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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex doesn't want me to use his name!

48 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 29/04/2012 08:28

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I still use my married name and am known as Mrs Since my exH got engaged, he has begun to refer to me as Ms or by my partners surname in front of DD.
I just tell her he's mistaken - but am I right to think it's a bit weird?

OP posts:

Acer76 · 03/05/2012 15:03

I know people who keep their married name, I don't know why? As soon as I got divorced I decided that I didn't want to keep my married name, as I was no longer married, so I went back to my maiden name and it was like I had never given it up :D One of the best things I did at the time, closure and move on, there is life after divorce :)

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 03/05/2012 15:07

lime - I thought my ex was the only one who went running to his solicitor every time I didn't do what he wanted me to do.....I'm sure his lawyer must have bought an apartment in the Seychelles by now!

I am fairly sure he'll follow the name thing up with something similar - the ironic thing is that when we first split, he insisted on being an arse and addressing all his emails/letters to me as Mrs rather than by my first name - now he's remarrying, suddenly he doesn't want me to use "his" name any more

OP posts:

purpleroses · 03/05/2012 16:04

I can't understand why anyone's ex is using any surname at all with them - except to wind them up and make a point. Surely when you've been married to someone for god knows how long, you're on first name terms!

My DP's ex still uses his name, I think - though tbh I'm assuming this because of post that comes addressed to her - she may have changed it for all I know, and for all DP knows too really. He phones/emails her reasonably often regarding the DCs but would obviously only use her first name, and that's what she replies with.

Guess if we get married I would feel slightly odd about there being two Mrs (DP's surname)'s in the world, but really think that's something I'd have to get over, and certainly not DP's business to try to change.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 03/05/2012 16:40

I can't understand why anyone's ex is using any surname at all with them - except to wind them up and make a point.

Oh, you're not wrong!

You should have seen the look on the mediators face when my ex gave me a typed letter addressing me as Dear Mrs during one of our sessions.

The latest manifestation is when DD (11) went on holiday with him recently and wrote me a postcard home - the address was in exH handwriting (no, I don't know why, either), and he had addressed it to me as Ms. Poor DD must have been totally bewildered!

OP posts:

PigletUnrepentant · 04/05/2012 13:20

If they are so bothered about you all sharing the same name, he should take the surname of his fiance. [blink]

bronze · 04/05/2012 13:26

Is there anyone on the world the sole user of a surname
Tell you went back to your maiden name then met a lovely new partner with (old married name) and changed your name by deed poll to be the same as them.

drivinmecrazy · 04/05/2012 13:33

My DB's exw and mother to my niece used his name for years, then she reverted to double barreled using her maiden name. She then got re-married so F**k knows what she calls herself now. My only concern is my niece. DB (and passport, birth certificate etc know her as his name) but at school she is known as her mums made up double barreled name. I dread to think what my DN's name will become next week!!
All is made so much harder since my married name only differs from my maiden name by 2 letters, so when I (regularly) fly with my kids and DN by myself passport control REALLY ask questions.
At christmas the passport control man at the airport questioned who I was in relation to my DN then asked DN who I was to her. Was very grateful I had been nice to her on the plane so she replied 'my Aunty' and not some randon nutter who was trying to steal her from her real parents and sell her to the x factor

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2012 13:39

I use my old married name for official purposes - and it was easier when the dc where little to have the same name as my children.

but everywhere else I use my real name, the name I had at birth, and tbh it is nice having two names

My dd2 calls me by my real name.

My ex said one day when my official name was used - oh I didn't think you would still be Mrs xxxxxx - to which I replied it is only my alias you know I don't use as my real name - that really did shut him up

seeker · 04/05/2012 13:40

Why would you want to use his name?

FateLovesTheFearless · 04/05/2012 13:43

Another why would you want his surname?! I am looking forward to the day I can properly go back to my maiden name

DontmindifIdo · 04/05/2012 14:05

see, while I'm happy with DH, I'm not sure I would go back to my maiden name if we were to split up, it's been my name for a while now, I don't think of myself as my maiden name anymore, I don't see it as DH's name, but mine now. It's also nice that it's the same as DS's. However, if I'd gone through the bitterness of a divorce then I might want to get rid of it, but right now, it's my name, I just can't imagine changing it again.

(Ponders if this is perhaps something that's more of an issue depending on how long you've had that name)

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2012 14:08

why wouldn't you want to use the same name as your children?

seeker · 04/05/2012 14:13

Because that might be your children's name, but it's not yours

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/05/2012 14:17

I've been Mrs HisName for longer than I was Ms DadsName, it would feel very odd to revert. (Hypothetical in my case anyway.)

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2012 14:18

so why do you want to have a different name from your children?

seeker · 04/05/2012 14:28

I don't particularly. But I don't think it mattes enough for me to use someone else's name for me when i'm no longer in a relationship with him.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 04/05/2012 14:32

seeker when ex and i first split, i was adamant that I would change my name back to my maiden name - friends advised me to wait and think about it, and they were right

ExH and I relocated after we got married - so no-one knows me by my maiden name, for a start.
I've got my own business in a small community, so my name does identify me professionally, as well as personally.
It would have been complicated, explaining it to DD - and the way exH has been behaving, I think it's important that I do have the same name as her - ex tries to give people the impression that DD is his & his fiancees daughter!

And who knows? One day I might get married and change my name again - all in all it's a lot of hassle for something that doesn't really bother me!

But, it clearly irks ex (or his fiancée) that I am Mrs - who knows why?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2012 14:54

So why not keep using the family name and pick another name to use for yourself ?

I don't see it as a his name mine name- they are family names and then sole names.

I like having the same name as my offspring and using a sole name for my use. Perhaps when the dc are older I will get my name changed to one I want to use for all purposes and then get this done legally

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 04/05/2012 14:58

Im not sure I see the point of using two names - are you suggesting that I use my former married name for business and a different name the rest of the time?

I'd really struggle with that!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 04/05/2012 15:00

Having two names is a nuscience. I have a colleague who nearly failed to go on a work trip abroad as another colleague booked her ticket under her maiden name (that she uses for work) and her passport used her married name.

margoandjerry · 04/05/2012 15:22

God these men are very controlling. I bet they weren't volunteering to change their name to yours when they got married to you...they want to confer their name (and the ownership it implies - because fundamentally that is what underlies this issue) on you and then take away the name when it suits them.

My mum is still Mrs Dad'sname even though she's been divorced from him for 40 years. It's her name and it's our name. She gave up her own name to take his - why should she give up a second identity unless she wants to?

zipzap · 04/05/2012 17:13

Op - suggest to your ex that he takes his fiancées name when they get married if he/his fiancée doesn't want to have the same surname as you :o

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2012 22:18

I know a chap who took his second wifes married name when they got wed - that was odd but who cares its a name.

I know a couple that both changed their name as they were fed up with the jokes so they choose lester as a surname and got it done legally by deed poll.

I also have a friend who changed her name back to her maiden name by deed poll and she has had numerous problems travelling with her ds who has the family name- it has caused problems at customs and going to a couple of countries she needed letter to state he was her son and she would take him home at the end of the holiday.

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