How can I persuade ex to stick to contact arrangements

[beejay]

My ex and I used to have a fairly good contact arrangements ( he took dd every sat night) but since the end of November he has started messing us around. Didn't take her at all in December, had her one night at the beginning of Jan. We agreed we would have her last sat night, then changed it to having her in the afternoon only because he wanted to go out. I told him this was crap but agreed as I didn't have any other plans and she had a bit of a sore throat and I thought maybe better if she stayed with me anyway.
We arranged to meet at a station in central london at 3.30. He rang at 3.50 to say he hadn't set off yet ( he lives an hour away). I told him not to bother as we weren't going to wait for another hour, and put the phone down.

I don't understand why he is behaving like this, he keeps changing arrangements at the last minute because things have come up. I tried to arrange to have lunch with him last week to talk about formalising the arrangements, but he backed out of that too at the last minute.
It's like he is not interested in being responsible or having regular contact anymore. I find it really strange because for a year or so previously he has actually been pretty reliable.

I feel so bad for my dd as she is being messed around by this too. Any ideas anyone?

put something in writing to him. He should realise how lucky he is to have contact with his child and that you are so accommodating-lots of dads would love to be in his position.
You should tell him that it is for the benefit of your child that he has a regular contact routine and that he sticks to it. Tell him that your child needs to know when she will see him and not to be let down at the last minute.
He needs to adjust his priorities.
If he fails to suggest a regular pattern-then perhaps you should.
good luck

put something in writing to him. He should realise how lucky he is to have contact with his child and that you are so accommodating-lots of dads would love to be in his position.
You should tell him that it is for the benefit of your child that he has a regular contact routine and that he sticks to it. Tell him that your child needs to know when she will see him and not to be let down at the last minute.
He needs to adjust his priorities.
If he fails to suggest a regular pattern-then perhaps you should.
good luck

Do you know why he has suddenly started messing you about? Has he become involved with a woman?

I was going to suggest that he might be seeing somebody too? Do you have a formal agreement - ie drawn up through the courts, or is it a friendly one?

Thanks for all your suggestions.
It's a friendly agreement. Well it was until november anyway...

We split up a couple of years ago and I have been in a new relationship for a year and a half. As far as i know he hasn't met anyone permanent... (in November he was moaning about the number of dates he has been on that haven't come to anything). I think he might be a bit annoyed that I have 'moved on' and he hasn't -- but then perhaps he should have been nicer to me when we were together !

When you suggested writing to him chipkid, do you think an email would be okay or is better to send a formal letter?

Maybe you could try email first as it's not too threatening and then if you don't get a response write a more formal letting. Would you consider changing to an alternative weekend contact agreement? This is what my dp has with his daughter. She stays with us all weekend, every other weekend. That way he could do as he pleased every other weekend and then maybe he would be more reliable.

Thanks Otto
I did actually suggest every other weekend to him when we spoke on the phone last week. He agreed on the phone ( he is often very reasonable on the phone) but then failed to stick to it...
It's like he is committed to his responsibilities until anything else comes up, then he is completely uncommitted IYSWIM.

How do I explain this to my dd though? I tried not to make a big deal out of it ( eg oh never mind let's go shopping and have a cake instead) but I'm sure his behaviour sends the message to her that she is not worth much to him
I would hate it to impact on her self esteem but I guess there's only so much you can do...

beejay I think you need to explain in your e-mail how damaging it is to her. It's difficult to hit the right tone, of trying to convey just how harmful it is to a child to be put last on her father's priority list, without sounding as if you're accusing him and turning it into a row.

I think I'd e-mail (less formal) and just keep it friendly along the lines of "I know you've been very busy recently, but I don't think you realise how hurt and rejected dd feels when you let her down. I know you wouldn't want to do anything deliberately to damage her, so I'm just mentioning this because I know you'll be concerned about this and want to ensure that you do everything possible to make sure she sees you regularly and that the contact she has with you works for both of you. If the current arrangements aren't working for you, is there any other way of doing it that you'd prefer? Obviously, within reason I'll do my best to re-arrange things so that the contact arrangements work for all 3 of us...here are a few options I've thought of, is there anything else you'd prefer?" blah di blah, something along those lines, so that it's presented to him as a problem he needs to solve, which you'll help him with, rather than an accusation of neglect, which is how so many men would take it (and how many women unintentionally make it)!

Brilliant Caligula, thanks
Will send later today and let you know how he responds...

beejay

i agree with averything caligula says. If he cannot maintain contact regularly at the fortnightly frequency then you may have to consider reducing it to once a month to reduce the risk of dd being let down. Explain to your ex that you will consider increasing the frequency when he demonstrates some comittment to contact

Just sent the email. Felt really sad sending it not quite sure why . I feel like I am somehow begging for something on her behalf which should be her birth right

Don't feel sad Beejay - you are right it is your dd's birthright, but not all fathers see it that way sadly.

I am just nearing the end (I hope) to the mess my xh has caused over seeing my ds. He has cut his access down from 5.5 hours weekly, to once a fortnight now. My ds's self esteem is crushingly low and it really hasn't helped him.

