Really am on the brink now

[confuzzlement]

I don't know who else to unleash my woes on to. I don't how to help myself anymore and I certainly don't know why I ever entered the perils of motherhood.

I am most certainly NOT a natural mother. I hate weekends. I sit in with my DS all week and then all weekend. I try and communicate with other people, I text, I fb, I call, I make an effort and still we get invited no where, no parties, no outings and it's killing me. I've lost all energy, drive and motivation to interact with my child and I let him just get on with it now. Drawing on everything, sat watching tv all day, runs lose all round the house. I've just lost it. Completely. It's gone.

No is a word that just goes over the top of his head. If I say no it's his opening to continue being naughty. I get hit. I get screamed at. I have to put up with the tantrums on a daily basis. Going out gets me so anxious as the tantrums and excrutiatingly embarrassing. In town, the park, baby group (we go once a week for 3 hours).

I just don't know what else to do to help myself.

I try colouring, stickers, painting, baking, walks, park and nothing seems to please this child.

I am alone. I have no friends even though I try to make friends and maintain any weak friendships that I may have.

Ive thought about suicide. Ive had a plan before. Ive phoned the Samaritans numerous times.

How do you do it? How to put on the happy face people want to see when you're dying inside? I'm a single stay at home mum, Ive relocated following relationship break down and have, as a consequence, lost everything. My home, my friends, my career and all my confidence.

I long to go to the cinema. For a drink. For dinner. To a friends for a movie. But no one calls, no one texts. I've not had a text message for 3 days now even though I have sent them to people and I've just had no response. I even speak to people on FB and they just talk around me as though I'm not there. Why am I so invisible in this life? Why do I have to be this person who everyone just bypasses?

I'm such a crap Mum too. I look at my DS and think what sort of life am I giving him? He has no friends. He doesn't do anything. It's just me, him and the dog. What a sad pathetic existance. I don't know why I ever thought I would be cut out for this. I am such a pathetic excuse for a parent. God help DS and the next 16 years of his life.

(((hugs)))

You sound so low/depressed, please see your GP or HV and ask for support.

You are not a pathetic excuse for a parent, you are trying your best and have lost your way. Bless you.

How old is your DS? Could he got to nursery/playgroup a couple of times a week to give you a break? Is there a Surestart centre near you? They often have volunteers that will offer support and advice. Childrens Centres often run play and stays and different sessions so parents can get support and the children can play. Whereabouts in the country are you and I will see what I can find out for you?

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Preschooldevelopmentandlearning/NurseriesPlaygroupsReceptionClasses/DG_173054

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

www.onespace.org.uk/behaviour/getting-your-child-co-operate

I'm with Saggy on this. You MUST contact your GP/HV as a matter of urgency. Do you have any family you could go to?

Where are you Confuzz? you sound so down I too think you should really seek some rl help - starting with GP.

Do you have some good days too, or is it blanket black fog?

Going out used to keep me sane when my DC were small. I think you just have to develop a thick skin re the tantrums - most kids have them after all.

I think you need to work to get yourself and DS out of this depressed/depressing way of living. Start with one thing you are going to do differently tomorrow? (Go out blackberrying?)

Come back and talk. And big x

I'm sorry you feel like this. I think you should go to your GP on Monday, dont wait for an appointment. If you explain how you feel like you have here they must offer help.

I agree getting out and about with your DS will help. Even if it's raining, kids don't care.

I used to hate weekends as I didnt want to bother anyone. It is very lonely sometimes. I'm sure lots of single parents on here can empathise too.

Hope you come back on for some support.

A night out with friends on a regular basis would do you a lot of good. You should maybe try to get a baby sitter once a fortnight and do something fun. It sounds like you do have friends, so just invite yourself along, put it bluntly if you have to and say you really need a night out or you will go mad. There will be some way of arranging this if you really put your mind to it.

Things will get easier as your child grows older so try to think of this time in your life as a passing phase. The tantrums will stop eventually and you will be able interact better with your kid better when they are older.

My DS was very like yours, he didn't want to do any of the normal kiddie stuff like painting and baking. He also had tantrums all day long, it was hell! I ended up just walking him for hours on end to tire him out and tried to make sure he went to bed early so I could get peace in the evening. Now he is at school and it is a lot easier. The past seems like a distant memory and I can laugh at it now.

