would you have chosen to be a single parent?

[sweetmoonbeam]

I'm in my early 30s and I am single. I'd love to meet somebody and get married and have a family but this isn't an aspect of my life I find very easy and the thought of never having a baby is devestating.

I do have a well paid and professional job and am currently doing well career-wise: I could comfortably afford a child. I also have a nice home.

I am wondering if in the next five years I am still in the same position with regard to relationships if having a child alone (through donated sperm) would be very selfish, or not.

I'm just looking for advice so please don't be offended if you're not a lone parent by choice x

It's very difficult being a lone parent, especially a working one. If you have family around and a good support network it will make it easier for you. I don't think you are being selfish at all to want a child but going it alone, espscially in the baby and toddler stage is bloody hard work and can be quite lonely BUT children are amazing and they complete your life :)

I was in the opposite situation 10 years ago and had decided that I didnt want children BUT oh so glad that nature decided to take matters out of my hands and I had a daughter at 41 years old - who obviously wasn't planned and it did freak me out at the time!

I don't think you are being selfish wanting a child and indeed I think the opposite because you clearly want a child and providing you are prepared for the many changes involved with having a child especially on your own then its worth considering...

However, the fundamental aspect of this is the child....and how the child will feel not knowing who her dad is and not having a dad in her life.... and I say this because I know my daughter struggles sometimes with not only being a child whose parents are no longer together but also an ONLY child...and the later has had more impact as she has got older...the number of times she has come back from school ...when they have been learning French and saying things like "I have a brother" and "I have a sister" and my daughter has neither.....so a bit more food for thought.

I don't envy your situation....

Honestly, no. I wouldn't have chosen to do this alone. Nothing could have prepared me for being a lone parent.

I don't think having a good career and money is sufficient (I have a good job & although I'm careful with money, we don't have to watch every penny).

It's hard work & lonely. It's exhausting trying to juggle work, DS, home & other commitments. I feel frazzled and sad a lot of the time. There's no-one to support me in dealing with anything, I have to make ALL the decisions ALL the time and no-one has made me a cup of tea at home for months. I'm sometimes desperate for a break.

All that said, I'd not be without DS. He makes my little world complete, I love him more than I ever thought possible and I miss him terribly when he's not here.

Thank you for the replies ladies, they've been really thoughtful and kind :) It's so hard to say what the "right" thing is, isn't it?

Unfortunately, I don't have a supportive family at all: sadly, they aren't really interested in me and we have limited contact (not by choice on my part.) However, this is also something which makes me want a child as I can imagine growing older and older and having no one to share Christmas with.

Do you think it is different if you have a partner and a subsequent relationship breakdown? I ask because obviously, being single I have to rely on myself a lot anyway.

I have to admit, if I did go down the sperm donor route (and it's a huge "if" - I still have everything crossed I'll meet someone) I'd be inclined to have two children. I was a lonely child and I'd hate that for my own children.

Thanks again :)

Definitely would have not chosen to be a lone parent, its bloody hard work and exhausting most of the time.
But then i cant imagine not having my kids, being a mum is the most amazing job in the world but its also a very hard andvery tiring job. My 2 are now 16 and 11 and believe me they are still hard work.
You definitely need a good support network and an amazing childminder if you are going to be able to juggle full time work and a young child.

I would not have chosen to be a lone parent. I had my children in what I thought was a good committed relationship of many years

My girls are 7 and 10, so life is easier than when they were younger but there are times I really need a break. I do have a supportive family and their dad is in their life so I know I am luckier than some.

It's a hard question because most of us would not have chosen to be lone parents - it's exhausting and lonely a lot of the time.

But - if the only other option was to never have had our kids, I'm guessing most of us would do it all again.

I think relying on yourself as a single person and relying on yourself with a child are very different. All my family live up north and my ex does help out a bit but on the days your child is sick, has a doctors appt etc that will all be down to you and you will have to hope you have an understanding employer. I don't think anyone knows how knackering bringing up a child is until they do and doing it alone is extra hard and exhausting especially if you don't have someone who can take them for the odd day or babysit for an evening while yo go out. You will manage though if it's what you want. It's like anything in life, you just make the best of it and cope. Once you are over the little person stage it's obviously much easier. Just those first few years which are really tough.

degroote has a good point. I cannot afford to be ill. I've just had a day off to be home with DS who had tonsillitis. My work are very understanding but still, if DS is ever ill, it's me who has to be with him. When he needed to go to A&E (twice so far), I had to rush away from work. When he needs to have his hearing checked (every 3 months), I have to take time off work. When he needs to see the plastic surgeon (scarred from falling over), I'm the one who has to time off work and I'll have to be there when he has surgery. And, no doubt, he'll fall again and we'll be back in A&E. If there are 2 parents or other carers, at least you can split this a little and not be the only one ALL the time.

Then there's school plays, sports day, parents consultations, open afternoons etc.

It means that there is little time for my hospital appointments, I can't have the physio I desperately need nor the counselling to help me cope with my permanent tinnitus & chronic illness...

I know every parent has to juggle these issues but if you are a lone parent the burden is ALL on you.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out. Parenting is never easy.

I didn't choose to be a single parent in the first place, though as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew that it was a likely outcome from my boyfriend's reaction and I still went ahead with the pregnancy.

A few years later I went down the donor route but miscarried. After the miscarriage the time never felt quite right to try again and I put it off for a little while. I'm actually seeing someone so it's not on the cards right now.

