How can I persuade ex to stick to contact arrangements

[beejay]

My ex and I used to have a fairly good contact arrangements ( he took dd every sat night) but since the end of November he has started messing us around. Didn't take her at all in December, had her one night at the beginning of Jan. We agreed we would have her last sat night, then changed it to having her in the afternoon only because he wanted to go out. I told him this was crap but agreed as I didn't have any other plans and she had a bit of a sore throat and I thought maybe better if she stayed with me anyway.
We arranged to meet at a station in central london at 3.30. He rang at 3.50 to say he hadn't set off yet ( he lives an hour away). I told him not to bother as we weren't going to wait for another hour, and put the phone down.

I don't understand why he is behaving like this, he keeps changing arrangements at the last minute because things have come up. I tried to arrange to have lunch with him last week to talk about formalising the arrangements, but he backed out of that too at the last minute.
It's like he is not interested in being responsible or having regular contact anymore. I find it really strange because for a year or so previously he has actually been pretty reliable.

I feel so bad for my dd as she is being messed around by this too. Any ideas anyone?

Howz it all going Beejay? I re-read your thread again as it is quite close to my situation...sorry for the hijack.

Xh decided not to see ds at all unless he can have him overnight once a month - and has now has only seen him once in 10 weeks.

Ds does get upset sometimes and I have a few options open to me: 1. keep making excuses for him 2.tell him, with professional help (he is SN and has a psychiatrist) or 3. give in and let xh have his way. The only prob with the last one is that as it has been so long now, I don't think xh actually wants to see ds now. He has his new life and is obviously happy to hurt ds by not seeing him.

Half of me wants to tell ds - in the kindest of ways (mum and dad aren't getting on but it's nothing to do with you), the other half wants to write a letter and re-introduce the weekly (or fortnightly as he wants) visits. Xh is such a knob, and has been really cruel and manipulative in his letters.

We will be moving within the next 2 or so years nearer to a school where ds will be happy. Xh is not aware of this - the chances are it may be too far away for him to visit ds anymore. Should I tell him? Whichever way, xh will play it against me and say I am trying to blackmail him, so not sure what to do for the best.

If you were in my situation, what would you do?

Hi Chocl8
Things going better for me thanks, ex has had dd for two saturday nights in a row now and we are getting on a lot better too, thank god.
Regarding your situation i have a couple of questions:

How old is your ds?
Why don't you want him to stay overnight with your ex?
Why is your ex refusing to see him unless he stays overnight ( is he just being a pig-headed man?)

xx

Hi Beejay - glad to hear you are getting on better and that he has had dd twice now! Wow! Well done!

To answer your questions: ds is 8, he has Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD and can be very hard work.

Xh offered to have ds overnight as respite for me but it has never worked out that way. He has had ds on 3 occasions and each time he comes back his behaviour is worse than ever! It is not respite when I have to have to deal with the aftermath in the following days.

I have written letters to him and received nothing but abuse and he constantly tries to manipulate the situation. Basically, it comes down to the fact that he doesn't really want to see ds at all and is quite happy with no contact.

I have spoken to CAMH about this and they think it would be kinder to tell ds the situation - but obviously that it is nothing to do with ds.

If he does start seeing him again, I don't want to put ds in the position of "picking up" that his dad doesn't want him as this would really wipe what is left of his self esteem on the floor.

God it sounds like you are in a difficult situation. My gut feeling is to do what is best for your son. If he gets too distressed by overnight visits then don't let him stay overnight. If he gets something out seeing his dad on a regular basis then I would bend over backwards to make sure that he can-- even if your ex is being manipulative and annoying!
If your ex won't agree to visits unless they are overnight one then you will have to make a tough decision. But I would like to think he would agree to daytime visits if that is what's best for his son ( correct me if I am wrong!)

I say this based on my own experience-- i know that my daughter does like seeing her dad and she would be distressed by never see him, so I try and put my own feelings about him to one side and keep the contact going. But if she didn't like seeing him I wouldn't push it.

By the way what is CAMH?

hi am new to this site, :)