I don't think you sound like you have totally lost it, you just need a break,some adult company and something to look forward to.
xxxx

I understand all that! It's bloody hard it really is

Where in uk are you?? If in uk that is! Maybe one if us is nearby?

It is hard. I long for time to go to a movie !
Could you get a babysitter join a gym or evening class?
Find a local authority swim pool that has a creche you can leave ds couple hours?
Ask hv for help and gp maybe sure start volunteer to help?
what does ds like doing?if physical child set up one room as safe space old mattress or small trampoline try free cycle he can jump on when you cannot go to park?

Please see your GP tomorrow. This is classed as an urgent appointment. You do not need to tell the receptionist why. But it really is urgent. Please, please call. You can get better and you can address the things in your life that you want to change.

I have been where you are (although before kids) - it was awful but I got better.

Please keep posting too

How has today been confuzzlement?

Hi everyone, I am still here. I'm sorry if I caused any worry to any of you, it was never my intention.

I see what everyone is saying and I totally understand I need to go back to the doctors. I had PND with DS and was treated with anti-d's which I worked very hard to get off so I guess my stubborness and reluctance to go back on to them without having some form of talking therapy or alternative help overtook the underlying issues that I am experiencing a very low mood again.

I have family here, they work irregular hours and are away a lot of the time. My eldest sister is married so she doesn't have a lot of time for me, there's a lot of empty promises made to me. Lot's of "we'll do this and that and go here there and everywhere" and it never materialises. That's why I hate weekends because all I see everywhere I go are couples with their kids, with their partners, having fun, people going out with their friends, and I don't do anything.

To make it that little bit better its my birthday this week. Always find it's a time to be reminded how little I have in my life.

I just feel very sad. Very sad and alone. I feel as though I am in a permanent state of Groundhog Day. I wake up, I wait to put DS down for a nap, I sleep, I wait to put DS into bed, then I sleep. It's almost like I wake up ready to for the day to pass so I can go back to sleep. Kind of a waste of a life really.

Thank you though, to all of you who sent me pm's and responded with kind words, thank you. :)

Where in the country are you?

Glad you've come back Confuzz.

It sounds like there is a real need for some change in your life.

Have you thought abut getting a p-t job? I know you might not end up any better off, or only marginally so but it will pay dividends in shaking your life up a bit, giving you and DS a break from each other and just introducing a bit more adult interaction. Doesn't have to be anything stressful... Go for something that's really manageable.

I know it can be depressing when you compare yourself to couples. But remember there's a lot of women compromising an awful lot to stay in their relationships. Go and look at the relationships board. When I was married I genuinely envied my single friends there own space, homes and freedom.

Do you know any other lps near you? Most of them will be in the same boat at weekends and might appreciate a get together? If not what could you do to meet some? xx

@ Saggy - East Midlands, Lincolnshire.

@ Pickgo - I've applied for 447 jobs since I moved back last year. I've had 3 interviews and that's it. I can't even get jobs I'm qualified and experienced for. I'd love to be able to go to work, earn money and provide for my child.

Yes, I know of 1 girl who lives not far from me. We try and meet up when we can but she's very busy with her little boy so she doesn't have much time free.

I'm going to ring the doctors tomorrow and go and see them. I just worry that with my persistant complaints of low mood and suicidal thoughts since having my DS that they will take him off me, or that I will be deemed an unfi mother and he'll have to go and live with his Dad. :(

Pls don't worry about telling your GP you are in a low mood, asking for help is a positive thing and that shows you are able to function.
When I was a single mum first time round I remember being miserable in the playground one Sunday afternoon and heard a couple threatening each other under their breaths "for godsake look like you want to be here for his bloody sake" and their poor DS was bounding into the playground oblivious that his parents were about to throttle each other.
I too remember groundhog days. I don't always practice what I preach but how about a timetable to break up the days? And making lists of stuff that you can tick off - gives sense of achievement even if it is petty ie post letter, take DS to park, clean bath or whatever - the crossings off are cathartic

Well I am in Bristol so can't be any help on any practical help i'm afraid. A quick Google search and here is a link to your Councils 'support for families' pages:

www.lincolnshire.gov.uk/parents/family-support/

You can search for Childrens Centres, playgrounds and your local Childrens Information Service for information regarding play groups etc.

