how to manage dd not wanting to spend time with her dad.

[festi]

DD is 6 and occassionaly gets upset and cries when she is seeing her dad, saying she does not want to sleep at her or go to her dads. She says she is bored there and he does not do anything with her, this is generaly not true. He does do things with her and other times he does not do alot with her. No different than my self. However his expectations of her are quite high and he is a bit impatient with her, sets some quite strickt rules but nothiong unreasonable, just different to me and if there are big diffences that I feel are unreasonable we are able to communicate about these things.

I am in two minds in negotiating with dd and saying she needs to see him but not sleep over, to just saying sorry but you must spend time with him and playing it down. Today and on another occassion she went off very upset. I find this upsetting b ut according to him she settles well once they set off in the car and occassionaly asks to be taken home in the evening, but not every over night stay. He tells dd that I need a break, However I disagree with this as it is about them having time together. I did say this to him today in front of her, when he gave her the mum needs a break routine, I did say No, its about me needing a break, because I dont need a break from DD, it is about you guys spending time together.

How do other people handle similar situations do you let the children dictate or set the amout of time etc? I just cant see the reason why she doesn't want to stay other than prefering to be at home as this is her explination when I ask her why. I fear if I say ok dont sleep at his, this would be encouraging manipulative behaviour but on the other hand I should respond to her upset about this in some way.

Harsh as it sounds, unless he is abusive or you have real concerns for her welfare then you should send her to him regardless.

Do you discuss boundaries and rules with him so that she has consistency at both houses? Does she have toys/things to do at his house to stop her getting bored.
My 8 year old sometimes doesn't want to go to his Dads but I think it is more about not wanting to leave me IYSWIM. I always say to him that he should go and if he feels upset he can phone me whenever he wants but he never does phone - once he is there he is fine.

I agree that she shouldn't be told that you need a break. I have always used the analogy of toy sharing, saying that much as I love them I have to share them with Daddy as they are his dc too.

I don't think you need worry too much about manipulative behaviour. I think not to listen to what she is saying might encourage this, adversely, because then she will feel she can't get you to understand without resorting to stretching the truth etc.

She's clearly not comfy with the set up as it is, at the moment...it could all change...have you spoken to her about her reasons? Sorry I hope this comes across as well intentioned, I'm sure you are doing your absolute best.

My feeling is to go with what she wants to do as much as possible and try to work out a system that she is happy with, involving her in the discussion.

I don't think children should have to see a parent at all costs, that's my perspective - but then I have little experience of this as ds's father is very uninterested and went off when ds was 18mo. Finally agreed to see him again when ds was 6, but it hasn't lasted long or been very successful - ds is unbothered either way, I think he gets that his dad is a timewaster, in many ways, and the attachment wasn't really there from the off. So I'm letting it slide as is his father, besides which I now have a partner who does care about ds, properly, so the ex has become somewhat redundant.

I can see your dilemma and I hope you manage to resolve it, it's so so hard knowing what's really going on and what's for the best isn't it x

thanks Kaluki, I do agree with that but sometimes think maybe Im wrong to send her, it does not always happen but does quite alot. She doesnt have any toys etc at his house as what he buys comes home here, I did talk to him at christmas and birthday to buy things to sat there, but what he and family bough her where things like watch clothes earings etc, so no chance of keeping theme there. I did dend her today with more than she normaly takes mostly for the morning if she wakes up before him.

I only really talk to him about bounderies etc if something has arisen, but the stance I tend to take is for me to strat the converstaion and dd to then tell him what she was upset about or found unfair. If she complains to me about something I find she just feels hard done by with little reason, I tend to say dad had been reasonable but she should talk to him If she feels he was unfair. But she often feels I have been unfair so its pretty normal for kids to feel they have been hard done by.

thats the dimema I feel Flighty as there is no obviouse reason for this other than she would rather be at home with me.

I've had to unlatch the hands of my two from stair bannisters before and strap them crying into ex-H's car.

We've gone through phases of them not wanting to go, in the 9 years that ex-H and I have been apart.

Overall, I'm glad I have forced them to go on occasion. ex-H is not a monster and he is not a child abuser. He is lazy and unsympathetic sometimes but he can also be spontaneous & fun. He has differing views to me on parenting - but he is the only father that my DCs have & I think it is really important that they have a relationship with him. The only way they'll have that is by spending time with him.
I feel sorry for my two sometimes, when they are a bit weary & I know that in an ideal world they would just like to veg at home & they have to go off to their Dads, but I feel the same sometimes about them going to school - but I'd never let them off school, just because they weren't in the mood, or one of the teacher's had told them off.
Try to encourage your DD to go festi.

I think if she just wants to be in her own home there's nothing wrong in that. He won't have toys at his house for her? That's awful.

He doesn't sound very much like he is focused on her as a priority. I don't think I'd want to go somewhere I had to act like (going by what you say, could be wrong) a bit of a mini grown up? I dunno.

I think one home and one stable family life is probablythe best thing for a lot of kids, with the option to go to another parent if they want contact. I hate this regular visiting model that's been constructed out of the divorce courts. Sorry, no offence to anyone whose children it works well for, I just found in our case it was a nightmare when we tried it and actually, just to know that the other parent is out there and cares about them (if this is the case) is enough. In our situation, that is...and as I said, ex isn't bothered, and therefore ds doesn't really want to see him that much. So I don't force it.

I don't think festi said that he wouldn't have toys for her, but just that the gifts she gets bought by her dad & his family are clothes & jewelry that she brings home with her.
Perhaps she could take a bag of her favourite toys with her festi? My two always have taken a bag of stuff & still take things now, even though they are considerably older than your DD. They take stuff when they go to stay with their Granny too - I don't think it is unusual for that to be the case.

he will have toys but she takes them with her it has just never seemed to work out that they are kept there.

he does have some games etc, he has wii and bat and balls and football and a trampoline and he has some lawn bowls that she enjoys playing there.

