What do you all do wrt having someone round while your dc are there ??

[TheOriginalNutcracker]

I struggle with this big time and i'm not sure why.

I have 2 dd's 14&12 and a ds who is 9. Ds goes to bed around 8pm and then the girls drift up and are normally in their beds by 10pm.

So in those circumstances, how would you feel about inviting a bloke round ?? For a drink, not rolling around on the floor ??

I have done it before but as the girls get older and go to bed later I am not sure of the rules lol. I know people that just tell their dc that they are having a friend round for a drink and introduce said friend, but i'm not keen on that tbh.

I cant see how i am ever going to meet anyone if i cant have them round at mine though.

Oh, on fri/sat though the kids are normally in bed and settled until 11pm which is even worse lol.

aren't

Watching with interest as I have the same sort of dilemma,sorry to be useless! :)

Lol, no problem vodka

I have had a bloke round before when the kids were in bed and it was fine, until the next day in front of xp, dd2 said that 'this morning, the living room smelt of men'.

LOL

haha,I have met someone very new,but he lives an hour and a half away so I'm trying to think of ways we can date without him having to do a 3 hour round trip,seems impossible as I can't invite him to our home until I know him a lot better...arg! military operation,I have three boys;14,10 and 15 months but the baby never stays away from me overnight,I just don't know,it makes me want to rush through the dating bit to make things easier,not that I will,it's just very tempting

I would just say he is a friend. If you are still on those early days then surely that's what he would be?

I think this is what I'll do if I ever get to that stage.

I've (miserably) accepted I won't be able to have a relationship until the dc's are off to uni. So 15yrs then .

I wouldn't be happy inviting someone round, but on the other hand I never get to go out to meet men. Don't think there's an easy way round it TBH.

Oh and although they have good bedtimes,one of them could be coming down for a drink or something and I'd have to introduce new friend,but they would KNOW what it was about!

Watching for ideas...

Hmm see the problem is, even if i say it's a friend, which tbh it is atm, then I still have to be careful with ds. His dad is a knob, and so ds forms very quick and strong bonds with any other man that shows him a bit of interest.

Mind you, ds would be in bed and asleep by ten i think.

God i don't know. It makes me feel kind of guilty.

I very rarely go out, as xp doesn't have the kids.

It's bloody hard isn't it.

Ooh I dunno in your circumstances. mine are only little so I just make sure they are asleep first. Although dd did wake up and nearly catch us at it last time I made it up to her in time so she didn't know he was here but she told me I smelt funny!

meglet don't resign yourself to a life of spinsterhood! (unless you really want to of course).There's always a way around it,just takes some planning haha

99% of being a parent seems to be feeling guilty! It's hard,especially when ex doesn't have the kids,similar situation myself,however,you have to allow yourself the chance of a bit of something for you too,that's what I'm hoping anyway

No one has mine either and DD is of that age where she'd ask if he was a bf.

I've only been on a few dates and never had anyone back here but I do think it would be normal for a parent to have friends around - male or female.

Having said that, I think it would take a lot to get to the stage that I'm inviting them around as I'm nervous about that.

I do already know this bloke because I used to work with him. I would never invite a stranger here.

He did offer to take us all out for something to eat on saturday but I said no and explained why.

Mind you, with ds just having had one of his almighty meltdowns, i wonder why on earth anyone would want to come within a mile of us.

I think it's worth investing in a sitter for the early stages of a relationship. I never felt comfortable inviting someone to spend the night when the DC are here, plus you feel more like you're dating if you're going out and can relax properly.

It's expensive but better for the DC, if they'd met all the men I'd dated over the years it would've been confusing for them . But I eventually met lovely DP and after a while he offered to pay for a sitter so we could have more adult time. I really don't think our relationship would have developed if all our time was spent just on the sofa at mine.

Once upon a time I did have a BF and in the early days he did come round after DS had gone to bed, but not to stay over until he had met DS. Ex used to spend more time with DS then. I also have both male and female friends who come round after DS has gone to bed or as I am putting him to bed so he is used to the idea that he may come down and find I have friends here.

I have a friend who is available to have DS overnight, an older single woman and I also swap sleepovers every now and again with another single mum.