With regard to getting a job, you might be in a bit of a catch-22 situation where you need and want a job but because of how you are feeling you
aren't selling yourself as you would if you were generally happier.

Good for you for making it a priority to go to the Drs, let us know how you get on.

Good luck xx

Well I am in Bristol so can't be any help on any practical help i'm afraid. A quick Google search and here is a link to your Councils 'support for families' pages:

www.lincolnshire.gov.uk/parents/family-support/

You can search for Childrens Centres, playgrounds and your local Childrens Information Service for information regarding play groups etc.

With regard to getting a job, you might be in a bit of a catch-22 situation where you need and want a job but because of how you are feeling you
aren't selling yourself as you would if you were generally happier.

Good for you for making it a priority to go to the Drs, let us know how you get on.

Good luck xx

Confuzz, I'm in the East mildlands, Leicestershire.

Are you anywhere near melton mowbray?

I agree with the ticking off of lists.

A long time ago before I had the children I had depression and could barely function, I wrote myself lists of things I had to do each day and things I wanted to do each week. There were maybe 10 things for each day like get up by 7.30am, get dressed, go shopping, cook lunch etc and 7 extra things to do like go to the bank, visit a friend etc.

Just ticking off these things, even though some of them were quite minor things, it shows you in black and white what you have achieved.

Confuzz, try this link www.mumsnet.com/Local/4004/edinburgh?call=ChooseSite&addmode=1 - see if you can find any other MNetters anywhere near. You need to go to the doctor, too, urgently! So sorry, it is very, very hard. It will take time.

Sorry to hear about the hundreds of applications, it's a hard time for anyone looking for a job I know. But could you just get a stop-gap, temporary job in a shop/cafe or some volunteering... just something to ring the changes a bit? You needn't even put it on your CV, just use it to get you out of your groundhog feeling.

I think you need to have a few lp friends so that one might be free when you are. Why not try some local lp groups? or Surestart centre. Or mn meetups.

Really don't worry about them taking DS. Unless he were abused, starved or seriously neglected they really don't want to get involved. Remember they are too stretched already!

I know how hard it can be, but coming on here seeking some support takes guts and is a good first step. Going to drs will be another positive first step to helping yourself into feeling better.

Did you get an appointment? Have been thinking of you....I was away this summer but by all acounts it has been rubbish and we have had 2 good days and now it is back to the same rainy days, I don't think it helps at all (((hugs)))

I've been thinking of you too today Confuzz. I think many of us can sympathise with feeling on the brink. I had some seriously down periods when my youngest was little and we were at home all day with no money to do anything. Looking back now I think we would have both been better off if I'd found a way to get some short breaks, even an hour's swimming while he was in the creche would have made a big difference.

Hope you had a better day today and managed to get to see the dr. Hope you check in and let us know how you are. x

Hi all,

No I haven't got an appointment yet, I know I should, I just can't bring myself to sit and talk to my doctor yet. I really do not want to go back on anti-d's, it took so much strength to get off them. I've started taking some herbs (St Johns Wort, Primrose oil and Ginseng) to try and get me away from these black moods.

I'm going to get a week planner and try and fill our mornings with things to do. We managed playgroup this week, which was a total nightmare from start to finish. I never even got a chance to speak to anyone my DS was so demanding of my attention I ended up on the floor playing with him all morning.

I do feel a failure of a mother. I know I made choices, I had to, but all I see when I look at DS is failure. He can't integrate with other kids well, he doesn't play with them, he just wants constant reassurance from me and it's exhausting.

I have applied for every job possible. Admin, clerical, managerial, shop, pub, supermarkets. No where seems to want me. If I volunteer I will have to put DS in childcare and I just can't afford it being on benefits.

I'm just at a dead end I think and I need to work out which way I want to travel. I either keep banging my head up a wall I can't move or I turn around and go find another way.

Thank you for your support, it does mean a lot to hear other people go through the same, as it's a very solitary time for me.

x