Joining you and i just want to die

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 2012-02-28T12:32:01+00:00

Dp doesnt love me anymore and he waited until i was already suicidal to tell me

shrinkingnora · 28/02/2012 12:50

What happened pick? Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to?

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 28/02/2012 13:26

I have talked to people but no one can bring my life with dp back nearly 20 years and all for nothing.
I have had terrible crippling anxiety(over noise next door) since dec and have felt so ill and i asked the gp to refer me (already in mental health system) and because they didnt see me i have got worse and i have said things and done things because im so low.I feel that dp buried his head in the sand, been distant and chose to ignore me so i resented him .Then when i left on fri because i couldnt stand being ignored any longer he told me he wasnt in love with me anymore so i hit and kicked him because i felt i had nothing to lose and felt so wretched.Then he said i had lost any hope of getting him back because i hit him.But he had already told me there was no hope.
I have lost everything,my home ,my lifelong partner .
People keep saying oh but you have your kids but that is no consolation to me.

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shrinkingnora · 28/02/2012 13:32

Can you get to you GP today? You need to get some professional help, urgently. Go and tell them that you are suicidal, that it is getting worse.

How old are your children? are they with you at the moment?

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 28/02/2012 13:40

But a gp cannot bring my life back so they cannot help me.
Kids at school we are staying at my parents so they are looking after them,

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shrinkingnora · 28/02/2012 13:45

What the GP can do is help you get strong enough to get through the next few days/weeks. Do your parents know how low you are?

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 28/02/2012 13:49

yes they know how low i am

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shrinkingnora · 28/02/2012 13:58

Please believe that there is hope and things will be ok - yes they will be different but there will be things that make you smile and laugh. You will take joy in the world again but you do need help to get there. Go to your GP, take you parents with you so they can back up what you are saying. You need to get well, depression is an illness that requires treatment. Your children need you.

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 28/02/2012 18:31

But i want my old life back

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LilacWaltz · 28/02/2012 18:35

You can rebuild your life, but you do need to accept your husbands stance on this. Hard as it is. Things will get easier, but do visit your gp

PigletUnrepentant · 28/02/2012 22:30

Ok, your old life MAY come back, but that will not happen until you feel better.

Little steps, one at a time, go back to the GP, take one day at a time, and eventually things will start looking better.

SuperGlumFairy · 28/02/2012 23:15

My first post here on Mumsnet but I couldn't go past this post without saying something.

I know to some extent how you feel. My husband recently announced also that he no longer loves me, after 16 years together and 3 children. I don't drive, have no income, have an injured back, was at my lowest point ever when he told me AND suffer anxiety to the point I have no social life at all. It feels like one big horrible mess. Some days I don't want to exist at all, I feel worthless, like there is nothing left in this world for me and even my beautiful children aren't enough to make me want to stay here. I feel angry, betrayed, confused and helpless...and then I get mad at myself for feeling so pathetic.

Here's the thing though...as much as it hurts would you really want him back? How would you ever trust him to not do this again? If he said he loved you would you ever actually believe him? That's no life for either of you. I want my husband to be happy, but I have to accept I no longer make him happy and having him stay with me for the sake of pity would only bring resentment and ill feeling about. Is that what you would want for your kids to see between you both?

I hope you can find another GP and get some help, build some confidence within yourself (and yes I know that is hard with anxiety issues) and start to figure things out. You are lucky to have your parents there for support, talk to them, lean on them and let them love you.

jshm2 · 29/02/2012 06:36

To be honest his leaving you is FOR THE BEST as your healing can now properly begin. Be truthful with yourself in admitting that he has been no support and has used you as a sexual object and/or "workfare slave" for many months leading up to this issue.

He has probably ditched you because you can neither be a good sexual partner or care to his house and needs. I find that absolutely atrocious for a guy to use a women that way. But some people are just like that and your better getting them behind you quickly.

Your a vulnerable individual and volatile too it seems. Antidepressents will help calm your anxiety and some sleeping pills will help clam your mind. Depression is just anger without enthusiasm and you won't get over it until you accept that you've made mistakes in your relationships.

Start to piece yourself back together by making small positive changes every day. Maybe not direct revenge but refusing to break and surviving to look them in the eye again is the best way forward plus will strike fear into them too.