I have a really supportive family though. That did play a part in my reasoning, as well as the fact my life was already set up to fit around the child I already have.

sweetmoonbeam I think I'd second what others have said, about having support. The baby stage in particular is spectacularly knackering and can be very lonely at times. Having been a single parent for a few years prior to meeting DP, I found the lack of a back up difficult - ie someone to help me decide on discipline, consequences etc.
However, I don't personally think that having a child is something that many people would genuinely regret, single parent or not. The love you feel for them is so intense and I couldn't imagine not having them in my life. And I am not a touchy feely emotional type so don't say things like that lightly!
If you do eventually decide to have a child alone, just make sure you have as many lovely friends in your life as possible. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, at least you have a few years to maybe meet someone and go the two parent route :)

I hope so, MizK :)

Regarding the illness problems I have thought about it and think if (and it is a big if!) I had a child alone then following maternity leave it would be sensible to hire a nanny given that I can't with the best will in the world be in two places at once!

But it is obviously something which needs careful thought.

Interesting question.
I find that the stressful aspect of being a lone parent is dealing with a really difficult ex and all the chaos and anxiety that it causes. I can honestly say, han on heart, that if it wasn't for him, my life would be so much simpler and stress free.
Yes it's tiring but I have the bonus of amazing family support with childcare and have got single mum friends so manage a social life and we go away with the kids en masse.
I have a fairly well paid job and have the potential to increase my hours next year and that probably also makes a huge difference to not having to worry excessively about the bills (I do still worry but that's cos I'm not financially very astute )

I sort of did choose to be a single parent - from the minute I found out I was pregnant (at 18) my DD's father was useless - one minute he wanted to be with me and be a family, the next minute the baby wasn't his and he wanted nothing to do with us. He kept changing his mind constantly, then when it was definitely over, he beat his new gf up, not to mention the fact that in the short time we were together he cheated on me and got her pregnant aswell!

Long story short, I decided that he wasn't the kind of person I wanted in my child's life. I didn't have family support at the beginning, my Dad wanted me to terminate, but eventually came round to the idea, and at that age, I drifted from my friends because I couldn't go out and party any more.

Different story when DD was born though - my Dad absolutely adored DD, my mum was supportive and so were wider family, I regained friendships etc. I lived at home til DD was one, then got my own place, then got a saturday job, started a degree with OU and now have a part time job in my chosen career field.

The hardest part is when you're ill and you still have a child to look after and a house to run, but I'm still lucky to have good family support. Working definitely keeps me sane! I can raise DD as I choose, my child, my rules, don't have any aggro regarding contact, maintenance etc (don't get any!) I'm lucky because money isn't an issue - even though I'm working there is a lot of financial support for lone parents.

So while you might find it hard, it will be do-able - especially if you go down the sperm donor route - you won't know life to be any different as you won't be going from the nice family life in a relationship to being a single parent with all the hassle of the ex etc!

I wouldn't have planned it this way, no.

My experience has been far more like that of Grockle than of Sassybeast.

Your comment about having a child so as not to spend Xmas alone did raise a question in my mind - do you think it's a really burning desire to have a child, or is it fear of ending up (ultimately) alone?

I would love another child but do not have a great support network. I don't like that my dc is an only child, and would love them to have a sibling.

That said, I am already aware that as a lp I do not get as much "quality time" with dc as I would like (a trade-off from having to be responsible for absolutely everything). It seems to me that having a second child would make that worse, not better, as I would be doubling my workload (as it were), and having to divide what time I do have between two children (who may not even get along!)

Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I think that it's worth looking at all angles before making such a big decision. Best of luck OP :)

I did choose to become a single parent - although my son's father was not a sperm donor, he might as well have been - we weren't in a relationship.

I was very optimistic about how life would continue more or less as normal. What actually happened was my business went bust as I was ill throughout pregnancy. Then I had to sell up because I couldn't get another mortgage. I decided to move to the other side of the country away from my friends so that my mum could help out and give me a few hours off here and there.

On the other hand I know another single parent by choice in similar circumstances who it all worked out for.

If I won the lottery the first thing I'd do is hire a nanny. Probably wise if you can afford it.

Not sure whether this is an option...but given that you are considering (in the future) a sperm donor...have you not considered Adopting a child(ren)?

Thanks again. No, I don't really think adoption would be for me, to be honest. I have looked into it, but the majority of adoptions seem to be older children who have complicated needs and I worry that, as a single parent, I would not be in a strong position to provide that support. I also think I would be frowned upon by adoption agencies because I work full time.

Additionally, I have a very strong urge to have my own babies: to be pregnant, give birth and breastfeed,if I can. So I don't think adoption is for me at the moment :)

hate this negativity about only children.

I don't know if you mean me or not. Personally, I don't have any strong feelings about only children. However, if I was to go down the single parent route, I think potentially it could be a lonely life for my son or daughter and I would want them to have a sibling. I would also love to have more than one child for no other reason than that I love children and want them :) (I wanted six when I was little - but I'd settle for two!)

Is that aimed at me barbaraprim?

My post wasn't particularly well phrased, but I have no negativity re: only children.

There are a number of things I would like to be different for me/us, and what I was trying to convey was that I wouldn't have chosen this life for us if it had been forward-planned.

I used sibling(s) as an example as the OP had mentioned it.

Just as relevant is the fact that I don't like (to repeat the same bad phrase) that dc does not have an involved responsible male role model. Again, wouldn't have actively chosen it to be this way. Doesn't mean I'm negative to lps.

I think the negative attitude towards only children is often fed down from the patent. Some parents feel sorry for their only children and the kids pick up on that. I was an only child and didn't miss siblings. It just encouraged stronger friendships. My son is an only child and having now lived with my partner and his four kids, I'd say being an only child is a blessing!

I really don't see how wanting >1 child = negativity against onlys?

I'm hiding this thread now. Good luck OP.

feelingold- You covered it for me. An amazing childminder is the only reason I can work fulltime

I haven't seen any negativity towards only children either.