How do you create a feeling of family when it's just the two of you?

[StarsAreShining]

The feeling of coming home to be with my family is missing. My house doesn't feel like a home and I get no 'family' feeling when I'm with my son. The house feels like a big, empty house which I just happen to live in. I never feel particularly comfortable here and never feel as though i'm coming 'home'. It's just back to this building. There really is no feeling of family either. I don't even know what families do or how they manage to have such fun together. I just feel overwhelmed and tired all of the time. I know that there's nothing wrong with this house, but it's my perception of the house. Recently started treatment for depression. I've never felt happy here. What do you do with your child on a weekend? How do you just relax and have fun as a family? I usually end up just sitting there wishing I could be left alone or forcing us to go out just so that we're not in. None of it is fun or particularly jolly. What's the secret to get that feeling?

I wish we lived close by, we could go for a coffee, have a chat and make a plan.

Right, I am not a single parent but I have suffered from depression (pre baby) so I can relate to a lot of what you say. I think we need a plan of action, you need to feel in control and like an adult. You're already going to the docs so that's the most important thing. So maybe we can have a look at the basic stuff. This is what I think, for starters. And please keep in mind that I am a bit of a nobber and even though I am 36 I still do not feel like a proper adult if that helps -

It sounds like you connect proper parenting and being an adult with things like doing tea. But you're avoiding it and therefore reinforcing your belief that you're not a good mum. This is a simple thing to sort out. Make tea tomorrow night. Beans on toast/jacket potato with something, that sort of thing. I am a shit cook myself and even though I am 36 I still dont feel like a proper grown up even though I make tea, pay bills, etc.

How about that? For a start. It's a hurdle that you can overcome and we can chat about it

oh xposts with the others!

Thanks for the replies :) Lifted my spirits a bit. My parents are having him for me tomorrow night, so I won't actually have the opportunity to do tea. But, I think I'll maybe do some hoops on toast for lunch. Something nice and warm. It'll cause a big tantrum though. We have to eat from trays on our laps now and it always causes a mess. I do have a dining room with a dining table in it, but I can't afford to heat it just to eat in. It's one of the awful rooms I mentioned earlier. Door kept firmly shut. So I'll see how that goes. And I'm going to have to be really strict with myself about getting into the shower.

My initial rule with cbeebies was that we didn't watch any tv during the day, but he could watch it for up to 45 minutes after nursery. That went right out the window when I started to really struggle again, just before I got these anti-depressants. How long are they supposed to take to kick in? Feeling really impatient. Feels as though I've been taking them forever. I started on 50mg last Wednesday and went up to 100mg last night. Thankfully, didn't experience any side effects with the increase in dosage.

There are some good things I've done, but mainly things for myself rather than things I'm doing with my son. I really needed to start thinking about myself again. So I now have a clear aim of what I'd like to do in the future, have started playing an instrument again, have contacted an amateur orchestra about joining (though I contacted them months ago and probably won't be able to start til Jan) and I signed up for a reading volunteer thing in a school (which doesn't start til Jan either). The waiting around is frustrating cos I needed those things right then when I applied for them. Needed to get out of the house and be around people.

I also now have a sort of friend who has a child. The girlfriend of an old friend of mine. I suppose we've become quite good friends, actually. We see each other at least once a week. It's nice to be able to relax and let the kids play while I can talk to someone who understands my situation. It probably sounds really sad, but I've actually written down all of these things and keep reciting them in my head so I don't get dragged down by all of the bad stuff and manage to focus on the good things I've done. It's just that none of it has anything to do with my son! I thought having a happier, more fulfilled mom might mean that we had a happier relationship.

So I think that, tomorrow, I'll get in the shower before 7.30 and get him ready and dressed straight after breakfast. And I'll make an effort to do some of the cbeebies magazine with him and maybe something else like jigsaw puzzles. Don't want to expect too much and be disappointed, though. I told myself today that I'd have a shower, have a nap and do the washing up while he was at nursery. Had a really rushed shower right at the end and had to go out with wet hair. He was all sad cos all the other kids had gone. I did get some laundry done though. Am alright at keeping on top of that these days. Never get around to ironing any of it, but it does get washed.

I did think about contacting home start, but I just don't think they'd think that my situation was bad enough to need that kind of help. I used to be really in a bad way. Kind of forced myself to get through it, so I'm now at a level where I can function and do the basics, but don't really enjoy life or feel much of anything. Just got better at carrying on when I felt as though I couldn't do it any longer.

Sorry that this has so much irrelevant detail. Really small things feel like quite big achievements to me. I managed to talk to another mom today. I don't think she thought I was too weird, either. And I didn't feel like crying or have any palpitations :D

Hello just wanted to add my support, its hard work being a single parent and even worse when you are feeling low.

I also struggle with the 'family feeling' esp at this time of year. It did help a bit getting a cat as somehow made us feel a bit more of a unit.

Things we do on a wend;
make fairy cakes
the park
go out to the country side for a walk
swimming
kids club at the cinema

I don't spend enough one to one time with my dd but she is pretty good at occupyng herself and getting her toys out and playing independently. This is something I have always encouraged, I find that if I help set her up with a game or toy and give her the space to play with it then she will.

