Need to tell something that really weighs on my mind but dont want a pasting

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Is anyone around to listen? If you want to give me the hard truth I will cope with that but I do so want to get some opinions as it has eaten me up for nearly four years now.

I'll listen. Not sure how much help i will be but go ahead.....

I will put this in relationships too maybe

Ok

Tell us, we will be kind

Hi UA.

How are you? Was thinking of you recently and wondering how you're getting on. How long has it been since the ex vanished? Can it be almost 4 years?

Hello UA. Nice to 'see' you.

What is it, UA?

Hi...I'm a lone parent and I'm here if you want to offload

I'm here.

Hello, UA. I remember your name from the NPD threads. Are you okay?

just trying to get tea on. have not gone anywhere will come back shortly. ds also being trying.

been thinking about how to explain it. When exH ran away (most posters wont remember but some may do) he too all our money - drained our joint bank account up to its ten thousand pound overdraft limit, transferred 30k from our joint savings account (though really it seemed like 'his' money as his father had left it to him - this is one of the problems i have with it all) and lef tme when i was jobless and ds was 6 months old.

However, he walked away with, yes 40 or fiftyk but he left me what we had - ie a house worth 250k and we had a rented-out cottage, which I eventually sold. made no profit but got the deposit back. So i have a few thousand savings.

But I am 48 next year and ds is 4. H went to Thailand and I was utterly fucked as anyone who might remember the thread will know.

but my problem is, yes, i have this money in the bank. I'm not working as I am stuffed frankly emotionally and dont know what the hell I'm doing.
His family blame me because I know they think I somehow 'screwed' him financially so they have nothing to do with us.

ExH had a lot of sex with prostitutes on the mkoney then got married and is living a very nice life in thailand with his bnurmese wife and prob more chidlren. i really dont know.

The thing is, there was never any financial sdettlement from the marriage as i only managed to divorce him on the strength of a one line email. But If there had been a settlement then I probably would have been left with less ' money in the bank' but he would have seen ds if things were normal - shared loving and raising him, shared the financial input etc. I know I have money in the bank and lots of people tell me i am lucky for this. But I dont feel lucky for it. Its a thing that makes me feel really shit.

Yes it could be worse. I could really not have anything and I dont actually know how I would survive without it as i am spending it. But i did work for 20 years and I supported him so much financially.

He sent me the most awful text a couple of years ago telling me i should slice off my cellulite and fucking choke on it. abusive. but then I have 'his' money. I dont know what I am trying to say actually.

I feel a fraud as i have the cottage money. But my son is 4 and I face a lifetime of having to pay for everything. But maybe maybe fuck I dont know what maybe actually.

I don't get the problem here though?

As I understand it when people split they don't always divide assets 50:50. He obviously took what he wanted so I'd say that is that.

Sorry you have been through such a lot though.

So he gives no child support, you aren't entitled to benefits as you have savings and you don't work? How do you live day to day?

I am sorry but I don't understand what you are wanting to discuss.

I don't understand the problem, OP. He walked away. You didn't kick him without a penny, did you? He took the money. He walked away from the house. You didn't have a say in anything there, did you? Why on earth are you feeling guilty?

If I were his family, I'd shut up about this man, with his habit of going to Thai prostitutes and abandoning a wife and small child.

As for the nasty email - change your email address and don't tell him your new one.

I'll tell you something, though - having a bit of money and a house you own isn't something to feel awful about. It's something to celebrate.

About a job - could you invest in training?

what IB just said.

I wouldn't be feeling guilty. Pissed off with him and his family though.

He treated you both like shit and hot-footed it to Thailand. Good for you for having the sense to sell the cottage so you have financial back up .

When does your DS start school, next Sept?

If it were a problem for him he would be here in the UK saying "sell the house, I want my half/give me half for the cottage etc" and generally sorting it out. But he's not here doing that because he knows he well and truly shafted you - you're on your own with no income and a 4 year old.

You seem to be feeling guilty, and I don't understand why. There is no reason for it - and your Ex's actions, or lack of action, back that up.

I suspect your guilt is partly confusion based because he had so little to do with the divorce proceedings and because he is the other side of the world giving you no clue if he is going to come back when his money has run out and demand his share of the house. Dont feel guilty, he dumped you and your child he deserves a slap going about it the way he did imo!
I know you say you have savings but are you sure you have more than the limit for benefits? there is a benefit check up link on here : www.moneysavingexpert.com/health/?tab=34

I also think you sound depressed and could do with some counseling - go to your dr , then you will be able to work out what is really bothering you about it all. Huge hugs to you xxx

Hi UA. I too wondered how you and DS were doing. Can't believe it is almost 4 years.

Right. Do not feel guilty. He left you and DS. And his other DDs if I remember correctly. He made his choice. He walked away leaving you with an overdraft? You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Sounds like you haven't made a decision yet that the money is yours. It is. he took what he wanted, more than he needed or should have taken without consent. You are now divorced. the money from all sales is yours and your DCs. Don't agonise over it again. Waste of energy. Make a list of some practical and lovely things you can spend it on, including providing for DCs future (eg set some aside for uni fees if you can.) Maybe some for you to retrain or set up a business that is compatible with child rearing.

You asked for advice. Mine is: make 2012 the year you absolutely draw a line under your previous relationship. Make some strong and positive choices regarding your present and future. The money is only a means to security and wider life choices - don't give it an emotional weight it need not have. It is a lump sum child maintenance, if you like, and so you deserve full access to it and decisions on how it is spent, as you are the sole raiser of your DC.

Get yourself up and running and feeling good about yourself as soon as you can, and use the money to help you do this.

thanks one and all. [cry]. I feel bad as I stopped cleaning and so want to do something with my life. but finding it difficult to operate with no support. Ds had his first sleepover last week - It was fantastic but has made me realise how i have had no respite for three long years. My lovely old dream of being a SAHM until DS started school went up in flames when exH disappeared. I would have loved to have had another child. I am strong in so many respects but actually such a lazy fuckwit too as am relying on 'the money' to keep me going - with some imaginary illusory thought that eventually i will strike upon a way of earning a decent wage.