Mum/Primary carer perspective

[tomwm]

Hi,
Im in a particular situation i would really appreciate a different perspective on to help me make sense of it. The set up is rather personal and inconsequential to the scenario we now find ourselves in.

My wife wants a divorce. I dont, but accept that she does so am not contesting it. There are no other partners (as far as im aware) we have been separated for a year and we still need to sort out childcare and money/housing.

We both live in London and have a beautiful daughter age two and a half. Im currently renting a 1 bed flat and my daughter has a bed in my room. My wife lives in our jointly owned (2 bed) house and pays the mortgage (i payed half the mortgage for 10 months while living in a friends spare room but could not afford to now i have my own flat). I have agreed that any money she puts into the property, until we finalise a divorce, is hers.

My daughter stays over with me 1 night a week and i look after her on Fridays (i reduced my work to 4 days week to do so) and 1 day at the weekends too. Ive asked for two evening during the week and every other weekend...my wife is not ready for this it seems and is not engaging with me on it.

I currently pay my wife 15% of my take home salary. Ive suggested this might need to be reduced in light of the time i spend with our daughter but again we've not come to an agreement on this so im continuing to pay to avoid conflict..at this stage

My wife wants the house and has offered to pay me half of the money we put in, so i would get 6k. This is the maximum she can afford to remortgage for and says she has no other access to funds. My best friend gave us 20k as part of the deposit which she wants to keep and take on as a private debt to him.

Im grateful to earn a good salary of 45k. After tax and student loan (i still have one!) im left with about £2250 per month. I then pay child maintenance of £340 so the money im left with is £1910 per month.

My wife also has a fairly well paid job but earns less than me and works part time 0.5. She looks after our daughter the rest of the time. She earns roughly £1210 per month but with CTC, WTC, child benefit and Child maintenance at the end of every month she is left with £1881

So I have roughly £30 per month more than her. However my rent is £200pcm more than the mortgage on the house.

It goes without question that i should and will always provide for my daughter, both emotionally and financially so in principle i have zero objection to paying 15% of my salary to contribute towards this.

However what irks me is that I dont spend as much time with my daughter as i would like, i work more, i live in a 1 bed flat (not a two bed house) and i am left each month not as well off as my wife.

Surely this cant be right?

It seems every bit of support is for the resident parent and i, as a (non willing) non-resident parent have become second class. For instance, i take a day off each week to look after my daughter but sometimes i have to work (for instance travelling abroad) so i have to pay for a childminder. My wife also pays for a child minder but gets 70% of the cost paid for. I dont because im a non resident parent. The cost of a child minder in London is high so roughly half my days earnings that day go on that, then because i've worked a further 15% goes to my wife in child maintenance! Come on!

On good days i think. 'Well as least im getting to see my daughter and ive got a job!'. On bad days i get really F'ing mad at this ridiculous system. Rightly set up to support those that are left by errant and irresponsible parents but seems to penalise those that are no such thing.

Thoughts?

my thoughts are financially what you describe is fair and I would not see the need to change it. Contact wise I dont think is fair regadless of the financial comitment and should not be based on who pays more or who pays less. you should have the right to see your child 50:50 to your partner. However as a resident single mum, I would not relish shared care between me and my ex for my daughter, rightly or wrongly that is how I feel. I would attempt to get advice about more conatct. have you discussed with your solicitor?

on the other hand if a man wished to end a marariage then they would conventually leave the family home, seems unfair woman seem to get away with booting men out.

I think what you describe is reasonably fair - your ex may have slightly more money per month, but presumably she is providing most of DD's clothes, food, etc so she probably doesn't have more to spend on herself. Also the household bills for a larger home are more - esp if she's at home with DD 2.5 days a week, and homeowners can have expenditure on the house that you won't have from renting.

Technically though you could reduce your payments to the CSA level - which would be 1/7 less for each night you have her. But you're in a difficult position if you want to fight for more nights with your DD, and at the same time you make it clear your financial support will reduce for each extra night you have her - so woud suggest tackling one issue at a time.

