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Original poster

do i have any right to stop him seeing ds?

34 replies

savy57 · 01/01/2012 17:56

im guessing my best option is to get my self a lawyer but just want to know the basics if anybodys has some advice would be much appreciated

ds is 4 ex and i lived together for first 2 years or so he was violent and very aggressive especially when drinking(was quite often) he never done anything for or with ds at all wouldnt change a nappy make a bottle and the time came when i just new i had to finish things

cutting long story short for the last 2 years ex has taken ds 3 over nights max and his idea of contact is dissapearing for several months at a time then showing up demanding to see ds, and this contact involves a walk around the streets for an hour then brings him back and again dissapears for god knows how long again

before xmas he arranged to come take ds out for an hour or two twiced but never showed up the last straw was for me on xmas eve when ds was left sitting waiting on him
now i must say its not me telling ds its him on the odd time he has called he refuses to speake to me

he doesnt buy ds a thing cant even have the decency to send him an xmas card or bday card never mind a present

is their anything i can do to prevent him from just walking in and out as he pleases, ds is really starting to be affected by it now, and ive asked actualy begged him to either just dissapear for good or to start seeing ds reg even if it didnt involve any over nights (wich i would prefer anyways, as i have no idea how much he drinks these days or his behaviour/aggression

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/01/2012 18:05

Sadly, probably not.

You would be well within reason, morally, to tell him that he can't just waltz in and out of DS's life, that he needs to choose: Make a long term commitment, or leave, permanently. Or in fact to say that he is not allowed to see DS at all because of the violence and aggression.

However, realistically you need to factor in how far you think he might go for contact. If he was to go to court over it it's likely that he could get regular access - and leave you stuck if the contact is upsetting your DS because you are bound by the court order.

I would definitely seek legal advice and see if there is any way you could block contact because of the previous violence, the alcoholism or the aggression. At least then you would have this if you needed it.

GypsyMoth · 01/01/2012 18:05

Leave it so he has to apply to the courts, and then he would need to demonstrate some commitment

Or mediation?

GypsyMoth · 01/01/2012 18:06

The courts still give violent/aggressive men contact.

Was it aimed at you?

Original poster
savy57 · 01/01/2012 18:18

yes all violence was aimed at me none at ds im hoping he just dissapears but i doubt it, he also kicked in my front door at 3 oclock one sat morning while he was drunk police were involved and he was arrested ds was in house and terrified

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Original poster
savy57 · 01/01/2012 18:21

i dont think he would go for mediation i was thinking if i got a lawyer i could maybe get some order put in place without all the courts ect to say he had to take ds atleast twice a month even if it was just for a few hours but it must be in his mums house so atleast i wasnt worrying if he was drinking ect

am i just being really nieve with thinking this

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Dee03 · 01/01/2012 18:48

I just wouldn't let him see your ds then he would have to take you to court for access.
Sorry you're going through this, sounds awful. Xx

GypsyMoth · 01/01/2012 18:51

No. Solicitors can't force him to take your ds, neither can courts. Nobody can. Sadly.

Original poster
savy57 · 01/01/2012 18:57

thats what ive done from xmas eve usualy i just let it go and let him see ds or get in contact with ds again but enough is enough so far we havent had any contact since xmas eve but he never paid ds money this month meaning i had to contact his family(no contact number for him) but with no reasoning with that lot i just phoned csa and they can deal with him but i no i might have piece for a few months but will be back to square one again in a few months down the line

and thanks Dee03 tbh im just use to it now and dont expect anything less but ds thinks sunshines out of ex backside n of course the ex has promised him some wonderfull things (trips to see a real football game ect..) so ds is super excited only sadly this day will probaly never happen

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Meglet · 01/01/2012 19:01

If you stop him seeing your DS it might force his hand to sort out mediation or a contact centre. I'd guess that if he then tried to go through the courts they'd see the police have been involved and would suggest mediation or a contact centre (at least I hope they would).

If he doesn't then see your DS because it's too much hassle then at least you know where you all stand.

My XP was abusive, swore blind he would go for contact then refused to go to the contact centre. That was 2 years ago and we haven't had to have anything to do with him since.

I know how frustrating it is when you want them to behave like a father, IME some men won't. I preferred sorting it once and for all instead of letting it drag on. The DC's are 5 & 3 now so at least they don't remember how nasty their Dad could be.

