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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Just too tired to care for toddler properly

42 replies

floppops · 08/04/2012 15:48

i just am so tired. I'm a single parent of a very active two year old. She was up at 3am crying and up for the day at 5am. We were visiting my mum this morning and then she slept in the car on the way home so no rest for me. My mum doesn't like to look after her much. I have no other family. I haven't any friends to help- they all have their own children to look after.
What do you do when you are too tired to cope? My daughter hasn't slept past 5am ever and I have tried everything. I am self employed and as a single parent have to do all the housework and childcare. I have never had a night or morning off. I just need 8 hours sleep once!!
She just tumbled off my lap - she's fine but I am just not able to maintain the level of care she needs.
Don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Meglet · 08/04/2012 15:57

. I know what you mean about needing 8hrs, I get a broken 6hrs with my 5 & 3yr old (night-time toilet trips, duvets falling off etc) then have to go to work. I often fudge it through the day as I can't think straight. I haven't had a night off in over 2yrs, drives me up the bloody wall!

I can't think of any magic answers for you for now but can you get anything regular in place so you get a break in the week? Does she go to nursery / childminders while you work, can you stretch your money so she can have an extra few hours so you can have some quiet time on your own?

Do they still do homestart via health visitors in your area? What about paying nursery staff if they will help you at the weekends, sort of a Mothers help set-up? I've done it in the past and even though I usuallu just end up tidying / cleaning / gardening, it's wonderful to be able to do it without kids under my feet or having to deal with whinging every 5 mins.

It's so hard at times isn't it. I'm looking forward to dd starting school so I will get one day a week to myself as I only work 4 days a week. Only 17 months to go.........

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/04/2012 16:02

You know, it will get better. My DD, now 4.5, was like this. I am a single parent and work full time in a very demanding job. Having DD has really impacted my career and for a long time I felt as if I was doing everything badly. My DD did go to nursery though - unclear if yours does. May be worth looking into if not. You can't always do everything. Sometimes you just have to do the best you can.

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 16:05

Yes she is starting nursery in two weeks- three mornings a week and I will be working then.
Really broke so having to borrow money as is to pay for that plus everything else. Had to pay for nursery upfront before I can claim childcare costs. Just too many bills..
What's homestart?
I too dream of when she will be at school all day! Although I am thinking of retraining then when I get the time to do the course. I guess when they are teenagers we might get a lie in!!

OP posts:

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 16:11

I was previously either looking after her and working at the same time ! Or my mum had her for a couple of hours or her dad had her for a couple of hours and i just tried to work as much as I could juggling the childcare. Have been waiting for a nursery place for a while.
My mum has totally had it with looking after at all now and her dad isn't brilliantly reliable..

OP posts:

Tranquilidade · 08/04/2012 16:12

Second the idea of Homestart. I have a friend volunteers with them and she helps young families just like yours

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 16:13

How does homestart work?

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 08/04/2012 16:23

What time do you go to bed? Try going to bed when she does for a couple of nights to catch up with your sleep.

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 16:27

I go to bed about a hour and a half after her but still find that's not enough time to wash/eat/sort washing/do work/bills etc.. Seems impossible.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 08/04/2012 16:34

Forget all of that for a few nights. Concentrate on sleep. If you are up at 5 you can do washing etc then. even doing that two nights a week will help.

What time does DD go to bed? Can you move that a bit later to see if it will make her sleep longer? I know it doesnt always work.

insancerre · 08/04/2012 16:35

Just wondering if maybe your mum would help with the housework if she is not up to looking after your DD?

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 16:53

My mum isn't a housework kind of person! When she is here with DD on her own it looks like a bomb has hit.
DD goes to bed between 7/8.Then I am in bed by 9.30- usually. I find though sometimes she wakes earlier and in the night if it's a later bedtime. They don't make any sense- I think it's probably as she's then overtired.

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kerbear · 08/04/2012 17:05

Forget the housework-it'll still be there 2moro....!!! Get some rest when you can. It's hard being a single parent, I am one to 3 dc but they are a bit older than yours. Could you not ask your mum to help out around the house for you-she might not realise you are struggling with it all. Or, more importantly, can u ask the father for some help with childcare? Maybe you could look out for some mother/toddler groups in your area-they can off good support networks too. I'd off to help you out if you lived near me :). Good luck :) x

kerbear · 08/04/2012 17:06

purpleroses · 08/04/2012 17:13

Would she go back to sleep in the bed with you? Or would she watch TV for a while, whilst you dozed on the sofa with her?

I've done both of these when I had an early rising 3 year old, and also a baby to look after. Also, go to bed when she does (either by going at 8, or by keeping her up a bit later) and then eat, do housework, etc during her waking hours. You can get her involved in helping with the household, and eat together - even if you're eating different things.

