Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

when will I stop being so damn bitter and angry plus ex sending cards from him and his OW...

39 replies

Happylander · 30/12/2011 21:00

My ex who only left me 2 months ago for OW (although still strongly denying they had sex while we were together!) I am so angry and bitter and really really hate the fact he is off having a grand old time on holiday with this woman. Plus I found out today he has signed christmas cards from him, OW, his daughter by first marriage and my DS. Now my DS has never met this woman and I know I am probably over reacting but this has really upset me and made me even more angry.

When will it get better for me? He is having the time of his life and buying loads of clothes, going out, going on holiday abroad and weekends away while I am struggling to survive on £62 a month for food and heating. I am just finding this so hard and it is all I think about along with traumatic birth memories as I have PTSD. I am sick of it. His life seems so rosy and fun. I can't afford clothes, nights out, haircuts etc etc. He is still continuing to threaten me with custody.

The only thing I feel I can look forward to is a holiday that I booked and paid for before he dumped me and so would lose money if I didn't go and my family have given me money to spend on it. Everything else seems so bleak. Many years of poverty, no chance to meet anyone else, all the tantrums from a toddler and life of work, child and not much else. I have great friends and family so that has helped but it is the nights like this where I am on my own and seething that he is having a great time.

Mind you I suppose only having £62 a month means I'll probably be a size 4 by the end of March LOL

Somebody tells me it gets better please and if anyone had got any tips on how to live on so little then please tell me. I already shop at LIDL Grin

OP posts:
thefroggy · 30/12/2011 21:14

£62 a month??! Are you claiming everything you are eligible for? Shock

Happylander · 30/12/2011 21:31

yes and have had to go begging from charities (british legion, ssafa) as I am so worried about losing home.

I am so tired of being angry and stressed and worried and it has only been 2 months. I have years of this. Of never having any money to spend on my DS or myself. I am so so bitter.

OP posts:
thefroggy · 30/12/2011 21:52

That doesn't sound right at all. If you're claiming everything you should have more to live on than that. Does he pay you any maintenance?

Understand if you dont want to say but if you have debts you're struggling to pay contact cccs, they're great and sorted me out very quickly.

Happylander · 30/12/2011 21:56

I have a loan and also a mortgage. he is paying bare minimum and nothing towards loan or mortgage. I have begged him for more but he just threatens me with custody of our DS as he says I can't afford to look after him properly.

I have been to CAB.

OP posts:
thefroggy · 30/12/2011 22:10

Has the maintenance gone through the csa? He cant threaten you like that, he's trying to bully you.

With regard to the loan, please do give cccs a call. They dont charge for their service. They will take all your details by phone and figure out the best course of action for you.

I find CAB to normally be very good but it can take a long time to get things sorted out.

Can I ask if you work? If so are you claiming everything you can there, working tax, childcare etc..sorry if that's obvious, just thinking out loud!

Happylander · 30/12/2011 22:24

He went through csa so he didn't have to pay me the extra £80 I was asking for. Although I received a letter from them stating that no more maintenance payments needed to be made??? I am not sure what that means really or why.

I work 34.5 hours a week.

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 30/12/2011 22:28

Presume you're getting tax credits and have told them that you're now a single parent? The payments should go up if you were previously claiming as a couple and your ex was earning.

Can you speak to the bank to get the mortgage over a longer time period, or interest only?

But remember that if your ex is a twat, he will not be having a great life. Sounds like he is building up a fantasy land with the christmas cards. And you won't lose your DS to him just because you're poor. If DS is asleep now, go and look at him and remind yourself that you have him and that is what matters.

thefroggy · 30/12/2011 22:33

It could mean anything with them! You should call them back and ask for it to be explained. Dont let them fob you off by saying they'll put it in writing because apparently you have to allow 12 weeks for a letter to be sent, which wont arrive, you'll call again, wait another 12 weeks and so on. I asked for a breakdown of what had been paid and when. It took them a year to send it.

Happylander · 30/12/2011 22:36

I have spoken to the mortgage company and they won't change term of mortgage. I was off sick for 10 months this year and tried to change to interest only but they said they would only give it in extreme circumstances. It is a joint mortgage and so they would see it as extreme as they would consider both our wages I think even though he isn't paying.

