AIBU - lots of contact issues, feeling very frustrated!

[jenrose29]

Hi,

I've posted about my ex once before: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1436506-Am-I-unreasonable-to-think-ex-shouldnt-drink-during-contact

In short, DD is 4.5, seperated when she was 2, father a heavy drinker when we were together and after we split. He got so drunk he passed out during contact so I stopped it and we went to mediation and he denied things but said he'd cut down. For a while it seemed it had but past few months DD has come back saying he's been drinking and he hasn't be able to drive her back at 4pm on a Sunday because he's over the limit. Again, today his girlfriend was driving and he smelt of alcohol and DD said he'd been drinking.

Another issue I have is that ex's girlfriend has an almost 9 year old brother whom my ex pays (!) to spend the weekends our DD is there with them because she doesn't like her father and only wants to go if the brother is there. She came back today saying that last night her father put a film on for them in her bedroom (12 rated may I add) and left her and the brother to watch it in bed together, and that her and the girlfriends brother slept in the same bed and have done several times before. I asked what her father was doing and why he didn't watch the film with them and she said he was downstairs with his girlfriend...having beers! Am I being unreasonable to think that firstly his drinking is inappropriate, but also that my daughter and the girlfriends brother sharing a bed and constantly being left alone together while her father drinks is not right?

Then to top it all off, because she was up so late and unsupervised last night she slept all afternoon at his today and had only just woken up when she got back at 4pm and so has only just gone to bed when she's usually in bed for 7. I can already tell you that it'll be an hour at most before she's up having nightmares about the 12 rated film she watched last night and that she'll wake up several times tonight because of it. She had half a tin of beans for breakfast and some strawberries at lunch, she said she wasn't hungry for much else because she'd been busy eating Easter eggs all morning. She has a tooth which she injured and is dying and has been advised by the dentist to avoid all sugar except in fruit...I have told her father this yet she says she ate several Easter eggs and drank lots of Coke over the weekend and, of course, he didn't brush her teeth for her. It looks more grey than ever now and I think she will end up having to have it removed which he doesn't seem to care about (it's her front tooth and obviously would be quite traumatic to have to have it removed.)

Next time she is due to see him there is a big event on where he lives that is renowned for being a drunken one and I know he will take her along and drink and I'm really not happy with everything. A few weeks after that, it's his nephews birthday but they are staying over the night so he can drink and again, it just leaves me worried that DD is not safe but if I say anything I get accused of trying to hinder contact. DD just gets nothing positive whatsoever out of contact with him and every time she returns there are new/worsening issues. For example, I don't have any family yet every time she goes there he questions her about my family members whom she has met briefly to try and upset her/me via her, every time he returns her he tells her that he is going to do something with the girlfriends brother to try and upset her that she is going to miss out even though it blatantly isn't true. Argh, will stop ranting now. Honest opinions on whether I'm being unreasonable please :)

I don't thin YABU - It doesn't sound great to me. Being regularly drunk is not good. Sharing a bed at that age is possibly OK, but depends on the kids. Leaving unsupervised to watch 12 certificate film that she found frightening wasn't OK. Having 9 year old effectively in charge of her is not really OK. Not brushing teeth is pretty neglegent at that age. Feeding on Easter eggs isn't great - though possibly a one off. I would see if you can cut contact down to daytime visits where these issues would be less of a problem.

What was the film? Romantic comedy with mention of sex or something scary ?

Look today you had evidence he was drunk and that on top he was not caring for your dd ie by letting her sleep all day.

Stop overnight contact.

It isn't worth it.

Can you go pick her up in the evenings?

If you don't think she should be at those events have her go for short time and you pick her up or not at all.

They've watched Romantic ones before, but it's usually the last Harry Potter and she's terrified of the 'scary man' or Transformers. I could go and pick her up in the evenings, yes, and I could go and pick her up from the first event but the second is over a hundred miles away and he'd say I was trying to stop her having contact with her family etc etc. The thing is the evidence about him being drunk is only my daughters say so and me smelling it on him, he will say his girlfriend was driving to give him a break. He knows that drinking was a big issue during our marriage/initially after seperation and caused contact to stop altogether before but he seems to be rubbing it in my face to provoke a reaction. To be honest, I think he likes the attention me stopping/reducing contact might cause for him but the stopping/starting and safety issues are no good for our daughter.

I watched the last Harry Potter with my 12 year old and I wouldn't let my 9 year old see it, he's a Dr Who fan too and quite brave with these things.
Can you be really cold and firm with him (when he's sober) and say you aren't happy about a, b and c? I tried this with my ex, asked that he didn't drink at all when on hols with my dcs. I think it came out a little too pleading... and in any case he blatently ignored me.
Have you had any solicitors involvement? How are you financially? I'm just thinking that the best thing you can do is go and have a free hours chat with a solicitor about it. A letter might stop his behaviour?
Or a friendly chat from a social worker.... ? (I have had little involvement with social services so not sure how good an idea this is, depends on the SW probably).

