How do all these men sleep at night!!!!!

[slavetomyson]

Hello all, i've posted on here before but not for a while. Just having a rant really so sorry about that. I'm just so cross and bitter that my ex has been able to move on and have a life, and I haven't, despite trying in ernest. Initially when we split up, he went to live 1 hour 15 minutes away which I felt was bad enough in itself. Then he was visiting our 5 year old DS twice a week for a bath and saw him every weekend. Then it reduced to once a week and every weekend. Now he doesn't come at all in the week and sees him every other 'weekend' which basically consists of having him for just over 24 hours.. not a 'weekend'. I don't know how he sleeps at night having so little contact with his son. I can't believe I made such a poor error of judgment choosing to have a child with him, i'm kicking myself. He's in a new relationship now, and now lives with her (see he's had a lot of time to put into new relationships obviously). Don't get me wrong I want him to be happy, but this has now meant that my social life consists of one night off every other week, I can't afford a babysitter at 5 quid an hour and don't have family nearby to help. I've been on about 6 dates over the last 18 months which have amounted to nothing. Even if I click with someone I wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship on the basis of going out once a fortnight. I just feel he's been able to swan about and get on with his smug life, whilst I spend my days and nights cooped up in this hell hole of a home with my autistic son. Life is totally s**t!! I don't see it getting any better, this is it now!! Does anyone else feel the same, and very bitter about these men who make children and then don't take responsibility? I'm shocked he thinks that amount of contact is acceptable. To top it off my son's behaviour has been shocking at the moment and i'm on the brink of not coping.. :-( So so sorry for the rant, hope everyone else is okay x

Your post made me cry. I wish I could say that things will get better, but I am not going to go down that route.

It could have been me writing your post. My DD is on the spectrum and I have spent much of today in tears at the total unfairness of life.

....and I also have a shithole house that I cannot afford to fix, and am physically unable to do myself!!!

And my babysitting opps are severely limited. And I work full time

I am thinking of you, please remember that you are not alone xx
(and I would keep away from the AIBU thread or you may just spontaneously combust at some of the "issues", ffs)

And I forgot to say.....Ex-P lives 5 minutes away. He has seen DD a total of 3.......yes 3.............times this year

Poor you. I can't understand any parent who wouldn't want to spend more time with their children than this. I have a friend with a totally feckless ex! On the plus side her little one is a lovely teen and they are so close and a happy family unit. Feel dads are missing out if they are not there.

Am I that bad. Assumed you meant autistic spectrum. Kids are hard work but this can make it sooo much tougher. I have to admire you for that and full time work. Hoping it does get easier.

I feel the same - I feel like my life has shrunk whilst my XP's (2 of them unfortunately!) have had all the freedom and opportunity to improve their lives while I get on with the job of raising their children.

I think you have to give up on the idea of these men having consciences, they don't lose sleep over what they have done. They often see themselves as the victim in all of it. You kind of hope that one day they will wake up and see all the harm they've done or at least be grateful for the sacrifices you've made but just don't hold your breath.

Men with consciences don't behave the way these men do.

I don't have any direct experience, but....can I ask what arrangements you have with ex? Maybe you can persuade him to have longer with his son, - like pick up from school Friday and keep until Sunday 6pm alternate weekends. I would be tempted to get contact formalised in this way.

Does he have family close by? Could a granny or aunty from his side babysit once a month so you could go out? This could give you 3 out of 4 weekends with a night out.

Also, could you find a group for kids with SEN? Maybe you could find a child that your son likes and have babysitting group with sleepovers - don't know how feasible this is, but from experience with 6 year olds, even the ASD kids love a sleepover, if they are with a friend. Obviously depends on your child and how he would cope....but maybe even if you could get a night where you get a late pass until 11, rather than a sleepover?

I don't know how they live with themselves either. I suspect mine is drunk a lot of the time.

My XP refused to see the children at a contact centre so he hasn't seen them in over 2 years now, he's a 5 min drive from here. The fact we don't have to take his abuse anymore is a bonus (and now I wouldn't let him see the children unless he had anger management / therapy) but I can't get my head around how a parent can just turn their backs and waltz off.

He does pay maintenance and I think he counts that as parenting . When he was here he spent a lot of his time shouting and generally being an asshole.

I think it is generally easier for father to turn their backs on their children, us mothers you have carried them and the morning sickness have a stronger bond with them (although my ex suffered with terrible morning sickness, he was the one vomiting not me, not that anyone had any sympathy for him, they assumeed he had "enjoyed last night" and was hungover. I dont want anything from my ex, just to be left alone to live in peace, i will allow him to see his son, but at a contact centre and he will not be seeing me, because he will not be worming his way back in. Its hard being a single parent. x

Amithatbad, i'm sorry I made you cry, it sounds like your ex is worse than mine. And how you manage to work full time is a miracle! I work part time doing shifts, but I think it's not doing my son many favours being dropped off at childminder at 0630 and being picked up 1930 one or two days per week, but I feel I have no choice but to work as we will struggle big time. Thanks for all your support to the other posters, i'm just feeling really down tonight. Funny thing is, I don't think ex deserves to have any more time with him, and I know it sounds contradictory but if I sent my DS off to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to spend much time with him the guilt would get me even more than the benefits of more me time. My parents live 1 hour 40 away and exes parents live by him at 1hour15 away. In fact my DS rarely stays at his house, as ex palms him off on his parents so he can have total freedom. I'm disgusted at his behaviour but don't feel I can say anything to him as he would probably force me to sell the house which still has his name on the mortgage and would make life really difficult for me. He's just thinking well she made her bed she'll have to lie in it (I ended the relationship).. I can't believe he has no respect for me as the mother of his child even if he hates me as an ex partner.

