What keeps you motivated as a single parent?

[happyhappymummy]

I know this is obvious to most your children right? Of course!
I mean its so tough being a single parent. Its harder when you have hardly any emotional, financial support from the ex.
Yesterday was a bad bad day! Its too embarrassing to say! Plus I dont wanna bore you with my life!
How do you know when you have crashed and burned? How the hell do you find the strength to get back up?
So many obsticles which I feel I cant jump anymore :(
Where is that light at the end of the tunnel that everyone keeps talking about? Its been 2 years in July since my husband left.
Im sorry I dont want to put such a depressing post on here, I also know there are people worse off than me. Surely there is someone out there that has hope for me. Iv kinda lost sight of it!

Ive been a single parent for 9 years now with 3 ds 10, 13 and 15....it is bloody hard work and it doesnt get easier but i have to say i like my life.
I work 20 hours a week but yet im always broke...that pisses me off but i suppose the bills are paid and we have clothes on our backs!
The first 2-3 years were the hardest for me as my x was (and is) an EA and a complete twunt.....but i learnt to detach and then things got easier.
Now my ds are older i can pop out for coffee with friends now and again, they go out with their mates so from that point of view im no longer entertaining young kids on a daily basis but they do argue a lot, which can turn physical...that gets me down as they dont always listen to me!!

After the split and the ensuing nightmare bullshit from my ex, I couldn't ever imagine being settled and happy again.

However, over six years later, those dark days seem like a bad dream. We are all happy, healthy and life is good. My girls are a credit to me and I think I'm doing a good job. We have a nice home and I manage ok financially (despite no child support). A big part of my increased confidence is also due to the fact I'm at university and doing well. That was a big leap for me and it has paid off.

I am very lucky in lots of ways, it just took a while to get through the fog.

14 years ago for me (have a dp now).

I kept myself going by always wanting to feel proud of dc's. They always had a clean home, clothes and a decent meal.

Hmmm, it was pride I guess that kept me on my feet. There were bad days, everyone will get them. Don't beat yourself up. It is very hard, there's no two ways about it.

Dee03.. Well done you :) ha I love that word twunt! Thats gonna be my new one ;)
MissMowgi.. Good for you :) I cant wait for that day. Well done on the uni by the way I wish I was a little more accademic!
Monty.. Good for you too :) Im scraping to do this. Money is a huge issue.
I do try and stay positive, sometimes things get too much and I wonder when I can be settled! Financially, physically and emotionally.
Thanks for your postes :)

Yes, knowing that I am (I think) doing a good job raising my son alone makes me proud of myself and keep going. He is such a joy to me too (mind you he's not yet 5 so i have yet to experience him as a grunting monosyllabic smell-bag lol)

No support or contact with the father here either. I mostly worry about money. That side is tough. And yes lots of obstacles - never going out, have to do every single blardy thing alone (washing in and out and ironed, take to and pick up ds from school, cook every meal, make every packed lunch, remember every appointment and also fix anything that breaks, do every single bedtime etc) and it's very tiring.

But what choice is there? Our babies need us, they love us. Also my life would be dull beyond compare without my son in it. His father on the other hand...well, pass the beer nuts eh? What a loser.

the only alternative is that my kids go into care as I have no family at all.
Although I think they'll be better off financially in care, they're already lost one parent and I don't want them to lose two.

The DC's doing well at school, having friends, getting on in life, imagining them getting a (decent) degree in 18 odd years time. Seriously, that's all I can aim for.

Day to day is so tough right now. It's much harder now DS is at school as it's so much more hectic. It was a doddle when I was still on maternity leave just after XP was kicked out 3yrs ago.

Although I might be able to get some unpaid parental leave this month which is HUGELY motivating . I need a break while they're at school / nursery as I'm not a very calm mummy at the moment.

Limited.. Yes lack of money is a huge issue isnt it? Yes of course our babies need us :) they are my world. Its just so so tough sometimes, with everything to think about.
Amizin.. you are doing a great job, all you single mummies are!
Meg.. I have so much going on, I cant wait to feel settled in all those things. Good luck with your leave. Make the most of it :)

My motivation is providing a roof over our heads and being able to ensure that DD doesn't do without.

Most nights, once she's in bed (like now) I let the super organised, confident mask slip and slump into my exhausted, weepy mode.

Having a really shite time at work just now, and while I know that I have to keep working, it would be nice to be able to vent and offload to someone when I come home.

Plus, everything that LimitedAppeal said

amithatbad-I agree with all you said

Ok... what keeps me going... the huge amount of work to do, if I stop I drown in it.

It is hard, relentless, no light at the end of the tunnel, the only thing I see at the end of that tunnel is my son leaving for university which will obviously make me very proud and heartbroken at the same time. So not exactly eagerly awaiting the day...

It is hard to be a single mum, do all in your own, have all the financial worries, etc. while the ex has swan off with his life forgetting he has a child. However, when I look back at the years I was married, I can't help but think that today I have worries, before I felt dead inside. I'll take the worries any day.

When ppl say positive things about my dc - make me feel that I might be doing a good job, despite the circs

When dcs say I love you or come for a quick cuddle

dc2 squeezing herself with glee at the party am organising for her (first one am doing on my own), the anticipation on her wee face reminds me how magic it is to be young

A day off!