Hopefully he will respond to your email and it will make him aware of what he is doing. My xh refuses to have him weekly even though this arrangement has been going on for nearly 7 years! He has moved on and got another girlfriend and had a baby (his 4th child) but he has no interest in what is clearly best for my ds.

Caligula's letter was good - I wish i'd used it. I did email my xh and then send a hard copy in the post, but he will not be moved in what he wants. He saw ds on Christmas eve but not for the three weeks before that or since. He should be seeing ds this Saturday, but I will not be able to even look at ds or speak to him when we meet as he makes me feel sick.

Good luck and let us know how your ex replies.

I think he is being an arse to you and your dd you should go to a notarie and have a legal letter written with visiting times on and if that does not work and you want them to keep contact I think the only other thing you can do is go to a lawyer and do visitation like that. I hope it all gets sorted soon, good luck

I just don't get it . My dh has never missed a contact with his dd and would see her more than he's allowed if he could. And when I read about situations like yours Beejay, I just don't get dsd's mum either . Things are OK with her now, but she tried her hardest to stop dh seeing his dd. When I see him with our dd, who is the same age as dsd was when her mum left dh for someone else, I cannot for the life of me understand why she didn't want her little girl to have such a great Daddy.

I totally understand why you feel sad. Caligula's suggestion for your email is really good, I hope he sees sense.

Do you think perhaps it is a power thing?
My xh used to let my dd down if he knew I had plans to go out...just to be bloody awkward I think!
He knew I was really upset about what dd was going through and felt contact was sooo important, but that just used to give him more power and would make him worse...in the end I decided to get on without him. I never stopped him seeing her I just stopped asking.
DD hasn't seen him for 5 years now(she's 10) ...which is very sad for her, but better than constantly getting her hopes up and being let down time after time.
Actually now she says she wouldn't want to see him if he did get in touch.

If you don't have any joy with your email you might find its better just not making arrangements for contact with him...don't give him the power.
If he is worth his salt (unlike my ex!) he'll soon be in touch, asking for contact...if not then no amount of persuasion will work...you shouldn't have to persuade him to see his child.

Or you could look at it this way - he's getting more attention from you for 'playing up' than for 'being good'.. ignore the behaviour and it'll decrease, give him more attention and he'll increase the behaviour..
I think toddler taming techniques work very well on many grown ups

Aggiepanther I think you might be right. He feels he has lost all power in the situation and this is his only way of having an impact on me and my life.
The problem is that it does have an impact, not only with my dd but also on my current relationship as my boyfriend looks upon our time
together alone on saturdays as somehow sacred and really relies on it...( I would never admit that to my ex though).
Anyway I have sent the email, if he doesn't respond I'm not going to beg...

Good plan ...begging's never a good idea
I know what you mean about weekend time and a new partner ...had the same problem myself. It might be worth getting to know a good babysitter ..or do you have family who can help out at all?
Your ex probably knows your time with your boyfriend is sacred and is possibly why he's being awkward in the first place.
Let us know how you get on with the email anyway )

When I read threads like this and tales like AggieP's and Chocol8, I wonder when F4J are going to start demanding that absent fathers who can't be arsed, are forced to see their children regularly and made to do community service when they don't turn up for contact visits.

But that might be about the rights of the child rather than the rights of the father, mightn't it?

Very true Caligula. I reckon the number of non-resident fathers who avoid contact is far greater than the number who are denied it.
Still no response to the email by the way

I think you're probably right beejay...buggers.
As for not replying he's probably just keeping you waiting ...I was thinking ..can you talk to your boyfriend and explain about the power games thing and say that in the short term you may not have child free weekends for a few weeks but that ignoring the ex should hopefully bring him to his senses and stop him messing you all around?

Caligula ...I think it would be awful if fathers were forced to see their kids, because the kids would soon pick up on the fact that their dad didnt enjoy having them. I know I wouldn't want DD to spend time with someone who didnt want her around ...far too painful.
Also I wonder how many more children would be hit or neglected if being 'cared for' by someone who had been forced into it?
Sad as it is that DD doesnt see her dad, we're happier with that than reluctant, intermittant, unreliable contact.

However I think that they should be punished severely ...removal of bollocks would be preferable in my opinion

with a blunt knife

HI Aggie yes I will talk to bf. It's tricky because he has long thought that my ex doesn't take enough responsibility for my dd, and thinks I have been too soft on him.
Will try and explain that ignoring him is the best (and perhaps the only) way to get results-- as you ( and others ) said you cannot force someone to have contact with their child and it probably wouldn't be healthy if you did!
Anyway my focus has and always will be what's best for my child, not what's convenient for my bf...

Well he's replied, thanking me for my kind email and asking for help in getting his life together. Says he wants to see dd at least 2 or 3 times a month.
The prob is that we have been in this position so many times, when he is feeling bad about himself he is incredibly humble and sweet. When he is feeling better he becomes much more self-centred again.
Still at least he's not completely ignoring his responsibilities!
Whether he will stick to arrangements we shall see...
thanks for all your advice, ladies...

Good luck with it beejay. Fingers crossed that it'll all go well