would you have chosen to be a single parent?

[sweetmoonbeam]

I'm in my early 30s and I am single. I'd love to meet somebody and get married and have a family but this isn't an aspect of my life I find very easy and the thought of never having a baby is devestating.

I do have a well paid and professional job and am currently doing well career-wise: I could comfortably afford a child. I also have a nice home.

I am wondering if in the next five years I am still in the same position with regard to relationships if having a child alone (through donated sperm) would be very selfish, or not.

I'm just looking for advice so please don't be offended if you're not a lone parent by choice x

the hardest thing for me is having no-one to take the strain when i'm struggling. and yes i do struggle at times, like most parents. i'm lucky that i have two great parents who will offer now an again to have my dcs overnight. but in general i feel like life is a constant repetative slog ATM. i have a great friend who is also a lone parent and she understands a massive amount of what i go through and how i feel but there will always be things that no-one else other than their other parent can support me with. things like, am i doing the right thing keeping ds1 in the school he's at. it would be great to have that other person who cares for my children exactly like i do (as a parent) present to make the big decsions with and to take the strain when i feel i'm not doing as good a job as i'd like.

As I have been on my own for a long time now, I am used to dealing with all the little (and big things) on my own.

My children see their dad but this contact is becoming less and less as time goes on, due to his own actions. He provides little support as their other parent.

For example he will not come to parents evenings etc as his wife doesn't like it, (I hold him responsible btw) and he has been getting away with not paying child support. However the latter may be about to change.

Therefore I am used to being the only parent and provider for my children and I can't imagine a different scenario now. However I certainly wouldn't have chosen to be a lone parent as the first few years were very lonely and tough.

Sweetmoonbeam, I don't mind being a lone parent (although their dad's very involved) or separated but I would have been heartbroken not to have my kids. I don't think I could have lived with it. If you feel that strongly you should go ahead. Having kids is hard but people manage it and you're used to being capable and independent which is a good starting point.

OP - What will you say to your child when s/he asks about her/his daddy?

OP - I was in the same situation, effectively, as AnnaFalactic. I was 18, became pregnant and the guy was not interested one iota. Haven't seen him since I got pregnant and he's had nothing whatsoever to do with us.

Having said that, having DD was the best thing I've ever done. She's eleven now, I'm also now married. Looking back, it was difficult and could be very lonely bringing up a child alone. But, there are a large number of positives that I appreciate even more now that I'm married. Being a lone parent by choice means that you have the autonomy to make all parenting decisions. You can choose the name, the way of feeding, whether to co-sleep or not, what kind of a routine you want. I co-slept with DD and would love to co-sleep with any future children, but DH would be adamant that they should be in a cot.

I didn't have to juggle a partner's needs with mine or DD's. I didn't have to feel torn between being a wife and a mother (as I do now). I didn't have to worry about housework, cooking meals for other people, making sure everything was tidy (as many, though of course not all, women have to do in relationships). I was able to focus totally on DD, enjoy her, be with her.

If you have the option to get great childcare (a nanny for example) then being a single parent isn't really any more difficult than being married. When DD was ill and I was working, we had an au pair that would be at home with her. Things like sports day, parents meetings etc could be slotted around work if necessary, in the same way as if both parents worked.

I think, for me, the most difficult part of being a lone parent was weekends, when all my 'mum' friends would be home with their partners and I would be alone all weekend. Weekdays, when DD was small, were fine - there were toddler groups, NCT groups, playgroups, coffee mornings. Weekends, though, were awful. But, if you have a good circle of friends then that could be overcome. In my situation, friends my own age were off on their gap years or at university and the friends with babies were at home with their husbands. Now, however, if I were a lone parent, I think it would be easier as I know a far larger group of people.

Fundamentally, for me, having children was always something I wanted. And I want more children. Things are rocky with DH and I, meaning that I may very well be in the same situation as you, in which case I would, without hesitation, go down the sperm donor route. I know other women that have and they don't regret it.

Good luck and feel free to PM me as I've done quite a bit of research into the donor idea.

I've always wanted children and am over the moon to be currently expecting my first. Unfortunately my boyfriend is not at all happy about it and has been completely unsupportive. He lives 3 hours away & has so far only been to visit for my 2 scans & thats it (I'm 27 weeks now). We argue about everything baby related & he's put me under huge amounts of stress. The only reason I'm still with him is I have a slight hope he may change when he meets the baby and I want to give that a chance.
So whilst I'm officially not single, I'm living life like a single parent to be would. I'm actually really enjoying buying all the baby stuff knowing that every penny of it I've earned myself, I've taken a lot of pride in doing things without his help & I'm sure I will continue to do so. I'm not so naive as to think it will be easy of course!
I've realised though that if I could have done things without him it would have been a hell of a lot easier in a lot of ways. All of the constant arguing is such a huge worry for me as to what it could do to my baby and we cannot agree on parenting styles whatsoever. If he wasn't involved at least I could be the only one making decisions on how my child is raised.
That said, I do feel very sad that its not working out and alone, and find myself looking at couples in mothercare & feeling rather jealous. And I feel a huge amount of guilt that my baby will have such a rubbish dad.