I'm in contact with a couple of mums with SEN children, but it's not the daytimes that are the issue really, it's the long evenings in on my own which are really getting to me. I can't just use any old babysitter as my son would have to know them first. If he kicked off during the night and I wasn't there there would be big problems. The sleepover thing might be an idea for the future but i'm not hopeful, my DS goes to a mainstream school with support and i'm not seeing many of the mums wanting an autistic child to stay over at their house.. Thanks for the suggestions though.. Corlan your comment about men with consciences was exactly right, it really puts me off meeting another man at all (even if I could). I know they're not all the same but my ex was an educated person who I thought was one of the more normal ones, but even he turned out to be an ar*se, so i'm not very trustful of my own judgement any more :-(

This too gets my goat.
Exp lives a 2 minute drive away but only sees dd everyother weekend....and after 8 years my ds isn't bothered about going there at all now really...I said to my exp at the time what effort he puts in with ds is what he will get out....and time has shown that his son isn't bothered about seeing his dad as he knows deep down that his dad doesn't give a shit....it makes me sad and it makes me feel bad that I choose to have my ds with this knob!!!!!

Yes Dee, I suspect that is how my DS is going to feel in the future. He already gets upset at the prospect of going at the moment, as it disturbs his routine. I have to undo all the damage of an ex weekend all week, I just get him right again and something else happens. I suspect that there are a lot of these newly liberated men wandering into new relationships and the new women have no clue of what they're letting themselves in for. Almost makes me want to stay on my own forever, even though it's a lonely life :-( It's even worse when they live nearer to their kids but don't make the effort!! I'm just shocked that mine decided to live so far away in the first place, particularly knowing that his son has special needs.. I seriously doubt if he has a compassionate bone in his body!! But he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong!! I so want to believe in Karma.

My exH walked down the garden path three and a half years ago when ds was 6 months old, got in our car, drove it up to Heathrow, dumped it, posted me the keys and flew to Thailand.

Where he has remained. He shagged prostitutes in Cambodia for a while before lying his way into a university "lecturer" post.

We'd been married five years.

These men sleep at night because they think they're great.

Believe in karma Hun, I do

I think there are a lot of us out there who chose very badly but as you say these men have no conscience (of course there are some women also).

My ex rang us in January from work, dumped us and is now married to someone else completely abandoning our 4 year old in every sense of the word. We have moved on, well you have to, life goes on and our life is so much better without him. You just realise when you're out of the relationship how controlling he actually was. Well he's controlling someone else now...for the time being until something else turns up, be it person, gadget or whatever.

Agree Dee...Karma. Their day will come and the best revenge is too live life to the full for you and your children. Be happy in your own skin for the time being. When you least expect it someone with decent moral values will walk into your life to enrich it!

It does get easier in some ways tho...I've moved on, I run a preschool, I've got good family around me, I found out who my friends are and my 3 ds are more independent now
Exp just keeps marrying people and getting them pregnant...he is an abusive and controlling knob!!!!

I hope you're feeling a bit better today. I was only really in tears because I empathised so much.

My DD goes to a base within a mainstream school and she has never had a sleepover, mainly because she has never had any friends. To be honest, she has LD as well as autism, and I can undertstand why her peers don't want to play baby games with her (she's 12, but still plays with dolls).

Anyway, that got me thinking about babysitters. There are a few agencies that provide specialist sitters, with ASN/SEN qualifications. It may be worth looking these up. Where I live, there aren't a lot, but if you stay down south, there appear to be more available.

And also (I hope you don't mind me suggesting this), if you haven't already done so, you could apply for DLA. I get some - it's not a lot, but it helps pay for DD's private therapy sessions and her sports group. It may help towards babysitting costs, to let you get out occasionally.

