How do you create a feeling of family when it's just the two of you?

[StarsAreShining]

The feeling of coming home to be with my family is missing. My house doesn't feel like a home and I get no 'family' feeling when I'm with my son. The house feels like a big, empty house which I just happen to live in. I never feel particularly comfortable here and never feel as though i'm coming 'home'. It's just back to this building. There really is no feeling of family either. I don't even know what families do or how they manage to have such fun together. I just feel overwhelmed and tired all of the time. I know that there's nothing wrong with this house, but it's my perception of the house. Recently started treatment for depression. I've never felt happy here. What do you do with your child on a weekend? How do you just relax and have fun as a family? I usually end up just sitting there wishing I could be left alone or forcing us to go out just so that we're not in. None of it is fun or particularly jolly. What's the secret to get that feeling?

Hi, I totally feel where your coming from. I separated from my husband in June, while on medication for depression. I started it to help me get in a better frame of mind to be able to make the move to leave him. Since then me and my DD also had to move due to many reasons and we are now in a 2 bed flat. I involve her in many decisions, like decorating, what to have for dinner and I also let her take the lead in what we do at weekends. We enjoy snuggling on the sofa watching movies under a duvet with popcorn. We also go out to dinner about once an month. We have our own little routine that we share with no one, like a glass of wine on a saturday night with tea (she has shloer in a plastic wine glass). Due to my medication I felt very hazy for quite a while so felt I let her take the lead in what we did. I have now come off my medication and me and my DD are having the girly time of our lives. We don't worry about what people think and you may see us dancing on our own to buskers in the street, but we're happy and comfortable in our own world.

You can do it, just give yourself time and all will work out. Just let your son take the lead as his happiness will make you feel happy. He still needs boundaries and I found it had to be firm with DD when feeling low but my DD seemed to read me and pushed me less. She has been my angel and got me through a tough time. I'm sure you're DS will become you're angel too and guide you through.

Take care and I hope this helps.

That's exactly the kind of feeling I'm after, but I just don't get it. My son is almost four, so we can't really do lots of proper things together. I also have problems with getting him to play alone. It's just bloody hard work most of the time, rather than fun. So drained all of the time. I never feel as though I enjoy the time we spend together. I just get through it.

i lived on my own with ds1 from when he was tiny until he was nearly 6.

like 12bec, we were probably fairly unconventional and just sort of created our own little world, which i think helped us feel like a family - off the top of my head, favourite regular activities at age 3/4 included:

making a disco by pulling the curtains and getting torches and putting stupidly loud music on, moving sofas to make a dance floor

doing 'experiments' in the kitchen, basically i'd let ds1 use any ingredients he liked to mix up horrible potions

baking bread rolls in the shape of the letters of our names

getting on a bus and seeing where it took us

one person sitting on the sofa and the other practising creeping up behind them without them hearing

we also had a cat who we both adored, that probably helps with feeling bonded as a family... doesn't have to be a cat, even just a hamster or some fish might give you that feeling?

Great list of activities there. Also try making 'Ubelick' - cornflour and water, it looks like liquid but feels solid. Add different food colours to small amount and try mixing them for weird mixes!!

Feeding the ducks is also something we love doing. DD gets excited all week about saving up the bread, gives her a focus sometimes.

All of that stuff sounds great. It's just made me realise that it's my depression which is the problem, again. The thought of doing any of that sounds absolutely exhausting to me. I wouldn't find any of it fun. I would be drained and have to do a lot of fake smiles, wishing it was over after a few minutes. Feel so shitty about it.

i don't think i found a lot of it fun exactly.... i mean, sometimes it was bloody hard work, and i would much rather have been doing something else. but then ds1 would be so happy that i would catch a bit of his enthusiasm, and once in a while i'd feel like i was doing an ok job after all.

don't be too hard on yourself (i know that's easy for me to say) but it really is incredibly difficult having to be everything to your child - not having anyone else to bounce off of, having to be good cop AND bad cop all the time, having to make all the decisions about everything large and small... so try to give yourself some credit for what you're achieving... the addition of depression to anything of course is making it even more difficult. i hope things improve for you.

