Help!! Ex inconsistent contact with DD resulting in tears. What to do??

[letsmakecupcakes]

He sees her every 5-6wks> Picks DD up on saturdays late am and returns sunday am and no other contact between these 5-6 weekend gaps, not even a phonecall. At the beginning of the year we had an arrangement where he would have her for at least two nights every third weekend and that worked quite well for about 3 months but for the past 5-6 months he is seeing less of her.

She will be five soon and did not want to see him before he picked her up for their recent time together. She was in tears the night and morning before he arrived and I told her he really wanted to spend time with her and that I was sure she would have a good time. But on her return she broke down in tears again and asked me why she has to see him when she doesnt want to and said she doesnt like him.

After putting her to bed that night she woke up around 2am absolutely sobbing and holding me so tight and saying she doesnt want to see him and that she doesnt like him. It took about an hour to settle her. I don't know what to do.

The situation is made even worse by the fact that everytime they have been together they have been staying with different friends of his because he says he is homeless and staying on his sisters couch. But this doesnt even end there because one of these weekends he said they will be staying with his sister my daughter came back saying that she slept in her room in his house. So not sure how true the homeless thing is. I doubt it very much.

Not sure if this is just a strategy to get out of spending time with her. Contact has always been difficult because he has always had a reason (Situation) preventing contact to be constant. But if I raise this somehow its always my fault or he will try to start an argument about something else that has no relevance. I really don't know how best to approach this.

Im worried for my DD but don't want them to lose contact. The problem is he knows this and so can do pretty much anything he likes because he knows I would never refuse contact but I think it needs to be more regular. I have always maintained this but he wants to keep things flexible.

Losing sleep because I really don't know what to do :(:(HELP!!

tough call.is he aware[does he care]impact having on his child?

He will just accuse me of making things up. He takes no responsibilty for anything he does. Its a constant up hill struggle. Everything is always someone elses fault or he found himself in an unfortunate situation so its the situations fault!!

Not that I have any children so my advice may be crap but gut instinct on this I wouldnt make her go.

I applaud you for wanting to keep contact, but if he is interested and she is getting so distressed I don't see that there is any point to it. DD may only end up feeling unwanted as well as unsettled at been at so many houses etc.

Maybe he is taking the piss because he knows you will always let him have contact.

I dont think contact should be stopped easily but if she is up sobbing til 2am then its not having the right effect on her really is it.

Does he care that its causing her so much upset?

Iv been told to just step back and let things happen because its always so upsetting but its really difficult when DD is sobbing. Its just heartbreaking.

i bin through this many moons ago.in end cut contact for a while due to night waking and bedwetting.he continued to stroll in and out making bloody promises and breaking them.shes 16 now and accepts he a fuckwit but loves her in his own way.you have to weigh up the inpact seehim has over not see him,even just for a while

He takes no responsibility. If she's upset his position is - it has nothing to do with him. Its something Im doing.

Thank you so much! I know its abit hectic at - once again - 2am!! I am so reluctant to stop contact because the thought of going through establishing contact again after awhile can also be traumatic because he is so unpredictable.

I also have a feeling this is what he might want and by me stopping it he can yet again blame me. But I think I will have to have a chat with him about it. I know it will not go well!!

try to focus on your and dd needs.let him come back to you as and when he ready.at least takes pressure off you for a bit.thats how we managed

Hi liveinazoo! Things always turn really ugly. We'v been to court already about this and he is suppose to maintain contact. Perhaps if there was no stay overs it might be easier?

that could work...staying dif places or having dif night routines are very disrupive and could be major factor..sounds like a plan forming.worth a try

Thanks, I will suggest it and hopefully it won't cause to many riffs!!

