how to manage dd not wanting to spend time with her dad.

[festi]

DD is 6 and occassionaly gets upset and cries when she is seeing her dad, saying she does not want to sleep at her or go to her dads. She says she is bored there and he does not do anything with her, this is generaly not true. He does do things with her and other times he does not do alot with her. No different than my self. However his expectations of her are quite high and he is a bit impatient with her, sets some quite strickt rules but nothiong unreasonable, just different to me and if there are big diffences that I feel are unreasonable we are able to communicate about these things.

I am in two minds in negotiating with dd and saying she needs to see him but not sleep over, to just saying sorry but you must spend time with him and playing it down. Today and on another occassion she went off very upset. I find this upsetting b ut according to him she settles well once they set off in the car and occassionaly asks to be taken home in the evening, but not every over night stay. He tells dd that I need a break, However I disagree with this as it is about them having time together. I did say this to him today in front of her, when he gave her the mum needs a break routine, I did say No, its about me needing a break, because I dont need a break from DD, it is about you guys spending time together.

How do other people handle similar situations do you let the children dictate or set the amout of time etc? I just cant see the reason why she doesn't want to stay other than prefering to be at home as this is her explination when I ask her why. I fear if I say ok dont sleep at his, this would be encouraging manipulative behaviour but on the other hand I should respond to her upset about this in some way.

she tends to know im just at home doing uni work, it does not seem to bother her in that sence. she would just rather be here i think.

Please forgive me, I'm a stepmum, but I think I also have an idea as I was the child at one point. Ours was an odd situation because we only had one overnight a fortnight andd thhis was in the FMH, which my dad lived in. But over time it became less and less like home.

With SD we stress that she has two homes, one with us and one with her mum. We know for a fact that her mum uses us as a babysitting service (I'm not saying at all that you do, its just our situation) but we would never ever tell her this. We try not to send all the 'best' toys over to her mums (as cruel as this sounds) as she needs to have toys that she wants to play with here as well as at her mums.

She's not a guest, she's part of our family when she's here (she's 5 btw) she's as involved as a 5yo who lived with us 24/7 would be when she is with us. We have no set pattern due to Hs shifts, other than one night a week. Perhaps you could raise the 'two homes' idea whith her dad and try to promote that as a way of fitting things together for her?

My dd , who's 3, has on occassion been reluctant to leave her mums. It's tricky. Partly as in my case it re-inforced my XP's view that dd should not be staying with me and obviously I don't want to cause dd any upset.

The truth is for us, that even if dd was upset at leaving, she'd be fine once we'd left. I put it down partly to dd not wanting to travel / stop whatever game she was playing rather than not wanting to come to mine, especially as she then started to ask not to go back to mum's on occassion.

It did make quite a difference if mum left her home before me and dd left. So partly I think dd was kind of being loyal to mum as she picked up on mum's feelings about it all. XP wouldn't back me up whenever I said 'come on dd time to go to daddies'... But on occassion when I said we were going to mine as mum was working, I realized it was a mistake and stopped even if that was the case.

My home is pretty much set up for dd and I've always felt that was important for her to feel settled and happy here. She has her own room, the kitchen table is full of pencils, paints etc much like at mums, fridge magnets, dd's drawing, toys and books everywhere... If you visited you'd think a child lived here fulltime not alt w/e

I think she'd pick up on it if I just had toys that only come out when she visits.

There is of course the issue of nightime parenting. I think that'd make a big difference to dd's sense of security here if it was lacking.

And I'd be v sad not to have dd overnight as putting her to bed and being there if she wakes are quite important to the relationship.

I think you're both dealing with it very well. I'd suspect that dad's home isn't dd's home though in the set up.