I'd really try and encourage her festi. She won't be in the mood sometimes, but I think if the other parent is a half-decent human being, it is important for their kids to have a relationship with them.

Do you feel that he wants her there? Or is just resigned to it, like a duty?

If it's the former then less reason to be concerned, however, you must still listen to her and try to negotiate. I hate the idea of forcing a child to do anything unless to not do it would put them in danger/harm's way.

She obviously has a reason to be saying she doesn't want to go, and it's finding out what that is and what might help.

I did say he didnt have any toys, but thinking about it he does have some things to be fair so that was my fault for confissing sorry.

I would play it down. Just tell her that it's nice for her and her dad to spend some time together - You're right to pick him up for saying it's about giving you a break as that would suggest to DD that you don't always want her around. But I wouldn't start telling her that she can decide not to go if she feels like it. For one thing, her dad could get upset and start fighting you over it which wouldn't be good for anyone, but also at 6 she's too young really to make that kind of decision.

Are there any toys or anything she could take to her dad's? I would encourage him to buy some for his house, or give him some to keep there that you don't really need at yours. Does he ever arrange play dates for her? If not, could you pass him on the phone number of suitable friends so that he could (if he's close enough). You could encourage her to talk to her dad about what sorts of things she does like doing with him, or if there's anything she particularly doesn't like, or have this conversation with her yourself and pass on her thoughts to her dad.

My DD sometimes says things about not wanting to go to her dad. She also at times decides she wants to drop an activity she does, or change school (!), but she's very fickle. It's usually that she's feeling hard done by, or has been told off for something and gets herself all upset about it. I usually play it down and it blows over.

Its so tricky isn't it.

In an ideal world Flightty that would be the case but unfortunately life isn't so clear cut.

My dc have been going to their dads every other weekend for 8 years now so it is a routine they are used to but even so, they would prefer to stay in one house all the time, and for ex and I to get back together and hell will freeze before that happens.

I think the single most important thing for the contact visits to work successfully is communication between the parents, which is often the hardest thing to do. My DP and his ex wife will only communicate by text and usually all these 'conversations' end in a row and the dc get forgotten.

Without focusing on the toys though OP - I'm more concerned about his underlying attitude.

If it's genuinely that he really wants to see her, is enthusiastic and reliable about it, wants her there, doesn't feel it's just 'to give you a break' and so on then that's ok.

If however she is picking up on some resentment about it from him, feels maybe that he doesn't particularly welsome her vists and so on then that's a different matter. Do you see what I mean?

despite my appalling typing

Have you tried dropping her off at his house, rather than having him collect her? My DCs tend to find it easier to say goodbye to a parent when they're already in the house they're about to stay in.

thats ok flightty my typing is terrible aswell. He does want to see her and is enthusiastic, as I say he does things with her. But it is not a routine although he sees her regularly once or twice a week it is on his terms when he is free etc, but he does work shifts and that cant be helped, so she does see him once in the week as a definate and sleeps the occassional weekend or has a long day with him, he calls her mostly 2 or 3 times a week aswell. so he is commited to having her and building a relationship, Although he has his faults as I also do as a parent and a person, I do feel this more about dd rather what he is doing or not doing. I really cant fault him too much and Im very clear not to fault him to dd aswell as I would rather teach dd to be forgiving of people hang ups. She is not at risk or neglected but he is also her parent and if his rules are unreasonable etc I am able to communicate this with him.

that my work purpleproses worth giving it a go, he tends to pick her up as I dont drive.

My ds has(5) started being like that about seeing his dad but his older dds say he's fine when he's there. Yesterday he said he had enjoyed being with his daddy & I was able to say that's good so fingers crossed it's a phase.

My youngest Ds who is 7 does this too :( I find it very hard as in the past he has cried saying he doesn't want to go. Their dad is the same on the toys front and he does not seem to make effort to understand ds's interests. My eldest on the other hand likes to go so i feel I am in a real dilemma whether to force Ds2 to go or not.

well she has just returned, was ment to sleep but she has returned. Im not sure the best way to play it.

she was out with him and his gf, they where at the funfair, had a walk along the beach, he got her a hotdog and she strated cried. so he called me to see what we should do about it, in fairness to him he dealt with it quite well, so I just said to him I would back up what ever he decided. He didnt want to force her to stay if she was upset so we decided not to bring her straight home as this may be counter productive but to agree to bring her home for the night but to carry on with what they had planned. He is also going to pick her up in the morning as they had planned to go fishing. I personally would have not taken her fishing and called tomorrow off, but he is happy do this, so that seems fair enough.

when he brought her back he said they had a chat and that she is fine with over nights if they are going on holiday or if I am going out or something.

dd happy with this, the thing is she is bouncing around happy as larry telling me all about their day. so I suppose it will have to be no over nights for a while. I did say to them that we should give it ago again soon, as its a shme for them both to miss out.

Festi it sounds as though you both handled it really well.

I wouldn't stress about the overnights. If she doesn't enjoy it, she isn't missing out. Her dad needs to put her first in this respect even if he likes having her to stay.

She sounds really happy with the agreement so I'd advise not to push the overnight thing. There is plenty of time. Well done for handling it so well.

She must get a lot out of seeing you both working together on this sort of thing, knowing her best interests are paramount. I'm impressed x

thanks flightty, we seem to have a handle on things like this, was not always like that, but glad we can communicate well on what is important for dd.

You're doing brilliantly and it sounds like she is really happy about seeing him but prefers to stay the night in her own bed, near to you...thats Ok, she is only 6!

She isn't going to miss anything crucial by doing that for as long as she feels it's her best choice.