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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Parental rights of absent father not named on birth certificate. Please help. I could cry! :(Uo

27 replies

Alisonjayjay · 28/04/2012 19:07

Can I stop my sons father from seeing him if he isn't named on the birth certificate and he hasn't seen him for 4 years? I'm so worried. We split 4 years ago after I found out he was cheating and since then he's been living abroad and hasn't seen or spoken to my son since. He's never paid maintenance or had.contact in all that time. Today he showed up at my Mums door asking to see his son.He doesn't know my address as far as I'm aware but I'm terrified he'll show up at my Mums when my son is there and try to take him. Neither of us want to see him. I don't think he has any rights after all this time. Am I right? And does it make any difference that my son doesn't want to see his father either. He's a smart little boy and I have asked him what he thinks and he sees this man as a stranger and although he knows its his dad he has told me he doesn't want to see him. Can I stop him from coming near the house? I'm now with a new partner and 4 weeks away from giving birth. This is putting me under so much stress I could cry. I really need advice but can't afford a lawyer. Will citizens advice be able to advise me. Please help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alisonjayjay · 28/04/2012 19:08

My son is now 7 and a half and his Dad hasn't seen him since he was 3 and a half

OP posts:

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 19:09

Why would you ask a 4 year old what he thinks in this situation?

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 19:10

Oh I see - x-posts - a 7 year old even.

Why would you ask a child?

margerykemp · 28/04/2012 19:11

He doesn't have any rights now. If he takes him call the police and report a kidnapping.

He could apply to the court for parental rights but he will have to prove he's the father so you could delay things by saying he's not so he has to get a DNA test.

Go to a solicitor who will give you a free 1st appointment.

NotaDisneyMum · 28/04/2012 19:18

Your son will benefit from a positive relationship with his dad.

If your ex is serious, he will accept a gradual, managed, re-establishing of contact.

Don't do this alone - find out from your local children's services about contact centres and child counselling - if your ex is serious, he will welcome their involvement and help.

If he is abusive, demanding and inflexible - then he clearly isn't motivated by your DS best interests - and a solicitor can advise you on how to protect him.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 19:18

OK. Legally, he can't do anything. He doesn't have PR, he doesn't have any regular or CO (whether maintained or not) access to your son... so... deep breath:

Is there any reason you have that he would try / attempt to try to take your son against your / your mother's wishes?

Is he likely to get a solicitor to try and fight to regain contact? I'm guessing you can't really answer this, having not seen him for so long.

Did he leave any contact details for you to get in contact with him?

Original poster

Alisonjayjay · 28/04/2012 19:22

Well I asked my son if he would like to see his Dad. He's got a right to know that. Even though he's a child he can still decide wether he wants to see someone or not. Especially a man who hasn't been part of his life for so long. He remembers his Dad but barely. He told me he doesn't want to speak to him. As far as I'm concerned my ex can't just walk back into my son's life after 4 years of no contact, especially if my son has told me he doesn't want to see him. He might be his father biologically but my son sees him as a.stranger.

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AdelaideAussie · 28/04/2012 19:27

The current stance of the family court is, except when there is a risk of harm, that contact should be granted as they see it as being in the interests of the child ( get used to that phrase you will hear it a lot )

Be careful about lying to the court they wont like that one bit.

If you go to a solicitor ( which you should do ) they will tell you to attend mediation, if that fails then he will have to make an application to the court, they will order reports to be made and initially supervised contact.

You wont be able to stop contact but it will take a couple of years and lots of money, unless you can get legal aid

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 19:31

A 7 year old is unlikely to have their views taken into consideration by the court.

The court will be most likely to take the view that unless your ex is abusive in some way it is in your son's best interests to have a relationship with him.

Even if not named on the Birth Certificate, your ex could apply for a DNA test to establish paternity.

Has he done anything that would indicate he has plans to abduct your child? Asking to see him is not planning to abduct him, it's just asking to see him.

If I was in your shoes I'd be talking to a solicitor.

AdelaideAussie · 28/04/2012 19:35

Sorry but your ex can walk back into his DC life and the Family Court will encourage just that, even if you don't want it and even if DC says he doesn't want it

A good solicitor would just say you've tried to turn DC against his father.

that's one reason why you should not lie about who the Father is, it will look very bad for you in court.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 19:38

And you really shouldn't have mentioned anything to your son.

I'm staggered that you would do that - he's 7. Not 17.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 19:41

GOd, whatever you do, do not lie about paternity if you know the child is his.

It may stall things, but it's going to make YOU look like a loon and there is also the case to answer of why you allowed this man to look after your child (with you) for the first 3.5 years.

You need to stick to the facts here. He hasn't seen / had contact / supported in any way this DC for over 50% of DC life. You have every right to be concerned about this and need some reassurances (on all level - including financial) that this will not happen again.

Plus, there has been a lot of unheaval in DC's life and introductions need to occur slowly to allow for readjustments. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think it's between 10-12 where courts will start giving children a 'voice' so if I were you, I wouldn't mention that you've talked to your son about it and I wouldn't talk to him about any court case / mediation.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 19:43

Plus, lying about paternity kind of knocks down any moral high ground you have about HIS cheating... if you are saying you were sleeping with two men at the time of conception

Meglet · 28/04/2012 19:47

If he wants to see him then make him jump through hoops to do it. Times set in stone and quite possibly via a contact centre. He might be a blood relative but he's effectively made himself a random stranger and I certainly wouldn't hand my child over to just anyone!

I'd bet that any informal arrangements would be changed willy-nilly when he felt like it.

You could get a free 30min with a solicitor to check where you stand.

But don't chat to your son about it.