If you are regularly paying out for a childminder, you should look at whether you could get your ex to pay directly - and include it in the amount she gets the tax credits to re-imburse - and then let you pay her just the 30% that she's actually had to cough up each time. But you'd probably need good-will on your ex's part to do this (or else lose the regular Friday that you look after DD). As your DD gets a bit older, you might find you can do some swaps with other parents, so that you don't have to pay for the odd day here and there.

When my youngest was that age her dad had her 1-2 nights a week and for the day on a Saturday, which seemed to work well. If you push things, you might get an increase, but personally I think an aimicalbe relationship with your ex is the most valuable thing you can possibly have for your DD - so if you can get reasonble contact without court, that would probably be better than (a chance of) higher levels of contact but lots of tension.

I agree with purpleroses. I think the situation as it stands financially is fair. The CSA calculation (15% of net salary minus 1/7th for each overnight) is only the legal minimum and I think as long as you can afford to and you don't have any concerns over your daughter's welfare you should continue to contribute as much as you can - either through additional monetary payment or paying for activities, clothes etc.

The childcare element of tax credits only pays up to 70% of £175 a week, so a maximum of £122.50 a week. Your ex partner will be paying anything additional on top of that, and may not even get the full amount depending on her earnings. You might also consider that the childcare she pays for Mon-Thu enable you both to work, not just her - if she dropped dead next week then you would have to pay for that childcare and on your earnings you wouldn't get any contribution from tax credits. I don't see a massive problem or unfairness in you having to pay for the occasional day of childcare on the days that you are responsible for your daughter's care.

WRT contact, I think you say that currently your daughter is with you all day on Fridays, one full day each weekend plus one overnight? And you want to change this to two evenings a week, but then two continuous overnights every other weekend? Why do you want to change that? Given your daughter's age I think the arrangement you have currently is probably better than the one you are proposing, especially if it could be standardised to say all day Friday, overnight Friday, handover at agreed time on Saturday meaning a good block of time once a week. The contact you suggest reduces quality time to once a fortnight despite making it longer iyswim. My youngest is 2.5, I can't see her getting much quality time in an evening visit to anyone tbh, I presume you mean after work, so 5-7pm or similar? My daughter goes to bed at 7, so I would be similarly wary as your ex to agree to what you suggest. 5-7pm is tea, bath, wind down, bed, I wouldn't want her to-ing and fro-ing during that time on a regular basis.

I think keep contact as it is for now, or if possible aim to collect your daughter on a Thursday evening (over night Thurs/Fri, ex collects Saturday iyswim) and agree to compromise if one of you would prefer a whole weekend on occasion for whatever reason.

Tom.
Sorry I?m not a primary carer. Am an NRP. But any chance for a ramble.

Life sadly isn?t fair.

First and foremost I?d echo purpleroses and say that an amicable relationship is extremely valuable for your dd and all concerned. It can be hard to leave past grievances behind but it really makes life easier if you can get on and be flexible. But not at the expense of sacrificing time with your own daughter. I think firm but fair is an apt phrase. What is reasonable is a pretty common thought.

The other thing that is paramount is to frame everything in ?what is best for my child?. I?m sure you understand this.

It is a slightly contentious issue but you could if you wished attempt to get 50:50 residency of your dd. For some it works, for some it doesn?t. But financially this would in effect cancel out the child maintenance payments I think. The RP would however continue to receive the state support unless you gained RP status or came to some agreement between you.

I may be wrong, but my non-professional understanding is that courts begin on the assumption of 50:50 and work from that point, if God forbid you ended up in court and tens of thousands of pounds lighter.

But I'd suggest you sort it out sooner rather than later as you may set a precedence.

In my situation I calculated the CSA payment minus the amount of overnights dd spends with me and then put that figure up. So I contribute around £150 more than the CSA calc. As with you I believe in doing this in the interests of my dd. And my XP is pretty well off, which I?m actually happy about for dd?s sake, it doesn?t affect my thoughts on contributions though.

On top of that I still buy all the things dd needs when she stays with me. Clothes, toys, books, furniture, bedding, craft materials etc etc. I also rent a two bed home so that dd, who is 3, has her own room with all her own stuff in it. It?s a big expense for a room that?s used four ? six nights a month on average but important in my view.

