do i have any right to stop him seeing ds?

[savy57]

im guessing my best option is to get my self a lawyer but just want to know the basics if anybodys has some advice would be much appreciated

ds is 4 ex and i lived together for first 2 years or so he was violent and very aggressive especially when drinking(was quite often) he never done anything for or with ds at all wouldnt change a nappy make a bottle and the time came when i just new i had to finish things

cutting long story short for the last 2 years ex has taken ds 3 over nights max and his idea of contact is dissapearing for several months at a time then showing up demanding to see ds, and this contact involves a walk around the streets for an hour then brings him back and again dissapears for god knows how long again

before xmas he arranged to come take ds out for an hour or two twiced but never showed up the last straw was for me on xmas eve when ds was left sitting waiting on him
now i must say its not me telling ds its him on the odd time he has called he refuses to speake to me

he doesnt buy ds a thing cant even have the decency to send him an xmas card or bday card never mind a present

is their anything i can do to prevent him from just walking in and out as he pleases, ds is really starting to be affected by it now, and ive asked actualy begged him to either just dissapear for good or to start seeing ds reg even if it didnt involve any over nights (wich i would prefer anyways, as i have no idea how much he drinks these days or his behaviour/aggression

Unfortunately my background story is exactly the same as Dees..
But i'm pretty sure i've read on MN that some solicitors do a free 15 minute consultation - You could start a thread in Legal, or go to CAB?

What did you do about the text from his mum, have you replied? if you don't mind me asking..

ive not long replied took me ages tossing back and forth because i genuinly think if i gave him ds this time he probaly wouldnt ask for another 6 months but that suits me not ds so ive replied with ds needs reg contact or nothing at all and asked about mediation so awaiting response, i feel sick i hate all this wish the man would just jump off a cliff

A text isn't any good here. Certainly not via a third party. You need to write him a letter so you have it all in writing, sent recorded delivery, and keep a copy. You need it in writing so you can show what you tried should it ever come to court. Tell his mother that if he wants contact he needs to contact you via email/text to agree it and that you have a letter for him regarding contact and can she advise you where to post it please. If you can't get an address for him then send it via his mother or hand deliver it yourself when you next see him.

You can write the letter yourself or you can ask a solicitor to write it for you. They will charge a fee for this but you don't have to engage them any further than this unless you wish too. ANd yes you will get half an hour free with a solicitor - if you do go for this have all teh questions written our ready to make the most of your free half hour.
You don't have to have a solicitor even if he takes it to court, you can represent yourself and can ask for advise in the legal section on here.

Keep your letter brief and to the point and keep it unemotional. You need to refer to your ds and his requirements and that this is about him; don't say what you want, say you believe this to be in the best interests of your ds. Keep everything child focused at all times and bear in mind that all letters and commnication could be brought up in court some day so wwrite everything with that in mind. SHow yourself to be reasonable and acting in your ds's best interests and you'll be fine.

Something like...
Further to the recent request for contact with ds which was received via text from your mother I am writing to advise you that the ad hoc arrangement of contact is not working for ds and can not continue. I believe it to be in ds's best interest to have regular, consistant contact with you. Therefore I suggest you have contact with ds on(which ever day and times you think) and hope that you will agree to this. Please can you confirm that you agree to this or suggest alternative days and times if this isn't convienient for you. I would appreciate a response within two weeks on this matter.

Sounds good gillybean....

ahhh gillybean if only i had ur advice an hour ago :( text is now sent so to late to take it back but it never menchined anything about me was for sure only about ds and his need ive still not had any reply but will speak to solicitor and figure out for sure if im entitled to legal aid if not will put it in writting myself, ex p is very controling and has all ready told me he will do what it takes to have ds next xmas with his new gf and her dc's as i have no family he will enjoy nothing more than knowing im sitting my self. hes not bothered with ds in 4 years and i genuinly beleave the only reason he is trying to see him now is to impress the new gf so hopefuly the novilety for him will wear off

Don't panic, if they agree to regular contact, the rest can be in writing..If they don't reply, at least you've shown that they can't mess your DS around anymore.

Your XP and his family have to learn they're not the important ones, your DS is.
You are coming from the right place, and you've got your head screwed on so you can see this through savy, he can say what he likes re. next christmas, but he's got a whole year to be committed first!

You may also be right about novelty wearing off, i remember my solicitor saying to me after our last court case, which didn't go XPs' way... 'I'd be very surprised if you see him again'- we didn't for 6 years, then a grovelling letter and the rest was on mine and DSs terms.

i no thanks jellykat i just need to remind my self it is another year away, im official staying single for life ive never been made so misserable in all my life

thank you ladies advice is much appreciated and invaluable i will let use no how i get on at solicitors or indeed if i get responce from text message

Good luck x

God it's so so hard, but you're strong, and obviously have a very good heart.. .. and one day who knows savy?

Keep posting, good luck x