OP posts:
Happylander · 30/12/2011 22:37

sorry would not see it as extreme

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 30/12/2011 22:43

Sounds like you may need to sell the house and buy or rent somewhere that's just yours. Or could you feasibly buy him out if you, say, took in a lodger or something?

froggies · 30/12/2011 22:44

Sorry, this is going to be long...£62 a month is very tight, I also have a very tight budget, this is how I make it stretch as far as possible.
I am assuming this is after your mortgage, loans, insurances council tax etc have been paid.... It is worth looking at all of your standard outgoing s to see if you can reduce any, are there any contracts for things like tv or phone that can be reduced or cancelled? Look at insurances when they come up for renewal and see if you can get lower premiums. It can work to swap credit card balance onto a new one with 0% interest, then pay your insurances in one on the new card and pay off the card within the interest offer, this is cheaper than many spread the payment deals. speak to your lender for the loan, see if you can extend the loan period to reduce the payments, you will probably end up paying more overall though, so weigh it up carefully, you may be bale to up your payments again at a later date when things are easier so it is worth talking to them.

If you smoke, stop. If you drink, look at reducing, no point in cutting out all of your luxuries though as it will just make you feel down.

Making your budget go as far as possible.... At this time of year heating is the big cost. Monitor your use of your heating, make sure it isn't on when you are not in, if you have a timer set it so it comes on half an hour before you are due home, so it is warm when you get. It can be a pain to do this every time you go out for the day, but it can save you loads. Turn your thermostat down a wee bit and wear an extra layer during the day, make sure you have plenty of blankets and a hot water bottle at night so you don't need to have the heating on over night (the barley microwave ones Are good for DC's). If you have TRV's fitted to your radiators, use them and keep room doors closed so that they work efficiently, and it reduces draughts.
Food wise....cook from basics, it is much much cheaper than buying pre made stuff. Look at reducing the amount of meat you eat, it is very expensive and can be replaced with pulses, which are much cheaper and give good variety for DC's they are also filling. (I aim for alternate days meat and veggie. My teen hates it, but it really reduced the sopping bill). If you are close to a supermarket and it is practical; go in every day and only buy the food you need for that days meals, look on the reduced counter and base a meal around what is there and cheap. When buying household stuff avoid the cheapest of the cheap because often you end up using more to get the same result and it costs more in the end, look at price per kg or lt etc to compare which is the best deal, tedious and time consuming, but often worth it.
Look at ways of bringing in extra cash - you do't say if you work or not, but... If you work 16 hrs a week you will qualify for tax credits, which I have found a total god send. If you go out to work they will also help with childcare costs. If you work from home, you can count a proportion of your heating bills as business expences, which reduces your profits and therefore the amont of tax you pay out, and you might be able to keep DC with you, saving childcare costs.
Do you do any crafty things that you could make and sell on eBay/folksy, can you do cleaning etc etc etc that will bring a wee bit extra cash in, get you out of the house.....? All worth looking at and exploring.
And it sounds silly, but only buy what you need. You can always start a savings jar for what you want, a pound every now and then, and when there is enough you can totally justify buying that new perfume/top/cd without feeling guilty about it. You don't say how old DC is, but it won't do any harm to encourage him to save for things he wants to, and as long as he has heaps of love, it will outweigh not having heaps of things any day, and he will appreciate the things that he does have if he knows he won't get another if it breaks/gets lost etc. and he has helped save up for it.
Sorry it's long, you are probably doing all of these things anyway, but there might be something that helps?

Happylander · 30/12/2011 23:03

Yeah I do all that already. In fact the only time the heating is on is a couple of hours before DS has his bath. he is 2. I work 34.5 hours a week. I am trying to rent room out but no luck so far. No money at all on credit cards.

I think I need some good cheap recipes with pulses and not really used to cooking with those.

I don't smoke, only drink when I go round friends houses and that is rare as normally have DS and can't look after him with a hangover as way too painful LOL.

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 30/12/2011 23:13

I rented a room out for 3 years. Was great money and mostly nice to have the company too. Found my first lodger via gum tree, and then via friends. But I live an a town with a lot of people looking for rooms, so it was easy to find someone. Language students are the other option people take round here for some extra cash - though you have to cook for them, and only any use if you live near a language school.

thefroggy · 30/12/2011 23:14

Some great tips there froggies. For meat I often go to the supermarket late afternoon ish and pick up reduced stuff to freeze. I always try to buy veg from markets, I can get a huge bag for about £3. I use ebay sometimes to buy things as daft as bin bags (even with postage they're cheaper). I change my gas/elec supplier every time the contract runs out, same for insurance. I sell bits on ebay in the run up to Christmas and Birthdays and sent a load of old cds, games etc to Music Magpie recently. Even old mobiles sitting in drawers can be sold for a few quid online.