For me it was a choice between renting an expensive but crummy one bed near XP in London ( which would have sent me into depression I?m sure ) , or a two bed house out of London in beautiful woodland. I chose the latter for a range of reasons. I see less of dd than I?d like but we?re both happier together I believe.

At the end of the day ( or month even ) I?m broke. I earn around 5k more than you and it?s a struggle to pay car insurance or anything unforeseen. Now that state support, like contributions to nursery has kicked in for XP I?m considering reducing payments as I?d quite like to be able to afford some new clothes and maybe a holiday with dd.

Contact wise I see my dd alternate weekends. She stays Sat am ? Mon pm , often another day is added, and we split holidays 50:50. DD started overnights at two years old and really was fine with successive nights. I was more worried than she was. She?s now three and we?ve done 6 nights in a row with no problems at all. The only time she ever says ? I want mummy?, is when I tell her it?s bedtime.

As someone pointed out to me very early on here, there?s no point in being overly generous to XP if you never have any money left to spend on you and dd together.

I think in terms of 'fairness' it's often forgotten that a decent NRP will on top of CM contributions towards the RP's costs , still be paying for a room for their dc, travel, clothes etc etc etc.

Good luck with everything. And as a foot note there is a lot of good advice to be had on Mumsnet.

I've seen this situation from both POV - I'm technically RP to DD, and my DP is a NRP, having had to go to court to secure contact for his DC's.

My wife wants the house and has offered to pay me half of the money we put in, so i would get 6k. This is the maximum she can afford to remortgage for and says she has no other access to funds.

This is the bit that struck me, and forgive me if I have got the wrong end of the stick - but if you have paid at least 50% of the mortgage for the time you have lived together in the house + half the origional deposit, then surely she should be paying you half the equity in the property at the point that you stopped contributing, not just reimbursing you your half of the original down payment?

If your ex can't pay you all of it now, then you could agree to wait for your proportion of the equity as it stands now (or as it did when you stopped paying the mortgage) when the house is sold or your DD is of age (whichever is sooner). Alternatively, you could offer to buy her out of the house instead? Or are you agreeing to give her the value of that equity in exchange for a clean-break, rather than be tied to possible spousal maintenance through periodic payments in the future?

This may give you more options regarding your own housing; you could buy somewhere with the equity as a deposit like my DP did and provide a family home for your DD for the time she spends with you.

DD has been 50:50 between myself and ex since we split, one week at each home. My BIL also has a 50:50 arrangement with his DC's but they were younger so the week was split so it wasn't as long between each change. The latter was court ordered over 10 years ago, so it is certainly not the case that all courts are mother-centric.
I see no reason why this can't be a reality in your case - and it is possible for one household to claim CB and one Child Tax Credit in this situation. I don't see why you should accept being in your DD's life for significantly less than 50% of the time just because your ex doesn't want you to be, and the earlier it is established, the more routine it becomes for your DD.

You might be interested to read Karen Woodalls latest blog which indicates that things are likely to change and that an assumption of shared care, with associated sharing of benefits is going to become a reality - which might help you in the longer term:

Karen Woodalls Blog

Thank you all for you input. I appreciate it.

Regarding the financial situation i (on a good day) agree. If it was terribly unjust then i would be kicking up more of a fuss. Plus, im not really interested in the money, aside from the fact of what it allows me to provide for my daughter and our relationship.

However, i still feel that its a crazy system that says even if we were sharing 50% of all care and therefore costs that someone still has to pay the other money and only one person can to be the RP and are eligible for financial help. It's so frustrating. Im sure only other NRP or those who have experienced partners who are NRP can understand this frustration.

Its not really about the money is it. I mean money comes and goes. Its about being labelled a non-resident parent when i dont want to be non-resident. I want to reside with my daughter to impact upon and be impacted by her life...on a daily basis. I dont want 'contact'...i really hate the word. I want a relationship which we all know is about the small little things in life.

Unfortunately the courts in this country do not start from a 50/50 perspective. In places like Sweden i believe they do and its only in extenuating circumstances where that has to be altered. Over here they start from a 'what is in the best interest of the child' perspective, which is only right. However this most often translates as the status quo. Spending time with her father seems to come quite far down on the scale it seems. So because in our marriage we had a setup where i was the primary provider and my wife was the primary carer (and bare in mind this went on only for a year before we split), this is what continues after divorce? Surely not. Surely we re-evaluate how to be parents in a split family.