Think it depends of various things - what you normally do with the DCs in the evening, whether you're happy for your bloke to spend time with them, etc.

My eldest was 10 when my met my now DP - and I have always had him (and previous BFs ) round in the evenings quite a bit - but DS would go off to bed by 9pm so that still gave a reasonable evening. We usually let the DCs watch telly for a bit whilst we eat dinner together - this is difficult in my house as it's open plan - it would work better if you could eat or have a drink in a different room from where your DCs are watching telly.

My DP's DCs are similar ages to yours - he has them at weekends and they're never in bed before 10, often 11pm. He took longer to introduce me to them, but these days I go round there quite a lot whenever I don't have my own DCs. We all watch telly together which tbh isn't really what I'd ideally like to do in the evening. I'd prefer to catch up with my DP and then do stuff with the DCs in the daytime.

If your DDs tend to spend time up in their rooms anyway in the evening, then you could probably have some time downstairs with your bloke. Or you could try enticing them out of the way - eg by letting them watch a DVD in their rooms, but this might make them feel pushed, esp if you do it often. If your DDs expect to spend time with you until 10pm, then you'd have to be prepared to spend the time with your bloke and your DDs - you could watch a film together or play a game, and then have your adult time starting after 10pm.

I think it's best to get a sitter at least some of the time early on in a new relationship until you're comfortable with them getting to know your DCs when they're the ages that yours are - or can you leave them without a sitter if DD1 is 14?

Hmm, i do sometimes leave the younger two with dd1 if i pop out, but can;t do for long periods of time as ds has behaviour issues at the moment.

I also can't afford a babysitter, but my mum or friend would do it if i asked.

I'm not sure this bloke is wirth the hassle though tbh. He is nice but i dunno i dunno, i a bit meh about it all lol.

I think it's quite a good filter to think about whether a man is worth the hassle of organising babysitting. There were quite a few blokes I met but I realised I didn't like them enough to bother with a sitter.

I think that if you don't have children, it's easy enough to just go out for a date if you have a free evening, but that also means you have less quality control and can end up with blokes who aren't really serious. Whereas with the longer term relationships I had and DP, it took a real effort to get out to see them, but I figured it would pay off in the longer term because it would led to a meaningful relationship.

I have friends round, male and female alike. DS 11 gets to meet everyone and I'd be horrified/furious if he made any kind of assumptions or sarky remarks. Your kids get to choose their friends and have a social life ... they need to know that so do you.

Hmm you are right, so why am i struggling so much with it.

ARGH

I haven't done it because I'm not looking for a relationship just a bit of fun. But I don't see a problem as long as you're careful about it.

Children form transient and even more in-depth relationships with people and then move on from them with no harm done all the time. Think about teachers, nursery nurses, etc. As long as the important people in their lives are fixed, solid and reliable it isn't a problem. Meeting people, forming relationships, keeping some and losing others is all part of the social tapestry. A good rule of thumb is: Would I be happy to have this person round if the relationship was platonic/was a work colleague/an old friend visiting this part of the country for a day, etc. If the answer is yes then the fact that the person is a date should make no difference.

No one should be introducing boyfriend number 54 and suggesting their DC call him daddy, but how many single mothers do that in all honesty? I suspect most are tying themselves up in knots with guilt and worry that they are being selfish by wanting to date.

As long as you keep the relationship at the distance it deserves from your DC - i.e. fun and superficial until you know it's really going somewhere - I really don't see the problem.

Have a good time.

"why am i struggling so much with it."

Perhaps you're letting your children dictate the way you run your social life because you feel guilty about wanting independence, adult company and to be something other than 'mum' to someone. Perhaps you just feel awkward? Your children are old enough to understand that you are a normal human being who needs friends, attention and ... yes... even a sex life. They'll always be #1 in your life (and maybe they need that reassurance) and you'll presumably value their opinion of anyone that you get serious about but there is a big chunk of your life happening now, none of us are getting any younger, and I think it would be silly to waste opportunities.

Ok, i grew a pair and did it lol. I told the girls that I was having a friend round and they were fine with it. Had to bribe dd2 a bit with the use of my laptop but otherwise it was fine. Ds was non the wiser.

Had a nice time, just chatting and watching shit films lol. I am now very very tired.