Just do what you can. Ask to be referred to a counsellor, I did and found it was just as helpful as the medication. Set yourself small tasks maybe twice a week to start with up to once a day. Be honest with friends and family, I had my friends come and drag me out sometimes. It was a big help and I also needed to learn the art of receiving!! Be it emotion or physical, or the odd bunch of fllowers.

We have a very small family: just me, DH and DS. I appreciate it is not the same as being a lone parent, but I do worry about creating that 'family' feeling when DS has no siblings.

He is 8 now and loves what we have steadily established as family traditions/family time. So on a larger scale, we go to the pantomime every Christmas and visit the German Christmas fair and have hot fresh doughnuts afterwards. It sounds silly, but each year he is as excited about the doughnuts as the pantomime! On a smaller scale, we cuddle up and have tea in front of the TV every Saturday night - at the moment we are all watching Strictly together and arguing over who should win. I play board games with him as often as possible as well, and we still have bedtime stories. These are not big things but they are what make our family for DS.

So setting up little routines and traditions can really create a sense of family identity for you and your DS.

I'm seeing the doctor again in a week, and he said that he's going to talk to me about therapy then. I've finally told friends and family what's been happening. I just think that that kind of thing is beyond me at the moment. I'm struggling to even get him showered and dressed at the moment. Mom comes around before work to get it done for me.

How did you fit in cleaning? How did those activities happen? Did you just stand up and suggest it in a forced way or did it happen naturally? I know this might be weird, but could you tell me what your kind of daily routine was? I really need to change things. There's a distinct lack of fun in this house.

To be honest my house was a tip!! Cleaning was a low priority. Washing only got done when I realised I had no clean knickers in my drawer. I never planned what was for dinner in advance that was done day to day. I would throw myself in the shower most mornings as my 'aim of the day'. A lot of went on is quite hazy, I drank too much for a couple of months, which I'm ashamed of but it happened. My main symptom of depression was paranoia, I thought someone would take DD away so I made sure that to the outside world we looked like we were coping. My family live away and they don't come to visit much, and i restricted the friends I let in my house, I didn't want people to know I was struggling. Once I became honest with them I found they were much more helpful. I also had PND with the same symptoms so knew I could work through it.

Also be totally honest with your GP. I felt so awful telling mine that I had thoughts of self harm but never did anything in that sense, because I knew if I did anything my DD would be 1st on the scene. I was also concerned that this might led to them contacting social service to take my DD away, but nothing happened and I got through. It was slow and I still have bad days 8 months on but its something I have to work with.

it was 5 years ago for me, so i'm trying to remember what our routine was like. we were always up and dressed first thing and then would walk down to the supermarket to buy food for the day around 9am.

ds1 really liked cleaning (still does, odd child) and would happily stand on a chair shining the windows or do the hoovering etc, so that became part of the day's 'fun' activities.

we always had lunch at roughly the same time, and found a local cafe we liked to go to for a sandwich quite often, so that again became a 'family routine' and gave me a bit of a sense of belonging because the cafe owners knew us.

i think some of the stupid stuff we did was probably a bit 'forced', in a way, but i don't think a 3 year old cares too much about that. i mean, you can just say, "right, now we're going to build a tent using the sofa cushions and some duvets, and then we're going to eat our lunch in the tent", and most kids will think that is totally brilliant

I've been there. It is bloody hard, dispiriting, soul destroying. If you think you are really depressed consider ADs - a sticking plaster to get you through. It does sound as if you are quite down.