Good sides bad sides I guess!

And with regards to only children, I was an only child and I hate it. I'm 28 now and still really wish I had a sibling more than anything. My parents only wanted one child so they could bring me up and give me everything, and they were/are great, but growing up is so lonely, and now my dad is terminally ill its tough not to have anyone to share the strain with.

Just thought I'd share my experiences so far!

I am a single parent by choice and have a 2 year old and am currently pregnant with number 2. I can honestly say I do not find it that hard and my son is happy, confident and very independent. I coped a lot better than my friends with partners. I am not that worried about coping with two either as have spent most of the pregnancy feeling shite and am looking forward to not being sick or having pregnancy related back problems. A bit of tiredness will be nothing. Childcare is an issue as really expensive but am coping and it is not forever. I would consider an aupair especially when at least one of them is in school but that's a way off. I joined an NCT antenatal group and made some lovely friends. Had lots to do when on maternity leave though going out a night is a bit harder. I do have my mum and reliable babysitter but its the extra cash of going out and tiredness the next day. There are advantages to being single mum and as some of my more suportive friends have pointed out I have no one to argue with and they ended up doing most of the work anyway. I am close to my brother and nephews and there is a very strong bond between my son and them so am happy he has positive male role models in his life. I have been fortunate that I have missed little work through illness as my mum can get to me in just over an hour so I just go in late. Though to be fair work have been understanding. However if they are not you just have to phone in sick yourself. If you are seriously considering it I would suggest banking some money for a year or two and doing some research in the meantime and come up with a plan. Good luck!

I'm a single mother by choice with a 14 year old DD conceived through sperm donation- it is definately the best decision i ever made. I work full time as a community nurse- it has got easier now that she is older and can look after herself. She is open with her friends about why she hasn't got a dad- when she was younger it was hard for her to explain.
Anyone who is considering this might want to look at the Donor Conception Network website. There is also a book called Choosing Single Motherhood: the Thinking Woman's Guide by Mikki Morrisette. It's American but discusses the issues to consider very well.

Hi I spent just over two years agonising over whether I should go down the donor route or not...today my four month old daughter is having a nap upstairs! ;-) my biggest issue was not whether I'd cope because my family are very supportive but whether it was fair to bring up someone without a Daddy.

In the end I decided that I would regret reaching the age of 50 without even having tried - I was happy to try and fail as then I would have at least tried.

Life is certainly very different now but I've been on my own since I left university and I too would prefer the traditional family set up but it never happened for me.

Anyway, If you'd like to chat please do pm me!

I think if that's what you want, go for it but ensure you have a network of family and friends around to support you.

My dd is now 5 and at school. I personally would not have chosen to be a lone parent, I love my dd but it's hard work. I'm 40 now, so don't think i'll be in a position to have any more. Only for the support of my parents I don't think I would have coped. My dd's dad left when she was 3 and he is not involved in her life at all. I have a full time job and studying, it is hard trying to manage everything but you will cope if you have support.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

In your circumstances, no. No way.

There are so many things to do and see before you settle down with a child. Actually, you can do all that with a child providing you have plenty of practical support (ie. doting grandparents happy to give you some time out by taking child from your hands for some hours or even the odd full day). But without that support I wouldn't.

It is a demanding job to be a single parent, a relentless one I would say, and if you have no one who can take care of your children from time to time, it can become a very lonely affair, more so if most of your friends are still single and childless.

I've been a single parent since the start- father left me during pregnancy. Still sees our son on a monthly basis and although it's hard and no I wouldn't have chosen it, there are benefits! I make all the decisions about my son, and we are so close, he calls me his "best friend", I very much feel it's me and him vs the world lol. I think the situation you are in is more and more common and I think a lot of the difficulties of single parents is financial problems/ troubles with ex. From what you have said, neither of these would be an issue. Ultimately, the decision is yours. Where do you want to be in 5/10 years? I know my mum's friend waited and waited for "Mr. Right" until mid-forties, eventually giving up and enquiring into sperm donation to find she was starting early menopause. And no, i don't think sperm donation is selfish at all. My partner (not my son's father) has zero sperm and we may have to go down sperm donation route in future so looked into it a little... Lots and lots of support through agencies,how to explain to the child etc. Honestly I'd say go for it if your only concern is being selfish!