Top tips please?

[Llareggub]

I split up with my husband this week and I'm on my own with our DC who are 5 and 2.5. Due to his mental health he cannot have them unsupervised and so he will seem them at his mum and dad's house, where he is also living at the moment.

So. It is just me, really. What would be your best advice for me to make this work on my own. What do I need to think about?

Afraid I have no idea but didn't want your post to go unanswered. I am in the process of splitting up from my h but still waiting for him to move out so in limbo really... I have similar aged dc's.

Hope you are ok. Well, as ok as can be under the circumstances.

How often will your H see the kids??

I guess the best thing to be is as organised as possible iyswim by getting packed lunch/school uniform out the night before.

Do you work?? How is mortgage paid etc? its worth looking on entitled2.com

Are you family supportive??

Sorry for all the ??? but trying to get as much info to then offer advice iyswim

I have been where you are (2yrs down the line) and it does get better

I'm there and as Simpson said it does get better .
Be organised (there's no running out for milk once dcs are in bed).
Write lists, keep a diary, stick to them.
Shop online.
Make sure you have plenty books/DVDs/knitting etc in case you get bored in evening.
Wine.
Take help when you can. Don't be too proud.
Mn can be a godsend for ranting, laughing and general support.
Enjoy your dcs and don't be hard on yourself.

On a basic level- organisation! yr ago became single mum of three under 8s, Im not going to lie, its hard going, but so much easier when you plan plan plan and organise everything you can.

financially-have you informed relevant organisations eg tax credits/hosuing benefit/child benefit? Tax credits need to know asap as they may overpay you and then youre left to pay it back at some point. housing/council tax benefit-they only backdate from the date you request the forms, so do this asap too (I informed them about 10 days later so ended up having to pay almost 2 weeks rent as they wouldnt) child benefit- they can pay you weekly when youre on benefits. is child aged 5 at school?-request forms for free school meals.

um its late and im a bit tired so if i think of anything else of use Ill come back!

Hope that helps a little, stay strong x

Put yourself first as if you cannot cope then you will all be in a pickle. Make sure you always have time to relax and don't get too worried about stuff. Don't worry if the house is not so clean, as long as you are all happy. Lower your standards. Ask for help if you need it but if you don't get help, just muddle along as best as you can without dwelling on it.

welcome to the club sweetie, no advice to add to the above except don't stress over the small stuff, as long as the DC's are Ok you'll be Ok.

Oh & don't give a flying fuck when some judgypants in your life tries to have a go, they no nothing of what you are going through!

....and wine & MN are not luxuries

Do you have a good social circle? If not, then I'd work on getting one pronto if I were you. Being a single mum can be very isolating at times, and even something as small as chatting about nappy brands or what-have-you at a toddler group or a cuppa at your mum's can make all the diff;erence.

Thank you, everyone. At th moment, he is paying it all as I don't work. Well, I do, but I work with him (complicated) and I probably will carry on with him while I find a proper job.

I only have child benefit at the moment, I applied for tax credits before Christmas and i am waiting for the assessment so that I can call them and tell them the joyful news.

He thinks it is a temporary split and whilst it might be, it will be a long, long time if we do get back together. It is a long story and I've been over and over it in rl and I am a bit talked out.

Will my 5 year old get FSM just because I am on my own, then? Cor.

I am getting better at being organised. My poor PIL are being very supportive and I definitely want to keep that relationship good.

I have a good support network. Came away from emergency NCT get together in my honour with DVDs, bubble bath and lots of promises to babysit.

I started the Shred today, and am job hunting madly. I am crying at odd moments and staying away from my mother who is not helping.

Look into the healthy start vouchers too which I think are up until the child is 4. Good for buying milk, fruit & veg etc.

You should get FSC meals

you get free school meals based on your income -if you are eligible for the child element of working family tax credits then you will also get free school meals

I would second the advice about being organised -always keep a loaf of bread and a pint of milk in the freezer

evenings once the children are in bed can be very lonely so have a plan for this time -mumsnet, ironing, book you have been meaning to read etc etc

The lone parents board is so supportive, I've come on here under various names and had such great advice. Sometimes all I've needed is just to talk to someone in the same boat, sometimes I've needed (and received!) a good kick up the arse. Keep posting

Well, I've pretty much been on my own for a while so no change there. My husband is an alcoholic and usually goes to AA meetings in the evening, but we haven't talked, just bickered for so long the alone time seems preferable so far.