Re housework - don't be houseproud. Make a list - even if you just do the bathroom one week and the kitchen the next, sod it. Put on list good things - go to park 10.30-11. Cup of coffee and snack 11.15. Watch Cbeebies together at 4pm whatever it is. I used to stick something up - a sort of timetable. Does your son go to preschool? He should get free hours so that would give you a break. Do you go to playgroups? Think at the end of the day about something you are proud of. Again really simple - we did sit down and watch x. I did put dinner on the table at 5.30 or whatever. Also contact gingerbread and see if there any lone parent groups in your area. Good thing about those is that no one is pretending, everyone is leaning on each other for company.
You can add to list as you feel brighter, but it does give you a sense of control and sense of satisfaction. If you can afford it, go to a cafe now and again, go out for a meal. And don't be proud and pretend you can cope. It is hard work, but you are DS's wonderful mum. Just say it, til you believe it have some

I empathise op!its just me and my 2 year old and it is hard to get that family feeling with just 2 people. I break the day up into hour blocks so playgroup for 2 hours, home to make lunch 1 hour, tidy up time 1 hour, dvd/tv time 1 hour etc etc! I have also got a list of different crafts and baking ideas and we do 2 a week (takes up a couple of mornings or afternoons) I also try and eat every meal with her when I am not working, I only do 2 days a week so eat with her every morn and eve and most lunchtimes.

I feel for you there, I had depression when DS was smaller and used to try to get out of the house as much as possible to avoid being two of us alone together I suppose. Life is great for me now though and I have so much to look forward to, I really have found the light at the end of the tunnel.

I involve my DS in things I do like cooking, even from when he was little. I give him a blunt knife to cut mushrooms or let him stir stuff or make banana milkshakes with the stick mixer, teaching him the 'recipe'. If he was getting in the way when he was younger, I gave him cornflour and water with a drop of food colouring to stir. Really easy to clean up if it spills!

My DS is in charge of getting himself dressed and has been since he was about 2. I used to chose his clothes and put them down for him to get dressed, now he chooses his own. No breakfast until he's dressed, so sometimes I would sit down to breakfast first and then he'd hurry up. If that doesn't work, the threat of nursery/school in pyjamas usually works even if you have to pretend to be setting off (5 minutes early) and say you're taking them as they are.

DS is responsible for putting his clothes in his drawers and I am trying to get him to fold them.

DS is responsible for clearing his plate from the table, cleaning up anything he spills and helping with unloading the dishwasher. He should also tidy his room. I keep loads of cleaning cloths handy so he can access them and wipe up any mess.

We have had different special treat things like going out for breakfast, fish and chip supper, favourite cafes etc. It's usually my preference but I do sell the idea to DS so he thinks it's his.

For lazy lying down (works well at the beach or in bed), there's always the totally silly 'Which animal makes this noise when it farts?' game. This involves DS blowing a raspberry on my tummy and I guess which animal it is.

I make time each day for us to chat about our day, which is usually walking home from After School Club together.

Try to have a mixture of things that are fun for you and things that are fun for DS as well as things you both enjoy. Don't feel selfish at taking him to things you enjoy and explain that you have to share.

What do you enjoy doing? H and I split while I was pregnant with DD and I found it quite hard to motivate myself to entertain 2yo DS. I like certain things do we'd generally do them, between bouts of cbeebies. Mine included baking (DS loves using cutters), playdo ( I make silly things that DS tells me) And glueing and sticking (cut up sweet wrappers, glitter and things and a load of glue, all contained in a tray - pound land is good for craft supplies ). I also got out of the house as much as possible and my real lifesaver was a routine with friends who knew the situation. Now DD is nearly 18 mo and DS nearly 4 and we're developing some lovely family traditions like pizza hut lunches, soft play trips and naughty sofa dinners :-).

I would say try to set yourself some goals about what you need your DS to do and don't be afraid to use bribery, but also define what is really unacceptable behaviour and stick to those boundaries. It can be so hard sometimes, so good luck

I know how you feel, it is hard sometimes. I think especially so at this time of year when we seem to be bombarded by images of the "prefect family" from every direction! I have real ups and downs - sometimes things feel fine and I can cope and other times I really feel that I am putting on a brave face when inside feel awful.