But you seem to able to comunicate with XP and put dd first which is great.

thanks MrG you are right in saying that his isnt really set up for dd, but I find it difficult to have too much influence with that. She is sharing a room with exp and his gf when she visits wich isnt ideal but that is unfortunatly the way it is, they dont have much choice. they are in a 3 bedroom house with a teenage boy and girl. dd is close to his gf and her children. It seems to be just dad that she has issue with. She has been really down on him last night and this evening to the point I had to tell her she was sounding very spitfulll and spoilt the way she was talking about him. she told be it would be fin if it was just gf and not him as he spoils things. I would find it difficult to tell him that is what she is saying she feels about it, but at the same time she is not generally a spitefull child so this must have stemed from somewhere. I am going to continue to play it down and see if things improve once she is back at school and our own routine in back to normal.

she complained that going fishing was boring and she gets thirsty and hungry, so I have made her some sandwiches and a drink to take, then it is she gets bored so I adviced her to get dad to take her bike, then it is just another excuse. she normaly enjoys fishing, but have to agree that if that is what they are doing all day then i can understand she will get bored. I think I need to just work on her being able to tell her dad thses things rather than complaining to me. maybe she feels he is dismissive, i can understand that to a degree but he really isnt unapproachable.

I don't blame her - fishing all day would bore me senseless too.
DSD often wants to hang out with me rather than her dad / brother / my boys so that isn't too unusual.
I think you should carry on doing what you are doing. It sounds like you have got it sussed!!

I have not read the full thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned this.

In our case, it helped a lot not to give the impression to DS that he had a say on contact arrangements. Going to his dad's or coming back to me at the arranged times was like going to school: you have to go at the arranged times, at the specified place and do as you are reasonably asked. Changes to plans or negotiations about contact was not something for our child to decide or push for. This was for the adults to decide.

Having said that, I had no hesitation to intervene and fight for my son's needs when it became obvious dad was not playing his role up to reasonable standards, which opens the question what a reasonable standard is. In my case it was clear cut, but I understand that this may not be always the case.

Another thing that may help is, ask yourself the question "what would I say/think if his dad and I were still together?" That would help to get some perspective.

You would probably say, well actually, the fishing trip is not that bad and it's good for her to learn that other people may have different interests which may take precedence over hers from time to time.

Ahhh. Well I don't blame her really. It sounds like dad's place isn't that inclusive of her. Maybe she feels like dad's place excludes her in a way.

And a day fishing.. jeez. I'd be bored doing that for 30 min let alone a whole day.

I know it's hard telling an XP how they should be doing things. But really he should be exploring her hobbies not his own ! You'd think that was obvious.

Personally I'd find it v difficult having a new DP with children as I'd feel too guilty about spending more time with someone elses kids than my own.

One would hope his GF would point out that he needs to consider his dd and her feelings a bit more.

MrGin, what you describe is typical Transfer Reactions drgary is a good resource for a fuller explantion

thanks piglet, however that approach of her having little control is failing and as others are adding their suggestions, im considering more that although it is important for her to spend time with her dad, it can't be regardless of her enjoyment, there seems to be alot going on in terms of her giving her voice to this and I think its important for me to listen to and respond appropriatly on this.

Saying that however, im also mindfull that it is not acceptable for her to bad mouth him for no given reason and I agree with you on the fishing, that she should be able to explore things he enjoys doing also, thats why I made sandwiches etc and although he did seem a bit perplexed she wanted to take her bike, I had to actually coach him on this with explaining that it will make it more enjoyable for her as after 30 mins of sitting down she would want to be moving around, It seemed the penny dropped and he understood this, so maybe he is just not that good at thinking ahead at what she wants and needs to make things more successfull.

i will search dr gary thanks 3xcooked

I'm surpised he's not looking it at from a childs pov, afterall men never grow right? :o

thing is you need to let him and dd sort it out. dont make sandwiches! she should be telling dad "i am hungry when we go fishing"

it is not for you to micromanage what she eats/does with him . he is an ault after all - and he needs to work it out with dd. and you need to let them really. or sugest dd talks to his GF about it and tells her she is hungry/wants a particular toy etc.

i would sit with her and tell her to write or draw what she would like to do with dad and she can give that to him. she is six. she can speak. she can tell dad she is hungry/bored/wants her bike/toys tc. you should not be needed here as intermediary really - she can pefectly well tell her dad he is hungry or thirsty. and he will have to deal with it.

is her dad cognitively challenged or something ?

no he is not cognitively challeneged and that is somewhat insulting actually. Yes the fact is she is 6 and is perfectly able to talk but she needs support from me to get her voice heard, he is not deliberatly ignoring her needs and is certanly not unable to care for her basic needs.