Hi AmIthatbad, i'm okay I guess, just ticking along. Despite the ex ringing up my son's school behind my back but that's another issue.. I'll look into the sitter thing good suggestion, though think there will be a shortage in Shropshire. I already get DLA at high rate thanks, but unfortunately I need every penny I can get to pay for this house (the ex family home) as being on a part time salary with a sky high mortgage which the ex no longer pays for but has his name on, is rather a challenge to say the least. Hope you're okay today? Sorry for delay in writing, been at work the last two days 12 hour shifts

Hi all - just wanted to post something that might just give anyone something a bit positive to maybe think about.
My Xh and I divorced leaving me with a DS11 and DD9 - he had no contact with them for the first year then odd bits of contact (nothing financially - he left all the debts for me to sought out). The children were fitted in between the various GF he accumilated. I had three jobs for a quite a while, then cut this down to 2 jobs. My DS is now 25 years and in a very high flying job - he is now in a position financially to buy his first house (not a flat!) no mean feat as we live in London. My DD is now 23 years and after graduating has just started out in her chosen career path. I have attended every sports day, every nativity play, parents evenings - I have shared the joys of GCSE and A level results.
I have watched with pure burst of pride as my darling DCs wore their mortar boards and gowns to collect their degrees. Celebrated all the Christmas's, the birthdays and both passing their driving tests at 18 years. We have obviously also shared lows, some upsets and never really had much money for too many treats and holidays. But I would not change a single thing - both my DC's are well adjusted young adults - my DS sees my Xh very occasionally but DD will have nothing to do with her dad. I know in the sad situation of families splitting up there really are no winners and losers - but that said I feel very proud of the way my children have battled through and with what they have achieved.

I just thought this may be of some help.

Thank you.

I hear you OP. Since April last year, my ex-husband has seen my son less than 10 times and never over night so probably for about 50-60 hours in total. That's in 19 months. He can go weeks and weeks without even ringing him either although to be fair, I did change my phone number about 6 weeks ago but even when he did have it he rarely rang. He has a girlfriend and has seemingly effortlessly moved on with his life whereas it is really hard for me to get out to meet someone due to DS and then they would have to be accepting of him. It does seem unfair. I totally understand where you are coming from OP.

Hi, yes it is unfair. You could do what they have done. But you wouldn't. Because even if it looks like they're having fun, they are having empty fun, without a real emotional connection. What you do for your kids will last for ever.

I totally hear how hard it is on a practical level and how hard it is meeting people with kids, but I think you should pity your exes just a bit because when they look back they will be the ones making excuses and apologies, not you.

I'm a step mum and one of the things I liked best about my now husband was his dedication to his son. It's a humbling thing to meet a person who truly puts their kids first.

Same here
He was really good at first and its just dwindled now to when it suits him. When he does have them he has no patience and they have to do what he wants like watch sports on tv all afternoon, he makes no effort to take them anywhere. He has now started internet dating so is obviously caught up in that too.

If you had asked me a year ago what kind of dad he was I would have said a great one. Now he suits himself, has his smart flat,hobbies and nights out and my life is restricted to the childrens. I don't resent them but I do resent him as he could make my life just that bit easier if he pulled his finger out.

Just wanted to say, slavetomyson, and I?m sure you?ve thought of this and done all this sort of thing already, but it?s worth talking to some sort of a lawyer, because when you mention being disgusted but not being able to say anything because you?re scared he?ll make you sell the house - I?m in the same boat, only nowhere near as hard because my DCs aren?t autistic, - he can?t really unless he takes you to court which is long and expensive and he is unlikely to win if you?re living there with an autistic child - unless the house is much too big for you - but even then, he may be told he has to wait until your son is 18. I?ve been held to ransom too much by imagining what horrible financial punishment my XA (ex arsehole) could inflict on me if I so much as peep my head over the parapet, and sure enough, when I didn?t do exactly what he wanted one day he threatened me financially. I thought, bring it on. You know what, even if I?m in a caravan with a leaky roof, if I?m independent of YOU I?ll be happier. But then a lawyer told me it would be pretty hard-going and very pricey to force me to sell, and he?d probably be advised not to do it.

slavetomyson sorry to hear that life is really hard for you at the moment. I may be WAY off target, but have you considered moving closer to your parents if your current mortgage is reducing your options, and you don't have much support locally?

I often wonder how they sleep at night, dh left in March and he hasn't spoke or paid a penny towards 3dc in that time. He hasn't lifted a phone on birthdays, nor will he at christmas.
We're living in a rented house which is too small for us, getting deeper into debt on a credit card just to live, while he swans around not a care in the world hiding out at his brothers - disgusting!
Some days i cope better than others , but it's a struggle.
Rant over, just needed to vent!

*slavetomyson" It will get better. I have two DCs, one is autistic spectrum. I work full-time and that is what has kept me sane. It gets me out of the house, away from the DCs and mixing with other adults. I have used various different types of childcare, but through that I have managed to find babysitters and have a vague semblance of a social life.
Other than child maintenance I rely on ex-H for absolutely nothing. He sees DCs every 2nd weekend for 24 hours & takes them for the odd week of holiday. He is unreliable and unhelpful - but he does cough up the maintenance, although that was a very horrible court battle.
I've been on my own for nearly 9 years now & the DCs are 12 & nearly 10. It was much, much harder when they were younger & it has got easier as every year has gone by.
You have to stop thinking about the exes & start really focussing on you. How can you make your life work best for you? How can you get yourself sorted out? Take small practical steps to get yourself on an even keel. Nothing happens overnight, but take your time and it will come good.