DS and I have been on our own for five years (and unfortunately didn't really have the whole "family" thing when his Dad was on the scene anyway) and I would say that we have a very close relationship. I tend to emphasise that we are each other's family and to do things like the suggestions above to make family traditions. We go to the £1 cinema a LOT at the weekends - I buy croissants and take a flask of coffee and we have our breakfast there (saves on crumbs on my floor we go out to the pizza place just the two of us (usually when I have enough clubcard vouchers for a pizza express voucher) sometimes I do feel a bit as if I am on a date with a six year old but most of the time it is most pleasant and I find a glass of wine helps.

Sometimes I do feel that the traditional activities can be a bit forced which is why it is important to find things that you both enjoy. DS now loves swimming so it is actually fun for me to take him, whereas before it was a but like hard work. Simple things he loves like feeding the ducks and going to look at the trains are made more bearable for me if I treat myself to a coffee.

It will get easier.

All of this has just made me feel guilty and it's struck me exactly how little I do with him. I've been depressed since before he was born, but only saw a doctor last week and that was because somebody forced me to. We've always been alone too, apart from the first 18 months when I lived with my family, but I still don't cope well with it at all. He is at nursery, so that's something I feel good about. At least I managed to get him a place there, so he's around good people who have fun with him. The past two weeks have just been particularly hard. I've really relied on cbeebies and I hate doing that. We just never do anything together. I struggle to get myself showered and dressed. I am coping better than before. I'm ashamed to say that, when we first lived alone, I struggled to feed him at appropriate times and often didn't dress him. That was the most I could do. I would be physically exhausted by the energy required to make him a sandwich. I feel so, so guilty about it. I just lay on the settee and spent all day crying/drifting in and out of sleep. The only good thing about that time is that he was too young to remember it and I can see that I'm not that bad anymore. There was rubbish all over the floor and he was actually crawling through it at times. Everything in the kitchen was mouldy so I couldn't have prepared food if I'd wanted to. I feel like I've been a huge failure for his whole life. I never left the house and wouldn't let anybody in. Have hardly any friends now and really struggle to make any.

I think, for a start, I need to be really strict with myself about getting showered in the morning, so we can actually do things. I just don't want to move. So desperate for the anti-depressants to kick in. I remember what it feels like to feel ok and not live like this. I last experienced that eight years ago and it seems like forever ago.

Feel like I need to come up with a plan. I have been making positive changes in my life lately (mainly things for myself cos I completely lost my identity and all of my interests) and I just need to keep reminding myself that I am trying. Baby steps. I do take him to soft play every Wednesday. I always feel really proud of myself for doing that. I wouldn't even have been able to get on a bus without having a panic attack before. I just can't believe that you all regularly do this kind of stuff. If I do baking with him, it's every few months. I couldn't imagine regularly doing it. I don't know where people find the energy to do this stuff. I feel like such a failure. I did feel quite positive when I posted here, hoping to get some practical advice, but I'm feeling quite down again and all of this seems beyond me.

cbeebies is fine, it has lots of educational value and no adverts!

jsut setyourself a task of once each day getting out -whether it's to the local shop to buy some milk; local park; soft play once a week, whatever.

while he is a t nursery take a walk ourself maybe local library look at the noticeboards see what is on locally and get inspired.

stars you are doing well, baby steps as you say, and recognising the issues is a good start - are you seeing a counsellor/therapist/CBT? someone to support you on the way.

i think it takes time to feel comfortable as a "family" however that family is - i know it took me a while before i felt it was ok to just be me and DC on a saturday or sunday, that it was ok just to be us, to have lazy morning, maybe take a walk, go to the park etc. that we werent "missing" something. that that was a family weekend.

so now we have mroe weekends like that - some are rushing around seeing people etc but i ahve learned to be ahppy with something that is jsut us and not think it is lacking somehow.

one thing that helps is thinking - how will the DC remember their childhood when they grow up?
what do you recall of your childhood?
what were the good times with mum or dad?

thinking about what you remember and what things "stick" can maybe help shape how you organise your days and weeks to create positive memories.

