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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would you STOP contact !!!!

27 replies

lashes4 · 19/03/2012 16:13

Well im a dad and a main carer for a 4, 5 and 7 year old, ss have been involved for a while now, but are going to close the case, i am still at court and have a shared care residence order. kids go to there mums 3 nights ( i have concerns about mums behaviour) when kids are with her.

the kiddies mum has a new partner who now lives with her, she met him in January and kids have met him, well this weekend her BF is walking around naked not a thing on and i am extremely upset about it..have spoke to solicitor and ss and have been told i have to send the kids for contact even though everyone tells me its disgusting there is nothing i can do about it, what would you do, should i stop contact even though i have been told i could be the one in trouble with the courts for breeching the court order...

i know what i want to do but would like to hear what others think...thanks for any replies.

OP posts:

useyourloaf · 19/03/2012 17:01

All I can say is that if I was seriously concerned for my DS's safety and/or welfare then I would deny contact and I would try to keep a record with dates, evidence etc to support my case.

Emmielu · 19/03/2012 19:03

I agree with the previous post. You're doing what's right by your kids. That's better than neglecting them so you can't be beaten down for caring.

Devora · 19/03/2012 19:05

Social services have no concerns about this?

AllDirections · 19/03/2012 19:16

She met this man in January and he's now living with her

Do what you feel is right!

Original poster

lashes4 · 19/03/2012 19:36

Hi thank you all for your replies....

social services have said it is not a safeguarding concern... i strongly disagree i wouldnt do this so why would i be happy with a stranger doing this.
and of course she is denying him living there...but he sleeps every night when the kids are there...

social worker said although he does think it is disgusting and he wouldnt like it for his children there is nothing social services can do its up to the courts...

i have PR but feel like i cannot take control as my solicitor today told me i could get into trouble with the courts....as i would be breeching the court order.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 19/03/2012 19:38

If you are prepared to justify withholding contact to a magistrate (or rather, you have a solicitor/barrister who is), then do what you think is right.
BUT; you may get a slapped wrist in court if your ex argues effectively that the DCs are not at risk - with SS backing and her NP could be presented as a naturist, for instance.

Withholding contact is rarely punished though, especially for a first offence.

SecretNutellaFix · 19/03/2012 19:49

Don't stop contact, but make a log of everything the children mention. Bring up concerns with SS each time they happen and with your solicitor as well.

IAmBooyhoo · 19/03/2012 19:54

i would stop contact. but agree with telling the magistrate your (very valid IMO) concerns. when are you next in court? you were there on friday of last week right about reducing the mother's contact right? what happened?

mumatron · 19/03/2012 19:57

I'm not sure if I would stop contact completely given your situation but I would definitely try to put a stop on the over night visits.

Maybe stipulate that all contact is to be supervised?

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 20:27

Given everything else and the history you have "reasonable excuse " to stop contact and you should have the courage of your conviction.

Solicitor has to tell that you you in breach but you have to put dc first and if needed tell a court just why you felt it reasonable excuse for them to to be overnight contact with a strange man wandering around naked.

It is reasonable excuse in the context of everything else you have said. And which is documented .

Original poster

lashes4 · 19/03/2012 20:29

hi thank you again for replies...

mixed reactions...

we were at court last friday and it was adjourned as the judge wants social workers at court...

the next court date could be a few months away so in the meantime the kids still have to go 3 nights a week...and apparently there is nothing i can do until it has been heard in court...i worry about them constantly and they are saying they dont want to go...

heads all over the place....hope it gets sorted soon....

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 20:30

Write an email to social worker confirming that he agrees it is off but IS up to curt. . That is true tho really the ss is agreeing with you.

You do have right to stop contact with reasonable excuse.
Even if the guy is a naturist you have pr and you can decide you don't agree with naturism

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 20:32

You can stop contact with reasonable excuse .
You could write to court yourself and tell the judge why you stopping contact.
Keep your concerns written and noted.

IAmBooyhoo · 19/03/2012 20:32

you really do have my sympathy OP. i can't tell you what you should do but i know in your situation i wouldn't be happy sending my dcs. my EX has a partner, they have been dating for a year and my dcs have met her but i wouldn't be happy with them being there while she walked around naked. TBH i can't imagine why an adult who wasn't their parent would feel comfortable doing that.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 19/03/2012 20:33

Have you spoken to exp about it. Said to her and him that you find it wholly inappropriate and unacceptable, and if it happens again you will withhold contact. Hopefully it might be enough to prevent it happening again, although you may get some arguing and defensiveness for a while.

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 20:44

Given your ex history and issues you not going. To be able to talk are you ? So either a third party talks to her eg ss or you take control here.
Offer day time supervised contact only .

BertieBotts · 19/03/2012 20:51

Am I the only one who doesn't think walking around naked is a big deal? The being together for only 2 months would concern me, but I don't see what you could do about it, contact-wise.