Some parents do, as with notadisneymum, but this is only if agreed thing between the parents. My wife is not agreeing to it because a)she doesn't want to (as festi honestly admitted she wouldn't) and b) because the legal system backs her every move not to.

All i can say is i would love to have the choice to work part time, spend lots of time with my daughter, live in a bigger house and still have as much money as i do now. I dont have that choice and thats what is most painful i think.

Thanks again

Realistically though, if your job involves foreign travel, you wouldn't really be able to be a full time carer to your DD (or even a half time one) without falling back on someone else to look after her when you're away, would you? The courts would back your wife, because they generally consider that whatever split of work and childcare you had in place before you split up is what should stay.

If I'm really honest, I'd have been just like your wife when I first split up (DCs were 3.5 and a baby) - would have resisted any suggestion of 50-50. I felt that at that age I was (and wanted to be) their primary carer. I didn't have in my head a model of children going happily between two homes - I felt they needed one main home and one that they went to visit their other parent. And I wanted to be seen as a parent with residence - I blamed my ex for the split, and didn't want him appearing to be the good guy in anyone's eyes by having the DCs half the time.

But 8 years on, I'm much more relaxed about it all. I've learned that - even though we don't split it 50-50, my DCs do very much feel they have two homes. I've learnt that my ex, despite being a rubbish partner, isn't doing a bad job of being a dad - and I no longer wish to punish him for being a rubbish partner. And I feel that as they get older, my DCs' needs have changed and they can definitely cope more easily with being away from me for longer periods.

What I'm saying is - if you settle for whatever your wife is prepared to do right now, as long as it leaves the door open for a co-operative sharing of parenting, you can still be a great dad, without necessarily having your DD 50% of the time. We'd all love to work part time but have the same money, but earning money to support your DD is also a valid and good thing to do as her father.

Its about being labelled a non-resident parent when i dont want to be non-resident. I want to reside with my daughter to impact upon and be impacted by her life...on a daily basis. I dont want 'contact'...i really hate the word. I want a relationship which we all know is about the small little things in life.

Ah, now, my exH has made my life very, very hard because he also believes this.

He has fought me, because I follow the system, in order to try and create a "special case" for DD as he does not believe the legalities of her having a single "home" apply. He has changed her address with the local authority education dept in order to try and and influence the school admission system. He has placed a Mail Forward service on post delivered to her at my address, he has applied for subsidised travel from his address, he has tried to change the GP she was registered with.....all because he doesn't like the fact that my address is referred to as primary residence.

I have continually reinforced to him that I believe that DD has two homes, emotionally and practically. For the the purposes of government administration, however, her primary residence is with me. My exH does pay CM (via the CSA), but I am financially responsible for providing DD with everything she needs - school uniform, trips, essential clothing, paying for clubs etc.

We have tried various other approaches, but his demands regarding what he expects me to do have been such that this is the least acrimonious way of dealing with financial matters.

I have even offered him the chance to take on this responsibility from me. I have said that if he wants his home to be primary residence then we can look into achieving that. He has continually refused. He wants to achieve something which is only now being introduced into government policy, and will take years to become reality.

I understand that the term "contact" is not an accurate description of the role that you want to play in your DD life. However, if you get too hung up on labels, then you might lose sight of what is actually important.

My ex instructed his solicitor to write to me and requested I acknowledge a "shared care" agreement between us. I asked him what he meant, and how it was different to what we already had. He admitted that he considered the way we were parenting was "shared care" but that he wanted me to call it that. Is a label really so important that you would seek legal intervention to achieve it?

I am a father and we do shared-care.

But I do think men have to learn, that the status-quo is what the courts like.
So if you want to do 50-50 after separation you really have to do it before separation.