Original poster

Alisonjayjay · 28/04/2012 19:55

The only reason I mentioned it to my son is that he actually spoke to him when his father showed up at my Mums and didn't recognise him. I also didn't mention that he still lives abroad and has a criminal record of violence. Not against me or my son but he is extremely volatile. I actually worry for my sons safety. He has served time in prison for theft and continuously lied to me about his past during our relationship. I know he has been in trouble with police since we split up as we are still in contact with his sister and father (my sons aunt and grandfather) and they believe he shouldn't have contact either. My son may only be 7 but he is intelligent enough to have some things explained to him, ie the fact that his Dad wants to see him. I'm not going to lie to him. I had to explain that if he's playing outside and his father stops to talk to him he should come inside and tell me or his grandparents. I can't take the risk of him showing up and my son getting in a car with him. I don't even have an address or any contact details. I realise my son isn't mature enough to make decisions but it's my job to look after him and I believed he needed to know some things. I obviously didn't have an in depth discussion with him!

OP posts:

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 19:57

Go to a solicitor and get legal advice.

The norm would be supervised contact in a contact centre, moving on from there.

You should avoid discussing the situation with your son if you don't want it to come back and bite you on the arse in court.

Original poster

Alisonjayjay · 28/04/2012 20:00

And I'm not planning on lying to anyone about paternity. The fact is that he doesn't legally have parental responsibility and hasn't seen his son for 4 years. I want to know if I can prevent access.

OP posts:

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:01

My advice to you would be go to a solicitor and seek legal advice.

Spell out to the solicitor any concerns you have, and all the evidence you have to back up those concerns.

And be guided by what the legal professional says.

queenofthepirates · 28/04/2012 20:30

Oh you poor love, not great timing on your ex's part is it?! I agree with all of the above (although i think some posters could have been a little kinder in the circumstances) but might add that it wouldn't hurt for your mum to get a bit of extra security, maybe a spyhole in the door so she can check who's calling.

Stay calm and concentrate yourself right now, stress won't do you an ounce of good in your condition. Take care sweetie and put your feet up x

Original poster

Alisonjayjay · 29/04/2012 11:30

Thanks to the last poster. I've been so stressed about this since yesterday. I'm just trying to act in the best interests of my child and protect him. After all it's my responsibility to do this and not a man who hasn't had any contact or relationship with him for more than half his life. I don't want to prevent him from seeing his biological father through spite. I'm trying to protect him. I believe he will just disrupt my son's life and confuse him. He doesn't even live in the area and is planning on going back abroad in a few months. He hasn't shown any interest in his son in years or contributed financially in any way. Why should I make it easy for him to just come back whenever he feels like it and demand to see a child who doesn't even have any knowledge of who he is! I can't seek legal advice until Monday but for all the people who have commented on how I shouldn't have spoken to my son about this I completely disagree. I found some information on a government website.
When deciding whether to give someone PRRs the court will always be thinking about what is best for the child, not what is best for the adult who has asked for the PRRs. The court will give the child the opportunity to express their view and will take that into account when making a decision. If you are ever in this position, you can tell the court what you want to happen but you don't have to say anything if you don't want to.
What about me, how can I have my say?
When any big decisions are being made that affect the children, parents should ask them what they think and should listen to what they say. If they don't want to say anything they don't have to.
This doesn't mean that parents have to agree with what their children say, or do what they ask. It does mean that parents have to give their children the chance to say what they think, and then think about what their children want.
The law says that young people over 12 can be old enough to have views about and begin to take responsibility for things that affect them. However, children under 12 should still be listened to. How much importance their parents give to their views should depend on how much the children understand about what is going on.
Therefore the court will still listen to a child under 12 and the situation should still be discussed with them.

OP posts:

hathorkicksass · 29/04/2012 11:33

If you discuss it with your son in such a way that you could be portrayed as influencing him it will come back and bite you on the arse in court. If it ever ends up in court.

The best advice I can give you is to go and seek legal advice, and take the advice you are given.

solidgoldbrass · 29/04/2012 11:46

If you genuinely think that this man might try to snatch your son, call the local police station and have a word with someone in the DV department. You say the man lives abroad: you don't have to say where if you don't want to, but some countries are better than others at dealing with child-snatching - if your XP comes from a place where women have few rights it's more of a cause for concern.
However, if you think that what he wants is just to see your son, you can set this up in a way that's safe for him; supervised contact at regular intervals for short spells of time. This will be considered fair and reasonable by any court, particularly if the man has a criminal record.

OptimisticPessimist · 29/04/2012 11:52

Are you in Scotland? You mentioned PRRs (Parental Rights and Responsibilities) which is Scottish family law rather than England and Wales which is PR (Parental Responsibility).

I think you were right to reiterate to your son that he should not go with another adult, even his father, without discussing it with the adult he is currently in the care of. Hathor does have a point though that you should ensure you do not continually discuss this with him or act in a way that could be seen by outsiders to be influencing him.

seefooddiet · 02/05/2012 21:31

I disagree with not discussing it with your son and I agree 100 percent that he is more than capable of deciding whether he wants to spent time with a stranger

I allowed my bright and articulate then 3yr old to decide he wasn't going to his dads anymore, especially when witnessing how distressed he got even the day before he had to go

My now 6yr old knows to come inside immediately should his dad appear, I also have a spyhole

I told my sons dad he was more than welcome to bring the OW and her kids to my house to see my DS in his own territory, still waiting for him to turn up!

You are right to listen to your son, hes 7 not 1... Imagine the massive mistrust if you didnt take his feelings into consideration and forced him to spend time with someone who thinks its ok to pick him up and put him down as suits

I sincerely hope with all my heart that no-one forces you to make access happen

3xcookedchips · 03/05/2012 09:22

Seefood - what was the motivation for instilling fear in to your 3-6 yr old for his father. Was he not a good dad in some way?

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