Single & pregnant- Tips wanted

[KathrynWales]

Hi everyone. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant and going it alone. (I already have a daughter of 15).
Have decided to write a book on the subject and would love to hear (for my own situation & for the book) any anecdotes / tips on how you may have coped being pregnant/giving birth/looking after a new baby on your own.
Anything humourous, useful or any problems you may have encountered very welcome!

Kathryn

ooh kathryn i was single & pregnant (one night stand, and he had already left the country before i found out i was pg! - he was from abroad! ) Often got frustrated that there was no literature that I could really relate to and thought if i was ambitious enough i'd like to write a book!

Would love to share experiences but not in detail here, as my situation is so unusual i am always terrified of being recognised.
It was all very hard at the time, and the main thing that comes to mind is when dd was around 6 months old & i was trying to do cc I was so miserable that I didn't have a partner to help out, (I was breast feeding and all advice in books said best if dad does the night comforting cos baby can smell the milk on mum) but since then i have wised up and I actually believe now it is much easier on your own! - unless you have an absolutely wonderful dp/dh but from all i hear & read they are hard to come by !
Basically, on your own you can do everything your own way, you have absolutely no one else's opinions to take into account. You can be consistent with your child from day 1 in terms of discipline, what you get up to, etc.

i was lucky to have my mum at the birth of my ds......i managed to have her in a head-lock and broke her glasses! .....she then had to give me a shower...i certainly looked alot different naked then when she last saw me!
night time feeds were the only time that i felt alone.....i was tired, begging ds to sleep , crying feeling like i was a really crappy mum........luckily he started sleepin 7 hours in the night by 6weeks old...so from that day on, i had more energy and realised that i'd got over the 'worst' and was going to have a beauiful relationship with my ds.....a strong bond that mothers feel....
he's now 22months and i do have low days...but thats because its easy to get tired....good food, sleep and fun times is the perfect recipe for a happy life with your child/children.....you dont need a partner to complete you...they're an added extra.
u women were made to be strong...it takes alot to beat us down where children are concerned.

us women*

faeriemum - exactly, night time hardest. Although actually in the first few weeks, I was lucky enough to stay at my parents' for 7 weeks and they did absolutely everything for me other than feed & change dd, and tbh I loved the night times then, cos it was so peaceful & just me and dd. Later on nighttimes were hard (like I said, cc and all that)

My mum was at the birth too, and my sister. It made for a very close bonding experience. i still get embarrassed when i think about it now though. Have completely put my child-less sister off having kids!!

For me now the hardest thing (and I just started a thread about it actually) is just feeling trapped, having to rely on other people if i want to do anything for myself. I hate asking for help and feel very guilty that my friends & parents do so much for me, just so i can have a bit of a life. There's no way of changing it so just gotta get on with.

The other thing is, i find it really hard to stop talking to ppl about how hard it all is, i've turned into a right self-piteous cow even though i am actually very very lucky. None of my close friends have children and i also have a boyf, and i feel as if i need to tell ppl it's hard otherwise no one will really appreciate it or understand! I think it's something to do with the fact that I'm not working and i'm so paranoid about that view that staying at home with a kid is easier than going to work (my boyf often says "At least you don't have to go to work!" which always makes me so . it's great to be able to thrash it out with him though without it being a competition between parents iykwim!)
My relationships with my friends have changed a lot too, cos i usually see them when i'm with dd so of course it's hard to talk properly then, and if i see them without dd i've not got much to talk about other than dd! And as i said, they don't have children themselves so...well, ykwim! Plus, it feels unequal now cos they babysit for me and i feel like i'm giving nothing back and just feel eternally grateful all the time.

Kathryn- in terms of pregnancy & birth i did feel extremely lonely even though i had tons of support from mum/sis/friends. it just wasn't the same as having someone to share it equally with, someone who was equally involved. I've got used to that now though. The only time it really gets me down being the only parent is when dd is ill (thankfully hasn't been that often) cos i feel panicky then and feel like i've nowhere to turn. I also panic when I'm ill myself. dd always amazes me though she seems to know to give me an easy day

sorry this was long, suddenly on a roll!

faeriemum - exactly, night time hardest. Although actually in the first few weeks, I was lucky enough to stay at my parents' for 7 weeks and they did absolutely everything for me other than feed & change dd, and tbh I loved the night times then, cos it was so peaceful & just me and dd. Later on nighttimes were hard (like I said, cc and all that)

My mum was at the birth too, and my sister. It made for a very close bonding experience. i still get embarrassed when i think about it now though. Have completely put my child-less sister off having kids!!

For me now the hardest thing (and I just started a thread about it actually) is just feeling trapped, having to rely on other people if i want to do anything for myself. I hate asking for help and feel very guilty that my friends & parents do so much for me, just so i can have a bit of a life. There's no way of changing it so just gotta get on with.