Thanks purpleroses for your honesty. It is very refreshing. Im glad that you are in a place you seem happy with.
like i said, to me the most painful thing is not having any choice and to use your words i can really only 'settle for whatever your wife is prepared to do right now'. Its just so frustrating that she does not have to settle for anything because the system backs everything she wants. Nor do i technically because i could take her to court. But a) it would cost me money i dont have and my wife would get more legal support than me, because she earns less, even though we've already established that our expendable income is roughly the same b) im not going to take the mother of my child to court, c) i will loose

notadisneymum: its not really about the label i agree and i have not and will not start any legal proceedings to change any naming or such. However, the naming of this is very very important and not merely a taxonomic exercise. Names are symbolic and they give meaning to things. I did not have 'contact' with my daughter before our split, i spent time with her. I see no reason why 'spending time with' is not a more appropriate and accurate description of the relationship that i want and should have with my daughter. Its the relationship with my wife that has changed and that has a name, divorce. The relationship with my daughter should not.

Wars have been fought over the naming of things. 'Translations' is a great play exploring this. The name' contact' would not be an issue at all if indeed it is named a setup which was egalitarian but it doesn't. It suports the idea that one parent is more important in the life of a child than the other and this is not right.

Huansagain: Thats for your thoughts and i agree with you. but that is an impossible situation. While married we were both happy with the setup, it was an arrangement that was part and parcel of us being married and committed to one another and our family for life.

Through divorce the rules of the game have changed. Therefore i believe everything should be re-evaluated. I could work more part time logistically i.e get more time off work. But financially i could not afford to do so because i will get no support from the government or from my wife because again, legally only one person can be the primary carer.

I hope my wife in time can come to accept shared parenting in some form. For now i just wait.

purpleorses: one other question. You say 'And I feel that as they get older, my DCs' needs have changed and they can definitely cope more easily with being away from me for longer periods'.

How much of this feeling do you think was about you and how much in reality was about the children? The reason i ask is that my wife is also being very controlling about me spending holiday time with my daughter. I've been 'allowed' 3 nights with her last summer. Yet she has been away on three 1 week holidays in the last year. She asked me all times and of course i said yes, expecting a reciprocal result..but alas, no.

I think being away from either parent is distressing for the child. When i was asked to move out our daughter went through a very upsetting 2 month period of violently banging her head against the wall or cot (to the point of horrid purple bruising) when going to bed until she exhausted herself. Obviously we padded it as best we could but it was just her acting out of her unknown emotions. I dont think it was a coincidence that it happend when i wasn't around as much and when all the photos of me in the house were taken down.

However, if my wife wants divorce then we are going to be separated from our daughter for periods of time. It is an unwinable argument with my wife because when i ask her why i cant have her more she just says 'i dont think she (our daughter) is ready'. To which i respond 'ok, on what basis do you say that and when will you known that she is ready?'. To which i get no reply.

I understand intuation plays a big part and i fully understand the attachment but what i cant stand is the dishonesty and hiding behind our daughter. Not once has my wife come out and said 'i want to be with our daughter and when you have her i cant be so i dont want you to have her'. At least those are facts we can work with and talk around. instead its always shrouded in this rather nebulous 'whats best for our daughter' argument.

Tom I may be wrong, but I honestly think that unless you stop acquiescing to your ex, you will be further and further sidelined in your DDs life.

You are right, you probably (but not definitely) wouldn't get 50:50 care of your DD through court. But you would get care based on an independent assessment of your DDs needs - not the assessment of a women who dislikes you intensely and probably can't distinguish between feelings of protection towards your DD and hatred towards you, at least, at the moment.

Have you considered mediation - setting out a shared care arrangement that you can compromise on - and when your ex says your DD isn't ready - tell her that you don't agree with her so would like a compromise to be reached! A good mediator will give you both time to get your pov across - and will advocate on behalf of your DD if necessary.

It is not rude, or unreasonable, to disagree with your exW position regarding your DDs best interests. You are not an ogre or abusive if you do that.

Passively accepting it and believing that she has the system on her side will only perpetuate the situation

Yeah, notadisneymum i know you are right. Of course im not an ogre and certainly not abusive. its very difficult not to feel this way though when im being treated like that by the person that knows me best. Also we have tried mediation but it was too eraly on in our split. I know this at the time, i told my wife i wasn't ready and i didnt think 'we' were ready to talk rationally but she insisted so i agreed to go.

it was a waste of time because as i thought my wife didnt want to talk really she wanted what she wanted and she wanted it to be ratified by someone else.

