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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex doesn't want me to use his name!

48 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 29/04/2012 08:28

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I still use my married name and am known as Mrs Since my exH got engaged, he has begun to refer to me as Ms or by my partners surname in front of DD.
I just tell her he's mistaken - but am I right to think it's a bit weird?

OP posts:

MrsLettuce · 29/04/2012 08:32

I'm a bit confused as to why you'd want to use his name, but each to her own I suppose.

HecateTrivia · 29/04/2012 08:35

He is probably getting an earful from the new partner about you having his name

It's a faff to change your name, and if you're happy with keeping it, he's just going to have to deal with it.

Perhaps you should be straight with him. "I am not changing my name and no amount of you calling me the wrong name to our daughter will make me. Please stop it."

savoycabbage · 29/04/2012 08:35

Didn't Gazza do that?

I suppose MrsLetttuce, Disney wants to have the same name as her dd. I would. Also my name is my name. I wouldn't want to be told I had to change it when I got married or change it when when I got divorced.

RedHelenB · 29/04/2012 08:40

I've kept my married name - you have every right to do so!!!

corlan · 29/04/2012 09:05

Why don't you tell him you'll change your name if you can change DD's - that might stop him playing silly games.

difficultpickle · 29/04/2012 09:06

If he keeps on I'd tell him that you'd be happy to change back to your maiden name so long as your dd changes her name too!

trikken · 29/04/2012 09:07

Its your name now. Use it.

lagoonhaze · 29/04/2012 09:10

It annoys me that my partners ex is still mrs x but only because garages etc ring me and call me mrs x !

When you have children together it's easier if you retain name. Both my children have different surnames to me I hate it but it's their dads name. Marrying my partner will only solve one name issue.

I would tell your ex to stop it as it's confusing to everyone and could potentially upset the children.

Tiago · 29/04/2012 09:12

I'd go with saying that you will only change yours if dd's is also changed. Then when he protests tell him bluntly to grow up and get over himself.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 09:13

"Both my children have different surnames to me I hate it but it's their dads name."

Why didn't you give them their Mum's name?

lagoonhaze · 29/04/2012 09:19

Because i hoped one day I would have their dads surname

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 29/04/2012 09:40

When we originally split, I did think about reverting to my maiden name - but friends who had been there advised me to wait.
Now I've got my own business and my reputation is based on my name - I'm not going to change it!

Love the idea of suggesting I change DDs name along with mine though - I think he likes the idea that when he, DD and his fiancée are together, people assume that DD is 'theirs' !

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 19:34

"Because i hoped one day I would have their dads surname."

And on the basis of a hope you gave your children a different name to you, possibly forever?

You made yourself miserable about something you could have done differently just in case some bloke decided he would marry you one day?

I guess this is how women end up whinging about wanting to have the same name as their children when they are with a man who doesn't want to marry them.

My children have DH's name and not mine, but that is something I am happy about. If it was going to make me miserable, I wouldn't have agreed to it.

lagoonhaze · 29/04/2012 19:37

Oh do fuck off with your assumptions. You know nothing about my family.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 19:59

I know that you gave your children surnames you hate them having.

Just seems a bit unnecessary when you could have given them your name.

wickedestsminthewest · 29/04/2012 21:20

I hate DH's ex having his name It makes my skin crawl.

But my dear old Mum still calls herself Mrs (Dad's name) and they've been divorced for years and he has remarried. She does it because she wants the same name as her children, and it is what she has always been known as. I respect her decision and understand completely.

But I still hate DH's ex using his name Mental.

The thing is, it is your name and whatever he thinks, calling you something else is a bit weird, yes.

curiositykitten · 29/04/2012 21:25

I still use my married name, as it's the same as the DC.

wickedestsminthewest · 29/04/2012 21:25

AThingInYourLife - it's truly fabulous for you that you had a crystal ball and knew how everything was going to work out for you but we don't all have that luxury. I gave DD her dad's name because we were about to get married and I didn't want her to have to go through changing her name when that happened. Then he cheated on me and became a not very nice person and I left him.

We now have different names. as NADM says - when he remarries (as he is engaged to do) the three of them willhave the same name and he will enjoy pretending they are a biological family. It's a bit shit but there are bigger things in life to worry about.

DontmindifIdo · 29/04/2012 21:27

I thought that actually, while you are married you are Mrs [DH's first name] [DH's family name], if you get divorced you become Mrs [your first name] [ExH's family name] - reverting to your maiden name is a very new thing to do, most of our parent's generation wouldn't do it.

Only change your name if you want to, I know a lot of divorced woman who kept the married name, it just was 'their name' now. Of course, he's welcome to change his....

nkf · 29/04/2012 21:32

Do people still call themselves Mrs His First Name His Surname?

I think it's your name now.

I'm going to change mine to Mrs NKF deCaprio.

FashionEaster · 29/04/2012 21:41

We combined our surnames, which is a bit naff I know (there were good underlying reasons) but it means if exH gets re-married, he will change his name, not me or the dcs! Or his new wife will take my name

zipzap · 29/04/2012 21:45

My bil changed his name before marrying his second wife - because she had the same first name as his first wife and neither of them wanted her to be 'the second Mrs Jane Blogs' or 'Jane 2'

he did it by deed poll the day before their wedding so when they got married he did it in his new name and she then took the new name. They weren't sure what to choose as new surname and then realised that his middle name was one that worked as a first name or surname so he effectively just dropped his surname. And it meant they both went into newly married life with a new name they'd both chosen together which was nice.

I wasn't at the wedding but apparently fil's face was a picture - he was so cross that 'his' family name was being thrown away - he didn't talk to bil for years.

(disclaimer - I have very little time for fil - despite having gone out/been married to dh for over 20 years, I have probably met him less than 5 times and at the last family party we went to, I had to ask who the old bloke that kept talking to me was as I didn't recognise him - in fairness I had been told that we didn't think he was going to be there). Worst was when dh was very very ill around the time I had ds1 - no contact from him or his other half (he'd divorced mil) to see how either of us were doing ).

curiositykitten · 29/04/2012 21:46

I've never been known as Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname.

Turniphead1 · 29/04/2012 22:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

limetimemummy · 03/05/2012 14:54

notadisneymum - you could have been writing this about me. my exh even went as far as instructing his solicitor to tell me that I had to change and stop using "his" surname. I simply didnt want a different name than my dd, I had a p/t buisness at the time we split along with an employed job so didnt want the hassle of changing everything over when there was no need.

I still get emails from him over 4 years later on this basis either telling me i have to change or referring to me by my maiden name. Im not sure whether its driven by my exh or his then g/f (now wife) but as I advised him, it is not "his name" and he has no business telling me what I should call myself. Legally it is my name and I do not have to change it for anyone.

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