought her an expensive laptop then he wants her to be able to use it at his house to amuse herself. Some things should be able to go back and forth between houses and other things should stay put. We used to have to go out and buy DSD new shoes every weekend we had her because she would take them back to her mums and turn up at our house in flip flops etc when it was raining for example we said if we buy it, it stays here so she always has something suitable to wear.

Since we implemented the rule she got older and more responsible so she can take things back and forth again. We live a 45min drive away though so swapping things at the weekend isn't practical.

Original poster

PlainClothed · 13/05/2012 23:02

reddaisy but DD isn't EOW, she has a 50:50 arrangement, and two of the things she needs daily, one at each house (which I buy both of as I receive CM).
As she's got older, she has begun to buy items of footwear, clothing, books etc herself - and brings them back and forth as she wants to.

If exP doesn't want her to bring her laptop, here, it will make her life more difficult in terms of homework etc - but because he's made it clear that the gift is conditional, I know she won't ask if she can bring it

OP posts:

reddaisy · 14/05/2012 07:35

I still think it is fair enough not to bring the laptop as it is expensive and I would imagine most youngsters couldn't be relied upon to carry it back and forth safely. DSD has a laptop at her DMs but not with us as she just uses the PC here. Can`t you just get her a memory stick so she can put ongoing hw on that and that is more portable?

Each house having different rules can be difficult for everyone but I think it is something it is generally easier to accept and work with if possible as you won`t change his mind.

Original poster

PlainClothed · 14/05/2012 08:00

daisy leaving aside my opinion that if she's not responsible enough to take care of a laptop, then should she have one - my concern is not the practicalities (Dropbox will serve the purpose) it is how to support DD when he Dad gives her conditional gifts.
He didn't explain why he didn't want her to bring it, other than 'it was the one thing he asked'

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 14/05/2012 08:10

Your dd will work out for herself that these presents come with a long list of attachments and they are not really presents at all

What do you do, you explain that when real presents are given they are given without a list of rules as the giver wants to give and this is normal with presents. You don't want your own dd to grow up thinking that when she gives presents that she must make a list of rules about the presents she gives to people - that's not normal but controlling behaviour.

You explian to your dd that people accept presents i they wish - but if they come with a list of rules then in some cases however lovely the present is you have to think hard about whether you want to accept the control ing nature that the present bring with it.

reddaisy · 14/05/2012 08:18

I obviously don't know all the history but I don't think it makes him an arse and I don't think it is a big deal. Let him get on with it, his house, his rules.

AmberLeaf · 14/05/2012 08:28

Controlling arse.

birdofthenorth · 14/05/2012 08:38

They are not your's and ExP's belongings, they are her belongings. And I say this even as a stepmum who has got used to buying DSS nice thoughtful gifts and then never seeing them again when he immediately asks to take them back to his mum's. I try to deal with this by telling myself it's a compliment that I've chosen well!

Original poster

PlainClothed · 14/05/2012 08:59

Let him get on with it, his house, his rules.

I fully intend to leave him to get on with it - I've never considered it my place to try and change what he does.

What I am seeking is advice & opinions about how to support DD - whether to take the approach ivy suggested and explain that gifts are unconditional and to give a gift with conditions takes away from the gesture, or the approach you are suggesting which is to downplay it to her, and allow her to come to terms with it in her own way.

OP posts:

limetimemummy · 14/05/2012 09:20

I think that Ivys advice is sound. She is old enough to have that discussion with you and for her to understand.

I am in a similar boat - when dd visits her dad she is never allowed to bring anything home from there..clothes, birthday/christmas presents etc. (I let her take anything with her..as far as I'm concerned it is her stuff). In our circs it is daft as she is at her dads for less than 10 weekends per year, so she really doesnt get the benefit or pleasure out of those things that are kept there (although she is only 6 at the moment, she is headstrong so I'm not sure how much longer she will accept this for!!)

GnocchiNineDoors · 14/05/2012 09:31

It's sad for your DD as these items are 'hers' and should go where she goes and wants to take them. It's mean of him to give gifts with conditions like this. If he wanted the laptop to remain under his control, he should have bought it as a gift for the whole household, not just for DD.

Sorry, I have nothing to suggest as to how to resolve it, just wanted to give my opinion on the matter.

Hope you manage to resolve it all with him.

reddaisy · 14/05/2012 09:55

If it was something less valuable and useful than a laptop then that would be different but if and when I buy DD a laptop she will have rules about where she can take too. If you turned this around and post it in AIBU for example then it would be perceived differently: "AIBU to give DD, 11, rules about where she can take the new laptop I have just bought her?" I bet most people wouldn`t think that was unreasonable and how much hw does she actually have at her age that she would need it at your house?

If she was older, personally I would say 14+ then it should be up to her where her things go.

We now often buy DSD new clothes that we never see her in which is a shame but she is 15 and is old enough to make decisions herself. Occasionally she will end up with barely any jeans or trousers here as she has taken them all back to her mums but then she has to wear my clothes and even go out in public in them so some soon reappear again!

OddBoots · 14/05/2012 10:06

It is controlling and possibly unfair but in your shoes I would console myself with the thought that if it can't come to your house then he can't blame you if it gets broken.

I would imagine from the fact you post here there is a computer in your house which your dd can access so as you say, dropbox (or a USB stick) should resolve the practical stuff.

Original poster

PlainClothed · 14/05/2012 11:15

daisy I think you've missed the point, a bit - this isn't a rule about taking it to others houses, or even to school - she is permitted to do those things.

This is a specific request that, as a condition of the gift, she doesn't bring to her home with me, where she lives 50% of the time.

I don't intend to try and change his decision - I want to try and ensure I support DD appropriately as she deals with the emotions and questions that this will undoubtedly create.

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reddaisy · 14/05/2012 12:01

If she is definitely allowed to take it everywhere other than your house then I did miss the point and that is weird and unreasonable. If it is just that it has to stay at his house then what I have said previously still stands.

Sorry if I got it wrong. On a practical note sometimes it can help to create a similar scenario when the dust settles to let her draw her own conclusions and a parallel. Eg: "I need a stapler to do some work from home in the evenings but my boss said as work have paid for it then I can`t take it home with me so I will have to buy myself one. Is that fair dd?"

A more sophisticated scenario might work more effectively but hopefully you see what I mean!

Original poster

PlainClothed · 14/05/2012 12:39

daisy I don't blame you for getting confused - it almost seems too odd to be true, doesn't it? But yes, he has different rules for her that only apply to me and her home with me; poor DD, she's getting old enough to realise her Dad is a bit "odd" in some ways, but I want to give her coping strategies to deal with it rather than have her get frustrated with him in the future

I like the idea of a using a parallel scenario to talk to her about - I'll see what I can come up with!

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