The other thing is, i find it really hard to stop talking to ppl about how hard it all is, i've turned into a right self-piteous cow even though i am actually very very lucky. None of my close friends have children and i also have a boyf, and i feel as if i need to tell ppl it's hard otherwise no one will really appreciate it or understand! I think it's something to do with the fact that I'm not working and i'm so paranoid about that view that staying at home with a kid is easier than going to work (my boyf often says "At least you don't have to go to work!" which always makes me so . it's great to be able to thrash it out with him though without it being a competition between parents iykwim!)
My relationships with my friends have changed a lot too, cos i usually see them when i'm with dd so of course it's hard to talk properly then, and if i see them without dd i've not got much to talk about other than dd! And as i said, they don't have children themselves so...well, ykwim! Plus, it feels unequal now cos they babysit for me and i feel like i'm giving nothing back and just feel eternally grateful all the time.

Kathryn- in terms of pregnancy & birth i did feel extremely lonely even though i had tons of support from mum/sis/friends. it just wasn't the same as having someone to share it equally with, someone who was equally involved. I've got used to that now though. The only time it really gets me down being the only parent is when dd is ill (thankfully hasn't been that often) cos i feel panicky then and feel like i've nowhere to turn. I also panic when I'm ill myself. dd always amazes me though she seems to know to give me an easy day

sorry this was long, suddenly on a roll!

oops sorry that was double long!!

your absolutly right, ...when people say ' at least...blah blah blah'....its very upsettting....because they just dont appreciate how difficult it is bringing a child up on your own....its non stop , mentally and physically....and you do need to 'unload' it on others every now and again...because you havent got someone to share it all with full time.

...im classed as a 'young' mum (in todays eyes) and i've been single since 3months preggers....ds now 22months....so thats a long time to have no relationship, or attention...so sometimes i forget who i am,im my ds' mum and thats all.....it's hard to break out of that cycle.

but to be honest, im now so stuck in my own ways , that i just cant bear the thought of someone else 'messing up' my routine and my ways of bringing ds up......its sounds very silly to someone that isnt in this frame of mind, even my mum thinks i need therapy to make me want a partner......(this coming from someone who i feel cant be on her own for more the 5minutes because she doesnt know how!)

.....what im trying to get at is.....i actually like being a single parent (i hate the saying 'lone parent') ...its an everyday mental battle...but its a battle worth fighting.

yes don't listen to your mum!! I feel the same way. And it is the healthier way to be I think. We know what we're about, we know that it is a huge, huge deal to settle down with someone when there are kids involved. I have a really stable relationship with my boyf (though been a roller coaster ride as you can imagine) but there is no way we are anywhere near considering "settling down", and when we do it'll be with our eyes wide open.
Anyway who says we need a partner anyway???

i think its a really good idea kathryn. i was on my own from 3 months pg onwards. it would drive me mad every baby magazine i read if i saw anything about fathers mentioned! just silly little things "get your partner to give you a back rub" etc etc. im sitting there thinking "yeah right". there was nothing i could find about going it alone. i would have loved to have found a book, particularly one written by someone who had actually gone through it, not just something full of "helpful" suggestions from health professionals. lets face it, one can only know how it feels when theyve been in that situation, no matter how understanding they are.

this is actually the third post ive written here because every time i tried to put my experience into words i ended up looking like i was bleating on and having a whinge. its such a long story aswell, far too long to post here.

you are both fab! i couldn't do it on my own..

oh and re just being a mum, that is hard . Even though I have a boyf, i have no other role as i don't work. i've felt like i'm a real bore both as a girlfriend and a friend. It has been really hard getting to the point where i feel secure in our relationship and really believe that boyf wants to be with me. After 3 years ! I think we've worked because we have loads in common, we're both sci fi geeks so both happy to stay in and watch tons of dvds together! And also boyf has a very busy life so staying in of an evening at mine suits him well!

alliep30, have had ppl say that before and it's nice to have affirmation like that but like i said, i do think in a lot of ways it is easier! Actually, reading the threads on Mumsnet really depresses me sometimes because I lose faith in the idea of settling down one day and the thought of having a child with someone else just terrifies me, however great my relationship with my boyf is right now, and however much we seem to see eye to eye when it comes to child rearing!

oh yes, i know hat u mean. i suppose it's what you're used to. You should still be proud though

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did anyone seem to go on autopilot? i know i did. i avoided anything that could have provoked any kind of emotion. even silly as it sounds, i didnt listen to music for the whole six months of being on my own pregnant. i felt like i couldnt break down..if i cried there wouldnt have been an outlet. it wasnt like i could have a drink, or go out and forget my problems. even now, i have no idea how i coped but i do remember feeling so much calmer during my pg than i ever did before and ever have since!

