when will I stop being so damn bitter and angry plus ex sending cards from him and his OW...

[Happylander]

My ex who only left me 2 months ago for OW (although still strongly denying they had sex while we were together!) I am so angry and bitter and really really hate the fact he is off having a grand old time on holiday with this woman. Plus I found out today he has signed christmas cards from him, OW, his daughter by first marriage and my DS. Now my DS has never met this woman and I know I am probably over reacting but this has really upset me and made me even more angry.

When will it get better for me? He is having the time of his life and buying loads of clothes, going out, going on holiday abroad and weekends away while I am struggling to survive on £62 a month for food and heating. I am just finding this so hard and it is all I think about along with traumatic birth memories as I have PTSD. I am sick of it. His life seems so rosy and fun. I can't afford clothes, nights out, haircuts etc etc. He is still continuing to threaten me with custody.

The only thing I feel I can look forward to is a holiday that I booked and paid for before he dumped me and so would lose money if I didn't go and my family have given me money to spend on it. Everything else seems so bleak. Many years of poverty, no chance to meet anyone else, all the tantrums from a toddler and life of work, child and not much else. I have great friends and family so that has helped but it is the nights like this where I am on my own and seething that he is having a great time.

Mind you I suppose only having £62 a month means I'll probably be a size 4 by the end of March LOL

Somebody tells me it gets better please and if anyone had got any tips on how to live on so little then please tell me. I already shop at LIDL

Well it will affect him if you jointly default on the mortgage!

how much equity is there in the house?

If you and your ds shared a room does it mean that a lodger could have their own sitting room as well as a bedroom?

Any large local companies that may have people wanting to rent a couple of nights per week only?

I tried to grow veg last year and failed miserably. I got a few twisty carrots for my trouble (and I had planted all sorts of things), they were bitter as hell.

I'm better at bargain hunting it seems

Not trying to discourage you happylander (types quickly)

so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar position and buried my head inthe sand for months. Am only just now getting onto the finances. You have had some great suggestions above.

You may find some good veggie cookery books in the charity shops - they always seem to have loads round my way. I am veggie but do find cheese very expensive. I use quorn which is often on offer. But you do need to make sure you get protein. I need to empty my cupboards - I am over stocked which is silly and wasteful. But it will make me be creative with my cooking.

I reduced my contents cover on the house insurance as ex (twat) took all his belongings with him so that reduces the premium a bit.

If I buy online I always use quidco now. It gets me a few pounds a quarter.

I do have an annual alarm servicing contract and have reduced that to annual service not every 6 months and that has cut some off the bill.

You can rent out a parking space for commuters if you are near a station.

My friend today was telling me about child tax credits which are apparently different to working tax credits. (Hoping so anyway). I do party plan so really would find trying to claim for the 16 hrs per week very hard to prove.

Selling things on ebay - good idea - also consider the local NCT sales for baby/child stuff - they give guidance on pricing, My local sales take 30% but I have found I sell well and only need to label not pack up and post!!

Get yourself some legal advice, quick. if the mortgage is in joint names, presumably the house is too, ie your ex will be entitled to a share. you need to know what the legal situation is before you put large sums of money into paying the joint mortgage, which you may not get back in the divorce settlement.

Veryconfused, you can claim child tax credits whether you work or not.

Working tax becomes difficult if you dont work set hours/have a set income, it can be an absolute nightmare. Their systems just cant cope with it and it causes awful cock ups. It limits your work choices. I wont under any circumstances take a temp job, or do holiday cover, overtime because of this. I ended up in debt because of IR cock ups and I cant risk it again. Unfortunately, this does not make me a great candidate for a position as I cant promise to be flexible.

Try asda's 'whoops counter' in the evening time, it often has some good bargains. My other half came home with 2 packets of bagels and 2 naan breads which had cost him 10p each. Then you can just put them straight in the freezer.

Did I really just say I wasn't a great candidate for a position as I wasn't flexible?

Sigh.

zips gob.

veryconfused - you should be fine with the hours re tax credits - I used to do partly self-emplyed work and they simply ask you how many hours a week you do. As long as what you put looks roughly plausible, I think you'd be fine.