Perhaps it's because my DS is younger, I suppose a 7 year old would be more likely to be uncomfortable with nudity, but I don't see a problem with this in the children are comfortable with it.

MagicHouse · 19/03/2012 20:55

Fairly new to this site, so I don't know your history. But I would NOT be happy with what you describe. I think I would put my concerns in writing to ss. I would also name the sw in the letter, and quote what he said to you.

My solicitor also recommended to me that if I ever had concerns I should put them, reasonably, in writing to my ex in the first instance, to see if the situation can be resolved that way - at least then you can show that you've tried to sort it out with your ex. (I agree with paraniod android about what you might say)

The whole stopping contact thing seems to be such a difficult issue, which must be so frustrating when you're so concerned.
I think if you do have real reasons to worry about their safety, you have every right to stop contact I would have thought.

Original poster

lashes4 · 19/03/2012 21:13

hi again thank you for your replies

i have tried to speak to my ex about this today and she said "im jealous" and too get "over it" and she will do what she wants...

BertieBotts...
everyone to there own opinion and i do appreciate all comments but seriously you would be ok with a male walking around in front of your 5 and 7 year old DD's...

i do think if its your own children then fair do's but this man has only been in my childrens life for approx 4 weekends, they dont like him although they do talk about him but this is just a step to far in my eyes...he could be anyone, cant even say mum will know him properly she has only been going out with him since jan.

i did think about contacting the courts myself but was also thinking if there was anything i could do about it then surely my solicitor would do it...!!!!!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 21:35

Lashes I think you know that your ex ,s judgement may not be the best given her history.
When my ex has been on "up"phases he has displayed the same " I do what I like " behaviour on one occasion this resulted in him losing my oldest who has severe learning difficulties ) due to complete lack of care... Oldest wandered streets for a mile in bare feet torn to shreds ....

Just because she has "rights"to do what' she thinks is ok does not make it ok.

It is hard because she isn't n her down phases where it is obvious but you are not dealing with a rational person hence all the earlier ss involvement and concerns . It is up to her to prove she caring for the dc adequately and having a new man staying over who wanders round naked is not really on is it? Ss has said he would not find it ok.
You don't find it ok.
Kids just don't quite know what is ok or not because they too young..,
Trust your gut feeling that she is not caring for your dc adequately She is not putting them first she is putting new man first. She can see new man when kids with you. It makes no sense.
Write your concerns speak to another sw if needs be, call nspcc talk it thru . Speak to your sw supervisor and go thru your concerns again. Ask them to do home visit to her place with new man there .
Ask them to confirm to you this man is ok to be around your dc.
Make it clear they are responsible for this situation if they say he is fine she is fine they have no concerns then so be it. But your sw has expressed concern. He would not send his dc so why should you send yours ?

NotaDisneyMum · 19/03/2012 21:38

You have to instruct your solicitor - they can advise you of the best course of action and the risks of various options ( and they all have to warn about the consequences of breaching a CO), but you can ask them to pursue a course of action they don't agree with.

My solicitor was blunt with me when I was in a similar situation - she said that 'if I was genuinely that worried' about DDs safety, then I wouldn't care what might happen to me, I wouldn't let her have the contact, and I would be telling her (my solicitor) that is what I was going to do, not asking her if i could.

ProcrastinateWildly · 19/03/2012 21:42

If you're not happy, and the children are not happy, stop contact.

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 21:49

New man moved on after v little time
Mother .s
History of severe mh issues ss involvement , and poor judgement
New man who you know nothing of nakeda wandering around showing his bits to young girls

Equals reasonable excuse for dc not to go for contact.
Don't send them.

Not because nakedness is disgusting but it is inappropriate behaviour and fact that mother condones it .

cestlavielife · 19/03/2012 21:55

Ps put in writing in email to solicitor and to social worker the dates this happened, dates your dc told you this, that you had conversation with ex and what she said ie she and her man can do what they like.
say that you discussed the inappropriate behaviour with sw and sw agreed it was inappropriate.
(let sw write back if he wants to retract what he said and he can put In writing it is fine )

it is not true that you have to abide by court order if you don't think it is the right thing and you have some evidence of "reasonable excuse "

Three months of sending them to mum and new man ? I don't think so... Unless you sure it is fine then take a stand and be prepared to tell judge via solicitor why .

Bossybritches22 · 21/03/2012 08:21

Him being naked isn't really the issue, it's the fact that he is being naked around DC's who aren't his & after only a short period of time (less than 2 months with the kids)

Combined with previosu concerns.

Combined with the children not being happy.....which is the prime concern.

Document everything to all concerned ss/courts/ solicitor. Write it calmly and factually and state that it is having an impact on the kids mental and emotional well being.
You have flagged it up with your ex who has dismissed it.

Have any of their teachers noticed any changes in behaviour that I can understand you being worried.

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