It's OK to be firm with selfish pricks and not give a toss about their feelings. A court would back you refusing contact with a man who is drunk or has been drinking heavily, I think you might even be able to insist on blood tests or something similar. Have a chat with a solicitor and/or WA, particularly as your DD doesn't want to go there; she is of an age where her wishes will be taken into account.

angrywoman I've tried talking to him on numerous occasions but he takes no notice. I've tried explaining the issues via solicitor, again - he has taken no notice. solidgoldbrass The problem is that the drinking is only according to my daughter and I so it's our word against his and he will say I'm lying to frustrate contact. If it does go to Court they could order hair strand testing but he can shave his head. The solicitor I previously saw thought it was unlikely they'd order liver testing. DD is only 4.5 years old so her wishes will not be taken into account.

The court could order a cafcass report, where they would talk to your daughter, thats how children get heard in court. It would look really suspect if he shaved his head! My ex has had blood tests and liver function (same thing?) anyway they are more accurate so you can insist on them. Sounds like you would have nothing to lose going to court. And try another solicitor?

Our daughter has selective mutism, there's no way she'd talk to a CAFCASS officer :( He knows this very well and is contributing to it.

mmm, not sounding good. All 3 of mine have been interviewed. They all talked. I wasn't sure if they would but the cafcass worker is very experienced and good at her job. (I say that even though she has said things I didn't like once or twice!)
I really hope you get something sorted because he sounds like an idiot who is getting away with far too much (as did my ex)....

He is and I just hate seeing the effect on her. She's going to his tomorrow and has been crying tonight and will be up lots in the night. Only time she is ever upset/crying is over him :(

oes she see a SLt or other profressional?

they could help maybe in getting her views out.

if there is no court orer you dont have to send crying child to contact with a drunk ....
and even if there is you can use the "reasonable excuse" not to send her - evidence is his heavy drinking as witnessed by you and dd's response to having to go....

Her GP has said to take her back in June if she still hasn't spoken and that he will then refer her. It is when he returns her that he has been drinking, rather than when he collects her.

I too would only allow contact during the day, even if that meant i would have to go pick her up early evening.
Your poor dd.
Have you been keeping a log of the times hes smelt of alcohol, things like that....this may help you if it goes to court....he sounds like a total waste of space

I have no problem with collecting her, but at the same time I know it would just mean the entire day would be filled with him badmouthing me meaning that when DD does return she is then upset/doesn't sleep etc. Besides, when he returns her smelling of alcohol it is at 4pm on a Sunday, so it isn't as if he is adverse to drinking during the day! I do write everything down, but it's all my word against his as DD won't talk to anyone about it.

What a hard situation for you.
Trouble is if your dd won't talk to anyone about what goes on at her dads then really there's not a lot you can do..
Is your dd happy enough to go there? Does she look forward to seeing her dad?

Precisely! And the problem is he puts pressure on her about talking by asking her if she's spoken to anyone/when she's going to/telling her that she's odd for not talking so I can't see it improving. DD gets upset a couple of days before contact, she is moody and lethargic on the day of it. She is like a different child with him - rude, aggressive, demanding etc. and remains this way for a couple of days after returning from contact. She doesn't look forward to seeing him at all but his girlfriend has an almost 9 year old brother that he makes sure is there at each contact so that our daughter doesn't refuse to go altogether. She gets/eats/does what she wants when she is there and all I can see in the years ahead is issue after issue and it is so frustrating. I stopped contact last year after it emerged that her father had got so drunk during contact that he had passed out in the back of the car and his girlfriend drove them home from a party over 100 miles away, which was held by a friend of his who was a drug dealer. During the time that she had no contact, DD was SO happy, she was starting to talk to new people and all round more calm and relaxed and happy and settled. We had mediation and contact started again and her being negatively affected by it is just getting worse and worse. However, I know that stopping it doesn't really solve anything as inevitably even if we go to court contact will start again and any progress she makes in the meantime will be spoilt.

Oh..what a nitemare for you.
My first instinct was to say just stop contact and let him take you to court etc etc....but I know it's not as easy as that!

I have 2 ds with my xh and a ds with my xp but courts have never been involved so I have no experience of that....but I understand the pressures of twunty xp's and all the crap they deliver

I don't know what to suggest really...I'm sorry I can't offer any words of wisdom to you.

No worries, is just nice to offload sometimes :) Thanks for your support x

You need to push for her to see a professional who can verify that her mutism has got worse silence seing her father.
So have her assessed now.
Then stop contact
Have her progress noted.
Start contact if you have to coz of court.
Record the regression.

It may the only way you get proof of the harm he is doing to her . You need CAMHS or other profressionak involved.

It sounds so obvious that she got better when not seeinhm then worse when she started seeing him.
But you need it all recorded. By professional

Did anyone else notice the change ? Teacher etc ?

If her mutism improves when contact is stopped you have no choice but to stop contact again and have her profess recorded by teachers, professionals so that can be brought up in court .

Have you had a SLT or psychologist involved ?

Her progress sorry. You need her progress or regression recorded by professionals so you can take it to court if need be. If you are convinced seeing him impacts negatively then you have to take action and stop contact. .

June isn't far away but I would take her this week Tuesday.

Get her issues recorded

Tell the gp about the issues over contact. That she was better when contact stopped .
Get a psychologist and SLT involved.

You going to ned proof but it should not be too hard .
Then get the contact much reduced to what she can handle. .

Need proof sorry iPad.

Some good idea's there....one way or another you need to stop contact.