Need to tell something that really weighs on my mind but dont want a pasting

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Is anyone around to listen? If you want to give me the hard truth I will cope with that but I do so want to get some opinions as it has eaten me up for nearly four years now.

I was a journo in past life. Relatively successful. Few months after exH ran away I started cleaning.

floudering with that as have been combining it with trying to get some small business off the ground. I will come through. its very importatn to talk to people though as I get, not lonely as such, but just terminally bored and my brain shrinks and emotions take over from salient brain! [love MN]

I didn't read your posts from 4 years ago when your husband left so I am new to your story. I agree with other posters - in particular racingheart. It sounds as if you are angry/upset/confused because you have never had satisfactory "closure". This is a terribly over-used word but we all know what it means! Unfortunately life very rarely gives us neatly packaged chapters to our lives and things can be chaotic for years and years.

I think you need to a) give yourself a break; it sounds like you went through absolute hell and b) accept that it's going to take more time for things to get a bit better. They will, eventually. It might happen slowly though.

Really, perhaps it is better that you don't have any contact with him? Isn't it better that he's far away?

I read your story as it was recomended to me because our situations were so similar.

I'm sorry that you are still feeling guilty about this, even though have no need to, but you cant help the way you feel.

The fact that he left has hasnt even battered an eyelid about it, even years later is the biggest kind of rejection you and your son can have. It hurts. For years.

You are still hurting at the lies, deciet, rejection and another million other things so it's no wonder all of your drive has gone. Your dreams have been tossed away and shattered without a care in the world like glass on tiles and it's such a horrible thing I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy and your trust in everyone has been quickly erroded away by the actions of those who should have help you or at the very least recognised the shit you have to deal with.

Yes you have savings and a cottage that you sold and it may help financially, but money doesnt help you mentally try to recover and start again emotionally.

Indifference is the most hurtful way to act towards someone and that is all he has shown towards you and your boy. Knowing that not just your husband, who was supposed to be the one to help support you in these situations but everyone else in your circle of people that you knew..well and truly couldnt give a shit. As long as it doesnt affect them, they dont care.

How are you supposed to deal with that hurt, rejection and anger when you have to keep a lid on it in front of your son? You have no-one to scream at, cry with and no apology. Just a short sentance which was used for the divorce.

It's no wonder that you are still all over the place and will be for a long time yet. The only thing you can do is the thing you are doing now. Take it all one day at a time, do what you need to do, enjoy the up days and wallow in the down ones. When you are ready, you can do a course, or start writing again, a job to earn a living with.

Until then, just keep wading through that mud.

molepole, I don't know who you are or how you know, but everything you have written is just exactly how it is. You have put into words the thoughts and feelings that I haven't been able to.

I am very grateful. Because that's just it; no amount of money, and it's not even that much but thank god for it or I would probably be six feet under, can undo the pain.

I am much better than I was, but the money dwindles and you are so right -my drive is still low and slow at returning. Before it all happened I was fiercely strong and such a doer.

But having that acknowledged and understood even by a stranger on here has done me the power of good. I will keep wading. By god I will keep wading and ds and I will be ok. [stern stare at self and massive thanks.]

I'll PM you the reason why your thread was recommended to me later (got a few things to do first in RL).

Hang in there, I can relate to it more than you realise.

I remember you very well. You haven't got anything to feel guilty about.

These people - he and his family - are money and status obsessed. You have seen plenty of evidence that they are sociopathic/psychopathic/narcissistic/personality disordered (delete as applicable). Goodness knows which, but it it really doesn't matter.

No doubt they have been rewriting history and will continue to do so. Because for them money = good it will be all about what you 'got' in their minds. Your reaction is probably to do with the fact you know they will be saying these things. The continued injustice must be hard to bear.

Since for you money = food and shelter, I am glad you have a small amount to keep you going. You will start that business and do well I am sure. It's still early days really considering what you've been through.

Thanks. It all helps a lot. x
molepom did you go through the same experience?

Please don't call yourself a lazy fuckwit or say that your desire to find a job that fits in with looking after your child is illusory. Those are pretty aggressive, vicious judgements on yourself and you don't need that.
You went through a really hellish time but it does sound like you're surfacing from it and starting to think about stuff like the money and plans for work. You will make it through this. I'm really glad you weren't flat broke too.

If you were a journo, maybe you can make your living using your writing skills - copywriting or publicity and marketing locally? Or setting up one of those local magazines that tell you what's on and earn their way through small ads. You don't sound like a lazy fuckwit at all. You sound like you coped during an unbelievably horrible time. Give yourself credit for that. And now have some fun!

Just PM'd you, sorry it's a bit long.