Apologies btw for my name being so similar to yours, i've only had it a few weeks after I flounced over the fb button maybe I should have a rethink Smile

thefroggy · 30/12/2011 23:16

I just remembered a site happylander where you put in what food items you've got knocking around and it throws up a recipe for you, anyone know what its called?

Happylander · 30/12/2011 23:18

purpleroses did you worry about strangers being in your house with your kids and yourself. I think the reason why I haven't gone full pelt at finding a lodger is that I have had my trust in human nature knocked out of me by my ex and feel a little uneasy about a lodger. How did you check references?

I have never got veg from a market so will give that a go. I normally go to Lidl

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 30/12/2011 23:23

I did give it some though - esp the first time when I was advertising so it was a stranger. When I put the advert it I described it as a room in a family house and didn't mention me being a lone parent, just so as not to wave a red flag at any weirdos out there. I put the rent at what is for this area a pretty good rate, so that I knew I'd get a choice of person and then told them all they'd have to come round on a certain evening to look at the room and meet me and the DCs. 4 people came (all men as it happened) and me and the DCs decided which one to offer the room to. He offered a reference from his past landlady, though I never actually took it up. He was very rarely ever alone with the DCs, and I never had any worries at all tbh. We got on fine.

Purpleroses · 30/12/2011 23:24

thought not though

froggies · 30/12/2011 23:24

So totally know where you are coming from!

I often look on line for recipes, BBC is quite good. when I haven't got a clue, I put the ingredient into google, then sift through what appears to see what sounds ok, or is quick to make, or I have the other ingredients for.

I also grow a lot of my own veg, it could be worth a shot? A fun thing to do with DS, that you can also eat, mine love growing salad stuff, lettuces and radishes are quick to grow, and work out cheaper than buying. We had a cucumber growing competition one year to see who could grow the biggest.

Renting a room sounds like a good option. Are you near a college/uni? Might be worth placing an add there, you could be lucky and get a mature student, who knows how to wash up!

Bossybritches22 · 30/12/2011 23:27

spareroom.com have loads of potential lodgers & advice on how to handle it all. Works well & you can charge up to £350 pcm tax-free under the rent-a room scheme & it doesn't affect your tax credits.

I opted for a Mon-Fri lodger as it gave us more privacy at w/e's .

It's so hard right now but try & rise above your ex's petty behaviours, it will get better but you're understandably raw about it all just now.

Have a look in the credit crunch threads- loads of advice there.

Purpleroses · 30/12/2011 23:28

Oh, and I also (on the suggestion of a friend who's had lodgers for years) made up a list of "house rules" (eg do own washing up straight after each meal, no groups of friends round after 9pm, etc) which I showed to the people who looked round to check they were OK with it.
Worth thinking about use of living room, etc - you don't have to share this with a lodger if you don't want to - though obviously they need access to kitchen and bathroom, you can stipulate some rules about the times when you'd prefer them not to be using them if possible.

Happylander · 30/12/2011 23:28

Yes plan to grow veg next year as have a lovely little spot down the side of the house. My sister bought my DS a little wheel barrow, spade and rake for christmas now I just have to have some idea on what to plant and when LOL.

I am lucky to be in this bungalow as it used to be my nan's and it has a good garden.

I have only advertised room as females only but may change it and see how it goes.

OP posts:
thefroggy · 30/12/2011 23:29

In my experience market veg lasts much longer too. Do you ever go to Asda? Some of their smart price stuff is dirt cheap (cheaper than Lidl even). Kitchen foil for example...the price of that stuff!

I go to the pound shop for things like toothpaste and deodorant, they sell all the good brands.

froggies · 30/12/2011 23:42

There is a series of books, I think it is expert Gardner or something like that, the vegetable one brilliant. Easy to read and useful. You could probably get it from the library, most stuff needs to be planted march and may, but some things are earlier, so now is a good time to start thinking about it. You won't need a whole packet of seeds, so you could split the seeds, and cost of them with a friend?

Oh and thefroggy, cool name, stay with it :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread