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Original poster

abusive ex (nrp) wants dds appointments sent to his address

29 replies

MissPricklePants · 02/10/2011 21:40

as the title says really!i find it rather odd and unnerving if i'm honest. I keep him updated about dd and I am reasonable etc despite the abuse. Surely the appointments should go to dds address?he doesn't have a good relationship with dd and obv don't want him turning up and upsetting her iykwim?i know that i prob sound petty but can he demand that these details are sent to him?thanks in advance

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chocolatespiders · 02/10/2011 21:48

Appointments for what?

My ex asked the school to send dd's reports to his house but I don't think they ever have. I normally just photocopy stuff for him.
Doctors etc dont have his address.

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 02/10/2011 21:56

anything medical etc she has been referred for speech therapy so he wants the appointments sending to him. He isnt a great dad, doesnt turn up and has no bond etc so i dont want him to turn up for her appointment pretending to be super dad iykwim?i will tell him the details etc but find it strange!

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chocolatespiders · 02/10/2011 22:08

I think I would find that a bit strange if he is a bit hit and miss with other things.
Me and ex went to court and he wanted a mid week contact night which I was not keen on but in the end had to agree to. Ex said he wanted to be involved in her school life- so more often than not his mum would go in a taxi to pick dd up and ex has never been into her school in last 18 months even though I let him know about plays and parents evening.

I am not sure they would agree to send the letters to 2 different addresses

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 02/10/2011 22:13

we have a final court order in place (he has her sat or sun 10-4pm when he bothers to turn up) i just find it weird and unnecessary. Surely it makes more sense to send them to me as dd lives with me!i don't think they would send 2 letters out either.

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TastyMuffins · 02/10/2011 22:15

At one stage my ex wanted to do the turning up and looking like super dad thingy. I was mortified, I did not need someone who hadn't a clue being there and making stupid uninformed comments. He never asked for appointment letters and fortunately did not actually turn up. I haven't told him about anything in the last couple of years because he's so out of touch and unreliable (saw DS 5 times last year).

Sorry, no idea what would happen if he demands they are sent to him, assume they would ask if he was the parent with residency but then wonder if he would lie and say he was to get the letters?

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 02/10/2011 22:21

thats my concern!poor dd is 2.4 months and cries if she hears the word daddy so that is an indicator of the relationship between them. I'm going to ring the gp and the hv and ask them for advice. I am a bit worried that he will do something stupid as he is the king of doing stupid things!

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chocolatespiders · 02/10/2011 22:26

Did he not ask for her to stay overnight with him?

My dd hates to stay overnight but has no choice Sad

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 02/10/2011 22:31

no he did not/does not want overnight contact. Just once a week for a few hours!

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cestlavielife · 02/10/2011 23:44

presume you mean 24 months?

or 2.4 years?

if he has PR he can ask for appts etc to be sent to him - hosp can send to both addresses. (tho in practice they can mess up and one or both dont get them...so always phone to check...) .they used to this, really, tehy can certainly send to two addresses.

if he does stupid thing in public at the appts then the doctors/nurses will witness - so not a problem really. tho annoying...

how often is he seeing her? in reality? roughly every week?

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 03/10/2011 08:29

oops yes I meant 2.4 years!in reality he sees her every 3-4 weeks but was absent until she was 19 months. I just don't understand why he wants to do that. The thought of having to sit in a room with him makes my skin crawl.

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cestlavielife · 03/10/2011 10:00

yes it's crap sititng in appt with ex like that - you have to have set of key phrasses to say when he gets annoying
"we here for dd we not going to discuss other matters"
"my view is xxxxx" clearly and calmly to the doctors if he comes up with rubish
"i think it is best for her that xxxxxxx"

etc

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 03/10/2011 10:25

speech therapist wants to do a home visit. Ive let ex know and he wants to come!he has no rights to come into my house for this does he?

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ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 10:27

Controlling twat...

Nothing gets sent to his house, what an odd request.

cestlavielife · 03/10/2011 10:29

no you don't have to have him in your house for that.

therapist can also arrange to meet her and him at his place, if she needs to see her in his environment too.

obviously if there is programme or techniques tof ollow you need to both be doing them, but no need for him to be in your place. if she most time with you - then explain to SLt - home visit with you - then joint meeting at therapist office . and if she needs to visit ex at his place - for her to arrange that with him - to arange that separately.

does she have any speech at all?
any underlying issues already diagnosed or just speech delay?
is it jsut speech or language/communication in general?

cestlavielife · 03/10/2011 10:31

it isnt odd request - my exP has requested all appt letters, reports etc go to his house too and doctors have had no problem with that. they do it all the time. lots of kids have two homes/two addresses. it makes it easier if they do copies and send it out.

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 03/10/2011 10:38

i wouldn't find it odd if he was a hands on dad but he isn't. Dd has some speech just not putting words together etc or saying very much in general. Slt wants to see her in her home environment which is with me. Like i have said he is abusive and i dont want him in my house. I will tell him that i do not think its a good idea! Posie he is most def a controlling twat!

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Original poster
MissPricklePants · 03/10/2011 10:43

just to state that dd does not have 2 homes/addresses as he refuses to spend more than a few hours a week with her!

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hells1908 · 03/10/2011 11:42

Oo very reminscent! Schools, GPs etc WILL send out two letters if requested. I asked them not to and fortunately they agreed, but not before he turned up for one parents' evening completely sloshed...awfulness.

Can you speak to a lawyer about it? And he is most definitely not entitled to be in your house without your permission. Try to sort this out now while she is still relatively unaware - for me, DS was 8+ so got terribly tricky. And still happening eg he's 17 now, speaks to him occasionally, ex has invited himself along to a university open day when DS will be with all his friends, I've booked train travel, rooms etc...and DS doesn't feel he can say 'no'.

Nip the bud!

cestlavielife · 03/10/2011 12:34

yes is odd - but i think if it went further and as he has PR, then him getting reports etc sent to his address would be seen as reasonable -to court it looks like he wants to be involved... play the game. it doesnt harm your dd or you to let him have info sent to him directly. and means he doesnt have to badger you for it.

ride with it - he will either truly want to be involved or he will give up.

my exP turned up to a few appts - caused some annoyance with his insistence on certain things (was shot down calmly by the profressionals ...) then mysteriously failed to do so for future ones... .

definitely keep him out of your house - don tell him it is "not a good idea" jsut say "you arent allowed in my house for any reason, that is how it is".

no explanations etc. needed. have learned to my cost it is not worth explaining! just say no firmly and calmly.

cestlavielife · 03/10/2011 12:35

(i have son with ASD and LDs so many appts)

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 03/10/2011 15:40

hopefully we wont be back in court as ex has stopped proceedings!i will just stay calm and leave him to it!

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notsorted · 03/10/2011 19:55

Whatever your normal form of communication is send name of hospital/day care/gps and let him do the leg work. I would talk to HV/sol re him not being invited into your home ... and perhaps explain to SALT. I am sure they deal with a lot of this stuff and have a mechanism for dealing with it. So throw ball back into his court ... not saying no, but not running round ot comply with his wishes

QueenofWhatever · 03/10/2011 21:36

OP, if there is a history of domestic abuse tell the speech and language therapist and they don't have to send him appointments. No guarantees but they should consider why you are asking them not to. No, definitely don't let him in for the home visit, he has no right to that. In your post you say that you are reasonable despite the abuse. My advice is don't be reasonable, only do what is in your child's and your best interests. I've learnt this the hard way with a similar type of ex.

Original poster
MissPricklePants · 04/10/2011 09:30

I told the therapist about the abuse and got told that he could have everything sent to him regardless. I do not want to create problems but we couldnt even get through mediation in the same room so dont want him turning up iykwim. Dd has witnessed the abuse and like i said in a pp she does get quite upset around him.

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ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 09:42

Stay calm and leave him to it.

Clearly he wants to stir the pot, and looking like super dad is also appealing - but at the end of the day, being 'involved' in any proper way will take... ohh
here for some terrible words... EFFORT! COMMITMENT! TIME!

Certainly don't let him in your house - a flat 'no' to that, followed up by 'here's the details for you to make your own appointment so that DD can be assessed at your home' - hmm see if he actually bothers with that one.

Create the impression of 'ooh great, if you want to take responsibility for stuff that happens at YOUR home you are more than welcome to make your own arrangements' - you won't see him for dust.

Remember that a big part of this is him trying to get under your skin, so NEVER, NEVER be rattled by this in front of him. He'll give up sooner. If you give the impression that you are grateful and flattered by his interest, he'll give up even sooner!

Also speak to HV and GP and make them aware of the abusive background just in case he does come to any appointments, and ask their opinion on sending out letters - say you'd rather it be just to you, despite his request - would they support that, as it would allow you to manage the situation better.