The fact is she is here complaining to me, either because she has a better relationship with me or because she feels he is dismissive, or what ever reason she belives she is not able to confidently do this. She is only 6 and so is requiring my support here and whilst i am her mother I will do this. Granted I did not need to make sandwiches or tell her to take her bike, however it was allowing her to show that there where ways of resolving this.

I do not belive for one minute he would take her fishing and not feed her or give her a drink. so instead of taking her word for that I said right O.K there are solutions to this lets make sandwiches, why dont you take your bike far more productive than listening to her comlain and bad mouth her father without looking for solutions to what her perceived problems where. Or just saying ok poor you dont go.

Tbh I think you are doing a grand job of helping him along, and that speaks volumes about your parenting skills , festi.

To me, the major issue seems to be the overnights, if its not possible to have her own room, could she be given her own 'space' in dads room, maybe with a screen to separate and some posters on the wall? I really think overnights are important, and sometimes it does take a woman to point out the obvious ;)

I do think kids go through this phase, though - they realise they are 'leaving' their primary parent behind and worry about how that parent feels and then they start to explore the boundaries and issues (if that makes sense). My DSS went through this stage - tears and reluctance at handover, happy as Larry by the end of the road.

What about if it was the other way round? Half way round Waitrose she yells - "I'm bored, I want a drink, where's my bike - I want Daddy" would you take her over there?

I think she is exercising her power and possibly her feelings that she isn't prioritised/doesn't fit in at Dad's (suddenly having to share him with other kids, not having her own space) and those are the issues that you and your ex should maybe talk over so you can come up with a joint plan rather than contradicting one another on the doorstep.

And I massively applaud your relationship with your ex, BTW, fantastic you can talk about these issues as they come up.

I think my DS (7) has a similar problem in expressing himself with his father. He sometimes comes home and says he is hungry or that he wanted to do something with Daddy but they didn't do it. I have really stressed that it is important for him to speak up and to tell Daddy he is hungry, thirsty etc and if he wants to go somewhere with Daddy then he needs to explain this. His father would never think to prepare a snack to take out with them when they go out and does not seem to ask DS what he would like to do or make plans in advance with him.

I encourage my DS to always take some toys or books with him when he goes and suggest that he might like to leave some things there.

Both DS and ex have difficulties with communication. I can really only help DS.

Should,must those 2 words really get on my nerves when it comes to seeing nrp its just not that simple!

I think the thing most people tend to not get is that kids get fed up with the too and fro, they like a structure and security that is so very hard to match in both homes. Forcing a child to go can in my experience be very detrimental to everyone concerned.

It isnt always that they are playing one against the other nor is it always anything wrong in the nrp home. It really can be as simple as feeling they HAVE to go - MUST see so and so etc which can also mean they miss out on social activities with their friends. Not the end of the world I know but I think as parents we have to listen to out children, think what we would prefer - sleep over with friends or tv with mum... and take the emphasis off of HAVE to and MUST.
My very first posts were about the same issue and since myself and Exh have addressed it in this fashion DD is so much happier to go to his. She has the occasional wobble but its so much less stressful for her. Sometimes when she is tired at the end of the week at school she just want mum,bath and bed. the thought of car journey,playing with sb not eating till half 7/8 and not getting to bed till lord knows is just too much. We simply compromise and I take her after breakfast on the Saturday morning.

DD is so much more relaxed about going now and I think exh and I are too

I don't think anyone has said, or even implied, that issues of this kind are simple, fallen. Whatever system works for you is great, and in fairness, your situation is a bit different in that the flexibility is in whether the DC goes that evening, or in the morning.

But in more tension-ridden relationships, or when children go through a clingy phase, or say they don't want to go at all, I don't think it is remotely appropriate to make/allow a young child choose between parents. It encourages manipulation and puts a massively unfair and adult pressure on to a small child.