Hopefully these tax credits will arrive this week and I won't be so reliant on him for everything. I am feeling very positive and excited about th future.

Hi Llareggub, I've was just having my first look at the lone parents thread today as I'm in the process of splitting up with my DP at the moment (got to the sell the house before we can go our separate ways). He is also an alcoholic but refuses to go down the AA route etc and is still drinking. Didn't mean to crash your thread but just wanted to say hello to someone going through something similar.

You sound far more on the ball than me so I will be really interested to read what we can and can't apply for!

Thank you so much for posting. We can do it together! On hold to tax credits as I type.

What a shame your DP won't consider AA. Have you heard about Al-anon? It is for the partners/carers/families of alcoholics and I have found it incredibly helpful.

Good luck with tax credits - hope you got through ok. I've just spoken to 'entitled2.com' as recommended here so have a rough idea of what I'd get. I'd love to stay on in our house but unfortunately the Inland Revenue are petitioning DP for bankruptcy for unpaid tax (huge bill) so probably am going to lose the house anyway. The joys of having an alcoholic partner! I am really looking forward to being in total control of my finances.

DP won't go to AA as he won't accept that he has a problem. I've tried to go to al-anon a couple of times but always been scuppered by childcare issues.

That's why I can't get to Al-anon very often. My DC are 5 and 2 and are far too aware of alcohol and the significance of hidden cans stashed in odd places.

Good news from tax credits, at least. My backdated claim has gone into our joint bank account and I've been able to stop future payments going there and they will be sent to me via a cheque until I can open an account of my own. Phew.

Like you I am looking forward to some financial independence. It is a long story but he is self-employed and I am totally reliant on him for income at the moment. I burst into tears when they told me it had been paid!

Just to warn you I'm getting TC's and depite getting the child element was told I couldn't get FSM as I was earning above the threshold with them.

It's ok as my DD's prefer pack-ups anyway!

Just another expense I can do without but hey-ho.

Glad you're feeling so optimistic, and welcome cosmic I've only recently discovered the LP section & everyone is very supportive and helpful.

Great news that future payments will go direct to you rather than be spent on cans! DP is also self-employed and I am also completely reliant on him for income too. That's why we are in our current financial mess. Do you have any idea about maintenance payments and what to expect? I'm finding it really hard to work out finances. DP is still working but if he carries on the way he's going there is a strong possibility that he will lose his current contract and so ideally I guess I should expect nothing and anything extra is a bonus!

Hi Bossybritches. What's FSM?

No free school meals if you get working tax credits. How many hours do you work?

As RedHelen said, no FSM with Tax credits, but you can apply for Council Tax Benefit and the Single persons discount (20%) as you're the only adult in the household now.

You can also apply for a NHS exemption certificate, for free prescriptions and eye tests.

I'm on my own with 3 kids, 12, 7 and 22 months and its all about planning and a routine, and doing everything the night before. I work too, and still manage fine on my own, once you are in a routine you will be fine too.

Thank you all so much. I am very happy indeed to find the support on here. I am feeling so positive at the moment, I hope it doesn't come crashing down.

Oh, and definitely going to investigate the CT benefit this week. I do work, but I am self-employed and it isn't going terribly well so I am going to look for a proper job, with a reliable salary that comes from someone else, not from endlessly chasing people for cash. I need reliability.

On the plus side, the housework is already easier without my husband.

LLareggub you can be S/E and employed together, I am.

I like the reliability of having a few days regular income from a PT job plus the flexibility of S/E although I agree chasing the bill can be a nightmare, you have to be ruthless, or ask for payment/deposit up front.

One of the many things I have learnt from the MN wise people is to remember to include a few hours per week for admin/marketing in your 16-30 hrs that the TC people want you to do to qualify.

I'm so glad you are feeling so positive that's great, you may well have a crash, we all have our bad patches but hang on to that positive feeling and you'll get through.