OP - agree you need to sort out the house and mortgage asap - if it's just a joint mortgage you should be able to find out your options from the bank and get things moving fairly quickly. If you are still married though it's nore complicated.

Not legally married... long story but first wife found we had set a date and then pulled out divorce by we had planned on doing the legal bit and then having an outside ceremony so we just went with ceremony and planned on doing the legal bit some other time. He is still not divorced from her mind you I am bloody glad now. I wasn't the OW in his marriage or so I thought as she had thrown him out for having a one night stand 6 months prior to meeting me according to him and he had had that one night stand after her affair. He told me they were separated and I insisted on seeing his Army papers that proved his separation status however 6-7 months ago I saw evidence that showed they had got back together and were together when he met me. Explains some of her behaviour towards me and him. She said he would do it to me but I couldn't understand what she was getting at as he said they were separated and that she didn't want him back. I have learnt some very valuable lessons and should have gone with my gut instincts when i met him but he is a very good liar.

He only owns 18% on paper as he signed a deeds of trust when we bought it. No equity in it and my solicitor is going to arrange papers to say he has no interest in the property and sign it all to me but will leave name on mortgage until I can afford mortgage in my own right. He has agreed, or should I say had because who knows what is going on his head, and think he agreed as he can be forced to pay his share until DS is 18 if I really push it. Plus mortgage company told him he can't get his name off unless I agree and I won't as this was my nan's house. Hopefully paperwork will be sorted in New Year for all that.

Feeling much better today. Think I was more stressed as it was Friday night, over christmas and he is on a luxury holiday with his new gullible woman. GRRRRR!!!

outside
ceremony in a place I played as a kid

I can advise you on the veg side of things - buy your seeds on ebay from premier_seeds they are far far cheaper than anywhere and they always grow. I never consider other seeds now.
Carrots - grow in buckets in well sieved soil with an onion set in the middle - the carrot fly hates onions - sow tomatoes now indoors, im doing mine tomorrow. Do use pots near the house so you always can water them even if you are tired. Plant peas in batches 4 weeks apart so you can crop them for weeks. This is a fab site for advice www.bbc.co.uk/gardening/digin/

Use empty milk bottles as mini cloches over the top of seedlings and freebie newspaper and empty loo rolls make great seed pots

As for not feeling bitter, took me years to come to terms with his lifestyle compared to mine. I think the months living just on the child benefit whilst they holidayed time and time again just made me so angry. but it gets easier - now I am mostly over all those feelings but they rear up every now and then

Hi I went to the top solicitors I could find in my local town that did free half hour legal advice (that specialised in family law and mediation) she said I would be in with her for as long as it took (she was lovely!) and I had at least an hour. It sounds like you should def go and there is a massive gap already in his standard of living and yours, get as much detail of your ex's salary if you can (they won't accept any paperwork you have held on ex's salary) but if you have a vague idea then that would be good) she was so good and reassuring and I am going back next week for a paid session to get my finances sorted out. There is an excellent site which helps with everything you may be entitled to - will go and find the link x

here are some of the links I was sent by child maintenance options:

Thank you very much for speaking with us here at Child Maintenance Options.
As you may be aware, at Child Maintenance Options we provide impartial information and support to both parents and anyone with an interest in child maintenance. We can also offer help with wider issues regarding separation.
During the conversation we had with you, we discussed various topics. To summarise, we talked about:

Who we are
How we can help
How maintenance affects benefits
How to negotiate maintenance
Online calculator
Discussion Guide
Consent order
CSA
Family Arrangement
Money and finance
Financial planning in the future
How my child might feel
For your records, please find below the contact details for the suggested organisations that we discussed with you:

Organisation: Child Maintenance Options
Telephone: 08009880988
Website: www.cmoptions.org
Organisation: Family Lives
Telephone: 0808 8002 222
Website: www.familylives.org.uk
Organisation: HM Revenue and Customs
Telephone: 0845 300 3900
Website: www.taxcredits.inlandrevenue.gov.uk