Depending on where you are in the country it may take a month before you get referred to a psychologist.

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 29/02/2012 12:14

The only control i now feel i have left is choosing whether to live or die.I am refusing to eat more than a few biscuits a day because to eat would feel normal and nothing about my life is normal anymore.
I am grateful to those that have taken time to post .

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cestlavielife · 29/02/2012 12:16

please call samaritans and talk it through

and/or go to gp

ou are worth more than this

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 29/02/2012 18:10

But i dont want to start again at my age
20 years have been wasted and all those memories are killing me

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betty419419 · 29/02/2012 19:57

Please take a step back and think about what you are actually saying? If for no other reasons seek help for your kids don't put them through losing you think about their well ring if you can't think about your own.

It is completely devastating when someone you loved for so long tells you they don't love you and want out (happened to me last year) but you have to be strong - it hurts but it will get better, maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week but in time it will. I would agree with seeking some help from your gp - maybe anti depressants would help and they don't need to be forever merely a cutch to help you through till you feel better.

You will come through this - please believe that xxx

toptramp · 29/02/2012 20:31

Please don't feel that the past 20 years have been a waste. 20 years is something to be proud of. When you are feeling better (and you will in due course) I can hope that you look back with fondness but also fowards with excirtement and anticipation; a new chapter.
However, you are not going to get there without some help from your GP and councellors. Unmumsnetty hugs to you op.

SuperGlumFairy · 29/02/2012 21:18

Well if you admit that "The only control i now feel i have left is choosing whether to live or die" Then CHOOSE to live..what is so special about this man that he has the power to make you feel like such crap? Let this experience make you better, not bitter. Don't give him the satisfaction of falling apart when he obviously doesn't give a fig. Take a stand, show him what an arse he is by coming back better and stronger.

I know how you feel...but I refuse to give someone else the power to push me down and keep me there. That is not the example I want to set my children.

Yes it hurts like hell to think of all those years that I won't get back, yes it is scary as hell to think of being a lone parent and being responsible for the kids 24/7 and maybe never finding love again, yes it hurts to think of all the future plans we had together but now I get to make new plans...even if I don't know what they are yet. I choose how the rest of my life is going to be and you choose yours, don't dwell on the past...baby steps forward is the only way.

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 01/03/2012 10:28

Still cannot get my head around it all
But beginning to get angry about it
Can you tell me what i need to do regarding money, joint mortgage ,belongings,benefits etc?

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SuperGlumFairy · 01/03/2012 11:00

Pick- I am not in UK (hoping to move from Australia to England in the next 3-6 months hence why I have joined up here) but I believe your best starting point is to get yourself off to Jobcentre Plus and talk to a Lone Parent advisor there and they should be able to point you in the right direction for what you are entitled to and how to apply etc. I think there are also some websites you can work entitlements out on which someone else here might be able to point you

So glad you sound a little better today, it's only been a few weeks for me being separated but the good days are becoming more frequent and the bad days less powerful. As my Psych told me yesterday it is a grieving process, there will be ups and downs, anger, hurt, sadness and it will go around in cycles but eventually the up days will start to outnumber the down days. Just keep taking baby steps forward. Make sure you eat, try to get some sleep and even try to take a walk around the block, or get outside with your kids for a little fresh air each day. It all helps.

SuperGlumFairy · 01/03/2012 11:02

Oh perhaps another good place would be your Citizen Advice Bureau?

SuperGlumFairy · 03/03/2012 12:23

Pick - just wanted to let you know I am still thinking of you. Hope you are okay.

Original poster

Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused · 03/03/2012 21:59

Thankyou so much you are very kind x

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madam1mim · 04/03/2012 15:07

please think of your children. You are quite rightly in shock and must feel devastated. Right now as other people have said on here you need to take each day at a time. Try not to even think too much. Going to your gprs is good advice but if you can't do that at the moment then contact americans they r really good and you don't have to tell them your name or anything. What you are going through is awful but get people around you who love you to help. Your parents and your children love and need you. Be strong. Praying for you. Xxx

madam1mim · 04/03/2012 15:10

p.s. Samaritans ! Not americans!! Xxx