Original poster
savy57 · 01/01/2012 19:02

Olympia2012 if courts & solicitors cant force him to take dc can they atleast not have something in writting to say he has one chance and one chance only meaning if he decides hes not taken ds after promising then thats him no more contact allowed atleast till ds is old enough to understand better? do you know?

i will need to wait till next week when ds is back at nursery and will make an appointment with a solicitor/lawyer and see what they say

also this may sound like a stupid question but who am i best going a seeing a lawyer or solicitor? what is the difference if any Blush
i no im a tad thick lols

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/01/2012 19:04

Yes savy. It happened with us. Ex couldn't keep up with the courts/ suggested contact etc. So in the end it was ruled no contact.

Original poster
savy57 · 01/01/2012 19:08

thats good atleast they have something in place were contact can be cut if they cant step up i just feel that it has to end somewhere and after 4 years hes had well more than enough chances so thanks for the info Olympia2012 i cant wait till its all sorted one way or another i would for sure love nothing more than for him to change and be their for ds but need to be realistic about things maybe a letter from solicitors will open his eyes

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Jellykat · 01/01/2012 19:51

savy, You need to see a solicitor that deals with family courts, preferably one that is recommended. If no one you know has used one, you could ring your local Womens Aid, and see if they can recommend one.

You can't take your XP to court, but a solicitor could write a letter to him along the lines of how you wish to negotiate regular contact in your DSs best interests. If he doesn't respond, or refuses, you will have evidence of his lack of commitment for future reference.

If you then refuse all contact, and he takes it to court, you will be able to show that you previously tried to establish contact regularly.
The main thing is to have things' in writing, and to be seen to acting with your sons best interests as top priority.
When courts make a contact order, an agreement is made, but the applicant (i.e your XP in your case) can still not show up somedays.. However remember that does mean he's gone back on the legal arrangement, which wouldn't go down well should it ever go back to court again.

Hope that makes sense.

Dee03 · 01/01/2012 20:32

Great advice jellykat.... I agree.

Original poster
savy57 · 01/01/2012 20:37

thank you JellyKat that makes sense will for sure sort out a solicitor this week and try get an appointment to see one next week when ds is back at nursery, thank you for the advice :)

OP posts:
Dee03 · 01/01/2012 20:57

Keep us updated savy and good luck. X

Jellykat · 01/01/2012 21:36

You're welcome savy Smile
Do let us know how you get on x

Original poster
savy57 · 02/01/2012 16:19

I've just recieved a txt from one of his family mebers asking if he can have ds for a few days next week :( was hoping I could get to solicitors first
I don't no if I should reply with Yes as long as it is at him mums or wither i should ask what's the longterm plan because he cant just take him when its suits him
I feel really uncomfortable droping my ds off without even speaking to ex about details or what's going to be happening with ds while he is with him

As for mediation how would u go about approaching this with ex bearing in mind I'm haven to speak to one of his family members? Should i just ask them to Ask if he's interested,

OP posts:
Dee03 · 02/01/2012 16:40

If you feel uncomfortable letting your ds go then I wouldn't let him go. Maybe text back and say you're unhappy with all that's been going on regarding your ds and you are no longer willing for this situation to continue for your ds sake, he deserves better from his dad....say you would like to go to mediation to sort things out and how would he feel about that....
It's so hard dealing with ex's..... I've been there twice myself.....

Dee03 · 02/01/2012 16:44

Also, does his family know he treats his ds like this....do you still have contact with his mum or dad for example or just the texts from the family member regarding contact??
I'd be mortified if any of my ds treated their children in this way......

Original poster
savy57 · 02/01/2012 16:52

It's his mum I'm in contact with through text she knows exactly what hes like I think she liked the fact i was with him so long so she didn't have to deal with him :( but of course she now hates me and I'm the bad one

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Original poster
savy57 · 02/01/2012 16:55

His mum also ignors ds she has seen him maybe about 10 times max in 4 years

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Dee03 · 02/01/2012 17:03

Ah that's horrible Sad
Well I would do whatever you feel comfortable doing.... If you don't want him to go I wouldn't let him go.... Offer mediation and see what response you get...your ds needs consistency, even if it's just 1 day a month!

I know it's hard but don't let him walk all over you and your ds....these men need to grow up and show some responsibility... It's not about him its about your ds...but at least your ds has one decent responsible parent....

Original poster
savy57 · 02/01/2012 18:25

ive just checked a legal aid calculator and im not entitled to any Hmm i typed in his details as well and it says ex isnt either but i no for a fact hes been in trouble with the law twiced in the last year both times got legal aid and still earning the same wage as he was then anybody know how this works does it depend on solicitors or what? because i no if he has to pay the legal fees their is very little chance he would take me to court

OP posts:
Dee03 · 02/01/2012 18:37

Not sure about legal aid really. I went to a solicitor 8 years ago about my exp and I got legal aid for a while but I wasn't working then. If I went for legal aid now I'm working 20 hours a week I think I wouldnt be entitled to it and I'd have to pay!