OP I have no advice, I only posted to tell you my EXP is exactly the same, right down to his excuses reasons.
It's a tough one and I too often wonder if I should just stop contact, but I know ultimatley I'd only be doing it in hope of making him wake up and take responsibility. However, when he was living with a group of friends I didn't know/on sofas I did (temporarily) stop overnight contact and only let him take DS for tea etc because I though well, that's not an enviroment for a child. (EXP still only saw DS about once a month then)

Maybe it's the instability re the staying at friends houses etc that's an issue for your DD? If it's possible could you not try him having her for a few hours during the day instead? (until he's sorted himself if that ever happens)

Why do you think behaves like this, your EXP I mean? It completely baffles me as to why my EXP does this, when we have such a sunny, happy little boy.

Just as baffled!! I used to have all sorts of explanations for his behaviour - perhaps childhood/emotional issues but now I just don't care.

I think I will suggest having her just for the day until he is settled.

good luck!hope sleep reachs you soon

Thanks liveinazoo! i just lost my previous reply to you chocolate rainbow.

I think it is the instability thats the root of the problem but I don't see that changing.

Thank you for helping me clear some of the anxiety. I think I will try to get some much needed sleep now.

I'd cut contact but let him know the door is always open once he is settled. Please, please listen to your daughter and don't make her go for over night visits (especially in the houses of people you don't know) with someone who makes her so distressed.

Listen to your daughter. This is not a normal reaction to seeing a parent.

IMO a father's right to see his child does not supersede a child's right to be happy and feel safe. It doesn't look like your DD feels either happy or safe with your ex.

ComradeJing, I know and its really worrying me.

take your dd to GP or go yourself and get her distress recorded.

Gp might be able to refer you to family therapist or other profresisonal to help you deal with this.

also then it is recorded if he takes you back to court.... eg you could reocmmend / ask for not having overnights for a while etc? does court order specifc overnights?

you dont ahve to run around sending her to him for overnights if she distressed - if not court ordered dont do it.
if is court ordered then you take it back and ask fo a variation to day timeonly . but go to GP first and ask for suggestions from a profressional so it not coming from you....

"he is so unpredictable2 well tehre you ahve it - you and DD going to ahve to lvie with that all r life - and if overnights is too much then dont do them.
dont put the need for contact above and beyod safety, happiness etc of child -she can have contact in dayn time and see if that goes well .
stop the overnights.

cestlavielife, thank you. I've just made an appointment with my GP.

You've had some great advice OP.

I realize that you have already been to Court but I would start keeping a diary of contact, affect that it is having on DD etc. If you can afford it it might be worth geting a letter sent to him outining your concerns that contact in its current state is not in the best interests of DD and that if contact is to continue that you would like to restablish consist and frequent daytime contact and indirect phone contact if visiting contact is not appropriate, distance etc. Once daytime contact is reestablish and his situation has settled then you will start overnights again.

Im not sure if you can send a letter saying that you are going to stop contact if a court order is inplace you might have to go back to court. If he decides to cease contact keep the letter and whenn DD is older you will have it to show her, that you were only doing your best by her etc.

Hi singleandproud, thank you for the advice. I will have to email him because I have no address for him. Its all so tricky because of my own stupidity. He saw her last early october before the most recent contact now in november and at the time he asked me if I would write a letter saying that my DD was always happy when she spent time with him. He said he needed it because the mother of his other child wants to take him to court to cut all contact.

My DD's half brother is only 18months old and they separated soon after his birth. I emailed him saying that I didnt want to get involved but at the very end of the email I did add a line saying the my DD always enjoys her time with him. I don't know why I did this because I could see then already that things were not that great but I didnt want to rock the boat and compromise the bit of contact that she had.

I realise now that he wanted that letter from me just in case things did change as he had anticipated that this might happen because of his own instability. He has basically covered his tracks and I stupidly helped him do it. I also know that the letter was for our situation because I have since met up with DD's half brother's mum and she had no idea what I was talking about any court case and said that she had not heard from him in ages and that she's just leaving it.

How could I be so stupid!! I think I will have to send that email anyway because I promised my DD that I would talk to him about stayovers. Have I just buried myself??