Happyhappymummy - crap day? Want to offload? Can also offer

What I want for my boys future is what keeps me motivated. I'm a single parent and don't have the luxury of friends or family in the city as we moved out here due to DV. They are my friends and my only family make me laugh cry and proud. I live for them and love it I really wouldn't have it any other way, yes at times its hard but what comes easy in life LOL.

hey op - and everyone. i think what motivates me is the constant reminder i am less miserable than i was before.

its tiring and overwhelming and sometimes i feel so lonely and overworked but on the good days when i have no jobs left to do after dc are in bed, making hot cho with squirty cream, watching rubbish on the telly and twiddling on mn IN PEACE makes it worth it :-) im another EA survivor though so i know its different for us

Thanks for all of your messages! You are all doing a fab job!
Fashion thankyou would love to offload but its such a long story. Yes Piglet this is whats hard the ex completely losing sight of his responsibilities and realising Im on my own! I knew he couldnt be emotionally supportive but financially and physically I thought the children will always have this. He has proved me wrong.
Its such along story and dont want to bore anyone but I have had so many obsticles and stayed so positive and now Iv lost all hope! Its like I have had every emotion sucked from me.
Iv had to finish college and work because of lack of support from the ex and also losing our home as he has stopped paying the mortgage.
Im in limbo right now and crave normality.

Happymummy, even with the support of the ex you need to work (20% of his net salary as a rightful maintenance when there is a huge difference in income, please, that would only be fair if both parents had the same salary).

However, there is a positive point of being 'forced' into work: You get to have some sort of 'me' time, where you can talk to other adults and be yourself rather than just 'mum'. You will also be a good example for your children (at the end of the day you will be doing 2 jobs rather than one), you will be able to provide better for the children now that the dad is, for financial and practical purposes, dead gone. And, most importantly, when your younger child reaches his/her 16 birthday your are more likely to find yourself financially independant rather than find yourself pennyless once that all child related benefits stop. Because believe me, finding a job when you have been unemployed for some years is difficult, but finding one when you have been in the dole for more than a decade is practically impossible.

Piglet I want to work more than anything. Iv been at home for so long and when my ex left I thought this is my time and I threw myself into a college course and worked also but I was paying out more in childcare than what I was earning so I left college which upset me but had to earn money and offered my availability at work. They didnt give me extra hours they just spread the hours over the week which meant extra childcare. It was a nightmare. My ex would never give his time for me to work on weekends so I didnt have to pay so much in chilcare.
When he stopped paying the mortgage I couldnt afford it and goin onto income support benefited us better.
I would love a job that paid enough to live comfortably.
My youngest satrs school september and I have an interview at college to do a level 3 hairdressing course. My house is also up for sale so I will need to rent but as it stands landlords in my area wont except dss so I need to work to rent also. If the house sells in the mean time me and my daughters will have to go and live with my mum until I work.
I dont have any qualifications or much work experience so my problem is someone employing me.

Hello
my friends and family have kept me sane (ish). Work too if I am honest. The sunshine helps !! I have been single Mum for what seems like ever. (my son is 14 and half now) Had a couple of relationships when he was between 4 and 8 which didnt go right so have pretty much given up on men since!!
I was really down when my son was about 2 and my health visitor suggested having friends kids over to play to give me a bit of space from the demands of a two year old. Soon after I become a childminder. Just thinking maybe you could do abit of sitting or something. May help in more ways than one sometimes.

I feel your pain though as life has been abit tough recently (mostly health wise) but we have to keep going.

Happy, I understand where you are coming from, but I believe that you are entitled to more help in benefits than you are getting. If you are a single parent trying to go back to work, and training to get there, you should be getting some help with childcare expenses.

You might also be entitled to free legal advice. When my ex and I split, he nicely announced that the government would provide for me and my son and that I was not entitled to more than half of the proceeds of the sale of the house. As it happened, courts disagreed strongly with him, and took action to ensure DS and I were not made homeless as my ex happily intended. (and a good contributing factor to my cause was that as my ex was already living with his new partner, his housing needs were solved while DS's and mine weren't).

Don't close your mind to other possibilities.

You are setting the foundations for your new life as a single parent, make sure they are, well... firm.

Best of luck!

Thanks happy but Im not in a very settled situation to do this. Well done to you glad its working for you :)
Piglet thankyou.. This sounds so much like my situation. My ex is saying I will get housed by the council and he isnt too worried that he only pays me 9.98 in maintainance as he thinks benefits are paid well. He is also housed in his girlfriends lovely 4 bed home around the corner. New car and a holiday abroad to look forward to.
At the moment dwp are paying the interest as he isnt. If I work I have to find this myself as I wont get help. Also the capital. This is the reason its up for sale as I dont have capital to pay. If I rent I can work/college and get help with rent. The house has got to sell first for me to do this. I was told that I can apply for rent now so I could walk away from this house as he has and rent but then it will go into arears.
I asked the job centre if I get help to go back to college and she said its up to the college. She also told me benefits change when your youngest is 5.
My youngest starts school sept so I can go to college without needing childcare.

Hi just seen this. I can totally relate to how u feel Happy. I am on my own with three young children - have no family here and very few friends and ex DH does not want contact/pays no maintenance. The sheer volume of everyday tasks weighs me down each day, as well as the loneliness. I only carry on because I have to. I have no choice - well none that I would contemplate. I can only sympathise. I am luckier than most people in the world in that I have enough food, clean drinking water, three healthy kids etc. But it is all incredibly exhausting and isolating.

Hey dusty yes it can all seem a bit much sometimes. Im sorry you are feeling this way.
Do you have a any toddler groups near where you live? I used to do this each week.
How old are your children?

11, eight and five. No children's groups, no. How R U feeling now?

All at school! Do you work?
Im in a bit of a situation at the moment and I have no clue which way Im going. Have posts on here as I have no idea what Im doing and it can feel so scary sometimes.
Im trying to stay positive :)
How are you today?