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 17:28

I'm afraid my mum does realise I struggle but just doesn't feel like she wants to help.
DDs dad does sometimes take her on Saturday mornings for a couple of hours which is bliss!
Tried taking her in the bed with me but she's not interested. If I try to doze on sofa whilst she watches tv she bellows "wake up mumma"!
I will try and take advice of going to bed when she does at least a couple of times a week.

OP posts:

treedelivery · 08/04/2012 17:36

I suggest you contact a community pre-school nursery - rather than a corporate nursery aimed at working parents.

Our 2yo started there and when her free funding kicks in next term (woo-hoo) the 15 hrs will be free.

Because they are a community school with aims to help those they serve etc etc they have been hugely fab at helpping us financially. For example her 15 hr week came to £170 for the term (with lunch club hours) which will financially send us over the edge. They have suggested we approach them about a repayment plan [busmile]

Also contact your sure start centre who may have asimilar type childcare provider - one aimed at supporting families rather than making money.

Good luck - you are not alone!!

queenofthepirates · 08/04/2012 18:58

Oh sweetie, I feel your tiredness!

First off, I think you could do with a few single mummy RL friends-have you checked your local Gingerbread friendship group? There's a map at www.gingerbread.org.uk/groupmaps.aspx to find the nearest one for you. With any luck you'll find a bit more support than you're currently getting. Sometimes all you need is a few hours to do some paperwork or catch up on sleep and perhaps you can trade some time with another single parent.

Now I haven't personally tried this but my friend swears by a sleep training clock. I googled and found this shop
www.babysleepshop.com/acatalog/Sleepytime_Bunny_Clocks.html It might keep you DD in bed for a bit longer. Maybe you've already tried it, I don't know but I hope you won't be offended by my suggesting it.

Lastly, sending you a big hug x

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 20:08

Thanks queenop I have tried that clock! No luck-sigh..certainly not offended! I welcome all suggestions on early waking. Thank you.
Yes I keep thinking I should check out Gingerbread, must get on and do that.

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EightiesEasterChick · 08/04/2012 20:15

Have you tried the 'wake to sleep' technique? You probably have but if not, do a search on here lots of people say it's worked well for them.

Would any of your friends do a swap at all, to take your DD for a bit while you take theirs? If you are having a hard time anyway, it might be with it being a little bit harder with an extra child around (though it could also help if they'll play together while you get stuff done) if that then got you a bit of quality sleep time.

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 20:25

Yes that's a great idea but most of my friends kids are school age now. One I have has a toddler but they live the other side of London.
I have read about that technique-sleep to wake. But I'm not sure as DD is a bit unpredictable with her waking-it isn't always the exact time and have also gone in to give her a drink or reset her musical mobile if she cries out for a long time and she then still woke at same time. I think I might have to accept she is an early riser-certainly didn't get that from me!

OP posts:

PavlovtheCat · 08/04/2012 20:28

flipwhere are you? i will take her for an afternoon once a week for a while if nearby. I have ds same age so they can play, it will be good for him too.

I have been there where you are and I never ever thought it would end. And, I had Dh to support me, although we tended to compete over who had the least sleep and we argued a lot but we both worked and had dd to care for too. I struggled to function until h finally started to return to sleep in our bed at around 4-5 am, whereas before he woke and stayed awake. It took resolve though as Dh slept on sofa bed for 3 nights and let him cry, but refused to let him out the bed. Now, my sleep is broken but significantly better. and I still often go to bed st same time as kids. The house is clean, not tidy. The kids have clean, un ironed clothes, but not often a huge variety as I wash the top pile, never get beyond that!

If I had some help around just for a couple of hours each week, I would have snapped it up, so if you are local to me please do let me help.

PavlovtheCat · 08/04/2012 20:29

Ah, I jus saw you are in London. Sorr I can't help as I live in Devon!

Original poster

floppops · 08/04/2012 20:36

Thanks for the offer anyway pav. Yup clean clothes is good, ironed clothes a miracle. Don't think I have ever ironed any of DDs clothes!

OP posts:

EightiesEasterChick · 08/04/2012 21:01

I'm not near you either or I would offer. Tell you what though, it really does not matter if kids' clothes are not ironed. So just take that off your to-do list permanently till she goes to school!

Maybe try the wake-to-sleep thing anyway? If it can't get much worse, then... the trick is supposed to be to sort of half-wake them so I'm not sure it is the same as when they wake crying.

Have you tried putting her to bed earlier? I know that probably seems counter-intuitive but there are kids who sleep later if they go to bed later, and then there are kids for whom sleep breeds sleep. My DS is one of the second group. If she will go to sleep earlier, even if she still wakes at 5am you'd get more total sleep. Really sorry if you have already done all this.

colditz · 08/04/2012 21:11

I would suggest an earlier bedtime, because if nothing else it will give you an earlier bedtime.

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