I didn't find our mediator particularly containing and allowed both of us to resort to our juvenile selves. We've had much more success when talking with close friends present (my suggestion and something now insist upon if we talk). Because that makes us behave like adults...our friends know us and we cant get away with behaving like children.

Im not and ogre or abusive but Interestingly, my wife was taken aside and into another room after our first mediation session to check she was not being abused. Again a small thing and of course i know why they do it, but its these small things that all add up to the feeling of just being second class.

'All parents are equal but some are more equal than others'

Tom

There is as I'm sure you realize a difference between what your wife thinks is right for your daughter and what is actually right for your daughter.

You were 'allowed' three nights in the summer holidays. Do you mean that was the total extra time or that was the longest consecutive time ? If the former it's not on. You are her dad. The system is not so skewed that you'd have to accept that and you'd be letting your dd down by accepting it. That is what I told myself when in a similar situation.

My XP, also controlling, also started using language like ' I'll let you see dd on such and such day' , 'I will allow you to see dd' , ' I'll give you time with dd'. Me reminding her, calmly, that dd had a right to a decent relationship with her dad and it had nothing to do with XP 'allowing it' fell of deaf ears.

The 'system' may not be favourable to shared care but at the very least you should be getting alt weekends overnights and half the holidays any solicitor will tell you or your wife this.

My XP thought dd should be 7 years old before staying overnight. 7 years old ! She started trying to organize activities every weekend to block my weekend access.

In my case I agreed that whilst XP took dd away on holidays I'd err on the side of caution and use 'my' holiday allocation in short but frequent slots as I was anxious about dd missing her mum.

But in practice ( XP had to go away for a week ) at 2.5 dd stayed with me for five nights and was absolutely fine. And given how much time you spend with your dd there is no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't be taking her away on holidays too.

You shouldn't be letting this go on. You risk setting a precedence the longer you accept it. You are her dad.

purpleorses: one other question. You say 'And I feel that as they get older, my DCs' needs have changed and they can definitely cope more easily with being away from me for longer periods'.

A bit of both really I think - though for me it was more about getting used to being away from them - rather than it getting easier just on its own as they get older - the first time he took them for a night felt strange, then I got used to it. The first time he had them for a whole week, similarly.

But my DD is younger and definitely does miss me when she's there for more than a weekend. She says so, and is very pleased to see me again when she returns. That said, it's not a major issue - she copes fine. But we've only recently changed to the kids going for a whole weekend including over til Monday morning, rather than back on a Sunday evening - I felt they could cope fine with it, whereas I had felt previously that it was nice to have DD back on a Sunday evening and see her before she was off to school on Monday. DS, who is older, doesn't seem to be bothered really how long he goes to each house.

I don't often come onto this site but since very recently becoming a single parent to a 2 year old, I have found myself on here more regularly... its so refreshing to read of considered and balanced viewpoints and something I sincerely hope to work towards despite my currently worsening situation.

I recently found this post and wanted to share. I'm sure it is not everyone's cup of tea but it is certainly food for thought...

theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2749

Just a very quick post as it is late but Mr Gin you mention "getting half the holidays". My ex (NRP) is claiming this BUT is actually not looking after our child during this time. The child is being dumped on relatives for child care. So if you ask for half the holidays make sure you are doing the care during that time otherwise I think it is a control issue over the ex partner, rather than being about what's best for the child.

veryconfused It can depend upon lots of different things about your situation, as a NRP I have half the holidays, and my Ex has the other half. Half the holidays plus all those pesky inset days soon add up to more than 28 days holiday. In addition as children get older I feel it gradually gets less about 'being with them' and more about 'being responsible'. I know many parents that aren't even split that 'dump' the child with relatives due to work commitments even in the holidays (although I like to think of it as relatives helping out), and what about school holiday clubs are they just set up for parents that are more interested in work than their children?

Bahh sorry don't want to take the thread too off topic, just seems your post is a little harsh.