I read your post yesterday, OP, but didnt reply as I'm not a lone parent and I dont have any experience to offer. But I woke up at 3am this morning thinking about you and hoping that you're feeling ok.

I think anyone doing this alone is fantastic. I genuinely admire your strength, all of you. I hope that doesnt sound weird or patronising, as I really mean it.

Whereabouts do you live, OP? Have you thought about looking on the local boards here or on netmums to see if there is anyone local to you that you could meet for a coffee now and then?

Honestly, OP, you'll get through this. It sounds like you've got through worse and I'm really sorry that you're struggling at the moment x

Well said YaMaYaMa, this also struck a chord with me, I couldn't sleep for worrying about you! It sounded like you were describing me 8 months ago and all I needed was some encouragement which I did eventually get once I was honest with people. You're doing great so far.

You can do it and you will. I have faith in you. Where do you live?

I live in the West Midlands, near to Birmingham. I've had a look at the Gingerbread website, but the only group I could find was quite a distance from my home. Do they always meet at the same location or is there a chance I might be able to see them at a more convenient place? Not really sure how those groups work.

I am ok at the moment. Functioning. Take him out every now and then, but still not feeling great. It's much better when I'm around other people, really takes the pressure off and is nice to have adult company, but, obviously, I can't be around other people every second of the day. Today was a bad day. I think I need to forgive myself for that though, we both seem to have an ear infection at the moment so I got very little sleep last night with the constant crying and kicking that was going on in my bed!

It's just mad that I've been living alone for so long and still haven't adjusted to it. Been in this house for two and half years and it still doesn't feel like a home to me. And I still can't cook, and I still can't manage to keep it clean. There are a few rooms which I can't bear to go into because they're so bad. Just keep the doors closed! I don't feel as though I've ever properly coped with being a parent. I don't even do tea. I arrange our week so that he's either out at his dad's for tea or we're out at his grandparents together. Because I really can't cook. How weird is that? It makes me feel like I'm not a proper adult and I'm unable to care for us, really. To the outside world, we're great. I'm really good at putting on a front and pretending to be this really fun, young mom. My son is doing very well academically, too. People have no idea of the way I really live. I have confided in a few people, but I don't have that many friends to confide in. I've been trying really hard to talk to the other parents at nursery. First time in years that I've done that. I even invited another mom around to our house so our children can play together, but I've heard nothing from her. That was quite a blow. Feel like I'm trying really hard but keep getting knocked back.

But I think I'll start with something simple. I'll make sure that I get in the shower by 7.30 every morning and try to have at least one thing in mind for us to do together that day. Even something small. Sounds so easy but I know it'll be a struggle for me. Saying that makes me feel so bloody pathetic.

I think the way I would describe it is that I always feel as though I'm struggling to keep my head above water. Every area of my life seems to be in need of attention. I don't feel as though I've ever adjusted to becoming a parent and becoming strong and reliable and responsible. That's not to say that I'm irresponsible, but I can't believe that I have an almost four year old who is dependent on me, and I don't have a clue! I don't seem to have fun with him, I can't do basic things that other people do. Why does it come naturally to them but not to me?

And thanks for all of your replies so far. They've given me a lot to think about.

It just struck me - my friend volunteers for HomeStart - have you considered asking them for support? She goes to visit 'her HomeStart woman' (they are strict about confidentiality so she is not allowed to tell me anything about the parents she supports) once a week and will do things like play with the children, take the family out to a play group, or to the library or just out for coffee.

It sounds like just what you need - please see if there is a group local to you!

Great. Give yourself an enormous pat on the back and a tick/gold star for getting in the shower by 7.30am for a week. I'm not being sarky. I've been there too.
Then another huge pat for getting DS to nursery by x time every day. Another star for perhaps delaying cbeebies for 20 mins and reading a book with DS.
Do be honest with GP, explain stuff above and ask if there is any help you can get re voluntary groups or whatever.
Don't rush into baking yet, aim small and low and then as ADs kick in you can do more. When you are this low, you don't need to feel guilty - you need to reward yourself for every step however small.