Have you had any counselling?

do contact home start - dont compare to others, you have a need for contact with otehrs in similar position/support

How's things OP?

Things are ok, I suppose. Haven't had a chance to put my plan of 7.30 showers into motion yet. My parents had my son for the whole weekend, so I had a chance to relax. Actually had a really good time for once. Felt some happiness. Who knows whether it's my tablets kicking in or just the break from the stress? Feel a bit better and more prepared for the week ahead. Hoping for us to have some fun together. Just going to keep on going :)

Tablets are good as they give you a bit of leeway to get yourself sorted. I found that even just the fact of starting to take antidepressants gave me a boost as I was finally taking control and could see light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you're starting to feel a bit better than that is the main thing.

Also, a whole weekend to yourself sounds amazing, I'm well jealous

Yeah. Feeling a bit down again now. My plans for this evening have fallen through and we're on our own again. Feel quite terrified by it, really. What do most people do with their children in the evenings? I'd like to just slob and watch tv after i've eaten, but he gets very whingey about it and wants to do stuff non-stop.

Do contact home start. Having someone around who can get you back on track is great. I know someone who volunteers for homestart - she is a single parent (DS now grown up) and an ex-nanny. She just brings a lot of positive feeling into everything. And they won't say Stars doesn't need help. It's usually a question of if they've got someone.
As before, start on the simple bits ie shower, get to nursery. Then move on to the evenings. Leave the bit in the middle til later. Does DS have a set bedtime? Have you felt able to do a bedtime/evening routine? I used to get friends to come round to me, or do things other ways round ie do me stuff in the day when there was childcare and do the household stuff in the evening. If plans fall through have a DVD/something recorded to watch later, say sod it and have a good long soak in the bath.
And another tip is to congratulate yourself for one good thing a day - again can be stupid. Today I sorted the mounds of clean clothes and sorted the socks. I'm pleased with myself but won't be beating myself up for not doing the ironing.

I had a similar strategy to struwelpeter. I had a long period post separation when I was really low. In bed at the end of each day I'd think of one positive thing about the day. Most days if I thought hard enough I could think of at least one small thing. If I really couldn't, I'd plan one thing for the next day that would be positive.

What sort of thing does he want to do? My daughter is only 1 so not sure what a boy your son's age would want to do of evening. What time does he go to bed? What is the timescale that you feel like you have to fill?

If you made tea together (easy stuff like we talked about the other day) then made a fuss of eating it togther and then tidying up, that would fill in time. You coul then give him a bath, read a story and maybe give him some warm milk before bed. I think a routine like that would be good for both of you, plus once you've decided on what times etc you could then throw in an activity for, say, half an hour - ie 30 mins colouring/sorting/tv That sort of thing?

How about that?

He does have a bedtime routine. His bedtime's at 8, and I don't usually have to fill evenings because we go to his grandparents for tea and he sees his dad. Not at weekends. I don't think it's that he wants to do anything mad. It's just that my perception of everything has been so skewed for so long. Last night turned out to not be too bad at all. We played a silly game involving throwing socks at each others faces and I had genuine fun and laughter with him for the first time in ages. I'd love to be able to give him a bath at night, but we don't have a bath. He hates having a shower so I do it at morning rather than getting him worked up before bed. Today's been quite a productive day though. I think my tablets are certainly kicking in now. Feel a lot more relaxed in the house. It sounds very strange and is difficult to explain, but it was like I forgot that I can actually do whatever I like before. I almost felt confined to the chair, and like there was no alternative. The whole rest of the world was a kind of vague idea. I was very stuck in exactly what I was doing and feeling and it was like I was falling down a big hole. I feel a bit more 'with it' now, too. Like I'm seeing everything clearly and am really present.

I am going to start congratulating myself for doing good things. I'm realising that i'm not all bad and I'm not the worst parent in the world. I can be as good a parent as I want to be. There's nothing physically stopping me.

Stars, I hope my posts didnt sound patronising or anything - afterall, you've been doing this a lot longer than me and also alone and are to be admired.

Really pleased you're feeling better x

I haven't found them patronising at all. I've looked forward to reading them and felt really encouraged by everyone who's posted. Thanks :)

Fab. Sounds like the meds are kicking in. Does it feel as if the day looks a little bit brighter?
Don't rush too fast, but just take things as they come. Keep posting and let us know how you are gettting on.
So please for you

Yes. Everything somehow seems better. It's just made me realise how off my perception of everything has been for so long. Years and years. Can't believe I lived like that for so long. I actually feel comfortable in my home. I've been living here alone for two and a half years and never felt comfortable. But I do tonight. Nothing's changed, but I feel relaxed and peaceful. I'm enjoying spending time with my son and spending time with everybody, really. Just pottered around with him today. Didn't do anything special, but had fun. It struck me that I've never really enjoyed him or been able to have fun with him. I kept trying to solve the problem and work things out, but didn't realise that my mind was the problem all along. Just feel like everything's ok. Much more content, I suppose. No longer completely bored with life or feel that I'm constantly filling time because everything's pointless. Feel excited about Christmas too! I'm actually experiencing excitement! I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. He told me that I should feel some effect from the medication by now. Can't wait to tell him about how I'm feeling.