I agree with whiteandnerdy. School holidays can be a massive problem for working parents, and I think as much as possible the responsibility for childcare needs to be shared. That's not to say that it can't be used as a measure of control, but equally refusing to share childcare or attaching conditions to the share of childcare so that the RP is able to work can also be a method of control against the RP. My ex chose the latter

I do think probably the hardest part of parenting after a split is that often both parents wholeheartedly believe that what they want is what is best, and so by default the other parent appears to them to be wrong and selfish. A difference in parenting styles or opinion is not necessarily selfish or controlling.

veryconfused

Well yes and no I guess.

I don't think it has to be about control.

Though I see it can be.

My dd goes to nursery three days a week so she's in childcare when with mum. I don't see that as a control issue.

Well..... I do actually....but that's a whole other story. And tbh it's not helpful to dwell on it.

I'm just saying as WhiteandNerdy said situations are different.

I'm not saying your XP isn't motivated by control, but it doesn't have to be negative if dc are spending time with wider familly unless dc are unhappy.

I only have so much holiday from work. It doesn't cover half the holidays, less so as i take non school holiday days off if XP asks me to look after dd for some reasons.

Essentially all my holiday days are dedicated to dd. I work with XP in deciding when to take those days off.

But I'm aware XP, who is freelance, won't in the school hols, have nursery to put dd into so the pressure is on her if I don't take dd off her hands.

If XP is happy to pick up more time in the hols, fine. If XP said I'd need to take dd half the hols I'd work it out but I'd have to ask for help from family. And thankfully my family are keen on spending time with dd.

Depends very much whether you are both working or not. If you are, then stretching even two parents' worth of leave over the school holidays will always be difficult, so most RPs would appreciate their ex taking the kids for up to half the time, and would probably expect some sort of childcare as well - and this could just as easily be when with the NRP.

If one parent isn't working in the holidays it would seem a bit unnecessary for the other parent to insist on having them for half the holidays only to send them to childcare or farm them out round relatives - they won't see the DCs any more than if they were at school, so I think the parent who's not working would rightly feel a bit miffed to see half the holidays used up in that way.

Me and my ex both work - I wish he'd take them a bit more than the 2 weeks he does each year as that still leaves 11 weeks of school holidays to manage with my 6 weeks leave.

The OP states that his ex is working, so as long as things are amicable he should be in a strong position to have his DD for a good chunk of the holidays, once his DD reaches school age.

I hope I'm not coming across as too horrible to OP here, but just wanted to weigh in with something that he may not have considered (possibly way off the mark for your actual situation, but obviously I don't know the ins and outs of it).

You mention that you would really like to work less hours and spend more tme with dd, you also mention that you're on good money. Your XP is, clearly, on less as she receives Tax Credits (in fact, if she is getting 70% of childcare costs - as someone mentioned, up to a maximum of £175) then her income is likely to be significantly lower than yours.

This all reflects the way that the 'system' is set up. It was operating even before the two of you separated. It was assuming that women are the primary carers, and to some extent your XP was (perhaps - again, I could be way off the mark in your situation) bearing the brunt of this prejudice. She has (I'm guessing?) taken maternity leave or a career break while she had your daughter, her career has been damaged, and all the while you were lucky enough to be able to continue building yours. In my view, although not everything she's doing is necessarily the right thing, I think you've got to remember all of this when considering the situation you have found yourselves in.

Hope it all works out anyway.

I agree wholeheartedly with the last post. I get tax credits, but only do because i have a rubbish salary that places our household below the poverty line. If my salary was bit better I wouldn't be entitled to anything, regardless of the fact that exh earns 7 times as much as I do (but choses not to pay child maintenace as he should because the 'state is taking care of us'

WRT a NRP working during contact time and relying on family members to take care of their DCs - two things occur to me.

The first is that unless the RP facilitates a relationship between the DCs and the NRP wider family, then surely it is essential that the DCs contact time includes time with GPs and other family members? Why shouldn't a DC spend some holiday time in their GPs care? Contact is not for the benefit of the NRP.

Secondly, it is very easy for a EOW NRP to fall into a role of 'Disney parent' - creating an unrealistic impression of their lives to the DCs. It is important that the DCs realise that their NRP life isn't always about takeouts, cinema trips and theme parks - and experiencing a NRP going to work is a way of ensuring that the DCs get to know that parent on a day-to-day capacity.
Some DCs I know have never seen their NRP in their work uniform, for instance - how sad is that ?