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nightowl, yes it must have been autopilot. When i got pg it was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me, i had a severe medical phobia so was having to face all my fears, etc. (I always swore i'd never have kids mainly for that reason!) So I was amazed at how i just carried on. I stopped working at 7 months and even though by then i was desperate to stop working (it got harder & harder to focus at work, I think i got to the point where i was ready to start a new life) I was also v worried that I would start freaking out when i had nothing to do, but weirdly enough I didn't, like you nightowl I was very calm. I think I put it down to pregnancy hormones, maybe we're designed to stay calm!

sorry for you though rickman

Also, I had a boyf who was really struggling with the fact that I was pg (we'd been together a month when i found out and the angel stayed with me!) so when i spent time with him i think we pretty much ignored the fact (except when we broke out into a heavy conversation about it) - although it was hard not having his full support, it did help a lot to have an escapism outlet (we watched lots of films, etc) when I could just forget about it (or try!) - when I was with friends & family i got sick of the talk of babies etc. Same thing when dd was very small. boyf determinedly wanted as "normal" a relationship as possible, whereas friends all focused solely on dd which tbh could get tedious. (don't get me wrong, boyf was v supportive and bonded v well with dd etc, but we focused on other things as well, thank heavens for dvds! ) As a result, it was v refreshing being with boyf, i wasn't completely swamped by motherhood.

It's funny I know people mean well when they say ' i don't know how you do it' but i do find it slightly irritating (sorry alliep30)
Yes it is hard sometimes but it's not impossible at all and (like bourneville says) when I look at some of the awful relationships people are in i think thank god I don't have to deal with a difficult relationship with a live-in partner too.

Sometimes I feel like I have the best of both worlds, sole charge of dd but also a boyfriend on the side as it were (though not quite sure how long that will last, but that's a different story)

I think once you have gotten over the shock (and sadness) of being a single mother, in practical terms it is not that much more difficult.

Well that's with one child, am sure it's a totally different ball game with four! (rickman i take my hat off to you... )

Anyway that's just my experience...

Anyway that's just my experience.

oops too experiences typed

I mean too many experiences typed (can't even get my corrections right)

HI beejay. i remember chatting to you before about boyfriends, sorry to hear it might not be going so well? Things are getting better & better for me & my boyf.

You say you have the best of both worlds- this is true but for me it is also very difficult I think, I sometimes feel like I've got one foot in two very different worlds, I can't quite fully enter into either world. I can't be a "family" but I also can't just be a girlfriend going out & having a good time etc.(I know, we are a family already, but having a boyfriend sort of makes it feel like half a family sometimes, but perhaps it's because I grew up with two parents and so it's ingrained in me to view it like that. Also, in order to keep up a relationship with boyf there are sort of compromises to make, i get less sleep than i would've done for a start cos everyone else out there are creatures of the night (well, esp boyf who starts work later than most ppl most days), mums try and sleep at night!!) I find it tough not being able to fully be a part of boyf's world the way I would've been without dd. It's much easier for him to enter into mine, and he has done, so the relationship ends up a bit unbalanced in that respect.

Thanks everyone... it seems I am not alone in feeling a bit isolated sometimes. Have already pretty much brought up my daughter (15) on her own so understand well what it is like when they are little and so dependent. It is really good now as she doesn't need a babysitter! However, am now starting it all over again with no2 (a boy!) so is a bit daunting.

My mum is being really supportive and obviously, having an older daughter is great from that point of view too. But my friend is also expecting, and has a really supportive partner, and sometimes I do envy her although I am happy for her (as she has had a rough time in past with men too)

Anything you feel you would like to have read about during your pregnancy/early days as a single mum gratefully received. Like some of you said, the shops are full of baby mags & books which mention 'partner' every 5 words. I feel it's time we had something that speaks for our experiences too!

As for finding the motivation to do it..is hard..always something else to be doing!...but am a woman on a mission to finish it, and it is great to hear how you all coped and continue to cope.

kathryn xx

Kathryn i had one friend who had a baby same time but she moved abroad. However, she had absolute nightmares with her now hubby (think things are still rough with them). So i wasn't envious in that sense!

Another friend had a baby a year after I did, happily married etc, but by then I had reconciled myself to being a single mum so I had no feelings about that either - in fact the opposite, by then I was feeling NOT to have a partner!

But having a boyf who wasn't dad highlighted more the fact that there wasn't one around somehow. In spite of problems my friend had, I think i did have a dream vision of what it would have been like if dd had been his (this is earlier on, again). Plus he was continuing to lead his life in pretty much a similar way to the way i led my old life, so that made it harder to let go of my old life iykwim. Same with childless friends of course.

PS It is very interesting that in talking about being a single mum, I can't separate it from the fact that i had a boyf all the way through. I always saw the two as completely separate but in fact they're not! Weird...

Re the dream vision, on reflection that's not strictly true. I was also aware that boyf would've been a nightmare in terms of anxiety etc, he was able to give me the voice of reason but has admitted himself that if he'd been dad he wouldn't've been so rational. He has also said since that if we do ever have a child together, he will have learnt a lot from me having had one already. I wonder! I did protect him a lot from the horrible stuff at the beginning!